Chapter 8 - Ugly Place
Sometimes Xander wondered whether God had deserted him. He thought of the things he had had and lost. He thought of the things he had wanted and never got. He thought so hard sometimes, that it made his head hurt; but then he carried on thinking, pondering, because if he didn't think about what he used to have, there would be no point in living.
He used to be funny; happy. Always cynical but that was just his way. He wasn't happy anymore; he rarely cracked a joke, he wanted to, so many times; when things got so unbearable but he couldn't. First he lost his ability to smile, and then his ability to make others.
All he felt now was this overpowering, unstoppable rage. He was angry at the world; the people in it; the people out of it. He was so angry at everything and so sad that it had come to this. So sad that Anya was gone...Buffy was gone...Dawn was as good as.
And so angry that they had left him with this huge hole.
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"You don't love her do you Boss?"
Connor eyed his employee with suspicion. "Why do you ask?"
"Love is weakness. Love is pain. Love is being alive. We aren't alive anymore Boss."
"So you're telling me you don't want it? You don't want that closeness and the dependability? You're telling me; that you wouldn't give everything to have that?"
The man shrugged.
"We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives." Connor looked the man up and down. "Loving her wasn't part of the bargain. Getting that...high wasn't something I expected when I turned her. I expected sex; devotion; maybe even love from her direction...but from me?" He raised his eyebrows. "I never really contemplated it. If she makes me weak...so what? What is it to do with anyone but us?"
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Faith had never noticed just how ugly the world was getting. She'd watched her friends die; grieved in a numb daze, and never really shaken that numbness until today. She had walked around - killing things; punching things lights out - with her eyes closed, her ears closed... if she'd realised just how much things had changed then she'd have been slightly more worried about the rumbling from beneath the ground.
"Did you talk to..."-
"Angel...? Yeah, very enlightening. Was the world always so bleak?"
Willow wrinkled up her nose. "Only since I've lived in it.
What did he say?"
"A lot. Nothing of real substance." She smiled secretly. "But really? I mean, I know that since Gunn and Wes...but...has there always been so much...black?"
"Recently there's been a lot more. Ghouls and Vamps and stuff."
"I think its about time we start getting more worried then Red." Faith closed her eyes. "I really can smell it. This place is about to get a hell of a lot uglier."
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Angel looked across the room at Dawn; still pouting from her earlier telling off. He was getting worried. Worried that Connor was very close to realising just what he had lost; worried that he would come for her, and everything would be fucked up again. She looked at athe magazine beside her and wrinkled up her face.
"Hey Angel...I never knew that Michelle Pfeiffer was a Vamp."
"1834, London...Darla sired her."
"Wow...Impressive."
"We need to talk."
She glided towards Angel in one swift movement. "Is this another "Sneaking off...blahblahblah" talk...or maybe more like the heartfelt one you have with the slayer-bitch last night, cus if its that one; can we skip to the kissing because all that B.S you were spouting...not really turning me on."
"What happened to you Dawn?"
"My sister died, My boyfriend made me evil... I killed a hell of a lot of people and then got scared and pouted. I'm not her anymore. I'm not going to sit here and wait for things to get interesting Angel."
He stood up. "Then what are you going to do? Go back to Connor; to your little gansta-clique in a back alley somewhere? Waste your life; or what little of a life you have left? If you do that he'll slowly tear you apart and then some. If you go back to him you'll die at the hands of someone who once loved you...maybe Connor, maybe me, Faith, Spike, Xander... the possiblities are endless. The facts are; you leave, you die, you stay, you maybe live...what a choice for a nineteen year old to have to make eh?"
"I can see why she loved you. Buffy I mean. There are all those qualities that I can see that she wanted. You don't give up Angel. That's what I like about you. You want to help me even when you know that I'm just going to throw it back in your face, you know it, I know it... at some point in this ordeal; I will die; but who will I be fighting for? A champion is someone who gets up, even when they can't and you my friend; are a real champion."
"How long have you been unhappy Dawn?"
"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed. I don't feel anything deeply anymore except this unshakeable blood lust; I have never had free thought, first I had Mom, then Buffy, Connor...now you telling me what to think, Sure I risk life; but do I even care about life anymore? And am I needed?" She broke down. "Have I ever been needed? Have I ever been real?"
Angel folded her into his arms, unaware of the two sets of eyes that jealously followed the conversation.
Spike and Faith slunk off into the shadows.
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