INT. HALLS OF SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - NEXT MORNING
The halls are filled with students who are becoming increasingly rowdy and disorderly as the semester winds to a close and summer vacation nears. PRINCIPLE SYNDER in all of his authoritarian glory is trying to keep the students in line.
Xander and Cordelia meet up with Willow and OZ and head down the hall toward the library.
OZ: I don’t know about the rest of you but this morning it hit me how weird this whole situation was.
XANDER: You mean everything before this didn’t strike you as weird?
OZ: No, no that’s not what I mean, but it’s like, I was gunning out the door to get to class this morning and mom wanted to know if I’d be back for dinner and I told her that I’d be a little late because I was marked for death by vampire ninjas and she just laughed. I mean normally I’d laugh too, cause how many people do you know marked for death by vampire ninjas and then it hit me, I know four plus yours truly. It just hammered home the weirdness of life in Sunnydale..
WILLOW: (holding Oz’s hand) Don’t worry after awhile you get used to the whole marked for death thing,
CORDELIA: You’re kidding right?
XANDER: Oh yeah sure, the first few times are terrifying but after the seventh or eighth time you begin to take it for granted like the hole in the ozone layer.
Principle Synder walks up to the four.
SYNDER: If it isn’t my favorite gang of teenage terrorists. I hope now that Ms. Summers has taken leave of this school that the four of you will revert back to nicely submissive and apathetic wastes of potential that won’t amount to anything in life.
XANDER: I’m honored sir, you actually thought I had potential for a moment or two.
SYNDER: I was referring to the other three Harris. The only good you’re going to do society is as an organ donor. I just want you all to know that just because Ms. Summers is gone and the semester’s almost over, doesn’t mean I’m not watching you. We get our metal detectors installed tomorrow and if I find so much as a shaving blade among the four of you, I’ll see to it your Summer is spent in a maximum security penal colony.
Synder walks off. The four continue walking.
CORDELIA: Was it me, or could that not sound like a more hollow threat?
WILLOW: It’s you, see the whole marked for death thing negates the whole Principle Synder thing on a sliding scale of impending doom.
XANDER: Speaking of which, those of us in the non-witchcraft section of the plan would like to know what the plan is?
WILLOW: It’s simple. Giles read in a book a while back that in the 15th Century a Witch wiped out an entire army of vampires in two minutes with a spell called Midnight Sun.
XANDER: She sent them all to Alaska?
WILLOW: No, she was able to lure all the vampires into a castle and when inside cast a spell that for two minutes created an explosion of artificial sunlight. The vampires not of sun loving kind all went poof!
CORDELIA: Please say we have this spell.
WILLOW: Yeah, we do, but only witches can cast it.
The four stop in front of the library doors. Suddenly there is a loud explosion and a column of white smoke comes out of the doors. A coughing and smoke covered AMY and Giles emerge from the library.
AMY: Hi guys.
CORDELIA: Oh no, not her! Anybody but her!
WILLOW: She’s the only witch we know who doesn’t have wicked in the title.
AMY: Don’t worry, I think I’ve almost got it. Giles says I’m showing tremendous progress, right Giles?
GILES: Yes well, progress is such a relative word Amy.. Improvement is perhaps a better word, slow improvement to be more precise. (Opening the door) The smoke appears to have cleared, against my better judgment, shall we try again.
Amy waves goodbye and the two go back into the library.
CORDELIA: That’s our secret weapon, Miss I couldn’t hit the side of a skyscraper with a spell if my life depended on it?
WILLOW: She’s not that bad. Remember she did turn Buffy into a rat. She can do it, all we have to do is get the ninjas inside and flash them to death.
OZ: (nervous) Not that we doubt the plan Willow, I mean, I know I speak for the rest of us when I say we have total faith in you and Giles, but because we’re talking about ninjas here, you do have a backup plan right, cause no good plan doesn’t have a back up.
WILLOW: Oh sure, we’re going to use Ms. Calendar’s spell books to set up a mystical barrier in case Amy can’t go Midnight Sunning, which will give us enough time to run like crazy.
XANDER: Will, I’m going to be honest, but you and Amy don’t exactly have a high batting average when it comes to spell casting. Amy was taken over by her mom and totally goofed on the whole Valentines thing. You’re O for 2 in the Ms. Calendar department with that whole exorcism and restore Angel’s soul thing. Other than Amy changing Buffy into a rat you guys are batting 1 for 5 which is way lower than 50%. 50% ain’t good oddage.
WILLOW: We can do it. I have the faith.
There is another explosion and suddenly the light outside dims as an unnatural eclipse has occurred. The hallways become darker without sunlight. Amy can be overheard, shouting “Oops!”
