ACT II
INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BASEMENT
Andrew stands in front of the Slayers. Behind him
is a white erase board with crude drawings of
various demon-like monsters.
ANDREW
Now can anyone tell me the proper method
of killing a Mohra demon?
Nobody raises their hand
ANDREW
Susan?
SUSAN
Hack it to tiny bits.
ANDREW
Um. No. Olivia?
All the slayers glare at her.
LIV
You break the crystal on its forehead.
It's the source of their regenerative
powers.
ANDREW
Excellent!
Liv beams.
ANDREW
Gold star for you!
Andrew takes a gold star sticker and places it on
Liv's notebook. The rest of the slayers roll their
eyes.
ANDREW
Now can anyone tell me how defeat a
Gnarl demon. Susan? Would you like to
try again?
SUSAN
Hack it to bits.
ANDREW
Good idea, but no. Anyone else?
All the girls give Liv an Evil look.
LIV
Three Stooges Eye poke. Thumbs are also
acceptable.
Susan rolls her eyes.
SUSAN
(under her breath)
Rain man scores again.
Liv shoots her glare.
ANDREW
And another gold star-
KENNEDY
(OS)Andrew!
Andrew jumps at the sound of Kennedy's voice.
Kennedy stands at the foot of the stairs with her
arms crossed.
KENNEDY
What did I tell you about that gold star
crap?
ANDREW
I was trying to encourage the minds of
the next generation of-
KENNEDY
Whatever. Line up maggots. Time to see
how good you are with the kill.
ANDREW
But I'm not fin-
KENNEDY
Andrew. Seriously. Go annoy someone
else.
INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN
Maya is busy working on the laptop. Andrew is
being his normal whiny self.
ANDREW
Ma-YA...
MAYA
No.
Andrew touches the laptop.
ANDREW
But I need to-
Maya smacks Andrew's hand away.
MAYA
No! No! No!
ANDREW
But-
MAYA
No!
ANDREW
I want to help.
MAYA
No, you just want to check to see if
anyone read your recent posts on Star
Wars the TV series.
Andrew pouts.
MAYA
You better retract that lip before I rip
it off.
Andrew sucks in his bottom lip, but continues to
sulk.
ANDREW
Fine. What are you looking for anyway?
MAYA
Dead bodies.
ANDREW
Wouldn't you normally find that in a
cemetery or morgue?
MAYA
Not if you're hijacking them for zombie
horde purposes. You would think people
would notice approximately 80 dead
bodies going missing, but there's no
police reports or even a complaint about
it listed anywhere in town.
ANDREW
What about bodies that were supposed to
be cremated? And if it's coming from a
chain of funeral homes, they can be
shipped in from outside the city and no
one would notice.
Maya gives Andrew a look of surprise.
MAYA
Xander was wrong about you.
Andrew smiles.
MAYA
You're not completely useless.
ANDREW
Hey!
Maya turns back to the computer.
ANDREW
You really shouldn't make fun of me. I
used to be an evil genius.
MAYA
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Xander and Giles sit, deep in conversation.
XANDER
...and then after he told me it was my
choice for who went into the two graves,
I came out of it.
Giles sighs, removes his glasses and polishes
them.
XANDER
Oh crap. This can't be good.
GILES
What?
XANDER
You're in polishing specs mode. Never
bodes well.
GILES
Xander... the vision you've had well...
it points to something that I've had
some concerns about for some time.
XANDER
Concern as in "You should have a doctor
look at that" or as in "Oh look another
apocalypse on the horizon".
GILES
Yes... well, uh the second
unfortunately.
XANDER
Wonderful.
GILES
In the dream you mention a machine that
you had broken several times and once
with Willow.
XANDER
Yeah and the next thing I know she's
covered in blood.
GILES
And then Buffy told you it was all her
fault.
XANDER
Right.
GILES
Well... I think the problem is that
you've... how should I put it... changed
the course of human events one time too
many.
XANDER
Wha-huh?
GILES
It's something I hadn't thought of for a
while, but... when you saved Buffy when
she fought the master... she was
originally supposed to die.
XANDER
I thought we had just... got through on
a prophecy loophole.
GILES
Yes... but don't you see that one event
has since created an increasingly more
serious chain of... well disasters. Both
personal and dimensional. And when you
and Willow participated in the spell
that brought back Buffy...
XANDER
The mojo we worked resulted in us being
punished?
GILES
Yes. Something that has affected even me
I'm afraid.
Maya comes to the door of the living room.
XANDER
So what? Are you saying what happened to
Tara and Anya are just some kind of
cosmic retribution? That I can expect
more hellfire and assorted crappy events
to take place in my life.
Maya frowns.
GILES
I... I... don't know. It's just a theory
really. Perhaps it would be wise when
dealing with your prophetic visions
that-
XANDER
No.
GILES
Xander, I...
XANDER
I know what you are going to say Giles,
but if you think I'm going to let
anything happen to Liv then you can go
take a ride on the tweed express.
Maya reacts in shock to what Xander just said.
GILES
Right. Well... it is only a theory.
Maya turns away, but runs into a table. Xander and
Giles turn toward her.
XANDER
Maya?
MAYA
Uh... hi. If this is a bad time, I'll-
GILES
No. Quite all right. What is it?
MAYA
Well you remember how when we were
fighting the living dead last week and
you made a comment about how many there
were?
XANDER
Yeah.
MAYA
I did some digging and I found one of
those funky coincidences that probably
isn't.
GILES
Ah yes. The hellmouth influence.
MAYA
"Get used to the funk."
Xander smiles. Giles gives them both a curious
look.
GILES
I'm sorry?
Maya holds out a stack of papers to Giles.
