Buffy's sitting on a bike rack-wearing a leather miniskirt, a leather tank top, a large gold neclace covering her chest and knee high leather boots. A rather obvious, precisely cut, mahogany stake hangs from her belt. When she sees Willow and gets up, her shoulders show that she has a large stake inside the leather tank top.
Willow walks up to her, leaning on a staff. "Your adventure with Darryl, wow, that made such a great story.", Willow praised. Buffy stared her down with a look begotten of years of war. "You compliment me too much, I just do what I can.", the Slayer told her. Buffy let out a whistle, and a bicycle rolls from the grass of the school to her.
"We have a new task, Willow.", Buffy stated plainly. "The local authorities seem to not be as enthused about our presence as we would like. So we have been charged to make the decorations and...refreshments for the teacher parent meeting on Thursday.", she said. "You don't seem too enthused about it yourself Buffy.", Willow told her. "All the recipes I know are for medicines and for hardened troops in an emergency.", Buffy told her. "I don't think the ruler of Sunnydale High is going to be impressed with a feast made of bark and aloe." Willow pointed with her staff. "Here, comes Xander."
"Xander the Mighty, he's nice and tidy/ Roams around Sunnydale High, a tale of his deeds would reach the sky", the boy sang. Xander was dressed in jeans and a sweat shirt. But that was covered with long ropes of garlic and many, many different types of crosses. A fire man's hat sat on his head, with a large crucifix superglued to it. "Hey, Xander.", Buffy greeted. "Want to help with a parent teacher conference?", she asked.
"Yes, us great warriors must stick together to accomplish great feets.", the boy boasted. "Plus, as well as being a group of blood thirsty crime lords, my family have always been great cooks.", he continued. "Hi, Willow.", Xander said in a most pathetically love sick way. "Hey, Xander.", Willow said with a polite smile. "Let's get going, we'll have to pick up supplies.", Buffy commanded.
"This is going to be great, as long as nothing bad happens.", Xander told the girls. Willow stopped in the middle of her hop onto the back axle of Argo (the bike). "Why did you go and say that for?", she scolded while grabbing Xander by the ear. "Nothing bad's gonna happen.", Xander pleaded. "Not until some idiot goes and says 'as long as nothing bad happens'.!", Willow continued. "What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?"
Buffy rolled her eyes and drove the cycle forward. Willow follows, pulling Xander the Mighty by the ear after her.
* * *
In a time of ancient demons [shot of Moloch], vampires [shot of the Master], and high school principals [shot of principal Flutie]...there was a town with a hell mouth. A land in turmoil cried out for a heroine, and her name was...Buffy!
Forged in the heat of battle, Buffy fought for the greater good. [Several scenes of Buffy fighting Luke, Pork & Beans, Darryl, etc.]
The style...the indie bands...the comedy....
Slay on Buffy!
* * *
Several vampires are seated around the Annointed, who is in the obligatory throne and wearing a crown. Suddenly, a car rolls though the open door that could only have been left open for a car to enter but the vampires weren't expecting. A blonde vampire in a leather trench coat jumps out of the 50s style hotrod, and starts beating the crap out of everyone he can find, and sometimes defying gravity or other laws of physics to do so. The guy works his way up to the Annointed, draws a long knife, and points it at the boy.
"Spike, the world's greatest assassin, at your service.", he said amicably. The vampires all get up, and aren't even mad that they just got their asses kicked to countries that they can't pronounce. "I hear you have Buffy trouble.", Spike told the Annointed. "I know what works real good with Buffy trouble-killing her."
The Annointed raised his eyebrows. "Are you a sporting man?", the Annointed asked Spike. "No, I'm in it purely for the bounty.", Spike told him. "I won't give Buffy a fair chance to even breathe.", the vampire spouted. "Good, you're hired.", the boy told him.
