TEASER
INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BASEMENT
Xander has a doubtful look on his face.
XANDER
How is this supposed to work exactly?
ANGLE ON: The corner of the basement.
Willow has put together a meditation corner
complete with mats, rice paper screens with
Chinese characters written on them and a small water
fountain.
WILLOW
It's supposed to help you attain a
meditative state necessary for you to
achieve a better understanding with your
power of foresight.
XANDER
And you learned this from?
Willow holds up a book titled "Out of Body
Experiences in 30 days."
WILLOW
It's the standard textbook for all
potential seers.
XANDER
Yeah. Right. This is some sort of New
Age crap isn't it?
Willow pouts.
WILLOW
You were the one who said that you were
getting tired of only getting a two
minute warning when danger came
erupting.
XANDER
I know but-
WILLOW
Then park your butt on the floor mister!
XANDER
Will...
Willow gives Xander the look and points to her
face. Xander sighs.
XANDER
Facial expressions are kind of lost on-
WILLOW
Sit!
Xander obediently sits down on the mat. Willow
joins him.
WILLOW
Now assume the lotus position.
XANDER
What's the-
Willow places her heels on her upper thighs.
XANDER
Oh hell no!
Willow points to her face again. Xander sighs and
then groans as he pulls his feet into position.
WILLOW
Ready?
XANDER
(sighs)
Yes.
WILLOW
Okay. Now drink this.
Willow hands Xander a glass of red liquid.
XANDER
What's this?
WILLOW
Cranberry juice.
XANDER
Cranberry juice?
WILLOW
The book says that a glass of wine can
help relax you.
XANDER
And I'm drinking cranberry juice
because...
WILLOW
Spike drank all the wine after his last
argument with Buffy before she left.
Xander takes the juice and drinks. As does Willow.
WILLOW
Okay. Now close your eyes.
XANDER
Ha.
WILLOW
Oh. Right. Now just focus on your
breathing.
Xander takes a deep breath and lets it go slowly.
They sit for a few seconds just breathing.
WILLOW
Have you found your samadhi yet?
XANDER
If that's a cramp you get in your leg,
then yes.
WILLOW
Okay. That would be a no.
XANDER
I don't think this is working Willow.
WILLOW
Xander! You're not even trying.
XANDER
I'm sitting on a mat, concentrating on
my breathing and losing all circulation
to my legs. If that's not trying-
WILLOW
Mentally Xander! You're not trying
mentally. You can't just sit there and
achieve a state conducive to receiving
visions, you have to practice.
Xander sighs.
XANDER
Gotcha. Practice.
Xander gives two thumbs up.
XANDER
I'm 100% on board with this. Let's zen
away.
Willow smiles.
WILLOW
Okay... Let's try something else then.
Focus on the water element. Listen to
the sound of it lapping over the rocks.
They sit and listen to the sound of running water.
XANDER
Okay. Now I have to pee.
Willow pouts.
WILLOW
Me too. Maybe cranberry juice was a bad
idea.
XANDER
Ya' think?
Willow stands up.
WILLOW
Okay. Potty break and then it's back to
the transcendental training!
XANDER
Uh, Willow?
Willow looks down at Xander who has rolled over on
his back. His legs are stuck in the lotus position
and won't release.
XANDER
Little help?
Willow helps Xander disentangle his legs. Xander
sighs in relief.
XANDER
Ahh... circulation returning. Do we
really have to do it this way?
WILLOW
Xander! This is important! Who knows
what kind of evil is lurking out there
and how they are going to attack next?
It could be demons! It could be vampires
it could be-
EXT. ST. BUFALARI'S SCHOOL - DELIVERY ENTRANCE
Two nuns supervise the delivery of several boxes.
The first nun is quite formal and making sure that
the boxes are being will taken care of. The second
nun is drooling.
NUN 2
Chocolate. Mmmm.
NUN 1
Praise be. The Lord once again provides
us with his bounty.
The second nun gives her a look of disdain.
NUN 2
"Bounty"? What have you been sniffing?
Who says that anymore?
NUN 1
I do. Bounty is a wonderful word. In
fact it's used quite frequently.
Nun 2 is opening one of the boxes.
NUN 2
Sure. If you're a paper towel
manufacturer.
NUN 1
Nevertheless. Our fund raising for the
school's new band uniforms has been
abysmal this year. Now that we have-
What are you doing?
Nun 2 has pulled out a chocolate candy bar and is
snarfing it down.
NUN 2
Quality assurance. I'm making sure this
candy isn't substandard.
NUN 1
These boxes of chocolate were a private
donation from an anonymous benefactor.
It would be unwise-
Nun 2 makes a sound of rapture and opens another
candy bar.
