TEASER
INT. THE HUT IN AFRICA
A small clay urn sits in the middle of an arcane diagram
scrawled on the floor. The Vizier walks around the diagram, chanting his chant
and occasionally throwing what looks like dirt into the middle of the circle.
Several figures, dressed in black ceremonial robes, stand silently around the
circle watching the Vizier.
VIZIER
Vetus parentes, audite meus vox! Intus
is vas lies a porta quod must exsisto
patefacio. Solvo vinculum ut seperates
nostrum universitas per unus ultra quod
permissum atrum unus per!
Black smoke issues from the pot. The smoke slowly
takes the form of a very large and cloaked figure.
All the other smaller cloaked figures bow down
before him.
CLOAKED FIGURE
You have done well Vizier. There are few
who are able to free me from this
prison.
VIZIER
You spend 900 years in a hell dimension,
you pick up a few tricks. Now there is
the matter of payment for my services...
CLOAKED FIGURE
Your services were paid in full when I
showed you the way back to this
dimension.
VIZIER
Look... the deal was that I get you out
of the little pot, and then you would
help me get back at...
Tendrils shoot out from within cloaked figure and
grab the Vizier by the throat, raising him up in
the air..
CLOAKED FIGURE
Your petty vengeance means nothing to
me.. There is only one person on this
planet who I care enough to vanquish,
and he shall be your only concern.
VIZIER
(choking)
And who would that be?
VOICE(OS)
Xander Harris...
INT. DEMON BAR
Xander sits in a booth of a demon bar he turns and
"sees"...
WHISTLER
...the blind man who sees everything.
Xander grimaces.
XANDER
Yeah. Thanks for pointing out the irony.
END TEASER
ACT I
INT. DEMON BAR
Whistler sits down in a booth across from Xander.
He's carrying two shot glasses and a large pint of
beer.
WHISTLER
Kind of dangerous to be hanging out
here, don't you think?
XANDER
I can usually scope out trouble before
it hits me.
WHISTLER
That foresight thing can be pretty
handy.
XANDER
But it doesn't tell me everything I need
to know now, does it? I understand
you're the go-to-guy for information.
WHISTLER
Depends on what you're looking for.
XANDER
I'm trying to track down an old...
friend.
WHISTLER
Kind of using that term a little loosely
aren't you?
XANDER
Yeah... well I'm just being polite.
Whistler downs a shot and takes a sip of beer.
WHISTLER
You know the ritual don't you?
XANDER
The ritual I got. I just need the
location.
Whistler plays with his shot glass.
WHISTLER
You trust this guy? He's a bit of a
trickster.
XANDER
It's not a matter of trust. He... It...
whatever that thing is... it owes me. So
you going to tell me where to go, or
shall I hit mapquest?
WHISTLER
A wise man once said... It's all about
the journey.
XANDER
Uh-huh. So am I taking a left or a right
once I hit the end of that fortune
cookie wisdom?
WHISTLER
Just don't add "in-bed" to everything I
say, and we should get along fine.
Whistler grins and drinks his remaining shot in
one gulp. Xander doesn't smile. Whistler shakes
his head.
WHISTLER
You're looking for a crossroads.
XANDER
Where?
WHISTLER
You know that's not how it works.
There's no shortcuts. There's no
directions. Just the path you walk.
XANDER
So am I looking for the crossroads in
that movie with Ralph Macchio or the one
in that song by Eric Clapton?
Whistler shakes his head.
WHISTLER
The crossroads has always been a place
of an ancient kind of magic dating back...
well dating back well before I came
around. And I've been around for a while.
What that magic is used for can either
be for good or evil.
XANDER
Aren't we a fountain of melodrama? I'm
not interested in magic. I'm just
looking for.... him.
WHISTLER
Hmm. I can't tell you the destination.
Just that you've already started your
journey and that you're not going to be
happy with what you find.
XANDER
Gee what a shockster that is.
Xander shakes his head; gets up and starts to walk
away.
WHISTLER
Harris.
Xander turns back to Whistler.
WHISTLER
Big things are coming down the pike. You
should prepare yourself for some tough
choices that will be presented to you.
Xander nods, turns and walks away...
XANDER
... In bed.
Xander pushes open the door to the bar as we...
CUT TO:
EXT. A BROKEN DOWN BAR SOMEPLACE IN AFRICA
TITLE: Somewhere in Africa- September 2003
Xander is thrown through the air from the entrance
of the bar where he lands on a dusty road of a
small African town. He is dressed for adventure
and is wearing his old eye patch.
Xander stands up and dusts himself off. He looks
back at the bar.
XANDER
What'd I say?!
A book flies out of the entrance and hits Xander
right in the good eye. Xander falls to ground
holding his face.
XANDER
Ow! Hey! Not the eye! Jeez!