"Dru, dear?", Spike called out while morphing into his human visage. "You can come out now.", he said. The vampires pulling down door over the obvious way Spike entered the building stop their work. Although Druscilla is obviously dressed up to appear superficially royal as well as in ill health, her apparel is obviously degrading to women everywhere. The vampires without real speaking parts all whistle cat calls, until Spike glares at them. Then they all shut up very quickly.
"Spiiiike?", Dru cooed. Spike walks up to her, and supports her with one arm. "Yeah love?", the vampire asked her. "Did you get the bag of gold?", Druscilla asked him. "I'm 'bout to dear. Just need to kill a Slayer first.", Spike explained. Dru pouted. "But I want a bag of gold now.", she whined.
Spike turned to the Annointed. "You heard her, money up front.", he told the child. "But you didn't do anything but beat up my guards yet.", the Annointed replied. Spike shifted back into vampire form. "Money up front, I gotcha.", the child said and snapped his fingers at the vampires.
* * *
Buffy was at a table in the Bronze. Xander was leading a group of people in a chorus of his own personal theme song. She slumped over the table, exuding a overly manly, 'I like to brawl' attitude. Buffy emptied a mug in one gulp, and casually wiped her arm across her mouth. Her side kick, Willow, nearly balked at her dining manners.
"Hey.", Willow began. Buffy cast a tired gaze at her. "Have you ever noticed that a rock is sort of like a big grain of sand, and sort of like a very small boulder?", the bard asked. "Huh?", Buffy responded. "I mean, what if large, apparently irregular objects could be defined by smaller counterparts?", she asked. "Oh, so a really big watermelon could be described by a small glass of water?", Buffy asked. "You have no appreciation of philosophy.", Willow told her.
Buffy tilted her head, listening intently to an unaudible sound. "I think Xander's going to get some attention soon.", the warrior slayer said. Cordelia appeared in a pillar of smoke. "Good call, slayer girl.", she clucked. "Hello Aphrodite.", Willow greeted. "Why are you here?", she asked.
"Do I need a reason to mingle with the sweaty mortal masses?", Cordelia asked innocently. "Yes!", Willow and Buffy said at the same time. Cordelia's smile faded a little. "Okay. That weird guy, with the crosses duck taped to him. I find him attractive and I have no idea why. So I decided to check him out, and see if he can handle a goddess." "The goddess of love and beauty wants Xander?!", Willow asked. "Go figure.", Cordelia said and shrugged her shoulders.
Cordelia teleported into the middle of the group surrounding Xander. "Hi, you might know me from my numerous temples around the world devoted to my beauty and overall sexiness.", Cordelia introduced herself casually. Xander took a good look at her. "Could you move to the side? I'm trying to impress Buffy's bard.", Xander replied. Cordelia gasped in shock.
Lightening leaped from the goddesses fingers and blasted Xander's hat to the ground. Xander the Mighty cowered, and cried. Cordelia stormed away. After a few steps, she dissappeared in a puff of smoke. Willow pushed her way through the laughing crowd to Xander. "What did you do to tick off the goddess of love?", the bard asked him. Xander slowly stood up, looking around for Cordelia. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you.", he answered.
Buffy came up to the two. "We're supposed to be in this tavern to pick up info on the inevitable vampire problem Xander's jinx caused. Not getting into lightening fights with Aphrodite.", she told them. "I still don't thing that anything bad will happen.", Xander said.
Spike had walked past they're table in the mean time. The vampire stood in the middle of the crowd and called out, "Call the police. There's a big guy outside trying to bite somebody.". Buffy immediatly turned and ran outside.
Outside the Bronze, a vampire was trying to bite a girl. Buffy ran up to him, pulled the girl away, and punched him. The vampire flew back twenty feet into a brick wall. He got up and growled. A lot of other vampires appeared out of no where for no other purpose but allowing Buffy more people to beat up.
