TEASER
EXT. CAPE KENNETH - MOCKINGBIRD LANE
Xander and Lucy walk down the street with their
arms around each other.
LUCY
I don't see what the big deal is.
XANDER
Oompa-Loompas are short, orange, have
green hair and sing amusing anecdotes.
That... that was just wrong.
LUCY
I should have never told you what they
looked like.
XANDER
Just because I'm blind doesn't mean I
can't have oompa loompa standards.
LUCY
Right. Got it. Orange with green hair.
I'll write the MPAA and make sure that
Tim Burton gets fined for the violation.
XANDER
While you're at it, can you find out the
status of my complaint about Planet of
the Apes?
LUCY
You are a very strange man.
XANDER
What gave it away?
LUCY
Whenever you mouth opens, strangeness
just comes out.
They stop in front of Lucy's house and walk to the
door.
LUCY
Not that I mind strangeness. In fact
strangeness would be quite welcome to
come inside for some "quality" time.
XANDER
What about Liv?
Lucy unlocks the door and then leans her back
against it. She smiles seductively.
LUCY
After patrolling she'll be sleeping over
at Maya's.
XANDER
Really?
LUCY
So... you interested in coming inside
Mr. Harris?
XANDER
Let me think about that for a second.
They grab each other and kiss against the front
door. Lucy fumbles with the doorknob and they
stumble into...
INT. THE BRONZE
Xander stumbles into the Bronze. Lucy is nowhere
to be seen. Instead of his standard sunglasses,
Xander has his old eyes back. Soft music plays.
Xander sighs.
XANDER
Welcome once again to the weirdness that
never ends.
Spike walks across the room. Well "walk" is being
generous. Strings are tied to every appendage as
though he was a marionette. He walks like a
puppet.
XANDER
Hey Spike. Nice strings. Think you can
tell me how to get back to reality? 'Cuz
I got a hot date tonight and...
Spike "walks" right by Xander without
acknowledging his presence.
XANDER
Hmm. Spike's ignoring me. Things are
looking up. Why can't that happen in
reality?
Audrey appears beside Xander.
AUDREY
Okay... Are you just dense or playing
dumb? Can't you see what that is?
XANDER
I usually avoid anything that has to do
with him.
Cordelia appears on the other side of Xander
wearing the exact same outfit as Audrey.
CORDELIA
(to Audrey)
He's not deficient. He's just in denial.
AUDREY
Great, so while the big bad plays ten
little Indians I'm up a river in Egypt
without a paddle.
XANDER
You two know each other?
AUDREY
What? Just because we're both
cheerleaders and obnoxious you think we
know each other? My path is totally
different from hers.
CORDELIA
I take it back. He is deficient.
Audrey and Cordelia turn on their heels and walk
off in different directions.
VOICE(OS)
Sit. I said sit!
Xander turns to see Maya and Jordy standing by the
pool tables. Maya has a dog biscuit in her hand
and is waving it at Jordy.
MAYA
Jordy.... sit!
Jordy rolls his eyes.
JORDY
Yeah. That's not going to work.
XANDER
What are you guys doing?
MAYA
I'm helping Jordy tame his inner poodle.
Sit!
Jordy does nothing, he gives Xander a sly smile.
JORDY
I'm being difficult.
Maya pouts.
MAYA
Bad Jordy! No Biscuit!
JORDY
Have you ever tasted a dog biscuit? It
tastes like ass. I'm not sitting for
something that tastes like ass.
MAYA
Sure. You'll drink something that tastes
like feet, but won't eat something that
tastes like ass. Why can't you be more
like Liv?
Xander looks over to see Liv waltzing around the
dance floor. By herself. Wearing flannel pajamas
and combat boots.
XANDER
What's Liv doing?
JORDY
Learning to deal.
XANDER
I don't get it.
MAYA
You don't need to.
VOICE(OS)
That part doesn't go there.
Xander turns to see WESLEY and GILES dressed in
mechanic's uniforms. They stand in front of a
large and incomprehensible machine. Cogs, tools,
springs and pipes are spread around them. Wesley
is holding up a large cog with a confused look on
his face.
WESLEY
Then where is it supposed to go?
GILES
Next to the XHT-3811.
