TEASER
EXT. CEMETERY
Liv, Maya and Jordy patrol the graveyard.
MAYA
Nice job today at school, Liv. I thought
I told you to wait until midterms before
you shut down the school.
LIV
It wasn't even me!
JORDY
Exactly how did this wonderful event
happen?
LIV
Well Tucker was working with the
hexaclorathane and when we were talking
he accidently mixed in the napathalene
and magnesium. Then I started laughing
and knocked over the Bunsen burner
and... well... kaplooie.
JORDY
All in all... pretty boring story.
Except for the kaplooie.
MAYA
What exactly were you two crazy kids
talking about?
Liv giggles.
LIV
He was telling me a joke about the
atomic weight of sodium and a Bunsen
burner.
Liv starts laughing at the memory of the joke.
LIV
You see... the sodium fell in love with
a Bunsen burner and...
Liv loses control and starts laughing
hysterically. Jordy looks at Maya.
JORDY
I'm sure it is very funny in context.
MAYA
I'm sure.
LIV
(barely intelligible)
"Just a phase..."
Liv starts laughing uncontrollably until she
starts snorting. She stops with a look of horror.
LIV
Oh god.
Maya and Jordy giggle.
LIV
Did I just snort?
MAYA
You did.
LIV
Oh god. I'm becoming my mother.
MAYA
We'll just chalk it up to "geek love".
LIV
Hey! Stop that! No jinxing the budding
crush!
JORDY
So is "Tucker" his first or last name?
LIV
Neither. It's part of his middle name.
MAYA
Part of his what?
LIV
(dreamy)
Shamus Tuckerian Bourdillion Traherne.
Jordy and Maya blink hard at the name.
MAYA
Whoa. Now for the big test: Is he
demonic?
Liv has the biggest grin on her face.
LIV
(giddy)
No. I checked him out.
Jordy and Maya exchange a dirty look and laugh.
LIV
I mean... I had him...
Jordy and Maya laugh harder. Liv pouts.
LIV
No! stop that! He's human. He's
French-Irish.
JORDY
With a name like that he'd have to be.
In the background a girl's voice is heard
screaming.
MAYA
Oop! No more time for geek girl's love
life!
Jordy and Maya start running off toward the sound
of the scream. Liv pouts before she starts running
after them.
LIV
Hey! Quit jinxing the crush!
EXT. ELSEWHERE IN THE CEMETERY
A girl in grubby clothing runs for her life. A
pack of five vampires are chasing after her. The
girl looks back to see how close they are getting
and suddenly trips over a tree root and falls to
the ground, knocking her head on a gravestone. She
struggles to get up but is surrounded by the
vamps.
VAMPIRE
All right boys... it's snack time.
A blast of water hits the vampire's face which
promptly causes it to sizzle. The vampire screams
in pain.
ANGLE ON:
Maya with her super soaker.
MAYA
Didn't anyone tell you to wash up before
you eat?
VAMPIRE
Get he-
The vampire promptly explodes into dust revealing
Liv who has staked him from behind.
LIV
Hi. My name is Liv. I'll be your slayer
for this evening...
Three of the vampires charge Liv while the
remaining one goes after Maya.
Liv blocks off two of the vampires attacks from
the flanks and scissor kicks the third vampire and
sends him flying. She backhands the first vampire
and then spins and stakes the second.
Maya blasts away at her oncoming vampire who just
keeps taking the pain until he's standing right in
front of her and she has run out of water. Smoke
and sizzling sounds emanate from the vampire's
body.
MAYA
Gee. That sure was a lot of holy water.
VAMPIRE
Felt good. Been ages since I had a hot
shower.
MAYA
How long has it been since you've had a
werewolf?
VAMPIRE
(Confused)
A what?
Suddenly Jordy leaps out from nowhere and tackles
the vampire, snarling like crazy.
MAYA
Oh, that was just too easy.
LIV
(OS)Maya!
Maya turns toward Liv as Liv takes out another
vampire.
LIV
Check the girl!
Liv blocks an attack from the remaining vampire as
Maya runs to the wounded girl. Jordy is going to
town on the vampire... more than normal. The
vampire has been beaten into submission, but Jordy
still beats the crap out of him. Maya looks up
from the girl who is bleeding pretty badly.
