INT. SATELLITE OF LOVE
Xander groans and sits up on the desk, rubbing his
head.
XANDER
Oooo. I thought only Giles got knocked
unconscious like that.
Xander looks around at the SOL.
XANDER
Oh boy. Either I'm dreaming or...
Crow and Tom Servo pop up wearing pirate outfits
made from construction paper.
CROW
Har! Har!
TOM
Avast ye scurvy dog!
XANDER
Please God. Let me be dreaming.
CROW
Show us your booty or we'll hornswaggle
ya!
XANDER
Okay... first of all, nobody is seeing
my "booty" and second, what the hell are
you supposed to be?
TOM
Arg! We're the fiercest pirates this
side of the Carribean! Arg!
CROW
Johnny Depp runs in fear when he sees
us! Har!
XANDER
Are you sure that's fear he's running
from?
Gypsy pops up behind Xander wearing a wig and an
outfit only Keira Knightly could pull off.
GYPSY
Please don't make me walk the plank with
Orlando Bloom!
XANDER
Okay! That's enough! What's with the
Disney motif?
CROW
You mean... you mean you're not a
pirate?
XANDER
No.
TOM
Do you even have a parrot?
XANDER
No.
GYPSY
I won't get to meet Orlando Bloom?
XANDER
I have no idea what you just said, but
the answer is probably "no".
Gypsy sighs a heartbreaking sigh and wanders off.
XANDER
Can anybody please explain to me what is
going on here?
CROW
Beats me. We were activated right after
you were zapped up here.
XANDER
By who?
A light starts flashing on the console.
TOM
If you want answers, you better ask the
Katzenjammer twins.
INT. GIZMONIC INSTITUTE
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank smirk at the screen.
DR. FORRESTER
Good evening, Mr. Harris! Welcome to the
Satellite of Love! I am the *EVIL* Dr.
Forrester and I believe you already know
my assistant, TV's Frank?
INT. SATELLITE OF LOVE
XANDER
You! I remember you! I was having a
drink in Second Banana Heaven and-
INT. GIZMONIC INSTITUTE
DR. FORRESTER
Where he slipped you a "mickey" and we
kidnapped you to be our new subject for
experimentation.
FRANK
Looks like you get to be our little
movie butt-monkey of love!
Frank and Forrester cackle evilly.
DR. FORRESTER
How d'you feel about that Zeppo?
FRANK
I told you Torgo would be angry! It's
your own fault for bringing in
headlining characters into Second Banana
Heaven!
INT. SATELLITE OF LOVE
CROW
Zeppo Butt-monkey? That's your name?
TOM
I bet *all* the kids were nice to you in
grade school.
XANDER
My name is not Zeppo Butt-Monkey! I'm
nobody's butt-monkey!!
CROW
What is your name?
XANDER
Xander Harris.
TOM
I think I prefer Butt-Monkey.
Xander begins to strangle Tom Servo.
INT. GIZMONIC INSTITUTE
DR. FORRESTER
Well, it looks like our subject is
fitting in well with the bots, wouldn't
you say Frank?
FRANK
Yeah... but something's missing though.
DR. FORRESTER
Oh and what would that be?
Frank holds up two jumpsuits. One Red. One Green.
FRANK
Gotta have a jumpsuit.
DR. FORRESTER
Of course. 'Cuz every girl's crazy about
a one-eyed man in a jumpsuit. What's it
going to be Harris? Red or green?
INT. SATELLITE OF LOVE
Xander is still throttling Tom
CROW
Red! Red!
Xander is taking out some past issues on Tom.
XANDER
Syphilis! Bug Eating!
TOM
(strangled)
Red! Red!
XANDER
Eye ripped out!
INT. GIZMONIC INSTITUTE
FRANK
The votes are in!
DR. FORRESTER
And it's red by a nose! All right pond
scum. This weeks experiment is a little
movie by a well-known money grabbing
director. He's pushed the boundaries for
special effects everywhere, but still
managed to piss off his entire fan base
by making a "prequel" to his well known
trilogy "Star Wars". That's right. This
week we are torturing you with Episode
One: The Phantom Menace. Enjoy.
Frank and Dr. Forrester do the evil villain laugh
thing.
INT. SATELLITE OF LOVE
CROW
Oooo. Phantom Menace? I guess working
for American Home Videos made Dr.
Forrester extra cranky.
Xander continues to strangle Tom.
XANDER
Anya! Dead!
TOM
(strangled)
Not... my... fault!
The movie sign light and siren goes off
distracting Xander. He lets go of Tom.
TOM
Aiiigh! Movie Sign!
CROW
We've got movie sign!
XANDER
Movie sign?
The door opens behind Xander and Cambot starts
zooming forward.
XANDER
What the heck is "Movie Sign"
Cambot runs directly into Xander's face, knocking
him over.
XANDER
Gah!
10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.
Disclaimer: I have no rights to the characters of MST3K or BTVS. Please don't sue me for putting the two shows together. I'm just trying to have a little fun.
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