Author's Note: If you never seen MST3K, The characters sit in front of the movie and make wisecracks throughout. Anything said by Xander & Co. are in bold. The rest of the movie is normal text.
The outlines of Xander, Crow and Tom Servo come in front of the movie screen
XANDER
So I have to watch this movie again? Wasn't it bad enough the first time. And how exactly do those guys monitor my mind?
TOM
Dianetics.
"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...."
CROW
A young man was beaten up repeatedly for his silly habits of reading science fiction. This is his story. And revenge
XANDER
Are we going to be talking throughout the movie?
TOM
(Sighs)
You've never done this before, have you?
CROW
Take a potshot. Come on. Do it.
"EPISODE 1 THE PHANTOM MENACE"
XANDER
Where Alec Guinness gets haunted by a ghost-like Dennis the menace.
CROW & TOM
Ooooh Mr. Kenobi!
"Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of
trade routes to outlaying star systems is in dispute. Hoping
to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships,
the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the
small planet of Naboo."
TOM
(singing)
Naboo are you?! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
CROW
Are we going to be tested on this?
XANDER
Nothing like a movie where the entire plot is subtitled.
While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this
alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly
dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and
justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict....."
TOM
Not just any Chancellor, but the *Sumpreme* Chacellor.
CROW
What makes a Chancellor supreme?
XANDER
Tomatoes and Sour Cream.
INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER - COCKPIT
In the cockpit of the cruise, the CAPTAIN and PILOT maneuver
closer to one of the battleships.
QUI-GON (O.S.)
Captain.
XANDER, TOM & CROW
Oh my Captain!
The Captain turns to an unseen figure sitting behind her.
CAPTAIN
Yes, sir?
QUI-GON (O.S.)
Tell them we wish to board at once.
Xander
Five minutes into this and I'm already bored.
CAPTAIN
Yes, sir.
The CAPTAIN looks to her view screen, where NUTE GUNRAY, a
Neimoidian trade viceroy, waits for a reply.
CAPTAIN
With all due respect for the Trade
Federation, the Ambassadors for the
Supreme Chancellor wish to board
immediately.
NUTE
Yes, yes, of coarse...ahhh...as you
know, our blockade is perfectly legal,
and we'd be happy to recieve the
Ambassador...Happy to.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM
A door slides open, and the two cloaked shapes are led PAST
CAMERA into the formal conference room by TC-14.
TC-14
I hope you honoured sirs with the
most comfortable here. My master
will be with you shortly.
Crow gives a wolf whistle
TOM
Nice plating!
The droid bows before OBI-WAN KENOBI and QUI- GON JINN. He
backs out the door and it closes. The JEDI lower their hoods
and look out a large window at the lush green planet of Naboo.
OBI-WAN
I have a bad feeling about this.
TOM, CROW & XANDER
So do we.
QUI-GON
I don't sense anything.
OBI-WAN
It's not about the mission, Master,
it's somethging...elsewhere...elusive.
XANDER
Much like the plot.
CROW
We need more subtitles!
QUI-GON
Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-
Wan. Keep your concentration here
and now where it belongs.
OBI-WAN
Master Yoda says I should be mindful
of the future...
QUI-GON
...but not at the expense of the
moment. Be mindful of the living
Force, my young Padawan.
TOM
Did he just call him a panda?
OBI-WAN
Yes, Master...how do you think the
trade viceroy will deal with the
chancellor's demands?
TOM
By falling asleep.
QUI-GON
These Federation types are cowards.
The negotiations will be short.
XANDER
Unlike the exposition.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE
NUTE GUNRAY and DAULTRAY DOFINE stand, stunned, before TC-
14.
NUTE
(shaken)
What?!? What did you say?
TC-14
The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I
believe.
CROW
Oooh! I thought you said Boogie nights. My mistake.
NUTE
I'll wager the Senate
isn't aware of the Supreme
Chancellor's moves here. Go. Distract
them until I can contact Lord Sidious.
TOM
Oooo. Sounds Sidiousy
DOFINE
Are you brain dead? I'm not going in
there with two Jedi! Send the droid.
