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Reviews for Line of Duty-second edition




Raptor 06/02/06 - 03:55PM 1: line of duty Signed
DETAILED REVIEW Slayer Fanfic Archive Reviewed by- Kevin D. Cottrell, Raptor Reviewers Email: kevin82@writing.com or kevin82abn@yahoo.com URL: http://Writing.Com/authors/kevin82 Read: June 2nd, 2006 Rated 1-10: 8 Title: Line of Duty Chapter Title: Author: Fighter78 Genre: Adventure, Drama Type: BTVS Fanfiction (Past), Tales of the Slayer -Feedback- Note: The purpose of the following observations, corrections, and suggestions is to help the Author and attempt to point out the strengths and weaknesses of the piece. It is not my intention to belittle or discourage the Author who was good enough to let me read it. The following editing corrections will be in parenthesis ( ). Editing Notes: Lieutenant Rogers, or Colonel Rogers to be exact closed to (to=remove) the leather bound book and put it in the inside of his uniform. Layout: paragraph & dialogue are separated nicely. Plot: Katherine Elise Battles called from a Japanese internment camp, trained by her stepfather to be must learn what and who she is during World War II. Point of View: 1st person Protagonist: Katherine, 2nd Lt. Charles Rogers Antagonist: Vampire Guards at the internment camp Concept: This is a “Tales of the Slayer” story of Katherine Elise Battles set at an internment camp for Japanese Americans during World War II. Fight scenes: told not shown Note: this is the focus of your story, a little tip- Try, closing your eyes and picture Katherine taking out the Vampires, play the entire fight scene in your mind; before putting it to paper. Clarity: This story is very clear how it played out; you even had me fooled when finding out that he was just reading from his journal. Structure: Well put together Imagery: good Description: minimal- this is a character or characters that you have created not ones that we see on the show. You need more description. Flow: smooth, even Scene: The scenes were seamless in transition. Setting: A Japanese internment camp during World War II Senses: sight, sound, feel, Dialogue: Lieutenant Rogers needs just a few British dialogue indicators. Character Development: I love this American/ Japanese character that you have created; sadly it was a short story I would love to see more of her career. Emotion: sadness, mourning, grief, worry, fear, apprehension, Overall Feeling: I loved the plot & concept and the creation of a new slayer. Suggestions: Draw the fight scenes out more and unlike other fanfic’s a “Tales of the Slayer” story is all your creation so, it requires much more in the way of description. Keep on Writing! -Raptor






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