He picks up the book which is a English to Bantu
phrasebook. Xander stands up and shakes the book
in the air.
XANDER
I'll have you know this was the best
book they had on Amazon.com!
VOICE(OS)
Perhaps this internet thing is not all
that it is cracked up to be.
Xander turns to see the Igqhira from the previous
episode. He is dressed in traditional garb and is
giving Xander the hairy eyeball.
XANDER
You understand English?
IGQHIRA
No. Not at all. I don't understand a
word you're saying. This is Star Trek
and I have a universal language decoder
that makes it seem like we are talking
the same language.
Xander gives Igqhira a look of bewilderment. The
Igqhira rolls his eyes.
IGQHIRA
Yes. I understand English. That was
sarcasm. You do understand sarcasm,
don't you?
XANDER
Uh.. yes.. maybe you can help me...
Xander pulls out a wrinkled piece of paper.
XANDER
I'm looking for a T'Challa Fatu Fofanau.
IGQHIRA
And who exactly are you?
XANDER
I am Xander Harris. Exactly.
IGQHIRA
And why should I take you to T'Challa
Fatu Fofanau?
XANDER
I work for an advance group for the
peace corps. It's our job to screen
remote villages for medical and
engineering assistance. He's supposed to
help me locate some remote sites where
we can work.
IGQHIRA
Ooooh... You're full of crap. You know
that, right?
XANDER
What?
IGQHIRA
Drop the act. What do you want?
XANDER
I'm... I'm with the Watcher's coun...
The Igqhira spits on the ground and walks away
from Xander. Xander scrambles to keep up.
IGQHIRA
I have no interest in serving your
'council'.
XANDER
Wait... you're..?
IGQHIRA
I am the one you seek.
XANDER
Okay.. but... see there's a slayer
someplace around here and the council
needs your help locating her.
The Igqhira turns quickly and faces Xander with a
venomous look.
IGQHIRA
Really. How interesting. Now they want
our help. Years ago the shadow men left
this world. The real watchers. My
ancestors. The British came in with
their arrogance and their books and
patronizing ways. They took away our charge,
telling us we were not suited to handle
his responsibility. Our people who had
handled this "responsibility" for over a
thousand years before you and your
council came along. So do you really think
that by walking into town and waving the
words "Watcher", "Council" and "Slayer" around is
really going to impress me?
XANDER
Well... not now.
The Igqhira turns to walk away.
XANDER
Look... the council used to be run by
those guys, but it's different now.
IGQHIRA
Why? Who runs it now? Americans?
XANDER
Uh... some of them.
The Igqhira just glares at Xander
XANDER
That doesn't improve your opinion of us,
does it?
IGQHIRA
No.
The Igqhira walks away again. Xander follows him
like a puppy
XANDER
Wait! Um... You actually know the guy
who runs the council now. An old friend
of yours.
IGQHIRA
And who would that be?
XANDER
Rupert Giles. You went to Oxford with
him.
The Igqhira stops again and looks at Xander with a
wary look. The Igqhira is trying to place the
name.
IGQHIRA
Rupert Giles? Rupert...? You mean
Ripper?
XANDER
Yes! Ripper!
IGQHIRA
The demon worshiper?
XANDER
Yes!
The Igqhira shakes his head and walks away even
faster.
XANDER
Wait! I mean no! At least not any more.
IGQHIRA
The Rupert Giles I know was a strung out
bassist and a practioner of the black
arts. The man dropped out of the
university to become a grocer! This is
the man who leads the council?
Xander grabs Igqhira's arm.
XANDER
The Giles I know learned from his
mistakes, was fired from the council
because he broke too many rules trying
to protect his slayer. The Giles I know
sent me here to find a girl who's about
to be demon kibble if we don't find her
soon. He also thought you might give a
damn.
IGQHIRA
I will not be a party to the council's
agenda. This is not the first time the
council has come to my country to steal
a young child from her family then let
her die at the hands of monsters. I
won't be a party to it.
XANDER
Things are different now. There isn't
just one slayer... there's many. Do you
know how many demons would like to get a
part of her? This isn't about taking a
child away. It's about making sure
she's trained to protect herself. That's
why I'm here.
IGQHIRA
So... you're telling me that you came
all this way from your blessed U.S. of A
just to protect this girl? Why did they
send you?
XANDER
I volunteered.
IGQHIRA
Why?
XANDER
Well you know... Africa. It's a dry heat
and...
The Igqhira shoots a look of "cut the crap" to
Xander. Xander hangs his head.
XANDER
I've never been anywhere outside my
hometown except for a summer job at a
strip club thirty miles from home. When
my home became a giant hole in the
ground and my friends took off for parts
well known... I took the country less
traveled. I've... I've got nowhere else
to go.