Dofine turns to TC-14, who lets out a squeaky sigh.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM
OBI-WAN
Is it their nature to make us wait
this long?
XANDER
I've been waiting for a plot to show up.
The door to the conference room slides open, and TC-14 enters
with a tray of drinks and food.
QUI-GON
No. I sense an unusual amount of
fear for something as trivial as
this dispute.
CROW
Trivial pursuit! I love that game!
TOM
Dispute! Dispute!
CROW
Ohhhh. That's much more boring.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE
Nute, Dofine, and Rune Haako are before the hologram of Darth
Sidious, a robed figure whose face is obscured by a hood.
DOFINE
This scheme of yours has failed,
Lord Sidious. The blockade is
finished! We dare not go against
these Jedi.
TOM
(Gasps)
A man in a hooded Cloak!
XANDER
Who could he be?! What powers could he have?
DARTH SIDIOUS
This turn of events is unfortunate.
We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy.
Begin landing your troops.
CROW
You guys are kidding right?
NUTE
Ahh, My Lord, is that, Legal?
DARTH SIDIOUS
I will make it legal.
XANDER
Good lord! He has the ability to legislate!
TOM
My God! It's Joe Lieberman!
CROW
Who?
NUTE
And, the Jedi??
DARTH SIDIOUS
The Chancellor should never have
brought them into this. Kill them,
immediately.
NUTE
Ye..Yes, My Lord. As you wish.
CROW
And so Princess Buttercup went down to the conference room and slaughtered the Jedi. The End.
INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER - COCKPIT - DOCKING BAY
In the Cockpit of the Cruiser, the Captain and Pilot look up
and see a gun turret swing around and point directly at them.
PILOT
Captain !?
TOM, CROW & XANDER
Oh my Captain!
CAPTAIN
No! Warn...
EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HANGER BAY
The battle gun fires. The Republic Cruiser explodes.
XANDER
Alas... Poor Captain
TOM & CROW
Oh my Captain!
XANDER
To be seen again only in action figure form.
TOM
(Commercial Announcer)
Republic Cruiser! Now with Exploding action!
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM
Gui-Gon and Obi-Wan leap up to a standing position with their
light sabers drawn. TC-14 jumps back, startled, spilling the
drinks tray.
Gui-Gon and Obi-Wan turn off their swords and listen intently.
A faint hissing sound can be heard.
GUI-GON
Gas!
XANDER
He who smelt it dealt it.
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan each take a sudden deep breath and
hold it.
CROW
By this time my lungs were aching for air.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY
A hologram of NUTE , surrounded by BATTLE DROIDS, appears in
the conference room hallway.
CROW
Hey! Those guys look like me.
XANDER
You should sue George Lucas for copyright infringment.
NUTE
They must be dead by now. Blast,
what's left of them.
TOM
Uh... Xander, If they're dead, why are they blasting them?
XANDER
Insane troll logic.
TOM
Insane what?
The hologram fades off, as a BATTLE DROID, OWO-1, cautiously
opens the door. A deadly green cloud billows from the room.
BATTLE DROIDS cock their weapons as a figure stumbles out of
the smoke. It is TC-14 , carrying the tray of drinks.
XANDER
Troll logic. It's.... Oh never mind.
TC-14
Oh, excuse me, so sorry.
TOM makes a sound like an excited Homer Simpson.
CROW
Ohhhh yeah. You can change my oil anytime.
The PROTOCOL DROID passes the armed camp just as two flashing
laser swords fly out of the deadly fog, cutting down several
BATTLE DROIDS before they can fire.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE
The bridge is a cocophony of alarms. NUTE and RUNE watch OWO-
1 on the viewscreen.
OWO-1
Not sure exactly what...
OWO-1 is suddenly cut in half in mid-sentence. RUNE gives
NUTE a worried look.
NUTE
What in blazes is going on down there?
RUNE
Have you ever encountered a Jedi
Knight before, sir?
XANDER
Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
CROW
Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
NUTE
Well, not exactly, but I don't...
(panicked)
Seal off the bridge.
TOM
(Monty Python Voice)
None shall pass!
