Creative Works   

Once Again (Page 5)
By Amy Mina
amymina(at)yahoo.com

Disclaimer: Characters such as Buffy, Angel, Xander and others belong to Joss Whedon and the WB. The few characters that I have made up such as Marissa and Jeff belong to me.
Note to Readers: This takes place before Becoming, there will probably be less blubbering reading this than watching that. *sob* Anyway, if you are looking for the next part to this story at any time and don't feel like emailing me (amymina(at)yahoo.com), check Chrystal's site first. She always gets it earlier than the other sites. The parts will probably be coming slower considering I am graduating from high school and then starting college in the summer. If it takes awhile for the next part to show up, don't panic, I am working on it! Thanks for all of the kind comments and interest!

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Part 5

Xander opened the door and held it open with his free hand and allowed Angel to step inside. Cuddling Marissa as she slept, he managed to shut the door behind him. He grunted as he moved toward the living room. I never knew how heavy she could be, he thought to himself. Lying her on the couch, Xander went to get a blanket from a closet. When he turned back towards her, Angel was sitting on the couch and held her in his lap. Xander smiled, seeing that Angel was almost asleep. Xander took the blanket over to the tired duo and draped it over them.

"'Night," said Xander heading toward his bedroom.

"Goodnight," replied Angel, yawning and lying down. He pulled Marissa close to him and fell into a peaceful sleep as Xander watched from his doorway.

. . .

Xander got up the next morning and immediately got ready for work. Walking into the living room, he saw that Angel was still asleep, his arm firmly around Marissa in a show of protection. He tiptoed past them and headed to the kitchen to begin some breakfast. He remembered the first cooking lesson that Willow had given him.

"Now," said Willow, grabbing a nearby glass bowl, "Let's start with some eggs."

"Will, why do I need to learn this?"

"You're living on your own, and you can't order from Bucky's Fondue Hut every night. You need to know how to cook."

"Why? My parents never cooked for me."

"And you hated it. Do you want your kids to have to do that?"

"Fine, what do I do?"

"Okay," said Willow, handing him two eggs. "Break these into the bowl."

Xander looked at her and tried to refrain from laughing. "Will do, Will." This task proved to be harder than he originally thought. First, he hit the very tip of the egg, and much to his disgrace, it didn't crack. He then turned it on its side and attempted to break it. He didn't hit it hard enough, and the egg was still in perfect shape. Xander lost his temper and hit it as hard as he could. It splattered all over the front of his shirt. He could feel his face redden, and Willow burst out laughing. Xander took his dirty hands and chased her all around his former apartment, only stopped by his girlfriend in the living room stepping in. Poor Cordelia was covered all over from egg. He remember running around two blocks to get away from her.

Xander laughed silently, thinking how far his cooking had come. He began to make some French toast, when he heard a little pitter-patter of feet enter the kitchen doorway. When he looked, he saw Marissa standing there, rubbing her eyes.

"Hello, Hon," said Xander. Marissa slowly walked over and put her arms around his legs. He bent down and gave the young girl a hug.

"Uncle Xander, I'm tired." She yawned in his ear, and it was all he could to keep from joining her in the yawn. When the phone rang, he picked her up and walked over to the cordless. She laid her head on his shoulder and he heard her slowly fall back to sleep.

"Hello," he said, into the phone.

"Xander," came Joyce's voice. "Is Angel there?"

"He's still sleeping. I can get him up-"

"Oh, no. Don't bother. I wanted to let him know that we are going to be there around eleven or so to pick him up to go see Buffy."

"I'll let him know."

"We also talked, and decided that Marissa should come with us. But since he is her father, we wanted to make sure it was all right with him."

"I can ask him."

"Thanks. Goodbye."

Xander hung up the phone laid Marissa back on the couch next to Angel. When he finished breakfast, he ate his part and put the extra into the fridge for when they were hungry. Grabbing his jacket, he headed out, but stopped by Angel first to let him know what Joyce had said. Angel nodded his head over and over again, saying that he understood perfectly. He agreed that if it Giles and Joyce thought that Marissa could see Buffy, he coincided with their decision. Xander hoped Angel would get up soon enough to get ready and headed out the door.

. . .

When Angel finally woke up, he found that Marissa was no longer on the couch with him. Wishing that he had his sight more than anything, he got up on his elbow and reached for his cane.