Wesley nods and puts the cog in its proper place
on the machine.
XANDER
What are you guys working on?
Wesley and Giles turn and give Xander a cold look.
WESLEY
We're just trying to get things back on
track.
XANDER
Can I help?
Wesley and Giles' looks turn from cold to angry.
GILES
(annoyed)
Haven't you done enough damage already?
WESLEY
We'll be lucky if this ever works again.
XANDER
Damage?
Willow walks up beside Xander drinking a soda.
WILLOW
They're talking about what we did.
XANDER
Did what?
WILLOW
Well... I only did it once with you. You
on the other hand must have done it
three or four times at least.
WESLEY
Oh... much more than that. You're just
the continuous fly in the ointment,
aren't you Harris? In fact if it wasn't
for you this whole thing would be
working perfectly.
GILES
Ah! Here's the problem.
Giles reaches into the machine and pulls out a
wrench. He hands it to Xander.
GILES
I believe this belongs to you?
WESLEY
I'm afraid you'll all have to be
punished for this.
XANDER
For what exactly?
WILLOW(OS)
Isn't it obvious?
Xander turns and looks to see Willow, her face and
white shirt are covered in a spray of blood.
WILLOW
Haven't we been punished enough?
GILES
Not until everything is in its proper
place.
Willow sighs.
WILLOW
That will take forever.
GILES
Well, we're not leaving until we get it
right.
VOICE(OS)
It's all my fault.
Xander turns to see Buffy and Dawn sitting at the
bar. Buffy is pouting. Dawn is rolling her eyes.
BUFFY
If it wasn't for me none of this would
have happened.
DAWN
Tell me about it..
XANDER
Buffy! Dawnster! At last people who
won't be cryptic.
DAWN
(to Buffy)
Told you he'd recognize me.
BUFFY
That won't last forever. Soon we'll all
be against him.
XANDER
And it looks like I'd be wrong.
DAWN
You'll always remember me, won't you
Xander?
XANDER
Why wouldn't I?
BUFFY
You know how it is. Things change. Just
like-
Buffy snaps her fingers
EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH
BUFFY(VO)
-that.
Xander stands in the grassy fields of a savannah.
XANDER
How far down does this rabbit hole go?
IGQHIRA
(OS)You haven't even begun to dig.
Xander turns to see three graves that have been
dug in the ground. The Igqhira stands in the
third grave with a shovel, digging away. Xander
frowns.
XANDER
Who are you digging those for Iggy?
IGQHIRA
They all belong to you. Who goes where
is your choice.
XANDER
Three people? Three people will die?
IGQHIRA
Only two. The third is the Kosoko's. You
already dug her grave.
XANDER
Why is it dug up then?
IGQHIRA
She's come back to restore the balance.
To even the score.
XANDER
How do I stop her?
Igqhira shakes his head.
IGQHIRA
Haven't you learned your lesson yet?
These holes will be filled. It's only a
matter of time.
XANDER
You've got to give me something better
to go on.
Igqhira sighs.
IGQHIRA
I've already given you what I can. The
rest is up to you.
VOICE(VO)
Xander?
INT. FONTAINE HOUSE
Xander is lying down on the couch... blind again.
Lucy hovers over him. She holds an ice pack to his
head.
LUCY
Xander?
Xander shudders.
XANDER
Hey.
LUCY
You fell and knocked your head and then-
XANDER
I'm okay.
LUCY
You sure?
XANDER
Yeah.
LUCY
Is there something you want to tell me?
Xander gives her a wary look.
XANDER
What do you mean?
LUCY
Because you were talking the whole time.
Xander gives her a look of horror.
LUCY
Whose graves were being dug? And why
didn't you tell me this before?
END TEASER
ACT I
INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN
Xander and Lucy sit across from each other. The
expression of Lucy's face ranges from shocked to
bewildered.
XANDER
...-and that's when I woke up.
Lucy sits there stunned.
LUCY
David Lynch is going to be pissed when
he learns that you have better dreams
than he does.
XANDER
He can have them for all I care.
Lucy hesitates.
LUCY
You never answered my question.
XANDER
I don't know who they are for. I just
know I can't let them be filled.
Lucy looks down and plays with her coffee cup.