Igqhira gives Xander a look that is a mixture of
pity and acceptance.
IGQHIRA
What are you exactly? A martial arts
expert? A warlock? An occultist?
XANDER
No, I'm a.... a carpenter.
Igqhira nods.
IGQHIRA
Great.
Igqhira walks off.
IGQHIRA
We're doomed.
Xander runs to catch up.
XANDER
Hey! Wait up!
LIV(VO)
Wait up!
EXT. DEMON BAR - PRESENT
Xander is walking away from the bar. Liv is
dressed in her standard patrol gear (fatigues and
kevlar) trying to catch up to him. Xander stops
and turns to her.
XANDER
Aren't you supposed to be on patrol?
LIV
I am patrolling.
(Points to bar)
Demon bar...
(Points to herself)
Demon killer... See how that works?
XANDER
You're trailing me aren't you?
LIV
Yep.
XANDER
I thought I told you I didn't need any
help with this.
LIV
You did.
XANDER
I told you to go on patrol with Jordy.
LIV
You did.
XANDER
So why are you here?
LIV
I was ordered to.
XANDER
And whose orders supersedes your
watcher?
LIV
My mommy.
XANDER
Ah.
LIV
Who, by the way is very worried about
you.
XANDER
You know... when I was out hanging with
Buffy, we never disobeyed Giles.
Liv rolls her eyes in disbelief.
LIV
Yeah. Whatever. Where we going?
XANDER
"We" aren't going anywhere. You're going
on patrol while I do my... thing.
LIV
Sorry. Mommy's orders. Your thing is now
officially my thing.
XANDER
You're just saying "mommy" because it
makes me sound less in charge-y, aren't
you?
LIV
Pretty much. Again, I say: Where we
going?
XANDER
To find a guy who can give me
directions. But first we have to find
Audrey.
Liv makes a face.
LIV
Really? 'Cuz I should be going on patrol
right now...
Xander smirks.
XANDER
What about Mommy's orders?
Liv pouts.
LIV
I hate it when this kind of thing
happens. Why do we need Audrey?
XANDER
Because the guy I need to talk to is
dead.
LIV
Can't we just get a ouiji board?
XANDER
Tried it with Jordy.
LIV
And?
XANDER
Apparently the information I need is up
my nose with a rubber hose.
LIV
So... I guess we need to find Audrey
then.
XANDER
Right.
LIV
We're not going to have to dig any dead
bodies up are we?
XANDER
I make no promises.
LIV
Ahh.. Another wacky Friday night.
XANDER
You know a girl your age should be out
with friends... dating... partying...
LIV
Slamming wooden stakes into the bodies
of the undead.
XANDER
Yeah. You know... Fun stuff. So where
would Audrey be on a Friday night?
LIV
Are you kidding? How long has it been
since you were in high school? It's game
night.
EXT. ST. BUFALARI'S STADIUM
Audrey is leading the squad in a cheer. The
football team is losing horribly. The crowd looks
like they would rather be someplace else. Spike is
leaning up against the wall smoking a cigarette
and bored out of his mind. He looks over and sees
Xander and Liv approaching and his expression
lights up with hope.
SPIKE
What's that? Watcher and Slayer
approaching? Danger about? Demons to
slay? Apocalypse-a-coming?
XANDER
Sorry, Spike. We just need Audrey's
help. Why? Are you getting bored of watching
young nubile women who are way... way
too young for you?
SPIKE
Oh, bullocks. I swear to God, if I see
one more bloody human pyramid...
XANDER
You'll cut a bloody swath through
Europe? Oh, wait... You already did
that.
Spike gets a dreamy expression on his face.
SPIKE
Yeah... Good times.
(sighs)
Good times.
Xander and Liv give him a disturbed look. Spike
gets a little flustered.
SPIKE
You know. A good time if I had no soul.
XANDER
Soul or no soul Spike, you still creep
me out.
Spike gets a big grin on his face.
SPIKE
Thanks!
AUDREY(OS)
What they hell?
Audrey approaches the group with a look of
disgust.
AUDREY
What's the dork squad here for?
XANDER
I was hoping we could take advantage of
your special skills for research
purposes.
LIV
That would be your talking to the dead
skills, not your booty shakin' skills.
Just in case there was any confusion.
AUDREY
I'm in the middle of a game here! The
guys out there depend on me and my squad
for morale and support!
LIV
The "guys" are down thirty points in the
first quarter. I think you've helped
enough.
Audrey rushes at Liv violently. Spike calmly holds
her back.
AUDREY
Listen Freakshow! I don't care if you do
have superpowers! I'm taking you down!
LIV
Bring it on cheerwench!
XANDER
Ladies... Let's keep it down shall we?
SPIKE
Aww. Can't we let them go at it? I
haven't seen a good catfight in ages.
