TEASER
EXT. LOS ANGELES - CORNER OF FOURTH AND SPRING -
EARLY MORNING
The street is empty and the night is completely
black as a woman paces up and down a particular
portion of the street. She is nervous... and
waiting.
Behind her she hears the sound of stone grinding against
stone. She turns to see three stone thrones rise
from the ground into the air. The thrones are each
occupied by a dark robed figure. Their faces are
masked except for the eyes which look weathered and
somewhat Albino like. One of the figures stands.
JUDGE
What matter do you bring before The
Tribunal?
WOMAN
Um... I was here once before. For my
unborn daughter. I come again to seek
asylum for her.
JUDGE
Asylum is not for us to give.
WOMAN
Then I come to appeal your decision. For
more time. She's still just a child.
JUDGE
The appeal is denied. Our judgment was
for the protection of you and your child
until she became of age.
WOMAN
She's not even sixteen yet!
JUDGE
Our judgment stands. When the girl turns
sixteen of your earth years, our
protection is no longer.
WOMAN
Please, I beg you! I have no one to
protect her.
The robed figures exchange glances.
JUDGE
While we cannot provide judgment, we can
provide council. Seek your champion.
WOMAN
Champion?
JUDGE
The one who won your protection.
WOMAN
(disappointed)
Great.
The woman turns and walks away while digging
through her purse. She pulls out an old and
tattered business card.
INSERT: BUSINESS CARD
The card reads: Angel Investigations and has the
familiar swoopy Angel logo on it.
WOMAN
Let's hope you're still around...
MAYA
Man, this is just scary.
INT. ST. BUFALARI'S - HALLWAY
Liv is rummaging through her locker as Maya and
Jordy lean against the wall waiting for her.
LIV
Hydra thing?
MAYA
Oh yeah. I mean that head just keeps
growing back nastier and nastier.
ANGLE ON:
Audrey, the new head cheerleader is directing the
squad on how to decorate the latest entry on the
"Memorial Wall"
AUDREY
Girls! Where's the glitter?! Haley was
all about the glitter! If you think I'm
going to let Haley's picture grace this
wall without glitter, you've got another
thing coming! Do I have to do
ANGLE ON:
The odd squad continue to watch as Liv shoves
books into her pack.
JORDY
Look at it this way, the position of
head cheerleader usually has the life
expectancy of a red shirt on Star Trek.
Liv closes her locker door and shakes her head.
LIV
It's not funny Jordy.
MAYA
What's wrong with you?
LIV
Take a good look at that wall, Maya. I
should have been able to save everyone
up there.
JORDY
I think you're being a little hard on
yourself there Liv.
MAYA
And come on... Haley had it coming. I
mean... Hello? She did try to get
LIV
She wasn't a demon, Maya.
MAYA
Yeah, but she was evil. She may not have
had fangs and an aversion to sunlight,
but she was still evil
Liv stops and looks at the three pictures on the
memorial wall. Brad. Vanessa. Haley.
LIV
Doesn't matter.
JORDY
You can't save everyone Liv.
LIV
I know. But it still doesn't make me
feel any better about it. The worse
part? It's knowing that someone else's
picture is going to end up there and I
can't do a thing to stop it.
Liv turns and walks smack into Audrey who is
carrying a load of art supplies. Glitter, paste
and paint fly everywhere... but mostly on Audrey.
Liv moves to help clean her up.
LIV
Oh.. Audrey.. I'm sorry.
AUDREY
(Nasty beyond belief)
Nice. Real nice.
Liv tries to clean some glitter off Audrey. Audrey
smacks Liv's hands away.
AUDREY
If I want help from a freakshow like
you, I'll need a lobotomy first.
Audrey stomps off as some of the cheerleaders
giggle. Liv scowls.
JORDY
Joke's on her. She already got one.
MAYA
It's a requirement when you go on the
"A" squad. You give up half your brain
and the ability to relate to normal
people
LIV
Now her... I wouldn't feel too bad about
leaving to die.
MAYA
Better hope that never happens.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM
Xander is on the phone.
XANDER
Buffy. No. I can't. Something wicked is
this way coming and I can't have *him*
mucking things up.
(Beat)
Can't you
send anyone else? Kennedy? Faith?
Andrew?
(Beat)
No, I was just kidding on that last one.
Seriously, Buff... Is it really necessary
that *he* be here?
Xander listens, shakes his head and sighs.
XANDER
Fine. Whatever. Yeah... I'll be nice if
he's nice. What's so important about
this girl anyway? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You
have no clue do you? Thought so. What's
her name again? All right. Great. Yep.
Talk to you later.
Xander hangs up the phone and groans.
XANDER
Pongo! Set the Tivo to record Passions!
(Sighs)
Company's coming...
EXT. CAPE KENNETH ROAD - DAY
A Road sign displays the traditional greeting:
"Welcome to Cape Kenneth: A Great Place to Live".