A wierd, pseudo-Gaelic chant started up. "AYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAAYA!", Buffy yelled. The Slayer flew...er, jumped, yeah-she jumped over all of the vampires to the other end of the alley. The vampires spent a few moments looking around for her, then turned to face her. They all rushed, and she staked them after dodging or blocking the one blow they could throw.
The blonde vampire sporting the trench coat came out of the shadows and clapped his hands. "Love the leather, doll. How much do you charge an hour?", Spike asked. "Who are you? What are you doing here?", Buffy asked him, gesturing with her stake. "Easy enough, I think I know this.", Spike said. He looked up for a moment and sucked his cheeks in. "Oh yeah, I'm Spike. And come St. Vigius, I kill you.", Spike told her.
Once Buffy took a single step, Spike retreated into the shadows of the alley. Willow and Xander walked up to her. "Hey, Buffy, what's up?", Willow asked. Buffy shook her head. Then she sniffed. "Xander, sweat from dancing and garlic doesn't mix.", the slayer told him.
* * *
The trio entered Buffy's house. Buffy walked straight in, and walked up to her room. "Alright, there you are!", Xander and Willow heard. Willow called up the stairs, "I thought your mom was out of town. Who are you talking to Buffy?". A body came rolling down the stairs in reply.
Angel stood up after his 'trip', with Buffy right behind him. "Give it back Angel.", she commanded. Angel put a hand over his heart. "I'm insulted that you would think that I was stealing from you.", Angel said from under his moustache. "You aren't known for being the king of theives because you spend your time in other people's homes twiddling your thumbs.", Buffy said coyly. "Well, I guess you have me there.", Angel conceded. The king of thieves handed back Mr. Gordo.
Angel turned to Willow. "Always a pleasure, Milady.", he said smoothly and bent to kiss her hand. Xander interposed himself. "Hey, Angel.", he greeted coldy. Angel looked at him. "I remember you.", Angel stated plainly.
"What do you know about a 'Spike', Angel?", Buffy asked. "They're pretty sharp.", the vampire told her. Then he stopped looking at the valuable china cabinet. "You don't mean 'Spike' in a naming sort of way, do you?", Angel asked. "Yes.", Buffy stated plainly. Angel rubbed his moustache. "Blondish, English, wears about as much leather as you?", the vampire asked. "Yes, and I don't wear that much leather.", Buffy told him.
Angel scoffed. "My dear...You may be the Warrior Slayer, but I know the queen of leather when I see it.", he said pointing to her miniskirt and tank top. "But anyway, don't mix up with Spike. He's a criminal.", he told them. Willow coughed, and it sounded sort of like "King of Theives". Angel glanced at her. "Well, in a bad sort of way." Xander glared at him.
"Maybe I should be going.", Angel stated. Willow pointed her staff at the door. Angel ducked his head in a very small bow, tweaked his moustache one more time, and left.
* * *
Thursday came afternoon, Buffy arranged for prep space in the school's library. After convincing her bard not to read the books until after the parent teacher conference was over, Buffy brought the supplies to the library. Xander the Mighty was mighty good with a knife, in the culinary sence of the word only. He would cut a two cucumbers into slices as thin as a razor blake simultaneously, juggle different vegetables, even used one of his many anti-vampire strings of garlic cloves for seasoning with a quick squeeze. Even Willow had to admit she was impressed, which put Xander into a bashful, grinning fool. he returned to normal after she hit him with her staff.
"So here's what we know about Spike.", Buffy began, while attempting to figure out how to make punch. "He's a vampire.", Willow said. "He shares your leather fetish.", Xander put in. The two girls glared at him. "What?", he asked.
The librarian spoke up. "If you are referring to William the Bloody, I have several texts.", Giles stated. "No thanks scribe. We need real world advice, not musky old books.", Buffy protested. Willow turned to Buffy. "But those texts contain information from over hundreds of years.", she pleaded. "Fine.", came the repsonse. "You work with the librarian. Xander, you keep on with the vegetable tray. I have to go find some lemons.", Buffy told them. Buffy then left the library.