NUN 2
Ooohh baby! This is the good stuff.
You've got to try this!
NUN 1
This candy is for fund raising!
Nun 1 rips the candy bar away from Nun 2
NUN 2
I want the candy! Give me my candy!
NUN 1
No. This is for the band uniforms.
A worker, whose face we do not see, approaches the
two nuns.
WORKER
Excuse me sister, but is everything all
right?
Nun 2 takes her index finger and puts it in her
mouth.
NUN 1
Everything thing is wonderful. We so
apprec-
Nun 2 sticks her finger in Nun 1's ear. Nun 1
smacks it away.
NUN 1
Stop that! We so appreciate the
donation. Please accept our humble
thanks and the lord's blessing.
As the worker steps forward, we see who it really
is. Ethan Rayne. Ethan gives her a smile.
ETHAN
Trust me sister. The Lord doesn't want
to bless me.
Nun 1 chuckles at what she thinks is a joke. This
is interrupted by Nun 2 who is waving her index
finger in front of Nun 1's face.
NUN 2
Is this bothering you? Because I'm not
touching you.
Nun 1 sighs heavily. Ethan gives them both a very
evil grin.
END TEASER
ACT I
INT. ST. BUFALARI'S SCHOOL - HALLWAY
Maya is loading up her backpack from her locker as
Liv approaches carrying a stack of boxes filled
with band candy.
MAYA
I think you've seen that Willy Wonka
movie one too many times.
LIV
It's not for me. It's for the band.
MAYA
You're not in the band.
LIV
But Tucker is. I'm helping him sell it.
MAYA
Tucker's in the band?
LIV
Yes.
Maya snorts.
MAYA
Geek.
LIV
Okay. That was awfully "Audrey" of you.
MAYA
Oooo. I'm sorry. What instrument does
he play?
LIV
Um... Oboe.
Maya starts laughing hysterically. Liv stomps her
foot.
LIV
You can't typecast people from what
instrument they play!!
MAYA
Oh yes I can.
Liv pouts.
LIV
We can't all have ultra-cool slacker
boyfriends who never write.
Maya frowns.
MAYA
Liv, I'm just having fun with you.
Tucker's a great guy.
LIV
So you'll be my best friend and buy a
box of chocolate?
MAYA
I walked into that one didn't I?
LIV
Sucker.
MAYA
How did you get stuck pimping candy?
Liv pouts.
LIV
Every time we're supposed to have a date
I either have to patrol or some
unspeakable evil shows up. So...
MAYA
Guilt pimping.
LIV
Yeah. Could we not use the word "pimp"?
MAYA
I calls it likes I sees it.
Liv looks down the hallway.
LIV
What would you call that?
Maya looks up and sighs as Audrey approaches.
MAYA
Too many nuns around. I'll tell you
later.
AUDREY
What happened to Dye job?
LIV
What do you mean?
AUDREY
He's supposed to be my bodyguard? He
hasn't shown up the last two days.
MAYA
Judging from the beating he took from
his ex-girlfriend, he may be out the
next couple of days.
Audrey rolls her eyes.
AUDREY
Great. So does that me you two losers
are going to be at practice today? If so I'm
going to ask you to remain out of sight
because too many people think we hang
out together and my social ranking is
starting to go into a tailspin.
LIV
Gosh Audrey, with an attitude like that,
maybe I'll just let the horde of
monsters attack and I'll watch from the
sidelines.
MAYA
Family fun for everyone.
AUDREY
Hardy-freaking-har. What's that?
LIV
Band Candy. Wanna buy a box?
AUDREY
Gah! Have you not seen my Cameron Diaz
complexion? My dermatologist has given
me a strict diet and facial regimen that
I must stick to keep my face all glowy
and non-splotchy.
LIV
You don't have to eat it. Just buy it.
It's for the band.
AUDREY
I'm sorry, I'll only buy a box if they
stop wearing those damn q-tips on their
heads. Every time I see the play I feel
like I have to clean my ears.
MAYA
Obviously you never learned to stop with
the q-tip when you feel resistance.
Audrey smirks at Maya.
AUDREY
Oooo. Aren't we testy. What's the matter
Maya? Did your puppy get gassed at the
pound?
Maya bristles at the comment.
MAYA
Shut up Audrey.
AUDREY
What? Not a word from the poodle? Guess
the little mutt couldn't handle life on
the hellmouth after all.
Maya drops her school bag and moves in to punch
Audrey. Liv steps between them.
LIV
Ahhh... Maya. Technically we're supposed
to be protecting Audrey. Not trying to
kill her.
MAYA
Yeah. Really don't care.
Maya tries to get by Liv, but Liv catches her.