MAYA
Jordy! Hurry up! I need your help.
Jordy continues to snarl and beat the living crap
of his opponent. Maya gently lays the girl down
and approaches Jordy from behind.
MAYA
Jordy! Just stake him already!
Jordy turns on Maya, growls and moves toward her.
MAYA
Jordy!
Jordy snaps his jaws and snarls. Maya eyes widen
as she back off.
MAYA
Jordy!
Jordy wakes up as though from a dream. He shakes
his head and quickly stakes the vampire.
JORDY
Sorry... Kind of lost it there.
MAYA
Hello understatement, nice to meet you.
Jordy nods to the girl lying down.
JORDY
Is she okay?
Liv stakes her final vampire and gives Jordy a
look.
LIV
What happened to you?
JORDY
I... I don't know.
MAYA
Hey guys?
Maya is looking over the girl, who's a bit woozy
and bleeding from her temple.
MAYA
She's bleeding pretty bad.
Liv pulls out a first aid kit and starts taping
some gauze to the girl's wound.
LIV
Hey. You okay?
GIRL
(woozy)
'S fine.
MAYA
Yeah, well the blood running out of that
head of yours says differently.
LIV
She's going to need stitches.
GIRL
No. No hospitals.
MAYA
Yeah, I don't think there's any room for
argument on this one.
GIRL
I can't. They'll send me back.
LIV
It's okay. My mom works there. We won't
send you anywhere you don't want to go.
What's your name?
GIRL
Kelly...
LIV
Come on Kelly. Let's go.
Liv and Maya help the Kelly to her feet. Liv half
supports and half carries Kelly as they walk.
MAYA
Hey Jordy, do you think that...
Maya stops as she gets a look at Jordy. He keeps
staring at the girl they just rescued with a scary
intensity.
MAYA
What's wrong?
JORDY
That girl.... I'm just getting a really
weird sense about her.
MAYA
What? Something evil?
JORDY
No. Something... Something very...
INT. HOSPITAL
Lucy is cleaning up Kelly's wound. The odd squad
sits behind Lucy observing.
LUCY
...familiar. Have I seen you here
before?
Kelly shakes her head, but says nothing.
LUCY
So... you got a name? Or should I just
keep calling you "sweetie" and "dear
heart".
Kelly just looks at her with an untrusting look.
LUCY
Or you can just sit there mute while I
prattle on for hours. You know it's not
the first time we've had runaways around
here. You don't get that many here in
New Hampshire, but every once in a blue
moon...
KELLY
Who says I'm a runaway?
LUCY
Well the dirty clothes and the grubby
look isn't exactly this year's fashion
plate. But I'd have to say your look of
loneliness, fear and quiet desperation
are the real telltales.
KELLY
I'm not scared.
LUCY
Oh... not even when that gang was
chasing you?
KELLY
That wasn't a gang.
The odd squad exchange glances.
LUCY
Oh. What was it?
Kelly looks away sullenly.
KELLY
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
MAYA
Was it a gang of bumpy faced people with
long teeth who have an aversion to
sunlight.
Kelly's eyes get big.
KELLY
Yeah.
JORDY
Uh. Yeah. We get a lot of them around
here.
Kelly takes a look at the group and decides to
trust them.
KELLY
I'm not a runaway.
Lucy gives Kelly "the look".
KELLY
Well... I am, but I'm actually looking
for... something.
LUCY
What?
KELLY
My parents. Well... my real parents.
LIV
You're adopted?
KELLY
Not really. Fostered. I heard my father
might be living out here so I hopped a
train in L.A. and started making my way
here to see if I could find him.
LUCY
That's quite a distance. You're from
California?
KELLY
Yeah. Sunnydale, originally. But that
was before it became...
Again with the glances exchanged.
LIV
...a big hole in the ground.
KELLY
Yeah.
Lucy is a little afraid to ask the question.
LUCY
You wouldn't happen to know exactly
who...
KELLY
Alexander Lavelle Harris. At least
that's what it says on my birth
certificate.
The group's faces drop as she pulls out a piece of paper
and waves it slightly. Kelly notices the looks and
cocks an eyebrow.
