ACT II
INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN
WILLOW
Xander!
LUCY
Hi Sparky!
(to Willow)
He's my boyfriend.
Willow rolls her eyes.
WILLOW
Gross! Boys are icky.
XANDER
Uh... Ladies? What have you been doing?
WILLOW
Playin' Barbie.
Dawn and Xander exchange a knowing look.
DAWN
Oh boy.
XANDER
Okay. Then why is there smoke?
LUCY
Barbie Lab experiment.
MAYA
Oh my God! I'm having magma flashbacks!
DAWN
What are you talking about?
MAYA
Liv blew up my Malibu Barbie Dream car
with her volcano experiment.
Dawn holds up the melted Barbie missle.
DAWN
Like Mother, like daughter.
LIV
(to Maya)
Man, you will not let that go will you?
MAYA
Magma!
XANDER
Uh... Girls? We have bigger problems
right now.
Willow and Lucy start bouncing up and down in
front of Xander.
WILLOW
Hey Xander! Hey Xander! You know what?
XANDER
What?
WILLOW
Chicken-butt!
DAWN
I think they've been eating the
chocolate.
XANDER
(sarcastic)
'Ya think?
LUCY
Sparky look!
Dawn and Xander turn back Lucy and Willow
WILLOW
We got boobies!
Lucy and Willow pull their shirts up to show off
their chests. (They have bras on guys. Get your
minds out of the gutter) Maya turns away.
MAYA
Oh. This is just getting weird.
LIV
Mom! Don't do that!
LUCY
And we didn't even have to use kleenex!
Xander sits down, holding his head in his hands.
XANDER
Oh. We are in so much trouble.
INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Lucy and Willow are having a tug of war fight over
a Barbie doll.
WILLOW
This is my Barbie!
LUCY
It's mine! I gave it to you!
WILLOW
You said I could have it!
LUCY
That was before mine blew up!
WILLOW
Well, who's fault is that?!
As Lucy and Willow continue to argue, Xander is
massaging his temples as though in pain. Dawn
seems very amused. Maya and Liv watch as though it's
a train wreck.
LIV
Okay... technically those are my
Barbies.
Dawn holds up the melted Barbie.
DAWN
"Were" your Barbies.
MAYA
How did this happen?
XANDER
It's the chocolate. Somebody magically
spiked it. Last time it happened the
whole town went nuts.
LIV
This... this happened before?
XANDER
Not quite like this.
DAWN
Last time this happened the adults just
acted like teenagers. Now they appear to
be...
We hear a "thwack" sound followed by the sound of
a grown adult screaming like a six year old. Lucy
runs to Xander and buries her head in his chest.
DAWN
Well... younger.
MAYA
I'd qualify that as a "Duh".
LUCY
Willow hit me!
WILLOW
No I didn't! No I didn't! She pulled too
hard and-
Willow holds up Barbie's disconnected head in her
hand.
WILLOW
Barbie broke! And then.. and then
Barbie's body hit her in the eye!
LUCY
I'm going to be blinded for life!
WILLOW
Nuh-uh!
LUCY
Uh-huh!
WILLOW
Nuh-uh!
LUCY
Uh-huh!
If Xander had eyes... he'd be rolling them right
now. He turns to the non-chocolate eating crowd.
XANDER
Any ideas?
MAYA
Well you happen to be looking at the
master babysitter. For a situation like
this... I recommend extreme action.
CUT TO:
INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM
Lucy and Willow sit wide-eyed in front of the TV. Lucy
cradles the headless Barbie in her arms. Willow
has Barbie's head cradled in hers.
TV
(singing)
In our secret backyard We can make
your day more fun and less hard No more
frowning, let's get learning ABC's and
123's Everything from words to weather We'll
discover them together...
Liv watches her "elders" with skepticism.
LIV
I don't know. Won't this stunt their
development?
MAYA
If you want to turn it back to C-SPAN,
be my guest. I'm not going to be
responsible for the aftermath.
