Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy & Co. Joss Whedon and the WB do. No copyright infringement intended.
Author’s Note: This takes place in the second season after “When She Was Bad” but before “Reptile Boy”. It also splits off here from Buffy’s brief drinking incident in that ep.
NOTE: Oh..this sign: +++ means that it is a dream sequense.
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Part Five
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+++"I'm not allowed to give up on you," Sir Joshua Dale said as he continued to pace the darkness of her dream. "And even if I could, I wouldn't. I believe in you, Slayer, even if you refuse to have faith in yourself."
"Then you're believing in a lost cause," Buffy replied. "I can't do it anymore. I can't risk anymore lives. It's not my place. Do you know what it feels like to lose one of the few people in the world who honestly gives a damn about you? And to know that it's your fault?"
"As a matter of fact, I do. I was a Watcher but I was also a Knight of the Round Table. I watched my king die. And worse, I watched him killed by my mortal enemy."
"King Arthur is a legend."
"As are vampires. But in this case, Buffy, they are both truths. That is irrelevant now. All that matters is you. The world needs you."
"No..the world needs a fearless Slayer. Not me." Buffy replied.
"Do you understand that even if you refuse your birthright, they will continue coming for you? You are the Slayer..the power that flows through your blood..the undead can feel it."
"You're saying that I am destined to die by being given a hickey. Well fine..I don't care..do you understand..I don't care anymore." She rubbed a tear from her eye. "I'm so tired of it all. Of waking up in the middle of the night afraid to look under my bed while the rest of the world has accepted that there is nothing to fear.."
"All Slayers have fear, Buffy. That is universal. The secret is learning to fight it. You have more to offer the world than any of your predecessors but you also have more inner turmoil than any of the others. If even a part of you desires life, you must learn to conquer that which torments you. You can be great, Slayer but you must find the strength within yourself to fight for that."
Buffy looked away from him and then finally back up and said in a very small voice, "I don't know how."
Dale put his hand on hers, "Draw from that which gives you peace." He started to walk away but then he turned and looked at her, "And I'm not talking about the JD, Slayer."+++
* * *
Buffy woke with a start. She tried to sit up but her body protested so she heeded it's warning and remained horizontal. She blinked back a tear of frustration and tried to figure out where she was. It looked like a large white room with an abundance of instruments and gadgets..
"I'm in a hospital room." Buffy murmured to herself. She glanced down at her arm and saw that she had a plastic tube attached. She could feel oxygen seeping into her nostrils through a tube under her nose. Irritated, she lifted her hand up to brush it away but immediately dropped it back when she felt a wave of pain rush up her arm. She glanced down at the hand and saw the red-spotted gauze bandage wrapped around it. She sighed. Closing her eyes, she allowed her mind to drift back to the ocean. The cool breeze drifting through her hair, the taste of the air..the..the words she'd said to Cordelia.
Even through the fog of her mind, she could still remember telling Cordelia to mind her own business. It wasn't the first time. And yet this was different. When she'd asked Cordy for the ride to the coast, part of her had been genuinely suprised that the dark haired girl had immediately said yes. At first Cordelia had remained quiet but it'd been obvious that the wheels in her head had been spinning. And yet she'd remained silent until half the bottle of JD had been gone and then she'd spoken up with her anti-drinking message. What did she know.
Buffy moved her head slightly to the side so that she could see the rest of the room but it didn't take long for her to realize that she was alone. A cold chill worked it's way up her spine and she shivered. Nowadays she hated being alone. The irony of that was that as of late, even surrounded by her friends, she'd felt completely and utterly alone. Just the same...
She took a deep breath and lifted her injured hand up. As expected, it protested loudly and painfully. She grit her teeth but continued to turn her hand as she examined the now rapidly spotting gauze. It was obviously bleeding again. She considered calling for a doctor but that wasn't really the type of human company she craved. God, when had things gotten so complicated?
She closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing but all she could feel was the steady pounding of her head. That and it felt heavy. Almost like her mind was in water. Drugs no doubt. They'd probably given her a sedative laced with a painkiller. Wonderful. Well that shot deep thinking right to hell and backwards.
And yet somehow, the events of the past two weeks managed to seep through a small hole into her brain and she saw all the images playing themselves out like a slide-show. Will's "death" at the warehouse; Xander telling her it was all her fault; the nausea and then the drinking.
It'd been so much easier before. There had been a time when the alcohol had truly provided an escape and no one had really cared that she was smashed because everyone around her had also been drunk. Those were the old days back in Los Angeles. Before she'd become the Slayer. Before.
Now it was just a cop-out. A way to forget for a few hours that the fate of the world and especially those around her lay very much in her young hands. It was crazy and very little of it made sense to her. Why was she the Chosen One? Why not someone smarter, older or even stronger..both physically and mentally? Why choose a child?
Still gritting her teeth, she moved her hand up to the tube beneath her nose and brushed it away. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Why did it hurt so much to accept her birthright? And dammit why couldn't the Watchers' Council have also added the ability to stop feeling along with the intolerance of alcohol that had come with her Slayers' introductory package.
"Buffy?"
The Slayer blinked and looked up at the doctor standing in the doorway. He made his way into the room and over to her bed. He lifted her hand up and began to examine it.
"I'll have a nurse come and redress this. Other than that, how are you feeling?"
"Tired and groggy."
"The after-affects of the drugs, I'm afraid. Frankly I'm suprised to see you awake so quickly. I had expected you to sleep for at least another three hours. Your family and friends have been in and out of here all night."
"They have?" Buffy asked, truly suprised. It was true that Xander had apologized for his harsh words the night of the warehouse fire but somehow, she'd been unable to shake her memory of them or the sneaking feeling that somewhere in his soul, he truly meant those words. And Willow..surely she had to harbor some resentment towards the Slayer..it was inevitable. Frankly, Buffy was astonished that any of them were still around.
"You really don't give them enough credit,Buff," a soft male voice said from her side.
"Sure..your parents are down in the cafeteria and your friends I believe are just outside..would you like me to get them?" The doctor asked.
"Say yes, Buffy." The other voice said.
"Yes," she repeated before quickly saying," No..I mean..not yet..can I have a few moments to collect myself?"
The doctor nodded and smiled. "I'll have the nurse come in to fix your hand." With that he stood up and left. As soon as he was gone, Buffy turned to the speaker.
"Pike."
"Missed me?"
"Not really..I thought you finally went home." Buffy hissed beneath her breath.
"Nah..I was lingering. Just because your immediate psychological crisis was averted doesn't mean I got my wings. I just wandered for awhile." Pike replied.
"I really don't need your help," Buffy said softly.
He grinned and shook his head, "That's what ya said last time. Now if I recall you almost got yourself killed because you tried to push everyone away. Just like now. Same results except this time we got some liquid involved."
"You drank," she whispered.
"That's true..I did. I'm dead..you're not. You're the Slayer..I'm a ghost..you see my point."
"Besides annoying me? No.." she replied, looking away.
He touched her face and turned her towards him," Buffy..the world.."
"Needs me..I know. Been there, done that.."
"But you can't move on. Now as I was saying before you oh so rudely interrupted me..as if that's anything new..the world needs you but your friends need you more. Have you ever stopped to consider what your death would do to those around you?"
"What?" Buffy asked, truly astonished. "What are you talking about?"
"You've gotten yourself so immersed in your guilt amd your pain and this stupid death-wish of yours that you've forgotten to open your eyes and look around. You remember how much it hurt when you thought Willow was dead? Well it's no different from what they will feel if you die."
"That's bullshit." Buffy replied, turning away from him. With her head against the pillow, she stared out the window and into the dark sky. An involuntary shiver worked it's way through her body.
"You're still cold," Pike murmured, sitting next to her on the bed.
