Druscilla stands at the large dresser in her room; vividly holding a conversation with two dolls. The Spike is lying on the bed with computer readouts lying about him and holding a clip board. Occassionally, he makes a note of something he spies lying on the bed.
Druscilla turns to him. "Spike...", she cooes. "What are we going to do tonight?", she asks. The Spike looks up menacingly with much vigor.
"The same thing we do every night, Druscilla.", the vampire states. "Try to kill the Slayer!"
* * *
They're Druscilla and the Spike,
Druscilla and the Spike.
One's viscious killer...
The other's not quite right.
They're monsters that walk by night,
vampires that can't stand sunlight.
They're Druscilla, Druscilla and the Spike, Spike, Spike, Spike.
Before the night is done, their plan will be unfurled.
By the morning sun, they'll have killed that very special girl.
They're Druscilla and the Spike. Druscill and the Spike.
They're twighlight campaign is easy to explain.
To show they're vampire players, they're gonna kill the Slayer.
They're Druscilla, Druscilla and the Spike, Spike, Spike, Spike, Spike, Spike, Spike, Spike.
NARF!
* * *
The Spike stood before an impressive array of televisions, each tuned to a different news sources. Druscilla skiped her way onto the factory floor. The Spike looked up and stared blankly. Druscilla bandied up to him.
"Oh, Spike. Miss Edith has something simply wonderful to tell you.", she said rapidly. "Not now Druscilla. You should be paying attention to these monitors.", the Spike said in perfect monotone. "But you can spare one minute for our old friend Miss Edith.", Druscilla pleaded while holding up the doll. "No, Druscilla. Actually, I am unable to spare a minute over your fantasy friend. I simply must pay the utmost attention to these news reports.", the Spike protested. "Oh, suuuuuure.", Druscilla rolled her eyes. "You have plenty of time to play with all your little friends (Mr. Television...Mr. Monitor.). But the one time Miss Edith wants to talk to you, nooooo..."
The Spike shattered his clip board over Druscilla's head, and the vampire spiralled to the ground. After Druscilla picked herself up, Spike began speaking in perfect, rolling monotone. "These monitors are tuned into specific stock markets around the world. I've made several enterprising investments, specifically designed to drop real estate values in Sunnydale while multipling them in London." Druscilla's eyes lit up. "Maybe they wouldn't multiply so much if they just used protection?", she supposed. "Don't make me hurt you twice in the same paragraph Druscilla.", the Spike countered.
After a beat, he continued. "One of the Slayer's Watcher's old friends stays in London, running a costume shop. Now he'll be forced to look into a new location, one that's amicably magical and nesseccarily familial. And with Sunnydale's extremly high death rate, consequently low property values, and unfathomable amount of public transportation-Ethan Raynes will most undoubtedly settle here."
"Then he will distract the Watcher on Halloween with some old sordid tales, when nothing else happens. With this new companion, the Slayer will be caught off gaurd by the unwelcome comradalry.", the Spike concluded. "But what if something does happen on Halloween, and Mr. Raynes causes it?", Druscilla asked, clutching her doll tightly.
"Perposterous!", the Spike exclaimed.
"Nothing happens on Halloween.", the Spike declared. "But Spike, what if all his costumes turned people INTO the costumes, and they all...", Druscilla rambled. "Nonsense, Druscilla. If anything of the sort happens, I'll dress up like Billy Idol and roll around in a wheel chair for half of next year.", Spike assured.
After the blonde, leather clad, vampire left the room Druscilla struchk herself on the head. "That's not much of a punishment for the Spike is it, Miss Edith?", Druscilla asked her doll. The vampire then hit herself on the head again. "Aaoouuoo...This is fun. Zort!", Druscilla exclaimed. The vampire eventually beat herself senseless...er, uncouncious.
* * *
On Halloween night, the Spike was plotting again. Then he learned of new unpredicted information, and ran several computer models on it. "Druscilla!", he called out.
Dru ran around the room several times after she entered. The Spike had to grab her arm, and she nearly took him along for the ride when he held on. "Oh, I'm sorry Spike. I was just letting my hair chase me. It's nearly as fast as me you know.", she told him. The Spike winced. "Druscilla, your hair is exactly as fast as you.", he told her. "Oh. That would explain why it kept tapping me on the shoulder now, wouldn't it?"
The Spike rubbed his temples. "Anyway,", the vampire began. "Tonight, your prediction actually came to pass. Ethan's festive disguises have a Janus propelled transformation clause that reconsituted the space time continuum to what the costume's visage indicated.", the Spike told Druscilla. "Huh?", Druscilla asked. "It's like a booby trap that makes you turn into your costume, except you're the only booby that wasn't trapped.", the Spike answered. "Oh. Troz!", Druscilla commented.