LIV
But C-SPAN is cool! I used to watch it
every Saturday morning!
MAYA
Freak.
Dawn hangs up the phone.
DAWN
Talked with Riley. Ethan Rayne escaped
from the government compound three
months ago.
XANDER
Which answers one question.
MAYA
What other answers do you need?
XANDER
Why now? Where is he? What's his goal
behind this?
INT. BAD GUY SECRET HIDEOUT
Ethan leans up against the wall with and his
trademark evil grin.
ETHAN
Chaos. Complete and utter chaos.
He turns to Nuggano and Amy who stand with
Lateesha.
NUGGANO
And how will that fit in with my master
plan?
ETHAN
By tonight all the adults in town will
have eaten the candy, reverting them to
a level of a six year old.
AMY
The slayer will be too busy keeping the
peace to do anything about the target.
And while she's distracted, she'll be a
prime target herself.
NUGGANO
How do we keep the Watcher from
discovering our plans?
ETHAN
The watcher is a fool. He has no idea
how to control his power and by the time
he realizes what is going on it will be
too late.
INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BASEMENT
Xander sits quietly in the lotus position
meditating. The water fountain sits by him
gurgling. Dawn sits on the pommel horse watching Xander,
looking bored.
DAWN
Anything?
XANDER
I have to pee again.
Dawn sighs.
DAWN
Well that's what you get for drinking
all that cranberry juice.
Xander frowns and struggles to get out of the
lotus position.
DAWN
I don't think this meditation thing is
for you.
XANDER
You think?
Dawn helps Xander get to his feet.
DAWN
I think we should try something else.
INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM
Dawn pushes Xander into an easy chair.
XANDER
Whoa! What are you doing?
Dawn pulls the lever on the chair and puts Xander
into a reclining position.
DAWN
Trust me.
Dawn picks up the remote control and tosses it to
Xander.
DAWN
Find something to watch.
XANDER
What? Ah.. Dawnie? In case you haven't
noticed, I'm kind of television
impaired.
DAWN
Trust me.
Xander sighs.
XANDER
All righty then.
Xander flips a channel. Lucy and Willow flip out.
LUCY
Hey!!
WILLOW
We were watching that!!
DAWN
Shh! Why don't you girls go ask Maya for
something to eat.
The "girls" pout as Dawn hustles them out the
door.
XANDER
Dawn...
DAWN
Trust me.
Xander sighs and starts flipping through channels.
At first it is a mechanical process. As Xander
relaxes it becomes less mechanical and more
intuitive. Soon he tilts his head and-
INT. AFRICAN GRAVE SITE
Xander looks around. He is sitting in the easy
chair and holding the remote, which looks out of
place in his current whereabouts.
Igqhira is standing in front of the grave sites
from Xander's previous vision. Igqhira finishes
shoveling a load of dirt on the second grave.
Xander sits in the easy chair watching him.
Igqhira turns and faces Xander.
IGQHIRA
One more to fill.
Xander flinches and-
INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM
Xander leaps out of the chair; trips over the foot
rest portion of the chair and lands on the coffee
table, smashing it to pieces.
DAWN
Xander?
Xander groans and pulls himself up.
XANDER
I'm fine.
DAWN
Did it work?
XANDER
Not the way I intended it to.
DAWN
What did you see?
XANDER
You don't want to know.
LIV
(OS)
Hey guys?
Xander and Dawn turn to Liv who walks in through
the front door into the living room holding
various bits of paperwork.
LIV
I've got someth-
(notices the coffee table)
What happened to the coffee table?
XANDER
Um...
DAWN
Zen meditation ritual.
LIV
Ohhhh-kay.
XANDER
What did you find?
LIV
First of all, do you guys know how weird
it's getting out there? I just saw a
bunch of middle-aged people playing
kickball.
XANDER
It's only going to get weirder. What did
you find?
LIV
I tracked down Sister Eugenia and in
between a couple of games of "hopscotch"
was able to find out some things
regarding the shipment of chocolate.
