ACT II
INT. IGQHIRA'S HUT
Igqhira storms into his hut in a huff. (hut-huff..
hee-hee), with Xander following him close behind.
IGQHIRA
You could have told me that their first
daughter was a slayer.
XANDER
I didn't think that would be an
obstacle.
IGQHIRA
(sarcastic)
Yes. I'd have to agree. Never mind their
first daughter was slaughtered by a
demon. The fact that their little girl
is destined to be a human sacrifice
because the tribe thinks she is an
abathakathi is quite the obstacle.
XANDER
A bath of what?
IGQHIRA
Abathakathi. Witches who practice dark
magic. They tend to be a problem around
here, so the natives tend to kill them.
Xander gets serious.
XANDER
We've got to stop them.
IGQHIRA
We cannot interfere with this girl's
destiny.
XANDER
This girl's destiny is to be a slayer.
IGQHIRA
And that's a better alternative?
XANDER
Better than being a human sacrifice.
IGQHIRA
Your interference will have grave
consequences. The girl is destined to
die. Saving her now will only postpone
the inevitable and could... make things
worse.
XANDER
I can't believe you are condoning
this...
IGQHIRA
I do not! But these people believe she
is cursed and must be sacrificed to
appease the gods.
XANDER
Do you believe that? Do you really
believe their gods want this? I've seen
you talk to the dead. Ask them.
IGQHIRA
The dead do not impose the will of the
gods upon the living.
XANDER
Look... There must be someone...
something we can use to find out what's
going on here.
The Igqhira sighs.
IGQHIRA
What we are about to do is tantamount to
breaking open a bee hive the size of the
Chrysler building.
XANDER
I've been stung before.
Igqhira grabs a bottle and a wooden box and puts
them into his satchel and grabs his walking stick.
IGQHIRA
Come with me.
XANDER
Where we going?
IGQHIRA
If you want to know what the gods' will
is, you must ask them directly... and
hope they don't strike you down for your
petulance.
XANDER
Iggy... Speak English.
IGQHIRA
We're going on a walk.
EXT. A COUNTRY ROAD IN AFRICA
It is night as Xander and Igqhira walk down the
road. Xander is having fun torturing his new
friend.
XANDER
Are we there yet?
IGQHIRA
No.
XANDER
Are we there yet?
IGQHIRA
No.
XANDER
Are we...
IGQHIRA
Shut up! Shut up! For the love of all
that is holy! SHUT UP!
XANDER
No! You did it all wrong! This is where
you threaten to "pull this car over and
tan my hide". However, the "I'll turn
this car around right now" threat would
also be accepted.
IGQHIRA
Exactly how did you and your people
become the most powerful nation?
XANDER
Capitalism.
IGQHIRA
I weep for the future.
XANDER
Hey Iggy?
IGQHIRA
What?
XANDER
Are we there...
Xander stops and looks around. The Igqhira sighs
in relief.
IGQHIRA
At last.
ANGLE ON: THE CROSSROADS
Xander and the Igqhira stand at the crossroads.
Igqhira starts rummaging through his pack. Xander
is confused.
XANDER
Uh... this wasn't here a second ago.
IGQHIRA
No.
XANDER
Just kind of "whoosh" appeared out of
nowhere. How'd that happened?
IGQHIRA
Well there's a precise mathematical
theory on how it works.
XANDER
Really?
IGQHIRA
No. It's magic. "Whoosh"
XANDER
Ahhh... That wacky magic... Hey what are
you doing?
IGQHIRA
Presenting offerings to Ellegua.
(Holding up a bottle of booze)
Rum.
(Holding up a box of cigars)
Cigars. Hand wrapped.
The Igqhira places the offerings on the ground and
takes out a candle.
XANDER
Is this for the god of bachelor parties?
Because I think we need to throw a thong
and two tassels on the pile.
Igqhira turns on Xander, infuriated.
IGQHIRA
This is not something to be disrespected
Harris. Ellegua is not to be...
A happy and joyous voice booms out...
VOICE
Honorable Igqhira!
Xander and Igqhira turn to the voice and find a
very large African man dressed in tribal garb
already smoking on a cigar and pouring himself a
shot of rum.
ELLEGUA
What brings you to my neck of the woods?
Igqhira drops to one knee in reverence. Xander
justs stands there with his hands in his pocket.
XANDER
Hey. How's it going?
IGQHIRA
Honorable Ellegua, we ask you to grant
us...
ELLEGUA
Lay off the ritual, Igqhira. What you
have brought me today is truly a fine
offering.
IGQHIRA
(flustered)
Ellegua, ah...you... ah... honor us
with...
XANDER
You have to forgive Iggy. He's a
traditionalist.
IGQHIRA
Harris! Show some respect! This is a
god!
