TEASER
Xander and Lucy walk down the street together
holding hands.
LUCY
We are not having this conversation.
XANDER
You're the one who dragged me to the
movie. Again.
LUCY
There was subtext I missed before.
XANDER
The subtext being?
LUCY
I wanted to see Johnny Depp again.
XANDER
Uh-huh. So as a result of your Johnny
Depp obsession I get inundated with the
false oompa-loompas. On my birthday no
less.
Lucy checks her watch.
LUCY
You were the one who said I could choose
the movie.
XANDER
Uh-huh. Last time that happens. Oh, and
if you want we can walk around the block
one more time.
LUCY
Why would I want to do that?
XANDER
To give Willow more time to get
everything together for the surprise
party.
Lucy scowls.
LUCY
How did you know?
XANDER
Hello! Seer!
LUCY
You had a vision?
XANDER
That and Liv spilled the beans.
LUCY
Damn kid.
LUCY
You better act surprised because...
XANDER
I know. It's all Willow's doing.
LUCY
She was just all excited about doing it
and...
XANDER
It was nice change from ongoing
depression. I hear ya. Don't worry, I'll
act so surprised my eyes will pop out of
my head.
LUCY
Har-dee-har-har.
INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM
Willow is in full panic mode as she and everyone
else tries to decorate the living room in time.
Liv is watching Xander and Lucy from the front
window.
WILLOW
Gah! Streamers! Streamers! Get the
streamers up! They're almost here.
LIV
They're talking! Okay now they're
cuddling.
AUDREY
Can't we just "magic" these up?
Willow frowns.
WILLOW
Um. Yeah we could, but no.
Dawn and Buffy run into the room holding a banner.
BUFFY
Uh Will? We got the banner but the
printers had some trouble with your
handwriting.
WILLOW
What? No! What did they-?
Dawn and Buffy pull out the banner which spells
"HAPPY BIFTHDAY XAND3R!"
WILLOW
Oh my God! Are they retarded?!
DAWN
We can fix it. Got any paint?
Liv continues to look out the window.
LIV
Downstairs next to the weapons cabinet.
Okay. Now they're...
Liv makes a face and steps back from the curtain.
LIV
Okay... as a slayer and a daughter I
really shouldn't see that.
Maya hands Liv some streamers.
MAYA
Here you stream. I'll voyeur.
WILLOW
Can you really fix it?
DAWN
I'll just turn the "F" into an "R". Do
we still have time?
MAYA
Yeah. They're still mackin' on each
other.
LIV
(disgust)
Eww.
Dawn runs off to the basement as Spike walks into
the room carrying a bag of party supplies from
"Party Town".
WILLOW
Ooo! Spike! Did you-
Spike rolls his eyes and pulls out a bunch of
pointy party hats.
SPIKE
Yes. But if you expect me to wear one,
I'll bite you on general principle.
Giles walks in holding a cake.
GILES
Willow, where do you want the- Ooo!
Party hats.
Spike rolls his eyes and stuffs a hat on Giles's
head.
BUFFY
C'mon Spike. Get in the spirit.
SPIKE
Spirit? Have you forgotten how bad
things get for birthdays on the
hellmouth?
MAYA
Okay! Looks like they are taking another
spin around the block!
Willow sighs in relief.
BUFFY
That's for my birthday, Spike. Just
because my birthday is jinxed doesn't
mean that something bad is going to
happen today.
Everyone freezes and looks at Buffy.
BUFFY
Aw crap. Did I just jinx us?
MAYA
Go in the backyard, turn around three
times and swear.
BUFFY
That will un-jinx us?
GILES
No, but it will be terribly amusing.
WILLOW
Gah! Ice cream! I left it out!
Willow runs into the kitchen.
SPIKE
Isn't she usually a little more
organized than this?
MAYA
Well we would have been ahead of
schedule if someone hadn't summoned a
Aiel demon.
AUDREY
It wasn't my fault!!
Giles and Spike takes finger swipe of icing to
taste it.
LIV
We were mopping up pus for over an hour.
Giles and Spike look at each other and then their
fingertips and frown. They wipe the icing away
with napkins.
AUDREY
These streamers just aren't working.
BUFFY
You don't think I really jinxed Xander's
birthday do you?
Audrey starts making gestures with her hands.
SPIKE
Yes.
GILES
Don't be silly. You can't just jinx
something by saying it won't happen.
MAYA
Audrey what are you doing?