LIV
Sister Margaret let you off easy last
time. You don't want to get expelled do
you?
Audrey smirks at Maya.
AUDREY
Better listen to the Freakshow. She is
the smart loser of the bunch.
Liv scowls as Audrey starts to move off. Liv
quickly sticks her foot out at the right moment
and Audrey trips over her boot sending her flying.
Maya laughs as Audrey lands flat on her face.
AUDREY
You bitch!
Audrey storms off in a huff. Liv gives her friend
a wide smile.
MAYA
(wicked witch of the west)
"I'll get you my pretty!"
LIV
There was no part of that that wasn't-
NUN 2(OS)
Gangway!
Liv and Maya are knocked to the side as Nun2 runs
through the hallway carrying a nun's habit like a
football.
NUN 2
Nun coming through! Make way for the
nun!
Maya and Liv give each other a confused look as
she runs by.
MAYA
What the hell was-
Nun1 runs by Liv and Maya sans habit. Her hair is
in curlers. Nun 1 is not amused.
NUN 1
Come back here you devil!
Liv and Maya blink hard and then laugh at the
sight.
LIV
Okay...
MAYA
Sister Eugenia appears to have eaten her
wheaties this morning.
LIV
And Sister Kimberly wears curlers under
her habit.
They laugh again and suddenly stop with a look of
concern.
MAYA
This is the prelude to something bad
isn't it?
Liv pouts.
LIV
I hate the hellmouth.
INT. CRYPT
Looks a little bit like the crypt from Sunnydale.
Spike has a fridge and "telly" He's passed out on
top of a beat-up military bunk. Liquor bottles are
scattered on the floor.
The crypt door pops open and Xander stumbles in.
Dawn follows in after him, opening the door fully.
The light from the door hits Spike and he begins
to smoke. He sniffs the air and rolls over.
SPIKE
(mumbles)
No bacon for me, Mother. Eggs will do
just fine.
Dawn sees the smoke and quickly shuts the door.
DAWN
Spike?
Spike groans in pain. Xander looks at the
multitude of liquor bottles lying on the floor.
XANDER
I see you and Buffy left on your usual
terms.
SPIKE
What's that supposed to mean?
XANDER
Nothing. Liv called me from school and
said that you haven't been showing up
for bodyguard duty.
SPIKE
'Been taking a vacation.
Dawn holds up a tequila bottle
DAWN
With your friend Jose Cuervo?
Spike looks at the bottle with confusion.
SPIKE
I was drinking tequila?
Xander and Dawn just look at each other.
XANDER
What happened Spike?
SPIKE
She left. Nothing changed even after...
DAWN
Ahhh... another man left wounded in the
wake of Hurricane Buffy.
SPIKE
If I didn't have a soul...
XANDER
Oooo. He's bringing up the soul again.
DAWN
Must have been the perfect storm.
SPIKE
Did you two come here just to annoy me?
XANDER
Well I know I did.
DAWN
We just wanted to make sure you weren't
so depressed that you didn't take a nap
in the morning sun.
SPIKE
Pffft. Your sister isn't that great.
DAWN
Okay... now we're in denial.
XANDER
Think it's safe to leave him alone?
SPIKE
If you don't leave me alone I'll bloody
rip your head off.
DAWN
Yeah. He'll be fine.
INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN - LATER
Willow walks in the back door as Lucy is going
through some paperwork at the kitchen table.
LUCY
Hey you.
Willow sighs.
WILLOW
Hey.
LUCY
How was your walk?
Willow sits at the table slumps.
WILLOW
Brisk. Invigorating.
LUCY
Depressing?
WILLOW
That too. I really appreciate you
letting me and Dawnie stay with you guys
while... you know.
Lucy waves her hand to dismiss the thought.
LUCY
Hey. You're family.
WILLOW
I am?
LUCY
Well... Xander's my guy and since you
two are his family... well.. you know. Plus
anyone who is working the extra mojo to
come up with spells to protect my little
girl is more than welcome to share my
room and board.
Willow gives her a little smile.
WILLOW
Lucy? We... um. We never really talked
about what happened the other night.
Lucy falters.
LUCY
What other night?
WILLOW
You know. The one where you ran out of
the room crying and I fell asleep
because a vampire spiked my pig in the
blanket with a sleeping potion.
LUCY
Oh... that was just... me overreacting.
WILLOW
No! That's just it! It wasn't an
overreaction. And... and I never
apologized and-
LUCY
Will, your girlfriend just died. I
just... I just projected my feelings
into the conversation.
WILLOW
But! Hello! Feelings! Valid feelings!
Just because I actually had a loss
doesn't discount what you feel.