XANDER
Okay, but is he a god with a little "g"
or a big "G"? 'Cuz it makes a
difference.
Ellegua lets out a huge belly laugh.
ELLEGUA
Who's the white boy? I like him. He
looks like a pirate.
XANDER
Xander Harris. Professional White Boy
and demon hunter.
IGQHIRA
Honorable Igqhira. Please forgive the
impertinence of...
Ellegua lets out another big belly laugh.
ELLEGUA
I like him. He's got spunk. So tell
me... why do you summon me here today?
XANDER
I've come here about a girl at a local
village. She's believed to be cursed.
That she's in a-bath-of-khaki.
IGQHIRA
Abathakathi.
XANDER
Right. What he said. But she's a really
a Slayer.
ELLEGUA
A slayer? Some would believe that is a
curse.
IGQHIRA
(to Xander, snide)
Told you.
XANDER
Her tribesmen have been told by you and
your fellow um... gods that she is to be
sacrificed.
IGQHIRA
While we do not wish to question your
judgment....
XANDER
Oh I'm questioning it. I'm questioning
it big time.
IGQHIRA
What he means to say is...
ELLEGUA
We have not requested a sacrifice.
XANDER
(to Igqhira, Snide)
Told you.
ELLEGUA
There is a demon out there who has been
imitating my brethren. Getting its hands
on the blood of a slayer would bring it
much power.
IGQHIRA
A blood sacrifice? For what purpose?
ELLEGUA
A purging ritual
Igqhira gets a troubled look on his face.
XANDER
So... a demon? I can handle a demon.
ELLEGUA
Not this demon Xanda-man.
IGQHIRA
A blood sacrifice in a purging ritual
means that it is seeking to remove all
human attributes. Maybe they didn't tell
you all this at the watcher's council
but all...
Xander nods in understanding.
XANDER
I know. I know. "All the demons that
walk the earth are tainted. Human hybrids,
like vampires." blah. blah. blah. Soooo
I'm guessing this purging ritual is kind
of like the Ascension ceremony where a
human becomes a demon, except that it's
a demon removing any kind of human
aspects it may have. Right?
Ellegua and Igqhira look at Xander in shock.
XANDER
What? I've been doing this gig for
almost eight years guys... I've picked
up a couple of things. So... How do we
kill it?
IGQHIRA
You can't.
XANDER
Ohhhh.... come on. All we need is what?
A couple of tons of explosives and a
school building? A crane with a wrecking
ball? A spell that combines the best
attributes of all of us into one person?
ELLEGUA
If you have witnessed an ascension
ceremony... I can guarantee you that
what you are facing will not be stopped
by any weapon forged by human hands.
XANDER
Oh! How about a bazooka?
Ellegua laughs.
ELLEGUA
You have never faced this kind of evil,
Xanda-Man. But Iggy can handle the
job...
Igqhira glares at Xander. Xander smiles back.
Ellegua pulls out a small clay urn and tosses it
to Igqhira.
ELLEGUA
...if he uses this.
Igqhira catches the urn and examines it. His eyes
pop open in amazement.
IGQHIRA
(in awe)
Olos Nah.
XANDER
An ooloos what?
Igqhira has forgotten everything and walks away
examining his clay pot. Xander watches him walk
away in amusement.
XANDER
Iggy! Are you just going to walk away
and not thank the nice tribal god for
the little ashtray he made for you?
IGQHIRA
(distracted)
Hmm? Oh yes. Thank you.
XANDER
I tell you. These iggy-high-rahs today.
No respect for their tribal gods.
ELLEGUA
Xanda-man... because I like you, a word
of warning...
XANDER
Word or warning? Damn it. There's a
catch isn't there? There's always a
catch.
ELLEGUA
The girl you seek to protect... her
destiny is an early death. You may be
able to prolong it or exchange it... but
her death is inevitable.
Xander laughs...
XANDER
Oh, is that all? I thought you were
going to tell me something about losing
my soul, losing another eye. You know...
something important.
ELLEGUA
You think this is funny?
XANDER
I think destiny is funny. You know how
many times we've found prophecies
talking about death and destruction only
for us to overcome it in some
crazy-zany-wacky plan? Trust me when I
say this... destiny is my punk-ass
bitch.
Ellegua gives off another one of his belly laughs
as he picks up his box of cigars and rum.
ELLEGUA
You are very funny Xanda-man. You would
be advised to keep your sense of humor.
You'll need it.
Ellegua walks into the night with a slightly
confused Xander watching him go.
XANDER
What's that supposed to mean?
INT. A COUNTRY ROAD IN NEW HAMPSHIRE - PRESENT
SPIKE
Are we there yet?
XANDER
No.
SPIKE
Are we there yet?
XANDER
No.
SPIKE
Are you regretting that I'm coming
along?
XANDER
I was hoping you might have some insight
on where this thing is.