Xander reached for the vegetable tray as soon as she was gone. But Buffy's mahogony stake flew into the Library, cut between Xander's hand and the tray, bounced off three book shelves, and made it's way back out the door.
* * *
That night, Buffy was serving drinks to the parents. A teacher announced, "All hail Principal Snyder.". Snyder walked up to Buffy first. "Hello, Snyder.", Buffy sneered. Xander and Willow saw this, and immediatly came to Buffy's back to calm her down. "I'd watch my tone if I were you, Buffy.", the principal said. "It's completly within my right to throw you in detention.", he said coldly.
With a quick "AYAYAYAYAYAYAY!", Buffy soumersaulted over the table with the drinks on it and landed in front of the principal. The girl grabbed Snyder by the lapels and lifted him into the air. "Just because you're the government here doesn't mean I have to like it.", the warrior Slayer said. "You're lucky I care about the people, or you would have had to get someone else for your catered affair. Just give me one reason to put you down, and I will.", she spat.
After Principal Snyder was set down, he hurried out of the area. Buffy turned back to harsh glares of her companions. "You said we'd try the more subtle approach this time.", Willow told her. "Well, compared to burning down a building, roughing up a school's principal is kind of subtle.", Xander said with his crosses clanging together as he gestured. Buffy smiled slightly. "What?", Xander asked.
Buffy shook her head. "I'm sorry. I was distracted. But we have more important things to worry about. Willow, what can you tell me about Spike?", she asked. The conversation was interrupted when Xander spat out a glass of lemonade. "How much sugar did you use with this?", Xander asked. "I didn't use any, it took away its bite.", Buffy replied. The warrior slayer picked up a cup and drank it all in one gulp. Xander shuddered involuntarily.
Then Cordelia appeared. "I can give you some sugar, Xander.", the goddess told the boy. She immediatly grabbed him by his crosses and kissed him. When she let go, she asked, "What do you think of that?". "I think you're in my line of sight of Willow, Aphrodite.", Xander told her. "UGH!", Cordelia exhaled and stormed away.
Buffy and Willow's jaws drop. "Did I just see that?!", Willow asked. "If you saw Xander refuse the goddess of love for you, then yes.", Buffy said. Willow turned to the slayer. Buffy kept a straight face except for one raised eyebrow. "Oh, no.", Willow said. She waved her staff in the air.
Xander gulped heavily, and a look of fright came upon his face. "You know how you wanted to know more about Spike, Buffy?", Xander asked. "Yes.", Buffy prodded. "Then why don't you ask him yourself, pet?", Spike said behind her. With him were so many vampires they wouldn't all fit in the same room.
Spike half turned to then and started giving orders. "Kill them all, pay attention to the girl.", he called out. The vampires growled and took a step forward. Then that damn pseudo-Gaelic chanting started again.
"AYAAYAYAYAYAYAY!", Buffy yelled, and threw her stake at a vampire's head. The stake bounced off the side of it, went through another vampire's heart, bounced off the floor, the wall, the ceiling, came back through the heart of the first vampire, bounced off the ground, and right into Buffy's hand. "Move it people!", Spike yelled. The vampires rushed.
Teachers and parents ran for safety. Willow covered one group and herded them into a class room while fighting off vampires with her staff. Buffy staked vampires out of the way in an attempt to get straight to Spike. The Slayer saw a vampire chasing a group of parents down a hall, whistled, and Argo the bike rolled out of a closet to trip the monster. Buffy rushed after that second group of parents and teachers to protect them.
Xander was surrounded by vampires. But few could overcome the garlic and actually get near him. Those that did burned their hands on his crucifixes. Arrogantly Xander boasted, "No one has the might to do harm to Xander the Mighty!". The vampires circled around him and growled.