LUCY
Willow, I appreciate the thought but-
WILLOW
Uh-uh. No way missy. You just called me
family so that means we share.
Lucy looks away.
LUCY
I just... I thought I had it under
control and then...
WILLOW
The hellmouth pulled the rug out from
under you.
LUCY
I'm just scared, you know? Now every
time Liv and Xander go out... I just
wish-
WILLOW
GAH! No! No wishing.
Lucy laughs.
LUCY
Right. Sorry. I forgot Harris Rule
number eleven. Never ever wish for
anything out loud.
Lucy and Willow share a smile.
WILLOW
What was it for?
LUCY
A switch that would just make everything
all right.
WILLOW
Yeah. That'd be nice.
LUCY
I've got something almost as good
though.
Lucy gets up and pulls a box of Band Candy from
the cabinet. (Yeah... you knew that was coming.)
Willow gives Lucy a skeptical look.
LUCY
Chocolate for charity!
WILLOW
Band candy? Um... Did Xander ever tell
you about...?
LUCY
C'mon Will. What are the odds that we're
going to regress to our teenage years?
WILLOW
Well... Okay. But if I start taking off
my shirt and body surfing at the local
dance club, I'm holding your
responsible.
EXT. CAPE KENNETH - MAIN STREET
Dawn and Xander walk down the street. Behind them
an old man with a walker is following them.
DAWN
Do you think we should have stayed and
talked with him?
XANDER
I think leaving before he started
throwing empty bottles at us was the
best decision. Besides, I've found that
the best place to be when Buffy is
having any kind of relationship trouble
is furthest point away from the
fireworks.
DAWN
Coming from the guy who obsessed about
her in high school.
XANDER
Yeah well that was high school. Today...
well.
DAWN
It's all about the Fontaine girls.
XANDER
So... what do you think of Lucy?
DAWN
Well considering it's been more than a
year and she hasn't tried to kill you or
hasn't become a demon, I'd say she's
pretty special in comparison to the
history of women in Xander Harris' life.
I mean... hellmouth and mother of a
slayer withstanding, you guys have a
pretty normal relationship.
XANDER
And that's good?
DAWN
Anything remotely approaching normal for
you is-
Dawn stops in her tracks.
XANDER
What?
Dawn motions across the street.
ANGLE ON: CAPE KENNETH TOWN SQUARE
A grown woman sits on the sidewalk playing jacks.
Grown men and women scurry for hiding places as
one adult has his eyes covered.
ADULT
19. 20. Ready or not here I come!
Dawn and Xander give each other a look.
DAWN
Weird.
XANDER
What the hell is going on?
The old man who has been following Xander and Dawn
catches up to them. He slaps Xander on the
shoulder and tries to "run" away as fast
OLD MAN
Tag! Your it!
The old man cackles in his old man laugh.
XANDER
Okay. Should I tag him back?
DAWN
Wait a second. He dropped this.
Dawn leans over and picks up a wrapper of the
ground.
XANDER
What is it?
Dawn looks at the chocolate wrapper and sighs.
DAWN
Not good.
INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM
Xander and Dawn rush into the living room from the
front door. Maya and Liv rush in from the kitchen.
XANDER
Oh good!
LIV
You're here.
EVERYONE
We've got a problem.
Everyone gives each other a wary look.
EVERYONE
You first.
Xander shakes his head.
XANDER
Okay. Liv go get suited up. Maya... get
on the Council mainframe and dig up
everything we have on Ethan Rayne.
LIV
What's wrong?
DAWN
Chocolate.
Maya and Liv share a worried look.
DAWN
We've got a bunch of middle aged people
out there eating band candy and playing
red rover in the middle of traffic.
MAYA
Yeah... about that chocolate thing...
Xander's face drops.
XANDER
What happened?
LIV
Well-
Suddenly there is a large explosion from the
kitchen. What appears to be a missle punches
through the wall flies across the room between Xander
and Dawn and embeds itself in the other wall.
DAWN
What the-?
Xander, Liv and Maya run to the kitchen as Dawn
pulls the "missle" out of the wall and holds it
up. It appears to be a melted plastic doll.
DAWN
You've got to be kidding.
INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN
Xander and crew rush into kitchen. It's filled
with smoke.
XANDER
Lucy!
Xander stops cold as does Liv and Maya at the
sight before them.
LIV
We tried to tell you.
ANGLE ON: KITCHEN TABLE
A rudimentary pipe has been fashioned into a
cannon. Willow and Lucy stand next to it with soot
on their faces.
Lucy and Willow are acting like six year olds.
LUCY
Oops.
WILLOW
(sing-song)
You're going to be in trouble!
END ACT I
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