Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy & Co. Joss Whedon and the WB do. No copyright infringement intended.
Author’s Note: This takes place in the second season after “When She Was Bad” but before “Reptile Boy”. It also splits off here from Buffy’s brief drinking incident in that ep.
NOTE: Oh..this sign: +++ means that it is a dream sequense.
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Part Four
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The cool coast air whipped through her hair, blowing it back and sometimes into her face. Her companion snuck peaks at her but remained oddly quiet. She stared out at the mountains far in the distance and allowed her mind to slip into the past. Into a time when the horrible pain that had consumed her had been easy to numb. Now numbing that pain meant almost certain death. The problem was, she wasn't sure she minded anymore.
Without looking down, she picked up the half empty bottle off of the ground next to her. She started to lift it to her lips but a hand settled over hers. "You don't need this," Cordelia Chase said softly.
"What do you know of what I need?" Buffy replied icily, yanking her hand away. Shaking her head, she started to lift the bottle upwards.
"Buffy.."
"Look, Cordelia, I asked you to come with me because I don't have a car and I really needed to see the beach. I don't want conversation and I could really do without your 'favors', okay? I didn't come here for that."
Cordelia reached out and grabbed the bottle, "And I didn't come here to watch you get drunk. Believe me, whatever you're going through..you don't need this. It doesn't make it better."
Buffy stared back at her for a moment, the voices circling in her head and offering their unsolicited opinions. As Cordelia watched the girl fight for some type of control, she saw Buffy's brow began to crease. The Slayer was getting angry. Buffy reached out and grabbed the bottle again.
"You're out of line. You don't know anything about me.." Buffy replied, her anger sobering her up. She started to stand but everything fell out of focus for a moment. She almost fell over but even half drunk her Slayers' skills cut in and she held her ground. A week ago, the alcohol mixed with the blood loss and concussion had dropped her and almost gotten her killed. Two weeks ago she would have cared.
"I know enough to say that you have something that I don't..something that if I had, I wouldn't trade for anything in the world." Cordelia replied evenly. Her eyes locked on the bottle swinging in Buffys' hand.
"And what's that, Cordy? Do tell..is it the fact that I'm not likely to reach the legal age to drink? Or maybe the fact that everyone who says hello to me is as good as dead. You're right, now that I look at it like that..I do have something great."
"I honestly don't know why I'm even bothering..you're already smashed," Cordelia said shaking her head. Then she took a deep breath. "I didn't come here for this."
"Why did you come here? Am I your good deed for the month?" Buffy taunted as she started to walk about. Her walk was unusually odd and completely without rhythm or grace and it rather looked like if she hit much more than a pebble, she could very well topple.
"No, I came here because I thought I could help and you need help. I've been where you are now."
"I don't think you know what the hell you're talking about," Buffy shot back.
"More than you know. Although I must admit..you're a much meaner drunk than I ever was." Cordelia replied thoughtfully.
"So..when you're drunk you're nice. Well that's a change because usually you're a raving bitch." Buffy said, stepping closer to Cordelia. Her words were taunting and inflammatory and yet no matter how much Cordelia searched, she still couldn't find a fire in the Slayers's eyes. Admittedly Buffy had been through hell in the last six months but she had been under the impression that Buffy had dealt with her demons. Perhaps such a conclusion had been premature.
"You need help..do you understand me? If you're not going to accept it from those people who really do care about you,then accept it from me. We're never going to be friends but for some reason I can't quite grasp, I do care whether or not you destroy yourself."
Buffy turned away from her, "I don't want your help."
"Well, frankly I don't see that you have much of a choice. We're almost an hour from Sunnydale and we're in my car and we're not leaving here until I can find someway to get through to you." Cordelia replied, hands on hips.
"Why do you care?" Buffy asked, "I don't..what do you get out of this?"
"Let's just say I owe you." Cordelia replied.
Buffy snorted derisively and started to pace again, this time dangerously close to the edge of the sandy bluffs she and Cordelia were on. "Fine, I release you from your debt. You no longer owe me anything."
"It's not your right to do that," Cordelia whispered, looking down at her hands. "I owe myself this as much as I owe you."
"No..what did you say before..'embrace your pain'..well you know? I'd rather do that alone..thank you." Buffy started to turn away. She brought the bottle to her lips and was about to take a drink from it when Cordelia reached out and pulled it from her hand. With a dramatic motion she threw it to the ground and it shattered. The liquid poured out into the dirt and Buffy stared at it in shock. The she reacted.