KELLY
What? You know him?
LIV
Hol...
MAYA
...ly...
JORDY
Crap.
END TEASER
Author's Note:
Okay.... I know this little plot line has been done before and by much better writers than me, but when I have I ever disappointed you guys?
Okay. Don't answer that.
Anywhoops... this is my take on this little hackneyed plot device. Just... just keep reading...
ACT I
INT. HOSPITAL
JORDY
He's going to freak.
LIV
Major wiggage.
MAYA
How do you guys know? He "sees all",
doesn't he? He's probably prophecized it
weeks ago.
JORDY
Yeah, he's good with the upcoming
disasters and what-not. The personal
stuff... not so much.
MAYA
Why's that?
LIV
He only gets what the PTB wants him to
see.
MAYA
PTB?
LIV
Powers-That-Be.
Maya rolls her eyes.
MAYA
How PC. Can start calling demons
"Hellish Americans"?
Xander enters the room and smiles.
XANDER
Hey guys. What's up?
The odd squad just looks at each other.
XANDER
Oh god. What's wrong now?
INT. HOSPITAL OBSERVATION ROOM
Xander watches Kelly through a one way mirror. She
sits on the other side playing with her hospital
gown. She has obviously bathed and is all cleaned
up. Xander slowly sits down. He's
hyperventilating.
XANDER
Oh God. Ooooooh God.
LUCY
You okay?
XANDER
Ask me after a few more "Oh God's".
LUCY
Do you want me to run a blood test to...
XANDER
No. She's mine.
LUCY
You can tell?
XANDER
It's... It's hard to describe. It's an
aural thing. Like you and Liv? You two
have this... bond that permeates through
your aura.
LUCY
Really? You never told me that.
XANDER
The Chinese have a word for it. I'd say
it out loud except the last time I said
it Chao-Ahn smacked me across the face.
It's... like a thin red line that
connects you.
LUCY
So you and Kelly?
It's the first time he's heard the name. He
digests that for a second.
XANDER
Kelly?
Lucy nods.
XANDER
Um. yeah. There's a line. It's no where
near as strong but... there's something
there.
Xander stands up and looks through the glass. Lucy
puts her arms around him from behind and looks
over his shoulder.
XANDER
What... What does she look like?
LUCY
She's gorgeous.
XANDER
Really?
LUCY
Yep. She's got your eyes.
XANDER
Can I have them back?
Lucy chuckles slightly and then frowns.
XANDER
What?
Lucy is hesitant to bring this up...
LUCY
You never told me that you and Faith had
a... thing.
XANDER
How did...?
LUCY
She's got pouty ruby lips and flowy dark
hair. Kind of a dead giveaway.
XANDER
Well, it's the same old story. Boy meets
slayer. Slayer scratches a sexual itch
with said boy. And then later the Slayer
tries to kill boy in a psychopathic
rage. Since then, boy and Slayer avoid
all eye contact. Which is easier now
that I have no eyes.
LUCY
You tell the best stories.
XANDER
And that's one of my happier
relationships. Present one excluded of
course.
(sighs)
What do we do now?
LUCY
Why don't you meet her? Take her home.
XANDER
Oh God. Are you kidding?
LUCY
She just wants to meet you. Otherwise
I'm going to have to call social
services.
Xander goes into panic mode.
XANDER
I... I can't be anyone's father.
LUCY
Hey. Dumbass. What do you think you've
been to Liv for the past year?
Xander digests that for a second.
XANDER
Yeah?
LUCY
Yeah.
XANDER
I guess we should contact Faith.
LUCY
Do you want me to...
XANDER
No. I'll call her.
LUCY
You ready?
Xander sighs.
XANDER
No.
But Xander opens the door and walks through
anyway.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
Xander enters. Kelly sizes him up.
KELLY
Hey.
XANDER
Hey yourself.
KELLY
(trying to be funny)
Are you my daddy?
XANDER
Looks that way.
KELLY
Okay, because you owe me a heck of a lot
of back pay on my allowance.
Xander chuckles.
XANDER
Yeah. You're my kid all right. Am I what
you expected?
KELLY
Was hoping for Tom Cruise, but I can
deal with the disappointment. Um. Am I
what you expected?