XANDER
Such as?
LIV
It was an anonymous donation through a
dummy charitable organization.
DAWN
How do you know the charity was a fake?
Liv smiles and hands her some papers.
LIV
Look at the law firm who set up the
501a.
DAWN
Oh my God! It's-
XANDER
Yeah. Already jumped to that conclusion.
What else?
LIV
Unfortunately that line of investigation
dried up at the sight of W&H, but that's
not the end of the story.
Liv hands Dawn another sheet of paper.
DAWN
A signed receipt of delivery from the
shipping company.
LIV
And the address of where the truck was
loaded.
Xander smiles and gives Liv a pat on the back.
XANDER
That's my girl
DAWN
Okay, is she a slayer or just a
miniature version of Peter Falk?
LIV
A miniature version of who?
DAWN
Never mind. So what do we do now?
Xander thinks for a second.
XANDER
Let me see that shipping receipt.
Xander takes the piece of paper and does his head
tilting thing.
DAWN
You got something?
XANDER
You could say that.
INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM - LATER
Xander, Dawn and Liv walk up the stairs. Lucy and
Willow are back to watching TV. Maya sits on the
couch reading.
DAWN
You sure about this?
XANDER
Pretty sure. Liv why don't you go get
ready and-
Lucy steps in front of Xander and Liv, arms
crossed and pouting.
LUCY
Where are you going?
LIV
We're just going out on patrol to make
sure that no adults eat any more
chocolate.
Lucy runs over and hugs Liv's leg.
LUCY
No! You're not going anywhere.
Liv chuckles.
LIV
C'mon Mom. Time for me to go to work.
Suddenly Lucy bursts into tears.
LUCY
No!! You can't go!! Because monsters are
real and if you go then you won't come
back and I'll be all alone and then the
monsters will come after me!!
Liv and Xander look down at Lucy... Realization
crosses their faces. Liv swallows hard.
LIV
Mom...
LUCY
You can't go! I won't let you!
MAYA
Um... Who wants ice cream?
This pulls Willow away from her TV watching.
Willow runs over and starts bounces around and
waving her arms.
WILLOW
I do! I do!
Lucy gives Maya the serious look only a six year
old in an adult body can muster.
LUCY
This is more important than ice cream.
Willow rolls her eyes.
WILLOW
Somebody's acting like a baby.
LUCY
Am not!
WILLOW
Are too!
LUCY
Am not!
XANDER
Girls!
WILLOW
Look! It's easy! Just make Xander
promise-
XANDER
What?
WILLOW
-that everything will be okay!
XANDER
(warning)
Will-
Willow belts out with radiant smile.
WILLOW
'Cuz Xander always keeps a promise!
Right Xander?
Xander is stunned. Lucy gives Xander the puppy dog
eyes treatment.
LUCY
Do you promise? Do you promise everyone
will be safe *for-ever*?
Xander swallows hard at the question. Willow gives
Xander a look of absolute trust. Maya and Liv look
like the sky is about to crash down on them. Dawn
looks away and shakes her head.
DAWN
Lucy, we can't-
XANDER
(quietly)
Yeah. Everyone will be okay.
Dawn shoots Xander a look. He ignores it.
LUCY
(earnestly)
Cross your heart?
Xander gives her a small smile and pantomimes the
crossing of his heart. Lucy wipes the tears from
her eyes and sniffles. She then looks at Maya,
hopefully.
LUCY
Can we have ice cream now?
MAYA
(quietly)
Yeah. Sure.
Willow and Lucy run into the kitchen cheering.
Maya looks meaningfully at Xander and follows the
two "kids" into the kitchen.
DAWN
Xander...
XANDER
Yeah. I know.
Liv looks like the weight of the world is on her
shoulders.
LIV
This is because of what happened to
Kennedy, isn't it?
XANDER
(quiet)
Yeah.
Xander and Liv share a look.
XANDER
Go get ready.
END ACT II
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