One scratched his head for a while, then pointed out a flag on a pole to another vampire. The other vampire took the flag down and tore it from the pole. He hit Xander on the back of the neck with the pole, and the boy went down. Then the monster threw the flag over the crosses, and the rest of the vampires grabbed him. The group threw the whining Xander out a conveniently placed window.
After dismissing the birds chirping in his head, Xander sat up. The boy looked around, and when he didn't see any vampires he went for help.
* * *
"Okay, everybody stay calm. We can all get through this if we stick together and keep hopeful.", Willow told the parents she was trapped with. A toddler's cry filled the locked class room. Willow hurredly switched her staff from hand to hand as she weaved her way to the toddler.
"Hey there little girl.", Willow said softly. The little girl, now curious as well as scared, looked up at the bard. "Would you like to hear a story?"
* * *
"You, push that cabinet in front of the door.", Buffy commanded. The warrior slayer grabbed a male obviously in shock roughly by the shoulder. "Snap out of it. Help the other.", she snapped. The man nodded weakly, and only symbolically helped the first person.
"Buffy, what do you think you're doing?!", principal Snyder asked. "I'm saving lives.", Buffy said without answering him. The slayer continued pointing out the best way to defend the room to people, but Snyder snapped. "I am the principal of this school. Not you. What I say goes. And I say-urgh."
Buffy had pressed two fingers of each hand onto very specific points on Snyder's neck. "You have about 30 seconds until you go uncouncious from lack of blood to your brain.", she said while supporting Snyder from crashing to the ground. "So I suggest you listen up reeeeal good. I can deal with the guys outside this room. I need for your people to stay safe and out of my way. Understand.", she commanded. Snyder tried to nod his head, but he only succeeded in blinking shallowly. Buffy hit other pressure points and released her hold on him.
The warrior slayer moved a table and stood on it. In a moment, she was climbing into the ceiling.
* * *
Angel swung himself and Xander to the ground, then drew the line back into his shirt sleeve. "What we have here, my freind, is an impegnatrable fortress of supernatural guards with people's lives on the line.", Angel told Xander. "Nearly worth my talent.", the vampire said while rubbing his moustache.
"Forget your talent, we need a plan that's going to work.", Xander told him. "Gulp.", the boy continued when Angel grabbed his neck and lifted the boy off the ground. "Oh, I got a plan, heh, heh, heh.", Angel told him with his fangs bared. "Good plan.", Xander murmured.
* * *
"Spike, you cold blooded criminal!", Angel called out. The vampire was standing in the door to the school hall with Xander's head tucked under his arm. Spike turned to look at the newcommer.
"Angelus!", Spike cried while holding a metal staff he had picked up. The two came together and hugged each other with the free arm. "Spike, Spike, Spike...", Angel scolded. "I taught you the only way to keep a theif out is to always protect your perimiter.", Angel told the other. "I had someone out there. I'm surrounded by idiots.", Spike apologized.
Then the blonde nodded. "You come up against this Slayer yet?", Spike asked. "Yeah...leathery, but not too bright. Gave her the 'theif with a heart of gold' act. Keeps her off my back when I steal.", Angel giggled. "Oh woe, that old Robin Hood routine.", Spike agreed. "You still haven't killed anyone, have you?", he continued. Angel nodded slowly. "I'm working on stealing Buffy's mahogany stake. After that, the warrior slayer could be killed by anyone.", Angel assured him.
Spike looked hard at Angel. "This 'heart of gold thing'...it is just an act, right?", he asked. "You aren't...house broken?" Angel glared at him. "She killed the Master. Even my enourmous talent and personal charm couldn't cope with her.", Angel warned. "You want to fight her, be my guest. I'll just steal and run.", he said while pulling Xander into a more upright position.
"Now, now.", Spike said. "No need to get all cocky because we can pick a hundred locks a minute. We'll get her together." Both vampires leaned in toward Xander...