RUNE
That won't be enough, sir.
The doors to the bridge SLAM shut.
NUTE
I want destroyer droids up here at
once!!!
XANDER
Well I want a pepporoni pizza and another eyeball, but that's not going to happen.
RUNE
We will not survive this.
TOM
We probably won't either.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY - OUTSIDE BRIDGE
QUI-GON cuts several BATTLE DROIDS in half, creating a shower
of sparks and metal parts. OBI-WAN raises his hand, sending
several BATTLE DROIDS crashing into the wall.
CROW
Oh that's a call to MAACO
QUI-GON makes his way to the bridge door and begins to cut
through it.
XANDER
He's trying to get into the bridge!
TOM
(Monty Python Voice)
None shall pass!
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE
The CREW is very nervous as sparks start flying around the
bridge door.
NUTE
Close the blast doors!!!
The huge, very thick blast door slams shut, followed by a
second door, then a third. There is a hissing sound as the
huge doors seal shut. QUI-GON stabs the door with his sword.
A red spot appears in the center of the blast door.
RUNE
...They're still coming through!
On the door, chunks of molten metal begin to drop away.
NUTE
Impossible!! This is impossible!!
TOM
Umm... Obviously it *is* possible.
CROW
Who would think breaking into a bridge would be so boring
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY - OUTSIDE BRIDGE
Ten destroyer WHEEL DROIDS roll down the hallway at
full speed. Just before they get to the bridge area, they
stop and transform into their battle configuration.
QUI-GON
Destroyer droids!
The WHEEL DROIDS blast away at the two JEDI.
OBI-WAN
They have shield generators!
QUI-GON
It's a standoff! Let's go!
TOM
Just wave your hand Won-Ton!
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE
NUTE and RUNE stand on the bridge, watching the view screen
as the WHEEL
DROIDS' POV speeds to the doorway.
RUNE
We have them on the run, sir...they're
no match for destroyer droids.
TEY HOW
Sir, they've gone up the ventilation
shaft.
XANDER
He's one mean mother-
CROW
Hush your mouth!
XANDER
But I'm talking about Shaft!
TOM
I can dig it.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - MAIN BAY
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN appear at a large vent in a giant hanger
bay. They are careful not to be seen. Thousands of BATTLE
DROIDS are loading onto landing craft.
QUI-GON
Battle droids.
OBI-WAN
It's an army.
XANDER
It's the Kenner toy production line.
TOM
(Commerical Announcer)
Destroy planets with your own plastic army.
QUI-GON
It's an odd play for the Trade
Federation. We've got to warn the
Naboo and contact Chancellor Valorum.
Let's split up. Stow aboard separate
ships and meet down on the planet.
OBI-WAN
You were right about one thing,
Master. The negotiations were short.
TOM
(Fake Chuckle)
Oh Obi-Wan... You rascal!
INT. NABOO PALACE - THRONE ROOM
The QUEEN, EIRTAE, SACHE and her Governor, SIO BIBBLE, stand
before a hologram of SENATOR PALPATINE, a thin, kindly man.
TOM
It is Joe Leiberman!
XANDER
I knew it!
CROW
EVIL!
PALPATINE
...How could that be true? I have
assurances from the Chancellor...his
Ambassaodrs did arrive. It must be
the...get...negotiate...
The hologram of PALPATINE sputters and fades away.
AMIDALA
Senator Palpatine?!?
(turns to Panaka)
What's happening?
Capt. Panaka turns to his SERGEANT.
CAPT. PANAKA
Check the transmission generators...
BIBBLE
A malfunction?
CAPT. PANAKA
It could be the Federation jamming
us. Your Highness.
XANDER
Highness? She's a queen? She's only fourteen!
TOM
I bet there are a ton of laws regarding the use of Barbies.
BIBBLE
A communications disruption can only
mean one thing. Invasion.
AMIDALA
Don't jump to conclusions, Governor.
The Federation would not dare go
that far.
CROW
If they saw your acting, they sure would.
EXT. NABOO SWAMP - TWILIGHT
QUI-GON runs through the strange landscape, glancing back to
see the monstrous troop transports, emerging from the mist.
