Chapter 4 - Feelings
Willow couldn't sleep. Every time she came close to nodding off, Buffy appeared in her head and even if she'd been able to look past that, Faith's footsteps in the corridor were enough, in themselves to drive her insane, So she just lay awake, praying for morning, praying for answers. She was scared out of her mind that she would lose Dawn again, that she would go back to Connor and leave what was her life behind to be with him.
Willow knew what loving like that did to people, she'd seen it with Buffy and she'd felt it herself with Tara. Love like that, the kind of love you'd die for, you'd kill for, you'd leave everything for; can be either amazing or completely and utterly deadly.
"Faith stop pacing will you, come inside if you can't sleep." She shouted through her door and it opened a creak as the petite woman walked in.
"Sorry Will."
Something about the change of atmosphere in the room made Willow uneasy; she could feel this intense wave of emotion, she could smell it on Faith; she was scared and confused and she missed things being simple. Willow knew just how she felt. "What's the matter Faith?"
She sat down and looked at Willow. Scratching her head and letting her eyes suddenly be revealed. "I'm scared. I'm mad at myself for being scared. I miss Wesley so much that it hurts most days. I miss being this fearless, untouchable slayer but I also miss being able to be loved; and I mean really loved. I'm not scared without him; its nothing like that, I'm just empty and cynical. I just don't understand why he had to die" She shook her head. "and I don't get why I feel so guilty."
Willow sighed. "This past year has been hard for you. You thought you finally had something, and that was ripped away from you. Don't expect that you can just get over something like that. Don't expect that your slayer powers are about to stop you grieving for him because they don't; they wont and never will" She put her hand on Faith's and squeezed. "and don't feel guilty about loving Angel, he'd have wanted you to get on with life."
Faith smiled sadly and let the tears trickle down her soft cheeks. "Was that a witch thing or are you just really smart?"
She smiled. "I'm really smart, but yeah, read you like a book; read him too."
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Angel lay awake in the dark of his room letting his mind wander back to the days when Buffy was still with him. The days when he had Buffy in Sunnydale and Cordelia, Gunn and Wesley with him in LA. The days when he knew he loved her with all his heart; the days when Cordy looked at him told him she loved him; the night when Connor took her.
Connor had taken everything that Angel had ever loved; ever held close to his heart; ever cared for. He had killed Wesley and Cordy and had his friends torture and eventually murder Charles causing Fred to give up and walk away. Angel didn't blame her. If he could up and walk away, he would; no doubt... but he couldn't, he had to keep trying; for Buffy, for Cordy, for Faith. His eyebrows creased when he felt that, when he thought about how he felt about Faith... maybe life was about to get a little better.
He could tell how scared Faith was of Dawn, he smelt her pacing the corridors like a lost child and sensed the tired tears that ran down her face as she did. She hated Connor more than Angel ever could. He had taken Wesley from her; the day after he had told her everything, told her how he pined after her; Connor had felt his weakness and had hammered in on it but still Angel couldn't hate the child that Darla had killed herself for; he had killed friends, ruined lifes, taken things; but Connor was just a kid and Angel was a dad before he was a friend.
Fred still called sometimes; to make sure Angel was OK and he knew that she wanted him to tell her to rush back, that they needed her, but he wouldn't, they did need her; they needed her strength of mind and her realisations... but Angel wanted her to forget. Forget about the world she had been forced into, because he knew what being drawn in did to people who didn't belong in a world of demons and vampires. They either ended up dead... or evil.
He closed his eyes and let thoughts of Faith enter his mind.
-----
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordering a double shot of whiskey with ice; he closed his eyes and tried to enjoy the music and the atmosphere of a 5am LA morning. He sensed someone behind him, and with a short laugh very typical of him, he swivelled on the chair.
"Angel."
But the man behind him wasn't Angel, He smelt like Angel; he looked like Angel; he held himself like Angelus and he stunk of death. Oz found himself face to face with Connor.
"Ah. Another client? Another old Sunnydale buddy? Tell me," Connor reached out to touch him. Oz didn't even flinch. "why you looking for my Dad?"
"That's not your business Connor."
"I assure you... if its something to do with Dawn then its my business."
"Are you going to kill me or are we just going to talk all day?"
Connor smiled. "OK tough guy."
-----
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