An old, sputtering Dodge Desoto FireFlite with
heavily tinted windows pulls up in front of the
welcome sign. As it stops, a
snap-crackle-and-popping sound is heard. Smoke
starts billowing out of the hood.
VOICE
BLOODY HELL!
The car jostles around a bit... stops and then the
driver side door is kicked open. SPIKE leaps out
of the car, his coat held above his head for
protection. Spike runs down the road, slightly
smoking, looking for cover.
SPIKE
Home sweet bloody sodding' home!
END TEASER
ACT I
INT. BAR
Spike runs into the bar, smoking just a bit. He
sighs in relief; takes a look around at his
surroundings and does a double take.
SPIKE
Of all the gin joints, in all the
world...
ANGLE ON:
The rest of the bar is filled with demons,
drinking unusual cocktails.
SPIKE
I always seem to find the demon bars.
Spike shrugs and heads for the bar.
SPIKE
Barkeep! Set 'em up.
The bartender gives Spike the ol' hairy eyeball.
BARTENDER
What do you want? Bloody Mary? We only
serve pig's blood.
Spike shakes his head.
SPIKE
Jack Daniels.
Spike slaps some money on the table.
SPIKE
Leave the bottle.
BARTENDER
Rough day?
SPIKE
You have no idea.
INT. ST. BUFALARI'S CAMPUS
The odd squad is sitting around having lunch. Liv
is still fuming about Audrey.
LIV
She's... She's just so.... ARGH!
JORDY
Yeah, that about sums it up.
MAYA
Let it go Liv. Chances are she'll either
be killed by vampires or turn into a
demon-like creature and you'll have to
slay her. Won't that be nice?
LIV
Is it wrong that I find that to be a
happy thought?
XANDER
I assume we're not talking about
raindrops on roses and whiskers on
kittens?
Liv jumps at the sound of Xander's voice. She
turns to see him standing behind her carrying his
white and red cane.
LIV
Gah!
XANDER
Sorry? Did I scare you?
JORDY
Anything sung by Julie Andrews has that
affect on her.
LIV
No. You were just Mr. Sneaky guy.
MAYA
Aren't you supposed to tap that cane
when you walk around?
Xander fiddles self-consciously with the cane.
XANDER
Yeah... Keep forgetting to do that since
I can see anything in my way. Street
signs are another issue. Made a couple
wrong turns and ended up at a slaughter
house.
LIV
Eww.
XANDER
That's all right. Needed to find that
place anyway.
LIV
Why?
XANDER
Got a visitor of the vampire persuasion
coming to town. Needed to pick up some
pig's blood.
Everyone makes a face.
JORDY
Who's coming?
XANDER
Spike.
MAYA
I keep getting those two confused. Is he
the blond one or the brooder?
XANDER
Blond. He was supposed to be here a
couple of hours ago, but he hasn't shown
up yet.
LIV
What's he doing here?
XANDER
Playing bodyguard. Apparently a ways
back Angel... the brooder... helped a
woman whose unborn daughter was marked
for death. He was able to get some demon court's
protection for the girl until she came
of age.
MAYA
And let me guess... this girl, goes to
school here and she no longer has
protection?
XANDER
Give the girl a kewpie doll.
MAYA
Kind of a funky coincidence, don't you
think?
XANDER
It's life on the hellmouth. Get used to
the funk.
JORDY
What's the deal with the girl?
XANDER
Don't know. Apparently she's supposed to
do something to save the world and the
demon population isn't too happy about
it. So if Spike doesn't show up soon,
I'm going to need you guys to trail her
and keep her safe.
LIV
Who is it?
XANDER
A girl named Audrey Patrone.
Maya, Jordy and Liv give Xander a look of death.
XANDER
What? What'd I say?
Maya pulls a "Giles" and starts massaging the
bridge of her nose.
MAYA
Should have seen that one coming.
LIV
Somebody out there really hates me.
Jordy shrugs.
JORDY
Life on the hellmouth.
Maya sighs.
MAYA
Get used to the funk.
XANDER
Something tells me that if I want this
girl to live, I should start looking
for...
INT. DEMON BAR
Spike still sits at the bar drinking. Two empty
bottles of Jack Daniels sits in front of him. The
bartender is holding a third.
BARTENDER
Spike? You sure you want another bottle?
Spike drunkenly pulls the third bottle out of the
bartender's hands and tries to open it.
SPIKE
'S not that we didn't have a thing. We
had a thing. 'Sit was a great thing.
Well greatish. Good. Maybe okay.
Spike clumsily opens the bottle.
SPIKE
Then that cookie dough boy nancy peach
shows up and talks about eating her raw.
Spike tries to pour the booze into a glass but
misses. The bartender guides the bottle to the
glass and pulls out a towel.
SPIKE
Then the whole thing went kablooie.
BARTENDER
Went back to her old boyfriend huh?