Animals begin to run past him in a panic.
An odd, frog-like Gungan, JAR JAR INKS, squats holding a
clam he has retrieved from the murky swamp. The shell pops
open. JAR JAR's greta tongue snaps out and grabs the clam,
swallowing it in one gulp.
JAR JAR looks up and sees QUI-GON and the other creatures
running like the wind toward him. One of the huge MTT's bears
down on the JEDI like a charging locomotive. JAR JAR stands
transfixed, still holding the clam shell in one hand.
JAR JAR
Oh, noooooooooo!
XANDER, TOM & CROW
Ooooooooh God!
JAR JAR drops the shell and grabs onto QUI-GON as he passes.
The JEDI is caught by surprise.
JAR JAR
Hey, help me! Help me!!
XANDER, TOM & CROW
Don't do it! Don't do it!
QUI-GON
Let go!
The machine is about tp crush them as QUI-GON drags JAR JAR
behind him. Just as the transport is about to hit them, QUI-
GON drops, and JAR JAR goes splat into the mud with him. The
transport races overhead.
QUI-GON and JAR JAR pull themselves out of the mud. They
stand watching the war machine dissapear into the mist. JAR
JAR grabs QUI-GON and hugs him.
JAR JAR
Oyi, mooie-mooie! I luv yous!
The frog-like creature kisses the JEDI.
XANDER
And thus Qui-Gon Jinn and Jar Jar Binks slash is born.
QUI-GON
Are you brainless? You almost got us
killed!
CROW
And yet you let him live.
JAR JAR
I spake.
QUI-GON
The ability to speak does not make
you intelligent.
TOM
Nor does being in this movie.
QUI-GON starts to move off, and JAR JAR follows.
JAR JAR
No...no! Mesa stay...Mesa yous humble
servaunt.
XANDER
Oh-ho-ho. That Jar-Jar!
CROW
He's so amusing because of the way he talks.
TOM
I can't get enough of him.
In the distance, two STAPS burst out of the mist at high
speed, chasing OBI-WAN.
QUI-GON
I have no time for this now...
JAR JAR
Say what?
The two STAPS barrell down on OBI-WAN.
JAR JAR
Oh, nooooo! Weesa ganna....
QUI-GON throws JAR JAR into the mud.
QUI-GON
Stay down!
His head pops up.
JAR JAR
...dieeee!
CROW
We couldn't be that lucky.
The two troops fire laser bolts at OBI-WAN. QUI-GON deflects
the bolts back, and the STAPS blow up. One-two. OBI-WAN is
exhausted and tries to catch his breath.
OBI-WAN
Sorry, Master, the water fried my
weapon.
TOM
Is that a penis metaphor?
XANDER
If so, that's what happens when you swim in cold water.
OBI-WAN pulls out his burnt laser sword handle. QUI-GON
inspects it, as JAR JAR pulls himself out of the mud.
QUI-GON
You forgot to turn your power off
again, didn't you?
TOM
Oh... He's talking about his flashlight.
CROW
I get it now
OBI-WAN nods sheeplishly.
QUI-GON
It won't take long to recharge, but
this is a lesson I hope you've
learned, my young Padawan.
OBI-WAN
Yes, Master.
JAR JAR
Yousa sav-ed my again, hey?
OBI-WAN
What's this?
QUI-GON
A local. Let's go, before more of
those droids show up.
JAR JAR
Mure? Mure did you spake??!?
Xander's silohette stands up.
XANDER
Okay. I've had enough of this guy. Let's go.
OBI-WAN and QUI-GON start to run. JAR JAR tries to keep up.
JAR JAR
Ex-squeeze me, but da moto grande
safe place would be Otoh Gunga. Tis
where I grew up...Tis safe city.
Xander's silohette picks up Tom and the group walks out of the theater.
CROW
I never realized that speech impediments could be funny.
TOM
Neither did George Lucas.
COMMERICAL BREAK
DISCLAIMER:
I own nothing. No BTVS, MST3K or Star Wars. Strictly for educational purposes. I swear.
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