And Spike backhanded Angel. "You sell-out! You...you Uncle Tom!", Spike ranted. "You think you could fool me?! Hell, I was your assassin, man. You were my theif!", the vampire yelled. Angel stood next to Xander at the door they had entered. "Well, the currency changes hand my freind. And could you not hit me in the face? Think of all the ladies that'll be dissapointed out there.", Angel shot back.
Spike readied his new found metal staff. "Come on people! This isn't a spectator sport.", he ordered the other vampires. All the vampires except Spike ran outside after Angel and Xander hastily made their retreat. Spike stepped forward and stopped.
"Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum...I smell more leather than the refuse end of a burger factory.", Spike said. The pseudo-Gaelic music started...again. Buffy fell through the ceiling and yelled-you guessed it-,"AYAYAYAY!".
Buffy threw her mahogany stake at Spike. Spike put the metal staff in the way, and the stake ricocheted of the staff, off the wall, off the now closed doors behind him, off the other wall, again off the staff, and right back to Buffy's hand. As soon as Buffy had caught it, Spike slid forward face first and swept Buffy off her feet with the staff.
"AYAYAYAYAYAYAY!", Buffy yelled-and she back flipped off the floor as if she was yanked by very obvious stunt wires. The warrior slayer flipped over two times in the same spot in mid air, and landed on her feet. With much gusto, she pulled her long fighting stake out of the back of her tank top.
Spike threw the metal staff at Buffy and it hit her dead center-on her heavy gold chain! The staff bounced back into Spike's hands and the two began to parry without thrusting or aiming to actually hurt each other very energetically.
* * *
"Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O.", Willow lead the people trapped with her in song for the little girl. The little girl pointed at the window. "Aunt Willow, what's that?", she asked. Willow turned to look.
A vampire's head came crashing through the window. Angel pulled the monster back out the window. "Sorry about that, my dear. I guess I just over estimated my manly muscles.", he said with a smile through the shattered glass.
Angel then stood the vampire up on the grass and punched him in the jaw. The Vampire did a 450 degree flip before landing on his face. Angel turned to the next, but it threw a garbage can at him. The garbage can caught him in the ribs, and despite its downward trajectory, carried Angel up and 50 feet away. Angel got up, and brushed his clothes off because that was obviously all the damage he had gotten after being hit that far.
Xander swung at a small female vampire and missed. The vampire did a jumping spin kick and caught the boy in the jaw, completely missing all the crucifixes he had attached to himself. The girl then began to beat the crap out of Xander. Angel ran over, uppercutted the girl, and she flew ten feet into the wall of the school.
With that, the vampires ran away.
* * *
Inside the school, Spike and Buffy were still fighting. Buffy stepped on two invisible stairs in front of Spike, kicked him with one foot in his face on the way up, the back of the head with the other foot, flipped, and kicked him with both feet on the way down (Xena did this on Calisto in one ep, and Calisto did it right back. This isn't my imagination.). Spike was sent flying about thrity feet backwards. Spike got up, growled, and ran.
* * *
Later, Snyder was talking with captain of the gaurd, Officer Rob. "Captain, what are we going to tell people about this?", Snyder asked. "The truth?", the guard asked back. "Gang on PCP?", Snyder replied. "Gang on PCP.", the gaurd agreed.
Xander and Angel hung back outside the school. "So when did the brilliant idea occur to you to offer me to Spike?", Xander asked. "It seemed like a good way to get your ugly face off the planet. Being the lady's man I am, I had to do it for the women.", Angel replied grimly. Xander was brought to a halt, and Angel walked briskly on. "What did Spike mean by 'my theif' and 'your assassin'?", the boy yelled. Angel dissappeared.
Inside, Willow was being driven crazy, slowly but surely, by the nesseccary repetition of the Barney theme song to amuse the child. Then Cordelia materialized. "I don't get it, what's so special that the mortal sees in you but not in me?", the goddess asked. "'that' implies singular", Willow informed her.
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