MAYA
Anyway, I started looking around at
local Morgues and funeral homes. Nothing
really weird until I did a background
check on the owner of the largest chains
of funeral homes in New England. An Eric
Gittleson.
XANDER
Why does that name sound familiar?
Giles looks up from the stack of papers.
GILES
Dear lord. Is that who I think it is?
Maya pulls out a Sunndale year book and holds out
the open page which Giles examines.
MAYA
I found your old yearbook in ab ox
upstairs. Sunnydale. Class of '99.
XANDER
He graduated with me?
GILES
Perhaps you remember his friend Darryl?
XANDER
Ah. Funeral home director, huh? I see he
didn't stray much from the dead body
trade since high school.
GILES
According to this... he does a stiff
amount of business. uh... no pun
intended.
XANDER
Enough to provide for an army of
zombies. Nice catch Maya.
Maya smiles but eyes Xander warily.
GILES
What do you propose we do?
XANDER
Simple. We cut off the big bad's supply
of undead ammunition at the source.
GILES
Well... the girls are supposed to patrol
tonight.
XANDER
Eric's small time. I think you, me and
Kennedy should be able to handle it.
Giles gets up.
GILES
Quite. I'll see go see if I have
anything intimidating in my tweed
collection.
XANDER
Whoa! Giles made a tweed joke!
Giles smiles and goes upstairs.
XANDER
(to Maya)
Did you hear that? Giles told a tweed
joke!
Maya gives Xander a look.
XANDER
What?
MAYA
What's this thing about a prophecy and
Liv?
Xander sighs.
XANDER
It's not a prophecy. It's a warning.
MAYA
But Old man tweed just said-
XANDER
Giles is the doom and gloom man. It's
his job. My job? It's to make sure that
Liv is prepared for anything that comes
her way.
INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BASEMENT
It's testing time... The visiting slayers, Kennedy
and Andrew stand and watch as Liv throws a stake
at a target and misses horribly. The visiting
slayers all laugh. Kennedy shoots them a glare and
approaches Liv.
KENNEDY
I think you might be a little wound up.
SUSAN
That's putting it mildly.
Kennedy shoots another glare at Susan.
KENNEDY
Try to relax and give it another shot.
Liv throws the stake at the target. It goes wild
and bounces around the room almost hitting Andrew.
ANDREW
Hey!
The other slayers laugh. Liv scowls.
ARIN
Nice toss. I can't believe you survived
being on the hellmouth this long.
SUSAN
Don't blame her girls. What you're
looking at here is just the sloppy
training of a blind old fart.
Liv throws her remaining stakes on the floor and
moves in on Susan with a look that would kill.
Unfortunately someone beats her to the punch.
Kennedy steps in grabs Susan by the shirt and
slams the slayer against the wall. Andrew runs out
of the room scared senseless.
SUSAN
What's your damage Heather?
Kennedy looks like she's about to rip Susan's
heart out.
KENNEDY
If you girls want to have a little
catfight over who's the better slayer, I
got no problem with that. In fact I'll
probably grab a bag of popcorn and
watch. But if you want to talk trash
about Harris, you better watch your back
because I'll be the one taking you down.
Susan sneers at Kennedy.
SUSAN
Please. He's just-
Kennedy pinches Susan's cheeks together so she
can't talk.
KENNEDY
Let me tell you something, that "blind
old fart" has been fighting the good
fight since he was fifteen years old.
He's saved Buffy Summers and my
girlfriend more times than you've got
fingers and toes and has helped save the
world at least twice as much.
Kennedy lets go of Susan and gives her a cold
look.
KENNEDY
Oh and let's not forget that when my
chips were about to be cashed in, he
stepped into harm's way and saved my
sorry butt. You know what he got for his
reward? A crazy-ass preacher ripped out
his left eye.
Kennedy steps back and gives her group of girls a
hard look.
KENNEDY
If I were you? I'd become the best friend
Xander ever had, because there's no one
else who's better at guarding your back.
Liv smirks at Susan. Susan looks at her with
disgust. Liv sticks out her tongue just in time
for Kennedy to turn around on her.
KENNEDY
As for you kid, I hope and pray when it
comes time for the big battle you don't
fall apart like that, because right
now... I don't think you have any idea
what it means to be a real slayer.
Liv glares at Kennedy.
LIV
How would you know?
Kennedy gives her a grim smile.
KENNEDY
I was taught by the best.
XANDER
(OS)It never fails.
The girls turn and see Xander standing by the foot
of the stairs.
XANDER
You get more than one slayer in the room
and someone turns it into one big
speechfest-o-rama.
KENNEDY
What? Was I channeling "General
Buffster" again? Damn it.
Xander smiles and shakes his head.
XANDER
It's getting dark out. Susan and Liv,
since you like each other so well why
don't you take the East side of town and
Arin and Louise can take the West.
Susan and Liv glare at each other as they suit up
and head upstairs.
KENNEDY
What assignment do you have for me Mr.
Watcher-sir?
XANDER
Going to be checking up on an old
"friend" from Sunnydale. Interested in
tagging along?
KENNEDY
Count me in.
Kennedy heads over to her equipment and starts
getting ready to head out.
KENNEDY
So exactly how long were you standing
down here?
Xander smiles.
XANDER
In time to hear a really nice speech.
Kennedy turns and smiles at Xander.
KENNEDY
Sound familiar?
XANDER
Yeah. I had no idea I was so cool.
KENNEDY
Yeah... well "you always were a little
slow".
They head up the stairs together.
XANDER
So you think Liv doesn't know what it
means to be a slayer?
Kennedy gives Xander a grim smile.
KENNEDY
If she's lucky... she'll never have to
find out.
END ACT II
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