XANDER
I'll be honest. Up until twenty minutes
ago, I didn't know I had a kid.
KELLY
What about... my mother?
XANDER
Not sure she knows you exist either.
Kelly gives him a confused look.
KELLY
Okay... and I say this with all due
respect... "Wha-huh?"
XANDER
It's a long story involving your mother,
me, a battle between good and evil...
oh, and a coma.
KELLY
Hel-lo, Movie of the week.
They both laugh together... ending in an awkward
pause.
XANDER
So...
KELLY
So. What now?
Xander gives her a good hard look.
XANDER
Come on. Let's get you out of here.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM.
Xander, Kelly and the Odd Squad enter the
firehouse and Kelly takes an appraising look.
XANDER
What do you think?
KELLY
Bitchin' place.
XANDER
Thanks. You hungry?
KELLY
Starved.
The two head into the kitchen and start opening
cupboards.
XANDER
I'm afraid that I don't have much...
Kelly finds what she's looking for.
KELLY
All right! Twinkies!
Kelly rips a package open and stuffs an entire
twinkie in her mouth all at once. Xander gives her
a small smile. Kelly sees that he's "looking" at
her and gets weirded out.
KELLY
(talking with her mouth full)
What?
XANDER
Just... I... don't know.
KELLY
You know, for a blind guy you sure stare
at me a lot.
Xander smiles and goes to the fridge and pulls out
a small yellow bottle and hands it to Kelly.
XANDER
Try this...
KELLY
Oooooh, baby! Sweet chocolatey Yoohoo!
Kelly pops open the bottle and guzzles it. Xander
smiles.
MAYA(OS)
Oh yeah. That's his kid all right.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM
The Odd squad sits in their usual spots, observing
the interaction between Xander and Kelly in the
background.
JORDY
Right down to the Twinkie technique.
MAYA
Never thought that was genetic.
JORDY
Well it's kind of an
involuntary/instinctive thing. Like breathing
or swallowing.
LIV
I don't know...
MAYA
What? You think the Twinkie technique is
a product of environment?
LIV
I think this whole thing stinks. There's
something not right about this.
Maya and Jordy share an amused look.
MAYA
I think someone is having paternal
issues.
Liv rolls her eyes.
LIV
Yeah. Like you guys aren't lacking any
father figures.
Jordy makes a sound like a cat and then hisses.
LIV
That better be a hairball Rover.
JORDY
Okay... Definitely lacking the funny
today.
MAYA
Come on Liv. It's Xander. The guy can
smell a lie just by "looking" at you.
JORDY
*Smell* a lie by "looking"?
MAYA
Shut up.
XANDER(OS)
No! Whoa Don't drink that!
Kelly makes some retching noises offscreen.
KELLY(OS)
Gross! What is that? It tastes like
feet.
Liv watches Xander and Kelly with concern.
LIV
I think Mr. Harris is seeing only what
he wants to or is supposed to see.
Seriously guys... I know the hellmouth
has freaky coincidences, but this one?
This is like an episode of Passions. And
she just happens to meet us in a
cemetery while on patrol? That's not
normal. Even for us.
Jordy furrows his brow. Maya frowns.
JORDY
She's got a point.
MAYA
What should we do?
INT. DESERTED WAREHOUSE
A group of cloaked vampires kneel in front of two
vampire leaders, Khaos and Aionios.
KHAOS
Keep the girl under observation. Let us
know when she makes her move.
AIONIOS
Everyone else keep an eye open for the
Defiler. Alert us immediately when she
shows up.
KHAOS
Go. Perform your duties.
The vampires disperse. Khaos and Aionios remove
their hoods revealing
"Master"/fruit-punch-mouth-like faces.
AIONIOS
Soon she will be in our grasp.
KHAOS
And his restoration will be complete.
Khaos pulls out a cigarette and holds it up to his
mouth. It's now that we see his hands are cloven.
Khaos pats his cloak down. His arrogant facade now
seems gone.
KHAOS
Got a light?
Aionios pulls out a lighter and tries to light it
with his cloven hands, but the lighter flies off
across the room. They both sigh.
AIONIOS
It's moments like these that I miss
having thumbs.
END ACT I
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