"Did you ever have to make up your mind?
Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
It's not often easy and not often kind.
Did you ever have to make up your mind?
Did you ever have to finally decide?
Say yes to one and let the other one ride,
There's so many changes and tears you must hide.
Did you ever have to finally decide?"
This song has been running through my mind for days. Maybe it's some sort of Slayer thing. You know, there can be only one, and that one will be forever plagued by cheesy, yet prophetic, song lyrics. It's probably in the Slayer handbook or something. Or maybe it's another prophecy Giles forgot to tell me about, like the one that said I would die. Either way, it's happening. Because I do have to make up my mind. I have to choose between something I could never have, and something I never used to think I wanted. So what can I do?
Should I hold out for Angel? Exactly how long do I have to wait for him? I've been home for weeks, without so much as a word. He couldn't drop a dime to tell me that he isn't dead? Scratch that, he's been dead as long as I have known him. At first it really bothered me. The whole not calling, not writing, not saying good-bye thing. But as time goes on, it bothers me less. I guess some of the memories are fading. All that I'm left with is cryptic boy's leather jacket and a cross. And while they say a lot, they don't say everything. I didn't even really know how he felt about me when he was around. How could I possibly know what he's thinking when he is away? There is so much he never told me; so much we could have shared. But we made the decision to cool off. I guess it gave him the wiggins too, the whole Vampire/Slayer thing. Maybe nothing would have happened even if he had stayed. Maybe I really didn't love him.
Sometimes I felt like I loved him. He was so romantic. He was the perfect tall, dark, and handsome prince. Sure, there was the thing where he drinks blood, but I could have looked past that. Or I at least would have tried. When it didn't work out, then he could run away. But to leave me when things were so fuzzy gray area? Did he expect me to wait? Did he want me to wait? I don't think I will. I don't want to wait until my life is over for some guy who may never be coming back. I'm not going to spend eternity pining over him, when I don't even know how he feels. I want to know right now exactly how it's going to be. If he can't tell me, I'll find someone who will.
But is that person Xander? Is he just my Xander-shaped friend, or could he be my love? How will I know either way? Sometimes, I think there might be something there, especially lately. Since Willow and Angel split town, we've spent a lot of time together. And after I was finally able to see through my haze of Angel-induced depression, I had fun. He had fun too. Together, we were able to forget about all of the bad things that have happened lately. Together, we were able to get past the sadness. And sometimes, it felt like maybe he was more than just a friend. Like maybe someday I could really care about him, in that way.
I know that's how he feels about me. I could tell even before he asked me to the Spring Fling. I think that he might love me. Or at least he thinks he does. I think he might have loved me for a while now. But I'm just not sure how I feel. Part of it is Angel. Xander doesn't really measure up in some areas. He's not as tall, or breath- taking, or dangerously mysterious, or exhilarating. But he is cute. I love his smile. And he's funny. He can always make me laugh. And dangerous and mysterious are overrated. Sometimes, it's nice to have reliable. And he's brave, so brave. He has saved more times than I like to think. He brought me back from the dead. It's like we have a bond between us. I like that I know what he's thinking, and that he knows how I feel. I like that we can talk about anything. Angel and I never talked. Things are different with Xander. I like it. I like him. I think I'm going to give it a shot. I'm going to see what will happen. Maybe there is a deeper bond between us. Maybe I'll fall in love.
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