Without turning, the young Slayer replied softly, "I've been cold for a very long time now."
"And I'm guessing it has nothing to do with hypothermia."
"Give the man..or ghost..a prize..he's hit the jackpot."
"Buffy..you need help. What you've got..they call it clinical depression. You need help." Pike said, putting his hand lightly over her bandaged hand.
"How can you know what I need when I don't even know?" Buffy replied, turning to stare at him. "And what the hell right do you have to tell me anything about depression? You weren't always chipper boy."
"That's not the point and you know it. Buffy..I had normal depression but I never did to myself what you're doing to yourself. You're falling apart, girl and it's scaring the hell out of me."
"We're done with this conversation," Buffy whispered,turning away from him again. She pulled her hand away and winced as the pain shot up her arm. A thin stream of blood seeped down her arm.
"Buffy.."
"This conversation is over, Pike. Go the hell away." Buffy replied coldly.
"Ms. Summers?"
Buffy spun around quickly. Too quickly and her entire body felt it. She moaned and clenched her teeth in a furious effort to hold off the waves of nausea that threatened to overtake her. The nurse was at her side instantly.
"It's okay. Take a deep breath. Don't fight it."
Buffy whimpered as every instinct in her body insisted on fighting the darkness that was blurring her vision. Her jaw clenched hard and her eyes shut tight as she felt herself falling. She allowed another small cry of protest and then there was nothing but blackness.
As it swam around her, enveloping her, she felt her resistance flowing away until finally it was gone. And suddenly nothing else mattered.
* * *
Xander woke with a start. Mildly disorientated, he glanced around the darkness of his surroundings quickly. His eyes locked on the gleam of the moon catching on the glass of a picture frame. He turned the light next to his bed on and stepped over to it. Picking it up, he ran a hand over it. Inside the frame was a picture of he, Buffy and Willow all tumbled on top of each other. It had been taken the day of the tackle Xander game. He smiled when he thought about how he'd seen the exact same picture in both Will and Buffy's rooms.
"Xander?"
"Hey, Will." Xander murmured, putting the picture back down. "What are you still doing up. It's..." he glanced at the digital clock, "Three in the morning."
"Couldn't sleep. Guess you couldn't either. It was nice of your mom to let me sleep here tonight."
"What? That's crazy talk...you're family. And you're right..I couldn't sleep."
"It's the whole Buffy thing, right? It's got me wigged too. I talked to her mom earlier today..she's scared. She says Buffy has been having violent outbursts..she broke the mirror in her room."
"Damn..well yeah..I guess you could say it's the Buffy thing but it's more than that, Will. It's well..more." Xander stammered out. He looked up at her, "I'm scared about what's happening to her..I'm scared about what's happening to all of us..dammit...I almost lost you."
She stepped behind him and stood on her on her tippy-toes. She wrapped her arms around his chest and placed her chin on his shoulder. The motion reminded him of how Buffy had tried to comfort him the night of Willow's "death". And how he'd pushed her away. Literally. No matter what anyone said, Xander knew that if he'd allowed Buffy to help him which would have in turn helped her, then none of this nightmare would be happening.
"Where are you?" Willow asked softly as she released her hold and moved around to his front. She took him by the arm and led him over to the bed. They both sat down. "Talk to me."
"I was just..ya.." he looked away. "I guess something’s never change. I still can't say a sentence without sounding like a fool. Sucks to be me."
"Articulation is over-rated," Willow reassured him.
Xander gave her a sad look. "Maybe...but you never seem to have a hard time with it."
"Then you haven't been paying attention. Xander," she took his hand in between hers, "You and I..we've never needed words..it's always been good like that..."
"Will..do you understand I almost lost you? Do you? And I couldn't deal with that.."
"But you didn't and it's okay. It's all going to be okay."
"God, how are you so brave about this..it had to be scary..I mean..it was awful for me and.."