SPIKE
Tough Luck, Harris. Last time I just
kind of stumbled upon it.
XANDER
Well if you want to go relieve Liv, be
my guest.
SPIKE
Yeah... because I'd just love another
night of watching boring cheergirl
whimper about how her social life is
over.
XANDER
And annoying me is much more
entertaining.
SPIKE
Definitely.
INT. PARTY
LIV
Audrey, we shouldn't be here.
AUDREY
Look Freakshow, I'm tired of this whole
hide from the world routine. I'm not
going to spend the rest of my life
cooped up because of some stupid ability
to talk to the dead. I'm tired of
talking to the dead. I'd rather talk
with someone other than you, dye-job,
the dead and the rest of the funky
bunch. Just sit tight and don't tell
anyone you came with me. Georgia! Omigod!
That is a killer outfit! I just saw it
on sale at TJ Maxx. Gag!
Audrey is off like a shot. Liv watches Audrey go
and rolls her eyes. Liv finds an empty couch and
sits back on it and sighs heavily.
VOICE(OS)
Not having any fun?
Liv turns and sees a somewhat preppy and good
looking guy her age standing behind the couch.
LIV
Not my idea of a good time.
GUY
Not mine either really.
The guy sits down next to Liv on the couch.
LIV
What is it about the weird inner desire
of rich kids to have a party whenever
their parents leave the house?
GUY
Uh.. beats me.
LIV
Probably your typical spoiled brat whose
feelings of social inadequacy force him
to invite people he barely knows over to
his house in order to feel popular.
GUY
Yeah... I mean how pitiful is that?
Or... uh... Or! It could be that...
uh... some kids from school found out
that the perfectly nice rich kid's
parents were going to be out of town and
uh... just kind of.. showed up with a
couple of kegs.
Liv gives the guy a strange look.
GUY#2
Dude! Great party!
GUY
Uh... yeah.
GUY#2
You rock! Woooooo!
LIV
Your house, huh?
GUY
Uh... yeah.
LIV
Sorry I didn't realize...
GUY
It's okay. I'm Tucker by the way.
LIV
I'm Liv.
TUCKER
I know. You're in my advanced chem
class. Uh... Or rather *our* advanced
chem. To say it was mine is saying that
I own chemistry which really belongs to
everyone who studies... the uh...
sciences.
Tucker and Liv enjoy an awkward pause.
LIV
Uh... nice house.
TUCKER
Thanks. It's my parents. uh... not that
it would belong to anyone else.
LIV
Right.
TUCKER
Of course it won't be a house much
longer if my "friends" have their way
with it.
LIV
Oh... I'm sure they won't do anything
too bad. Nobody's going to destroy
anything.
TUCKER
I certainly hope so.
Audrey, somewhat tipsy wanders up to Tucker.
AUDREY
Tuck? It was getting cold in the study
so the girls and I lit a fire to keep
warm. Hope you don't mind.
TUCKER
Oh okay. Thanks.
Audrey wanders off in search of more free booze.
LIV
See? She even let you know what was
going on. And Audrey's a sociopath.
TUCKER
Yeah I guess you're...
Tucker suddenly goes pale.
TUCKER
Uh... One problem.
LIV
What's that?
TUCKER
There's no fireplace in the study.
Tucker jumps up and starts to run off but stops
and turns to Liv.
TUCKER
Uh... listen. Don't run off... yet.
LIV
Um. Okay.
TUCKER
Just stay there. Okay? Be right back.
Tucker dashes out of the room. Liv smiles to
herself but is interrupted by the chirp of her
cell/pda.
MAYA
(filtered)
Natasha to Squirrel. Natasha to
Squirrel. What's up Worm?
Liv pulls out her cell/pda and speaks into it.
LIV
I'm stuck at an after game party. You?
Maya grabs Liv's shoulder from behind, startling
her.
MAYA
I'm standing right behind you.
Maya is now sporting a new cast, sans sling. She
plops down next to her friend on the sofa.
LIV
What are you doing here?
MAYA
Well with Jordy on patrol and my arm
still in a cast, I thought it would be
good to continue the mockfest tradition
of extracurricular school gatherings.
Did you see that the cheerleaders
started a fire?
LIV
Yeah, Tucker just went off to play
fireman-person.
MAYA
Who's Tucker?
LIV
The guy who lives here.
MAYA
Ooooo. Poor guy. Hope the insurance is
paid up. Aren't you supposed to be
tailing Xander?
LIV
Spike's with him. I ended up babysitting
Audrey.
MAYA
Well... could be worse.
LIV
Exactly how could it be worse?
INT. OUTSIDE THE PARTY HOUSE
Amy steps into frame, dressed in her black cloak.
An army of her undead izithunzela falls in behind
her. Amy smiles grimly.
AMY
Party time.
END ACT II
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