Disclaimer: If I owned Buffy why would I write fan fiction? I’d just make more episodes!
Note: Sorry it took me so long to update I was on vacation, no computers! Also I'm very sorry for screwing up my ratings, thank you loyal reviewers! (Did I just channel Andrew? Ugh. lol)
When we broke apart I could see the realization strike her angelic face, she knew what she had just done, and she had let a corpse touch her. Even though I wanted her, the want was intoxicating, like a drug once I had a taste I was addicted. She craved the darkness the deep enveloping shadows, she craved me.
I knew she’d play games, hide what she wanted, but I could feel it, feel the longing, the desire and the hunger. Hunger I’d only experienced when I’d been starved for blood, famished for what only liquid life could provide. She changed everything; she was the light at the end of the tunnel, the sun in the midnight blackness that surrounds me.
She ran. She ran from the thing that scared her the most, love.
Love that made her feel, feel so much it hurt, love that ripped her apart then put her back together again, which scared her more, me or love?
She was naïve, on purpose, she wouldn’t acknowledge that the world isn’t black and white, she can’t categorize good and evil into neat piles, it doesn’t work that way.
Her friends didn’t see her like I did, the watcher knew what she had deep inside of her, but he loved her like a father, wanted to keep her a perfect little slayer, which she wasn’t.
I could give her what Angel could never, passion. He loved her, the bloody ponce, but there wasn’t fire, she was stronger then he was, she needs someone who can match her. Someday, someday soon she would kill Angelus, but she would never, could never kill me.
Buffy shook as she ran, ran away from him, from temptation, from love. Frozen in place Buffy stared at her reflection in the black stream, and screamed.
What had she become?
Why did she let him kiss her?
Why didn’t she push him away?
He was bad, soulless, and evil, so why did the only time she felt anything, maybe even something more then lust, was with him?
Brushing away the tears that stained her face, Buffy ran as her reflection shattered into tiny shards.
When Buffy came home she laid on her bed, gripping a stake in her wavering hands, as if a vampire would jump out at her at any moment even if her mind argued that it wasn’t logical, her instinct that something would hurt her was stronger.
RING! Buffy jumped as her phone vibrated she placed the receiver next to her ear, it was Willow.
“Buffy! It’s me, the gang’s going to the Bronze, we wanted to know if you’d come too?” Willow asked tentatively.
“Will I-” Buffy started to protest.
“-You never go out anymore, I’m worried about you, were all worried. Did something happen?”
“No! I mean nothing happened to me,” Denial seemed like a good idea.
“It’s just you guys are all going out with someone. You have Oz; Xander has Cordelia, kind of. I just don’t want to be the fifth wheel.”
“Maybe you should start dating again! I know a couple of really nice guys, it might help you, you know forget about Angel.” ‘And Spike,’ Buffy thought to herself.
Buffy hesitated, and then she thought about Spike how he made her feel. “Some other guy could make me feel that way without being undead,” she thought.
“Okay Will, I’ll come.”
“That’s great Buffy! We’ll meet you there! See you soon!”
After Willow hung up Buffy blindly groped for a lipstick as she looked into the mirror at her flushed face and red puffy eyes, “A beauty I am,” she said out loud sighing. She hadn’t thought she could get any more depressed, but hearing her best friends voice, so happy and connected just made her feel even worse.
When Buffy walked into the Bronze she experienced both anxiety and nausea at the same time, the prospect of being in a serious relationship again made her consider running the hell out of the club.
“Hey Buffy!” Willow greeted enthusiastically, too late she couldn’t leave now.
“Hey guys, Cordelia.” Buffy replied with Cordelia rolling her eyes in response, made Buffy smile a little.
“Buffy this is Parker Willow introduced a shy looking guy to her.
“Hi,” Buffy smiled with strain.
“Buffy, do you want to dance?” Parker asked seeming sincere something that guys were good at faking in Buffy’s experience, but not tinglies shocked down her body, so at least he wasn’t a vampire.
“Okay,” Buffy answered, getting up to dance not knowing that Spike was watching her in the shadows. Buffy and Parker danced to the music while talking and laughing, Spike wanted to punch him.
The song ended and everything was going great, Parker was really nice, “nice and normal”, Buffy reminded herself.
Until the band left the stage and a new one came, a new, horribly familiar song started to play.
Long lost words whisper slowly to me,
Still can’t find what keeps me here,
When all this time I’ve been so hollow inside,
I know your still there.
Buffy became paralyzed with raw, primal fear as the song continued.
She broke away from Parker and made up a quick lie her eyes still glassy, “I’m sorry I just remembered, I have to get home. I’m grounded if my Mom finds out I was out this late, bye.”
He said something in response but she didn’t hear him she just had to get out. Buffy walked quickly out of the Bronze, Spike seeing her so scared, followed.
Buffy let out a breath of relief as she walked into the bracingly cool air.
“What’s got you so spooked love? Must’ve been something to drag you away from that nancy-boy,” Spike added edgily.
“God, stop with the jealous boyfriend crap, because you’re not my boyfriend! I can dance with whoever I want!” Spike grinned, he liked it when she got all flustered and angry.
“Not your boyfriend eh?” Spike asked kissing her neck and trailing a hand down her spine making her shiver.
“Stop, no,” Buffy cried weakly her mind screaming at her to do something.
Without thinking her fist flew threw the air colliding with Spike’s jaw with a crack, he looked at her with surprise as blood began pouring from his mouth. Her hand reached out to him for a moment before she snatched it away upon hearing voices calling her name, she looked at the mouth of the alley, then at Spike, and finally at the red fluid caking her knuckles, with a shallow breath Buffy ran blindly away from the one person who’d shown her any tenderness for a long time, tenderness that she was sure of, would kill her in the end.
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