Spinning around she delivered a vicious right hook to Cordelia's jaw. Were it not for the fact that her strength was dulled by the alcohol, she would have easily broken the taller girls' jaw. As it were Cordelia gasped and fell to the ground. She looked up at Buffy astonished and saw absolute horror in the Slayers' eyes. Buffy shook her head, her lips moved as if speaking but no words came out. For a moment the girl swayed as if she would collapse but then she turned and ran.
Massaging her jaw gently, Cordelia called after her but the Slayer continued to run. She watched until Buffy disappeared behind a spray of rocks and then she pushed to her feet. There was a moment of nausea and then it cleared up. Still staring at the rocks, she pulled her cellular phone from her pocket and began to dial.
* * *
Buffy ran for as long as her body would allow her and then she collapsed to the dirt with only her hands breaking her fall. She felt a jolt of pain rush up her arm from her injured hand and then a strange wetness but she ignored it as her stomach clenched hard. A moment later, unable to stop herself, her stomach began to heave violently. She felt herself losing consciousness and yet the dry-heaving continued. It'd been at least a week since she'd been able to hold anything down and her body was feeling it. She started to tremble as a cold chill ran through her body. A voice in her head whispered, "Girl, you're out of control."
That only made it worse.
* * *
Darkness had settled over the beach before Giles' metal antique pulled into the parking lot. Xander and Willow practically flew out of the backseat and towards where Cordelia was standing by her BMW. Giles and Calendar weren't much slower.
"Where is she?"Xander asked.
Cordelia shook her head. "I don't know. She, uh..ran off that way." She pointed towards the rocks.
"It's been at least an hour since you called..she could be anywhere," Giles murmured.
Cordelia shook her head, "No..not in her shape." She rubbed at her jaw.
"What happened to you?" Willow asked, only quickly sparing a glance.
"Buffy hit me when I broke the bottle," Cordelia replied, pointing towards the broken glass on the ground.
"You're lucky she didn't break it, she is the Slayer." Giles reminded her. Cordelia gave him a look and then wrapped her arms tightly about her. The wind had kicked up enough to make it plain downright cold.
"Nice breeze tonight," Xander said with a small grin. Both Willow and Cordelia gave him dirty looks. Willow nodded her head towards Cordelia and then arched her eyebrow. Xander frowned and then removed his jacket. Sighing dramatically,he stepped over to her and offered it. She took and thanked him.
"Willow, would you get the blankets out of the car." Giles instructed. "It's cold enough that if she went in the water at all, she could be suffering from hypothermia." Willow nodded.
"We should split up," Calendar suggested.
"Good idea..."
"Will and I will take the beach..why don't you and Ms.Calendar take the rocks?" Xander said quickly as he took a blanket from Willow and put it under his arm.
"What about me?" Cordelia asked.
Willow looked up from the first aide kit she was rooting through and sighed, "I guess you can come with us."
* * *
+++"You are the Slayer. Lives depend on you. We've been through this. Why do you fight your destiny?" Sir Joshua Dale said turning towards her. His sandy blonde hair blew in a wind only he felt and his icy blue eyes seared straight into her soul.
"I can't do this anymore," Buffy replied, tears streaking down her face.
Dale sighed dramatically, "It's your destiny. You can only hide for so long before you must face that which is yours. You are the Chosen One."
"And look where it's gotten me. Death, despair, tragedy.."
"Alcoholism," Dale interrupted. "Perhaps your Watcher never told you but Slayers' are especially susceptible to alcohol and drugs. It has something to do with one of the first Slayers' dying because of excessive alcohol abuse. Her death was passed on through the generations but not in the dreamworld like most of the Slayers. Turns out it's actually embedded in your powers which is why you could handle liquor a lot better before you were the Slayer."
"What are you saying?"
"Well, I'm saying you need AA." Dale sighed. "Mostly though I'm telling you that you can't walk away from your destiny."
"And who are you to tell me anything?" Buffy replied defiantly. "You're just some figment of my imagination...albeit a creative one.."
Dale snorted, "I was a Watcher back in the days of King Arthur. The name is Sir Joshua Dale. A plain name at the time but a member of a family well respected in the Kings' court and especially by Lady Guinevere. But that is another story. I have been sent here to help you."
"Why does everyone want to help me?" Buffy cried out.
"Because you are the Slayer." Dale replied easily. "And because the Council of Watchers believes that you are by far the most promising Slayer ever. If you can fight your demons, you can survive this."