SPIKE
No she started using some new metafloor.
That's not it. Metafloor? Metaforest?
BARTENDER
Metaphor?
SPIKE
That's it! Said something like we had
something...
Spike's head starts wobbling around like he has no
control over it...
SPIKE
Something...
Spike's eyes roll back into his head as Spike
passes out. Just before his head hits the bar with
what should be a resounding "thwack" we...
CUT TO:
INT. FUNERAL HOME - LATER
It's Haley's funeral reception, and most of the
high school is there. Audrey reigns court over all
her cheerwenches.
AUDREY
...special you know? But not like me. I
mean Haley could tumble and be tossed with
the best of them. But when it when it
comes choreographing routines, I'm the
poo.
All the cheerwenches nod and murmur agreement like
the sheep they are.
Liv, Maya and Jordy stand watch over Audrey from a distance.
While everyone else is dressed nicely Liv is
dressed in her leather pants and t-shirt and Maya
is dressed in work out clothes and Jordy looks
like his usual rumpled mess.
LIV
Audrey? Audrey Patrone is supposed to
save the world? Is this some kind of
sick joke?
JORDY
Did Audrey just call herself "the poo"?
MAYA
People keep staring at us.
LIV
Well if we knew we would be coming here,
I would have dressed appropriately.
JORDY
I wouldn't have.
LIV
Yeah. You're a rebel.
MAYA
This sucks. When is Spike going to get
here?
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM Xander is on
the phone.
LUCY
(filtered)
Hey Sweetie.
XANDER
Hey yourself.
LUCY
(filtered)
That guy show up yet? I was hoping to
see Liv before she went on patrol.
XANDER
Not yet. He was supposed to be here
before noon.
Spike kicks open the door and drunkenly staggers
into the room. Xander sighs.
XANDER
Oh wait. I think hear him at the door.
Let me call you back.
(hangs up)
Hey Spike. Ever hear of knocking?
SPIKE
Not taking any chance with that hairy
dog boy of yours.
XANDER
Are you drunk?
SPIKE
No. Why you wearing sunglasses? Who do
you think you are? Corey Hart?
Xander sighs.
XANDER
I'm blind Spike.
SPIKE
Oh that's right. Lost another one. Guess
you're really not having any fun and
games now.
XANDER
Yeah. Thanks. Never heard that one
before.
SPIKE
But on the plus side, no more pirate
jokes.
XANDER
You sure you're not drunk?
SPIKE
I'm not drunk!
(blinks hard. spins his head.)
Why's the spin rooming?
Spike head wobbles a couple of times; his eyes
roll back into his head and he falls flat on his
face. Xander just sighs.
XANDER
I'll make some coffee.
INT. FUNERAL HOME
Liv's on her cell phone.
LIV
Okay. Yeah. Got it.
(hangs up)
Spike's passed out drunk. So it's up to us now.
If anyone has a gun, I'd appreciate it
if they'd just shoot me now.
MAYA
Well nothing bad has happened yet. Maybe
nothing will happen.
Liv and Jordy just look at Maya.
MAYA
I'm going to find some wood to knock on;
then I'm going outside, turning around
three times; curse and then I'll spit.
Maya leaves.
JORDY
I'm with the blond.
Jordy follows her.
LIV
Somebody just shoot me now.
ANGLE ON:
Audrey and her cheersheep.
AUDREY
To say she's replaceable is an
understatement. No, I mean an overstatement.
What kind of statement am I talking
about?
RASPY VOICE(OS)
Audrey...
AUDREY
One of you guys need a zinc cough drop?
Because if you got a cold, I don't want
any of it.
All the sheep look at Audrey with confusion.
RASPY VOICE(OS)
Audrey...
AUDREY
Seriously... Who's saying that?
All the girls shrug and mutter something to the
affect of they hear nothing.
AUDREY
Fine. Whatever. Why don't we all go pay
our respects to Audrey's mom. Remember
she's an alcoholic, so don't bring it
up. It's not polite.
RASPY VOICE(OS)
Audrey.... Over here...
Audrey sighs with exasperation and turns toward
the sound of the voice.
AUDREY
You know this isn't funny.
Audrey looks toward the source of the voice and
only sees... a coffin.
AUDREY
Oh this is totally not cool. This is
like a funeral. Show some respect.
RASPY VOICE(OS)
Audrey.... Please... It's important.
Audrey looks and sees that no one is near or
around the coffin. She marches over angrily.
AUDREY
Whoever this is, this is not...
Audrey lifts open the coffin and is horrified by
what she sees.
AUDREY
...funny.
Haley's twisted and charred corpse looks up at
Audrey with her empty sockets.
HALEY
(with the raspy voice)
Whatever you do don't give Maya a spot
on the squad. I hate that bitch.
Off Audrey's screams of bloody murder we....
GO TO BLACK
END ACT I
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