Xander scowls at Spike.
XANDER
Audrey? Will you help us please?
AUDREY
What's in it for me?
LIV
What! Oh, You've got to be kidding.
AUDREY
If I have to give up the postgame party
to hang out with Freakshow and
Dye-job...
SPIKE
Hey!
AUDREY
... I better be getting something out of
it.
LIV
You little bi-
Xander quickly slaps his hand over Liv's mouth.
XANDER
What do you want?
AUDREY
I want Freakshow or Dog-boy chaperoning
me at practice.
LIV
No way!
AUDREY
Too many of the girls have a case of the
drools over Dye-job here.
Spike suddenly gets interested in the
conversation.
SPIKE
Really? Which ones?
Xander smacks Spike's shoulder in disgust.
SPIKE
What?
AUDREY
It's beginning to be a problem. Last
week they dropped me on my head three
times.
LIV
Awww. Did the floor get damaged?
Audrey scowls at Liv.
AUDREY
Is it a deal?
LIV
No!
XANDER
Yes.
LIV
What?!
Xander silences Liv by putting his hand on her
shoulder.
XANDER
But... only if Spike takes over after
practice and you agree to help us on a
regular basis.
AUDREY
Regular?
XANDER
As needed?
Audrey shrugs.
AUDREY
Fine. I'll go get my stuff.
LIV
I don't see why I have to babysit her.
XANDER
Just... Just don't kill her okay?
Spike flicks his cigarette to the ground and
stamps it out.
SPIKE
So. Where we off to?
XANDER
To see an old friend.
EXT. CAPE KENNETH GRAVEYARD
The gang is standing in front of a simple
gravestone with the name "Clemmonswarth" inscribed
on it.
LIV
(mournfully)
Clem.
XANDER
You okay?
LIV
Yeah... just... miss him. That's all.
SPIKE
Poor bloke. Never did know when to keep
his nose out of other people's business.
XANDER
(to Audrey)
Is he... here?
AUDREY
Is he a human sharpei minus the fur?
XANDER
That's him.
AUDREY
He says thanks for finding a home for
all of his cats.
SPIKE
God. Him and those bloody cats.
Xander smiles.
XANDER
Can he tell me where we can find a place
called the crossroads?
Spike gives Xander a sharp look.
SPIKE
The crossroads?
AUDREY
He says he's never been there, but he
never has had a reason to.
SPIKE
Bloody hell, Harris, what the hell are
you up to?
LIV
You've been there?
SPIKE
Went there to find out how to get my
soul back. Nearly had my kibbles and
bits barbecued trying to get back.
AUDREY
If you guys are that desperate looking
for the crossroads with Britney Spears,
I have a special edition DVD.
LIV
That is just scary on so many different
levels.
XANDER
That's enough. Audrey, can he tell us
anything more?
AUDREY
Head North with only what you carry.
That's all he knows.
XANDER
All right then. Liv, take Audrey home
and play guard duty.
LIV
Oh man!
AUDREY
Like it's a party for me, Freakshow.
SPIKE
What makes you think I want to follow
you around Harris?
XANDER
Would you rather babysit Audrey?
Spike wastes no time in making his decisions.
SPIKE
(quickly)
Go on now girls! Get!
(to Xander)
Well what are we waiting for? C'mon
Harris, get the lead out.
Spike immediately starts heading North. Xander
grins and starts to follow. Liv is not pleased at
all.
LIV
I'm telling mom!
AUDREY
Well? Let's get this prison sentence
over with.
LIV
Fine. Let's get you home.
AUDREY
Um.. yeah. Listen, I left my books at a
friend's house. Can we stop there first?
I've got a paper due on Monday.
LIV
Great. Whatever. Let's go.
Audrey puts on a sly grin.
AUDREY
Great.
LIV
Where is this place?
EXT. PARTY HOUSE
It's a lavish house gone wild with drunk
teenagers. Audrey and Liv stand in the front lawn.
Liv is highly annoyed.
LIV
You left your books here?
AUDREY
Oh my goodness! There's a party going
on. Who da thunk?
Audrey starts walking to the house. Liv grabs her
by the arm.
LIV
Come on Audrey. Let's go home.
Audrey shakes off Liv and continues to walk to the
house.
AUDREY
Forget it Freakshow. Between you and
Dye-job, I haven't had any fun in weeks.
LIV
Audrey, it could be dangerous...
AUDREY
Yeah... really don't care. Oh and if
you're going in there you might want to
do something about the outfit. GI Jane
was so 1997. It doesn't blend.
Audrey heads off into the party atmosphere as Liv
looks over her outfit. Liv shakes her head and
removes her flack jacket revealing a somewhat
punkish halter top.
LIV
The things I do to save the earth.
END ACT I
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