CORDELIA: Darkness at noon, hey she’s progressing.
XANDER: You mean improving.
WILLOW: (adamantly) It’ll work. It has to work. (kisses Oz on the cheek) I’ll see you guys this afternoon.
Willow enters the library as the eclipse spell wears off.
Xander, Cordelia, and Oz start walking away from the library.
CORDELIA: Okay, I’m going to say it if no one else will, this plan bites.
XANDER: And so eloquently put at that.
CORDELIA: There’s gotta be something we can do, some weapon we can find that’s a little more reliable than Airhead Amy.
OZ: I don’t know, from what I can tell it’s pretty hard to kill a vampire, let alone a ninja vampire.
CORDELIA: I don’t understand why we can’t just shoot the creeps.
XANDER: You can’t use bullets on vampires, it’s a total violation of code.
CORDELIA: Why not? A rocket launcher took out that Judge guy. There’s gotta be a gun out there that can ventilate vampires.
XANDER: Look, vamps need stakes to the heart, anything else-- (Xander stops midthought) Oh man, nobody panic but I think I have an idea.
CORDELIA: Two in less than six months, now that’s progress.
XANDER: I’ll ignore that one.. What’s so great about a stake, it’s just really sharp wood plunged into a vamp’s heart. I mean in theory it could be anything sharp and fast that goes through the heart that can kill a vampire. I remember seeing Buffy once slay a vamp with a really sharp high heel shoe.
CORDELIA: You mean the Botchichi Black Stiletto Heel?
XANDER: (getting angry) I don’t know what it was! For all I know it was a Brunal Mali! The point is, it’s not so much the weapon but the fast slamming into the chest part that kills the vamp. I mean in theory a bullet fired directly into the heart might be just as effective.
OZ: They make bullets that can do that?
XANDER: I’m talking serious hollow point sniper’s bullets that upon impact start spinning and tearing flesh. If fired directly at the heart they might have the same effect as a stake. Now if I can get a hold of a rifle and maybe a sniper’s sight with some high caliber hollow points, I may still have enough military training left to go Lee Harvey Oswald on these ninjas.
CORDELIA: That’s it! That’s Xander the Great’s plan! Nobody’s going to sell a high school student a high powered rifle! Even if someone was that stupid, ever hear of the Brady Bill, six day waiting periods! We’ll all be sushi by then!
Xander and Cordelia start to argue.
OZ:(nervously cutting in) Ah, I know a place that might sell us some guns..
EXT. WHITECASTLE PAWN - 3:30 P.M.
Oz, Xander, and Cordelia come up to Whitcastle Pawn.
CORDELIA: A pawn shop, gross.
OZ: I know it looks cheesy, but they sell some pretty cool stuff here. I found this place a couple months ago when I was looking for some hard to find parts for my band’s amp..
XANDER: The point Oz, I think we missed it two off ramps ago.
OZ: Well, aside from all the antique guitar parts the pawnbroker Mr. Richer also had a wicked display of firepower for sale and something tells me he didn’t much care for any Brady Laws or six day waiting periods.
The three enter the pawnshop. A bell on the door rings as Xander opens it.
INT. PAWNSHOP
Although the shop looks quite rundown on the outside the inside is another story. The pawnshop appears to be in pristine shape and order. The freshly painted walls of the shop are lined with a dazzling amount of high quality merchandise. The trio make their way through the surprisingly large store in awe of all the cool stuff.
Cordelia stops in front of a glass case which has an elegant evening gown in it. Cordelia reads the card behind the glass.
CORDELIA: No way, this is one of Princess Diana’s last evening gowns. This thing must be worth a fortune.
XANDER: (looking at another display case with toy robots in them) Oh yeah take a look this.
Cordelia comes over and is obviously not impressed.
CORDELIA: Big deal, they’re just toys.
XANDER: These aren’t just toys, this is a complete set of Changtron Battlebots. They stopped making these things in 1987 when it was learned they were highly flammable. A whole set in mint condition is worth five times that dress of Diana’s.
OZ: (looking at another case) Hey check it out, Guitars autographed by Kurt Kobane and Jimmy Hendrix.
XANDER: This can’t be a pawnshop.
OZ: Must be the new owner.
Suddenly Lee appears behind Xander and Oz. He startles Cordelia who startles the other two. All three face the hulking Lee.
LEE: (curtly) Can I help you?
XANDER: Ah, yeah, we’re looking for a rifle, for a hunting trip..
LEE: Weapons are at the back with the register.
Lee disappears among the displays.
XANDER: Well there goes my nomination for Miss Congeniality.