GILES
Besides to truly jinx a day would mean
that-
Audrey throws her hands a certain way and-
The streamers evaporate in a puff of smoke and the
birthday cake explodes all over Spike. Willow
screams something about the ice cream from the
other room.
BUFFY
(to Maya)
So that was three times around and then
I curse?
MAYA
Right.
Buffy marches off to the back door.
WILLOW
(OS)
Get the mop! Get the mop!
SPIKE
We're doomed.
INT. AIRPLANE
Two figures, wrapped carefully in clothing to
cover almost any skin sit side by side in first
class. They talk quietly among themselves.
FIGURE1
The prophecy has been confirmed. It
begins tonight..
FIGURE2
I have already made arrangements with
the local demon population to assist us.
He will have no choice but to give us
what we want.
FIGURE1
Before the night is over, our master
will be returned to us!
As we pan by the figures to the first row of
business class we see JORDY pretending to read an
in flight magazine while intently hearing every
word the two people ahead of him are saying.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(over intercom)
We will begin our landing shortly into
the Cape Kenneth Airport. Please return
your tray table and chairs to their
upright positions. We hope you enjoyed
your flight and we thank you for flying
Oceania airlines.
FIGURE1
Tonight, Cape Kenneth will be ours.
Jordy sighs and turns back to his magazine.
JORDY
Home, sweet home.
END TEASER
ACT I
INT. FONTAINE FOYER
Xander and Lucy enter through the front door. a
hubbub of activity can be heard coming from the
other room.
LUCY
Hey Liv!
They enter into the...
INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM
LUCY
We're ho-
Lucy and Xander stop in shock.
LUCY
-Oooooh! What happened here?!
Spike is still covered with cake, vainly trying to
clean it off himself. Dawn is trying to hang the
"fixed" banner. Liv and Maya are spraying cans of
air freshener. Audrey is sitting in the corner of
the room sulking. Buffy and Willow come in from
the kitchen. Willow appears to have been attacked
by mint chocolate ice cream.
BUFFY
(not noticing Xander)
Okay. I spun around six times and cursed
twice, so-
Everyone stops and looks at Xander and Lucy.
ALL
(Meek)
Surprise.
Lucy is horrified. Xander is somewhat amused.
XANDER
Look. It's all my favorite people. And
Spike.
LUCY
Covered in cake and frosting.
XANDER
Undead, yet delicious.
SPIKE
Right. That's it.
Spike walks over and grabs Audrey by the arm.
AUDREY
Hey! Let go!
SPIKE
Party's over for us, love.
DAWN
Oh! C'mon Spike. Stay a while.
XANDER
Have a piece of cake!
Everyone snickers except for Willow. Spike snarls
at Xander and marches out the door with a
protesting Audrey.
WILLOW
(Whimpers)
Oh! So not the way it's supposed to be!
XANDER
Are you kidding? Did you see the way
Spike left? Tell me that wasn't fun.
WILLOW
But! The banner is misspelled! The cake
walked out the front door and the ice
cream seems to be stuck to the kitchen
ceiling.
Xander puts his hands on Willow's shoulders.
XANDER
Will. First of all... Still blind. Can't
read banners. Second: My friends are all
here. Third: Spike is gone and- Wait.
Where's Andrew?
GILES
Carefully inventorying the scatological
remains of the Apmaw demons at council
headquarters.
Xander smiles.
XANDER
-And Andrew isn't here. And finally: I
don't need a cake. You see? Best.
Birthday. Ever.
LUCY
Um. There's ice cream on the ceiling?
LIV
Well at least we cleaned up all the pus.
LUCY
Pus? I'm just going to start drinking
heavily now. Is that okay?
XANDER
Knock yourself out.
WILLOW
Oh! And I made your favorite homemade
meal!
XANDER
Chinese take-out?
WILLOW
(nodding affirmatively)
Mmm-hmm! And they deliver!
GILES
(to Buffy)
How is take-out homemade?
BUFFY
Don't ask.
DAWN
It's a Xanderism.
INT. CAPE KENNETH AIRPORT - BAGGAGE CLAIM
The two strangely dressed figures walk through the
baggage claim. Jordy trails them from a distance.
We catch snippets of their conversation
FIGURE1
-it is tonight?
FIGURE2
Yes. Our master-
FIGURE1
-ishbearer-
Jordy cocks an eyebrow at the last statement.