"You don't speak like a knight of the Round Table." Buffy replied stubbornly. "And this is just some sick joke my mind is playing. Well understand this..I'm not buying."
"You doubt me, Slayer?" Dale replied, astonished.
"I doubt everything.."
"Then that will be your downfall.." Dale said, shaking his head sadly. He stepped back into the darkness of her dream and vanished. She almost lifted a hand to stop him but instead fell to her knees, crying.
"Don't cry, Slayer. Not yet, we have so much to do. So very much." A new voice said above her. She looked up and into the eyes of her greatest enemy..the Master. With an evil grin, he reached his hand down and over her throat. As her windpipe began to collapse, she heard him say, "Did you really think you could destroy me?"
"No.." she whimpered. "Please, just finish it. Please..."+++
* * *
They were able to hear her before they saw her. And it echoed in their hearts. They heard her gasping for air as she cried hysterically and begged some unseen force to finish her. When they finally saw her, lying, soaked by the high tide, on the beach, she was thrashing frantically, a hand at her throat.
"Buffy!" Willow cried out, grabbing Xanders' hand and pulling him towards the fallen Slayer. They both skidded to their knees. Willow looked at Xander,"We need to get her away from the water." Xander nodded and they both took an arm and pulled her to higher ground. Willow lifted her up and Xander and Cordelia began to wrap the blanket around Buffys' shaking body. And still the girl pleaded.
"Buffy, wake up." Xander said, lightly slapping her cheek. He looked up at Willow who moved closer. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small capsule. She broke it and waved it under Buffys' nose and the Slayer came away with a violent jerk that sent Xander flying backwards.
"No!" Buffy cried, reaching out and grabbing Willow by the shirt. Willow placed her hand over Buffys' and eased the grip. She was alarmed to discover blood streaming down the Slayers' arm from her lacerated hand.
"It's okay, you're okay..we're going to get you to a hospital. It's going to be okay," Willow murmured, pulling her distraught friend into her arms.
If Buffy heard her, she showed no sign of it. She continued to tremble, her teeth chattering together. "So cold..so cold."
Giles and Calendar raced down the beach and took in the scene; Xander and Cordelia hunched over Willow who was cradling the shivering Slayer in her arms. Giles gave Willow the second blanket and she wrapped that one around Buffy also. "We need to get her to the car," Giles murmured.
Calendar leaned forward and checked Buffy's pulse and then she checked the girls' pupils. "Hypothermia has set in..we need to get her to a hospital."
"Right," Giles leaned over and took Buffy from Willow. Making sure that the blankets remained around her, he lifted her against his chest and nodded to the others. "Let's go."
* * *
Joyce Summers paced in the hallway, her fingers laced together behind her back, her posture painfully straight and her expression distant. Hank placed a hand on her shoulder and turned her towards him. She blinked and then gave him a small, insincere smile. How could she be expected to do anything more that? Afterall, her little girl was lying in a hospital bed being treated for hypothermia and a severely lacerated hand.
"Buffy's going to be alright," Hank said softly.
"We've been telling ourselves that all along, haven't we?" Joyce countered. "It's easier that way. Easier may not get us through this though, Hank. She's not a child anymore. She's been through too much to be that.."
"Mr. and Mrs. Summers?" A calm voice said from behind them. They turned and looked at the doctor.
"James Cross." He said by way of introduction. He shook hands with them. "First off, I want to tell you that Buffy is going to be alright. She was suffering from the initial stages of hypothermia along with exhaustion and malnutrition. From what I understand that has to do with her being unable to keep food down."
"But she's alright?" Joyce asked. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Xander and Willow lean in so that they could hear what was being said. The two teachers and Cordelia were elsewhere in the hospital still presumably looking for the gift shop to find some reading material that they weren't going to read anyways.
"She will be. We'd like to keep her over-night for observation but she's free to go in the morning. I would also like to suggest scheduling a counseling appointment for her downstairs."
"Counseling?"
"Your daughter had a rather significant amount of alcohol in her system. That coupled with what you've told Nurse Peters has been going on with her these last couple of weeks has put her in an extremely vulnerable place psychologically. I tried to speak to her a few moments ago and..well it's apparent that she's very confused."
"How do you mean, Doc?" Hank asked, worried.