The Spike shook his head and turned back to the monitors. Demons were chasing people up and down the street, obviously attempting to eat them. A lightbulb went off inside Spike's head. "Druscilla, are you pondering what I'm pondering?", he asked. Druscilla cocked her head and touched her chin. "I think so Spike, but a Watcher that only wears tweed gives me the shivers.", she repsonded. Then she tried to put on Miss Edith's sweater, managing to get her wrists in the sleeves before it ripped apart.
"Druscilla, get that raw meat we were saving.", the Spike commanded. "Tonight, we will kill the Slayer!"
* * *
Druscilla and the Spike stood in the middle of one of Sunnydale's busiest residential streets. Behind them was a pile of raw flesh, waiting to be eaten. Several monsters drew near shortly. When the Spike felt enough monsters had gathered round (and that he might not retain control of the meat for much longer) he began his speech.
"Freinds, demons, ugly men-lend me your ears...or whatever you may have.", the Spike called out. "I have not come to praise the Slayer, but to bury her." Druscilla interrupted, "Spike, if we bury her how can we kill her?". The Spike quickly turned to Dru. "What do you do to dead people, Druscilla?", he asked. Dru nodded and hung her head.
"Allow me to reiterate.", the Spike began again. "My fellow monsters-ask not what Hell can do for you, but what you can do to raise Hell!" "Um...Spike?", Druscilla asked again. "What is it Druscilla?", the Spike said annoyed. "If she's already dead, why are we trying to kill her?", she asked. The Spike shook his head. "She's not dead yet, I will take the utmost care in burrying her as well as killing her.", the vampire told her.
"Ahem!", Spike called out. "Let me tell you my brothers. Take a look, take a look around. You've been tricked! Hoodwinked! Bamboozled! You didn't land in Sunnydale. Sunnydale laaaanded on YOU!", he stated. Druscilla tugged on his leather trench coat. The Spike turned and glared at her. "Shouldn't you kill the Slayer BEFORE you bury her? I mean, otherwise she might end up being born after she dies, and we'd have to do this all over again now wouldn't we?", Druscilla asked him.
The Spike grabbed Dru's throat with both hands and lifted her off the ground to choke her. The vampire shook Druscilla back and forth several times before remembering he was being watched. The Spike turned his fangs to his new audience. Undaunted, the monsters pointed toward the meat. "Do you agree to eat the Slayer if I let you eat the meat?", the Spike asked. The monsters nodded. "Then let's get ready to hold a direct, skilled although informal, physical confrontation.", the Spike said. The monsters stared at him questioningly. Druscilla translated for him. "He means Narf.", she asserted.
"He means 'Let's get ready to rumble', moron!", the ghostly form of Willow yelled at the insane vampire across the street. The monsters turned to look at her. "Who's the moron now, my phantasmic unwitting collaborater?", the Spike asked. Willow kicked herself as she ran back to where Buffy and her freinds were hiding.
* * *
"They're coming!", Willow yelled. The Slayerettes had cornered themselves in an abandoned warehouse. Angel and Sgt. Xander stood between the monsters and the womenfolk. The monsters subdued them, then restrained everyone except Willow. Willow tried beating on the monsters, but her blows went straight through them. The Spike grabbed Buffy and held her up by the arms.
"Y-you aren't one of these unpleasant peasants?", Buffy asked. "Actually, I'm a vampire trying to kill the Slayer.", the Spike answered in perfect monotone. Druscilla hopped around. "Ooh, everyone's playing dress-up just like my dollies. Dress up! Dress up! Dres-Ow!", Druscilla was cut off by the Spike bouncing the Slayer off her head.
Spike layed Buffy back on a table. As he moved in to bite her, he heard a morphing sound behind him. "Poit.", Druscilla warned. The Spike turned around only to meet everyone turned back to normal. The monsters were children, the Slayerettes had reverted, and the costumes became normal again. Buffy tapped the vampire on the back.
"If I turn around, I'm going to consume a horrible amount of physical damage, aren't I?", the Spike asked the Slayerettes. Buffy's sidekicks nodded vigorously. Druscilla and the Spike attempted to run, but the Slayer grabbed Spike's coat tail and the hem of Druscilla's skirt.
Buffy hurled the two vampires around in a wide circle, building up momentum. When she let go, the two flew through a window, up over the town, and the Spike crashed through a window and landed on his bed. Druscilla landed on top of him. The Spike weakly rolled the other vampire off him.
"Come Druscilla, we must plan for tomorrow night.", the Spike told her. "Gee Spike, what are we going to do tomorrow night?", Druscilla asked. "The same thing we do every night. Try to kill the Slayer!"
They're Druscilla, Druscilla and the Spike, Spike, Spike, Spike, Spike! Narf!
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