EXT. CAPE KENNETH AIRPORT
Jordy follows the two figures as they approach an
old beat-up van. The van door opens and he watches
as the two figures step inside. Jordy captures a
brief glimpse of a Fyarl demon inside.
FIGURE1
Quickly! There isn't much time!
The door closes and the van takes off.
INT. AIRPORT - PUBLIC PHONE
Jordy rushes over to the phone, puts in a quarter
and dials a number.
PHONE
(filtered)
I'm sorry. This line has been
disconnected. Please try again.
Jordy hangs up the phone with a look of concern.
He puts in a another quarter and dials again. This
time he just gets a busy signal.
JORDY
Huh.
INT. FONTAINE FOYER
Lucy is holding up what appears to be the remains
of a telephone as everyone is chowing down on
Chinese food from those paper food containers.
LUCY
Um. Can anybody tell me what happened
with the phone?
GILES
Yes. Well, Audrey was trying to help
with the decorations and tried to use
some magic to-
LUCY
Put ice cream on my ceiling and melt the
telephone?
GILES
Well, not as such. Who had the mu shu
pork?
BUFFY
Xander. No.
XANDER
Oh... you're just afraid I'll beat you
this time.
BUFFY
No, I'm just remembering the potsticker
projectile vomit launcher.
MAYA
I'm sorry what?
DAWN
Xander's challenging Buffy to a
potsticker eating contest.
BUFFY
Which he always loses.
LIV
It's the superior slayer metabolism. You
can't beat it.
XANDER
Are you backing away from the challenge
Summers? Because that means I'm taking
home the championship belt by right of
forfeit. Willow? Back me up on this.
WILLOW
Sweetie. I know it's your birthday, but
I just finished cleaning up Pus, ice
cream and birthday cake. I think the
potsticker challenge is a bad idea.
XANDER
You people just don't know how to have
fun.
EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE
Or rather the charred burned out remains of the
firehouse. Jordy stands in front of it with a
worried look on his face. A cab driver is leaning
against his vehicle.
CABBIE
Looks like your friend knows how to have
a good time.
JORDY
Yeah.
CABBIE
Got any place else to call home?
JORDY
Just one.
FX: The doorbell rings.
INT. FONTAINE FOYER
Buffy opens the door. When she opens the door her
face registers her disgust.
BUFFY
You.
Whistler stands on the door step with his arms in
a complacent gesture.
WHISTLER
Slayer! You're still alive?
BUFFY
No. I'm dead. Go away.
WHISTLER
Now. Now. I've got a gift for the
birthday boy that just can't wait.
XANDER
Let him in Buff.
Buffy scowls and steps in front of Whistler as he
tries to walk by.
BUFFY
Just so we're clear? Screw this party up
and I'll kill you.
XANDER
What brings you here Whistler? I mean,
other than the open bar.
WHISTLER
Hey... no wisecracks. I come bearing
someone else's gifts.
Whistler pulls out an envelope and hands it to
Xander
WHISTLER
Happy Birthday.
XANDER
What is it?
WHISTLER
An envelope dummy.
Xander opens the envelope and pulls out what seems
to be a small dirty coin corroded with tarnish.
XANDER
What's-
Suddenly what appears to be energy surrounds
Xander. Xander falls to the ground with a yelp of
surprise. It one swift motion Buffy grabs Whistler
and slams him into the wall.
BUFFY
That's it. You're dead.
DAWN
And when she's done killing you, we'll
have Willow bring you back to life and
then *I'll* kill you.
WHISTLER
I swear! The letter came from a friend!
Lucy is checking Xander over.
LUCY
Sparky? You okay?
XANDER
Anybody get the number on that taser?
Lucy rolls her eyes.
LUCY
He's fine.
BUFFY
(to Whistler)
Still going to kill you.
WHISTLER
I swear! I didn't know! She told me it
was a gift!
BUFFY
Who?
Liv picks up a piece of paper from the envelope.
LIV
What's this?
Liv opens up the paper. Giles looks over her
shoulder.
LIV
(reading)
"My dearest Xander..."
GILES
Oh dear lord.
Buffy is practically strangling Whistler.
BUFFY
Who gave it to you? Some kind of evil
demon? Someone who has it in for Xander?
GILES
I know this handwriting.
Everyone looks at Giles.
XANDER
Well? Whose is it?
Giles takes the letter and looks at it more
closely.
GILES
Anya's.
Xander sighs.
XANDER
Oh great. I'm dead.
END ACT I
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