"I'm okay." Willow said quickly. He opened his mouth to protest but something in her eyes silenced him. "Everything's going to be okay. We'll work through this.."
"What if we don't? What if Buffy never gets better?"
"She will get better," Willow replied firmly.
"But if she doesn't..then we are going to lose her."
She turned and placed a firm hand on each of his shoulders, "Listen to me..we're not going to lose her. She will pull through this. Somehow..someway..and if she won't do it for herself then we will."
"But.."
"No buts. We are not going to lose her." They stared at each other for a moment and then Xander sighed and fell back against her. She brushed a tendril of hair away from his forehead and smiled slightly as she held him tightly in her arms.
* * *
"How are you feeling this morning?" Giles asked cautiously. He gazed over at the young Slayer standing in the doorway and couldn't stop the chill that ripped through him. She looked so apprehensive..so very scared. While part of him insisted that it was good that she was feeling anything all..the rational part of him said that fear was not the emotion he was going for.
"Tired," Buffy replied quietly. "But I'm fine. I'm ready to train."
"I don't think that's a good idea," Giles replied, not looking at her. He glanced down at the sword in his hand. Discarding it, he took a step closer to her. Not all that surprisingly, the Slayer moved a step backwards and hit the wall.
"And why not?" Buffy demanded. "I thought you guys all wanted me to do the Slaying thing."
"Yes..um..well yes..but not in your well..present condition."
Her eyes sparked dangerously, "And just what is my present condition, Giles? I'm here, aren't I? Back at school..just fine."
"Let me see your hand."
Buffy quickly moved her bandaged hand behind her. It'd been three days since she'd been released from the hospital and it was still hurting. "I'm fine. There is no present condition. Now, shall we train?"
"Buffy.."
"Come on, Giles, attack me." Buffy said coldly, drawing herself up. "Don't tell me you're scared.."
"Buffy...I am scared. For you. You're not yourself.."
"And lemme guess...you think that makes me a danger to myself and everyone around me. Well guess what..been there, done that..now come on, Watcher..make me hurt."
Giles looked up at her in alarm. He searched her eyes frantically for some spark of the old Buffy but all he saw was a dark, cold emptiness that frankly terrified him. When he finally found the voice to reply, it was barely more than a whisper and even that was all he could do not to allow his emotions to get the best of him, "I won't attack you. I think you should get to class now."
Buffy took a step towards him, "I said attack me." Her voice was low, almost a growl.
"No." Giles turned his back to her and started leafing through a book on the closest table. He wanted so desperately to help her but he could plainly see that with her as out of it as she apparently was, it was a wasted effort.
"Don't you walk away from me, you self-righteous son of a bitch!" Buffy screamed. He felt her presence near him just moments before she slammed him to the ground with all of the force of a Slayer. His head sounded out the musical scales as it connected with the floor. He groaned and tried to blink away the swirling colors. Through it, he managed to look up and see Buffy hunched over him holding her fist just inches above his face. He knew for damn certain that if she brought it down, he'd be in a world of hurting that would be with him for a long time.
"Buffy!"
The Slayer spun, fist still poised but now trembling slightly. Giles took the opportunity and managed to crawl out from under her. He felt an arm loop around his back begin to lift him. He nodded a quick thank you to Xander.
"Buffy, what are you doing?" Willow implored desperately.
For a moment there was silence and then Buffy's eyes went wild. She stared down at her fist and started to shake. Looking over at Willow, she replied, "I don't know..God help me..I don't know." She glanced at Giles, "I'm sorry.."
"Buffy, you need help. Let us help you.." Giles begged.
She shook her head frantically, "No..I'm fine. I just lost control..I'm fine." Willow tried to reach out for her but Buffy managed to dodge her. "I'm fine..just..just let me deal with this on my own."
And with that she threw up her hands and fled the library before the others could see the tears streaming down her cheeks. Willow looked over at Xander and Giles, "I think our problem just got worse."
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