LUCY
Is one of them supposed to be for Liv?
Xander reaches across the table and takes her
hand.
XANDER
I'm not going to let that happen.
LUCY
Promise?
XANDER
I swear on everything that is holy.
Lucy gives him a small smile.
XANDER
I won't let that happen.
LUCY
What about the third grave? The one that
belonged to the kokomo?
XANDER
Kosoko.
LUCY
Yeah. What's that supposed to be?
XANDER
The kosoko is a digging tool.
Xander hesitates.
XANDER
It's used to dig graves.
INT. BUFALARI'S HALLWAY
The bell rings. The hallway fills with kids on
their way to the next class. Liv and Tucker exit
the same room laughing.
TUCKER
Well, at least nothing exploded this
time.
LIV
No, we just melted Pyrex.
TUCKER
What can I say? When we're together we
are just one hot couple.
Tucker and Liv react with awkward attraction.
TUCKER
That... sounded different in my head.
LIV
Couple?
TUCKER
(coughs)
Well a couple of people being lab
partners.
LIV
(disappointed)
Oh. Right. Partners.
TUCKER
Unless...
LIV
(hopeful)
Unless?
TUCKER
You... um... doing anything Friday?
Liv smiles.
LIV
Maybe. I have a flexible work schedule.
TUCKER
Well, I know girls don't like to be
asked at the last minute.
LIV
Well most girls aren't as flexible as
me.
Tucker looks at Liv with a raised eyebrow. Liv
blushes
LIV
(stammers)
That is... I'm flexible.. about... time
management.
TUCKER
Maybe I should just give this part of
the conversation the band-aid treatment.
They stop in the hallway and face each other. Liv
is holding her breath in excitement.
LIV
Okay.
TUCKER
You want to go to the dance with me
Friday?
LIV
Dance?
TUCKER
Yeah. You know. Homecoming.
Liv looks up behind Tucker to see the Memorial
Wall. Still there is the glossy 8x10 of Brad
Valentine's smiling face.
TUCKER
Liv?
Liv looks at Tucker crestfallen.
INT. BUFALARI'S Gymnasium.
Maya and Liv sit and watch the cheerleader
practice. Maya is dressed in her workout outfit
and is apparently taking a break.
MAYA
He asked you out?! When?!
LIV
(crestfallen)
Yesterday.
Maya hits Liv on the shoulder.
MAYA
Why didn't you tell me?! Okay... Short
notice but we have two days to rally. We
gotta get you a dress, shoes, get your
hair done-
LIV
I'm not going.
MAYA
What?
LIV
I told him I couldn't go.
Maya looks at her friend as though she just grew a
second head.
MAYA
You said "no"?
LIV
I know but-
MAYA
Do you understand how this dating thing
works? When a guy you like asks you out
you say "Yes".
LIV
It's homecoming Maya. Remember? Demon
horde? My date with demonic heritage and
was turned into a supernaturally gifted
vampire?
Maya shrugs.
MAYA
All right. So you had a bad time.
Liv gives Maya a glare.
LIV
I think the name "Maya" no longer suits
you. I'm just going to call you
"Understatement" from now on.
MAYA
Look Worm. All I'm saying is you don't
always get a second chance at the brass
ring.
LIV
I know. I just... I don't want to see
him get hurt... or worse. I don't think
I can live through that again.
SPIKE(OS)
Half-pint's right.
Liv and Maya turn and look to see Spike standing
in the shadows.
SPIKE
When you mix love together with the
hellmouth, you might as well go directly
to doom. Do not pass go, do not collect
two hundred quid. You should know that
of all people Pet.
MAYA
My relationship with Jordy is not
doomed.
SPIKE
Think so? The pair of you going to be
together forever? Breed little
were-puppies for a living? Wise up
little girl. The world's tough on love
as it is. You add a little hellmouth,
you might as well douse yourself in petrol
and light yourself on fire.
Maya pouts comically.
MAYA
(baby talk)
Aw. Dark and dreary little outlook on
life there, Spike. You sure you're not
just upset because someone else might be
eating your "cookies"?
Spike scowls. Maya smirks. Liv giggles.
SPIKE
Big talk from a girl who almost became a
can of Alpo.