The trio walk to the back of the pawnshop and toward the register. Sitting behind a large and high brown desk with his feet up and reading the paper is Dealer. Behind and around Dealer encased in glass are a wide variety of rifles, handguns, shotguns, knives, swords, crossbows, ammunition, and other deadly accessories. Dealer, without making a move, looks past his paper and sees the trio approaching his register. He then glances down at a piece of paper in his lap. The paper has a print out of a picture featuring the ids of Buffy and all her friends. Dealer smiles to himself and puts down the paper.
DEALER: (to the approaching trio) Howdy folks. Nathan Dealer’s my name and dealing’s my game. What can I do you folks for this fine afternoon?
XANDER: This some place you got here. I’ve never seen a pawn shop with so much cool stuff.
DEALER: Everything is for sale son, at the right price. You’d be surprised what people would be willing to part with if the price is right. I just came back from Russia a few weeks ago, now that’s a country. Everything is for sale there now, I picked up some kick ass Cold War espionage stuff that what’s left of the KGB was trying to pawn off to buy bread with.
OZ: So you know Mr. Richer then?
DEALER: (looking down at the floor) Yeah, he retired to some place warmer south of here..(looking back to Oz) Mexico I believe..
XANDER: Well, we were in the neighborhood and thought we’d drop by. We were thinking about going on a hunting trip this weekend and were in the market for a good rifle.
DEALER: Is that so..
As Xander and Oz begin haggling with Cordelia gets bored and begins looking through the pawnshop. She makes her way toward the display window were something shiny gets her attention.
Cordelia goes up to the display window and sees glinting in the sun light the brilliant looking and razor sharp sword of Oyama. She bends down to stare at the sword which she can swear is singing to her. Curious Cordelia stretches out to touch the sword. As her finger comes in contact with the sword a brief white glow passes from the sword and into her arm. She pulls away from the sword and looks up. A grim looking Lee is standing over her.
CORDELIA: (at a loss for words) I was just admiring the sword.
LEE: Admiration is just a word the weak have created to make coveting what the strong posses sound more pleasing.
CORDELIA: (picking up the sword) Well I’m not weak and I do more than covet, I charge..
Meanwhile Dealer has finally assembled a devastating looking sniper’s rifle. He attaches the laser sight and turns it on. The red laser bounces off a nervous Xander’s head. Xander steps out of the laser’s path.
XANDER: Now that’s exactly what I’m talking about. We’ll take it.
DEALER: Okay, that’ll be 1000 dollars American.
Xander and Oz collectively gulp.
XANDER: I don’t even have that much saved up for college..
OZ: Can we take out some sort of payment plan?
DEALER: (sighing) Normally son, I would, but not on the guns. People tend to buy them and be on top of a clock tower that afternoon. They can’t complete their payments from jail or the morgue, besides I don’t think Sunnydale’s finest would take kindly to guy like me selling a bunch of high schoolers high powered weaponry.
XANDER: We’re that obvious huh?
DEALER (putting away the rifle): Like an orange kangaroo in Prague. However, I like you boys, you look like you’ve got good reason to be in the self defense business, so I’ll make ya deal. You find something a little less apocalyptic and maybe I’ll look the other way.
Cordelia emerges from behind a display case holding the sword of Oyama.
CORDELIA: What about this sword?
Xander and Oz turn around.
OZ: Wow, that is the largest butter knife I’ve ever seen.
XANDER: No way Cordy, what the hell do we know about swords?
Cordelia hands the sword to Dealer who looks it over and smiles.
DEALER: Boy young lady you sure know how to pick out a dandy of a cutter. I picked this baby up in Tibet a long time ago, from a Chinese Drug Dealer who was giving up all his worldly possessions to become a monk in the Himalayas. Called it the sword of Oyama.
XANDER: That’s nice but--
CORDELIA: (cutting Xander off) How much?
XANDER: Way more than daddy is going to let you saddle his credit card with.
DEALER: (thinking it over) Well I don’t know. The sword is supposed to be magical or something. The sword that killed 10,000 vampires I believe is what the dealer turned monk told me.. Have you ever heard of something so preposterous in your life, vampires, oh please..
ALL THREE: Oh, yeah, no such thing as vampires..
DEALER: I don’t like fancying all that pagan mumbo jumbo stuff, it gives me the creeps, so tell ya what, how’s this for a deal. Thirty-five ninety five American and no questions asked to what it’s for.
XANDER: (to Dealer) Give us a second.
The three huddle. Dealer watches as the three quietly argue with Cordelia and Xander the loudest. Finally the huddle breaks up.
XANDER: (angry) Fine it’s your money!
CORDELIA: My thoughts exactly! (pulling out a credit card) We’ll take it.
Dealer takes the credit card and smiles.
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