"She was rambling on about vampires and knights of the Round Table and such. The stuff of nightmares," the doctor replied. "It may just be the painkillers we gave her for her hand..just the same..after everything she's been through..it wouldn't be such a bad idea for her to talk to a counselor."
"Thank you," Joyce said softly. "Um..can we see her?"
"Sure, for a few minutes at least. We've given her a sedative so that she will be able to have at least one good nights' sleep."
* * *
"Baby?" Joyce asked, sandwiching her daughters' unlacerated hand between both of hers. Buffy stirred and looked up at her through bleary, red, sleep-deprived eyes.
"Mom?"
"It's me, honey. Your father and I are right here." She brushed a stray blonde tendril from Buffys' face. "We're here for you."
"Mom..you gotta get away from me," Buffy slurred. "It's not safe. They'll hurt you.."
"Who, baby? Nobody is going to hurt me or anyone else. It's okay." Joyce soothed, looking up at her ex-husband. He was wearing the same deeply worried expression that she was.
"No..you don't understand..everyone who gets close to me gets hurt," Buffy explained. "I don't want to lose you.."
"You're not going to lose anybody," Joyce said. "Buffy, listen to me..you're not thinking clearly. No one is after us."
Buffy leaned up in the bed and placed a hand on her mothers' shoulder. Joyce saw the girl wince at the pain that flowed up through her arm from her wounded hand. And still she didn't pull away. "You're not hearing me, mom. I'm the Slayer and they want me dead and they will stop at nothing..nothing to kill me. They've already killed Merrick, and Pike and Jesse and so many others and they almost got Willow. God help me..I don't want to lose you."
"Buffy..no one is trying to kill you. Honey, you're delirious." God, that sounded stupid. Buffy obviously wasn't thinking rationally. Why would telling her that make her stop?
"The vampires!" Buffy cried out, tears of frustration finding their way down her face. "I'm not delirious..you’ve got to listen to me. They want to kill me.."
"Shh, honey." Hank murmured, removing Buffy's injured hand from her mothers' shoulder. He gently pushed her back against the bed. "You need sleep."
Buffy fell against the pillow, utter defeat written on her face. "I can't protect you," she whispered. "I can't even protect myself."
"It's okay, honey." Joyce kissed her on the cheek. She nodded to Hank who also kissed his daughter and they both left the room.
* * *
"Her mother thinks she's going insane," Xander said softly. He took a bite out of his sandwich. "I'm not so sure she's off-base."
Giles sighed, "Buffy's not crazy just depressed." He looked at Willow. "She's locked herself so far inside that nothing is getting through."
"She's drinking for the hang-overs." Cordelia murmured.
"What?" Xander asked in confusion.
Cordelia blinked and looked up at them for a moment before looking back down at her mostly untouched plate of food. "She's drinking so that in the morning when she feels the pain in her body instead of her soul, she knows that she's still alive. It's easier to deal with broken ribs than it is to cope with inner demons." She looked up at the others who were watching her intently and to their amazement, she blushed and muttered, "At least..that's how I imagine it would be."
Xander shook his head, "She's so angry."
"That's not necessarily rage so much as it is pain and guilt. Buffy carries a lot on her shoulders. So much more than we realize. I rather suspected that eventually it would overwhelm her as it did after the whole incident with the Master. She dealt with that.."
"Did she?" Willow asked. "I mean..she dealt with the anger but there had to be more than that, right?"
"She never talked to us about it..I mean..not to me..Will?" Xander asked.
"We talked about the dance but nothing else. When I tried to bring it up, she said that it was all good. That she had dealt with it all." Willow said shaking her head. She growled and slammed her hand against the table. "Sorry," she offered meekly. Xander put his hand over hers and squeezed.
"And she's been under so much pressure lately," Calendar said. "With the whole Daryl thing and then Spike..and then I think maybe your 'death' was finally too much."
"Not to mention the physical strain she's been under. Since the Masters' death, her strength level has been slowly dropping back to normal levels ..for a Slayer anyways.. and she's taken more.."
"Hits?" Xander offered. Giles nodded. Xander sighed, "Well what do we do? She won't listen to any of us."
"And the way she's heading is going to get her killed." Angel said, sweeping up behind Xander. The boy jumped and then glared at Angel who smirked.
"Could you not do that?"
Angel shook his head, "I just went to see her. She's sleeping. Kinda. She's dreaming too. They'll release her in the morning and hope that everything will work itself out."
"That's not going to happen until we can get through to her," Giles said. "And for the life of me, I just don't know how to do it."
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