Maya's smile fades and contorts to one of anger.
She slaps Spike across the face.
MAYA
Jerk!
Maya stomps off. Liv glares at Spike and runs
after her friend. Spike smiles and rubs his face.
SPIKE
There was no part of that that wasn't
fun.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - JORDY'S ROOM
Posters from the bands Dingoes eat my Babies,
Widespread Panic, Blue Hippos, Otto's Chemical
Lounge and Love is a Punk Ass Bitch decorate the
walls. On one wall is a poster of a handsome green
gentlemen with horns that says "Lorne! Live at the
Lucky Seven Casino".
The room itself is a pit of strewn clothes, books
and other teenage paraphernalia.
Maya lies on the bed wearing an old shirt of
Jordy's.
XANDER
(OS)Hey.
Maya looks up and sees Xander standing in the
doorway.
XANDER
You're looking extra mope-a-licious.
MAYA
Yeah.
Xander sits down on the bed next to her.
XANDER
Liv said you weren't at school today.
MAYA
Yeah. Didn't feel like going.
XANDER
That his shirt?
MAYA
Yeah. Smells like him.
XANDER
Do I want to know what Jordy smells
like?
MAYA
Musty with a touch of feet.
Xander makes a face.
MAYA
You get used to it.
XANDER
I fear you.
Xander sighs.
MAYA
You miss him too?
XANDER
Well, yeah. It was kind of nice to have
someone around who wasn't a puppet or
undead.
MAYA
Just a werewolf.
XANDER
Yeah, but he doesn't shed all over the
furniture.
Maya cracks a smile.
MAYA
You think he's coming back?
XANDER
He'll come back. What scares me is why
he left.
Maya looks away.
MAYA
Tell me about it.
XANDER
Well I don't mean what happened between
the two of you..
Maya gives Xander the "look".
XANDER
No! I mean not that a werewolf hickey
isn't anything to be scared about. I
mean that... I think that they are
taking us out one by one.
MAYA
What? By a mystical sniper?
XANDER
Something like that. It's been a while
since the army of the dead has attacked
and all of a sudden-
MAYA
Pongo and Jordy are out of the picture.
XANDER
Right. A puppet truth detector and a
werewolf who could control his changing
ability.
MAYA
They're trying to weaken us.
XANDER
They are weakening us. I just don't know
how they are doing it. And I should see
it. I'm the guy who's supposed to be on
top of these things. Hell, I'm the guy
who supposed to see "everything", but
right now I can't even tell where that
strange smell is coming from.
MAYA
It's Jordy's herb stash for his potions.
It's under the bed.
Xander reaches underneath the bed and pulls out a
plastic bag full of herbs. He leans in for a
whiff.
XANDER
Whew! And I thought it smelled bad in
potion form. This has got to be the most
foul-
Xander stops and tilts his head.
MAYA
What?
XANDER
(sighs)
Oh God.
Xander yanks out his cell.
XANDER
Liv. Get over to stadium right now. I'll
meet you there.
LIV
(filtered)
Why?
XANDER
Audrey's in trouble. Whatever you do,
don't leave her alone.
Xander gets up and hurries out the door. Maya
rushes to catch up.
XANDER
Do you remember where we put that bag of
magical goodies Spike stole from the
evidence room?
MAYA
On the bottom shelf of the weapons
locker. Why? What's going on?
XANDER
I know who the sniper is.
MAYA
Who?
EXT. BUFALARI STADIUM - Homecoming Game
The cheerleaders are taking a break to watch the
football team get creamed. Spike is on security
detail watching the stands.
AUDREY
(OS)Spike...
Spike turns and looks at Audrey with annoyance.
SPIKE
What now?
AUDREY
I know that you're supposed to be
guarding me, but do you think you could
at least... guard from farther away?
Spike turn away, scanning the perimeter. His back
towards Audrey.
SPIKE
Look pet. It's bad enough I have to-
And there is nothing more coming from Spike.
AUDREY
What? Don't tell me there's another
horde of demons on the way to kill me
again.
Spike slowly turns around to face Audrey. His eyes
have turned totally white. Audrey takes one look
at Spike and runs for it.
AUDREY
Or maybe it's just the one demon here
who's trying to kill me!
END ACT I
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