"Marissa?" he called out, standing up. He heard a set of running feet and a few thumps.

"Yes?" asked Marissa. He concentrated for a minute and couldn't decide where she was. He reached out his hand and she took it in-between her two small ones. "I'm right here, Mr. Angel."

Angel smiled slightly, and squeezed her hand. "Thank you dear. Did you have some breakfast?"

"No, I didn't want to hurt anything."

"Come on," he said, leading her in the direction of the kitchen. He took out the French toast Xander had made for breakfast and put it in the microwave. He could hear Marissa pull out a chair and sit down. Getting the sugar and butter, he gave her a piece, not sure how much she would want to eat. He sat down and joined her a minute later.

He finished his breakfast within a few minutes. Angel took a deep breath and put his fork back on his plate. "Marissa, how would you like to go see your mom?" he asked. He heard her quick gasp and felt her jump into his lap.

"Yeah! I get to see my mom! What does she look like Mr. Angel?"

Angel laughed. "Please, just Angel. Mr. Angel is just not fitting."

"Angel, I like it. Is it your real name?" She could imagine the young girl with Buffy's face looking him in the eyes, out of pure curiosity.

"No, my real name is Angelus."

"Why do you go by Angel?"

He took another deep breath, but tried to be as honest as possible. "It has some bad memories for me."

"Oh," she answered, realizing that he didn't want to talk about it. She changed the topic. "Did you know my mom?"

"Yes, I did," he said, hugging his daughter to himself.

"What was she like?"

"Full of life. Very beautiful. Kind, gentle, caring, everything good you could imagine."

"What did she look like?"

"Buffy was short, only a little over five feet. She had naturally light brown hair that she used to bleach so that it was dirty blonde. From what your grandmother told me, you have her exact same face."

"Did she love my father?" asked Marissa.

"Very much."

"What did he look like?"

"Well," began Angel, "He was very tall, dark, your color hair, kinda quiet. He loved Buffy very much."

"Will I ever get to meet him?"

"Probably, someday. Now, get dressed and ready to see your mom. She might not see you, but you want to look your best." Marissa hopped off his lap and ran from the room. Angel quickly cleaned up and went to get himself dressed and ready to go. He wanted to look his best for Buffy.

By the time he was ready, Marissa was already out in the living room watching some cartoons. He hit the button on his watch to find out what time it was, and the voice reported that it was 10:48. Within a few minutes, he heard a knock on the door, and Marissa ran to answer it. He hurried after her, knowing the deadbolt was done up, and she wouldn't be able to open it.

"Grandma," said the girl, and Angel pulled the door all of the way open.

"Hello, Marissa," said Joyce. "How was your night?"

"Mr. Angel, I mean, Angel and I slept on the couch. It was like a slumber party." Angel tried not to laugh at her remark.

"Really," said Joyce. "Sounds like it was fun."

"You and grandpa can come next time," said Marissa. Joyce laughed openly by this time.

"Maybe we will. Giles is waiting in the car. Are you ready to go see Buffy?" Angel realized that Joyce was talking to him. He nodded him head. Angel slowly followed Joyce and Marissa, closing the door behind him. Joyce took his arm and helped him down the steps. Once they were in the car, Marissa began to ask more questions about Buffy and her father. Angel leaned back, letting Giles answer them. After a short ride, Angel felt the car stop. When he heard the doors open, he tried to open his as well, but couldn't find the handle. A moment later, he heard Marissa's chatter, and then his door what opened.

"See grandma, Angel needs help too." Angel felt embarrassed at her remark, and leaned forward to get out. Her hand closed around his and tried to help him. Once he was out, she grabbed his hand tighter and they walked towards the building. Angel could remember everything about it, the empty sounds in the hallway, the white walls, the patients that looked awful, and those like Buffy who always looked perfectly preened. He could recall every detail and emotion from the visits here before he lost his sight. A combination of horror, depression, and sorrow.

Marissa glance up at Angel while they were walking and looked at his face. All she could wish was that this man had been her father. He seemed to love and care about her so much already, and her real father was somewhere, it didn't really matter where, it just wasn't with her. Rubbing her fist against her face, she sniffled at the empty void in her life that only her father could fill, and it looked like it would never be filled. Looking back at the ground, she fought the tears, not wanting to show her weakness. When she sniffed again, Angel stopped and turned to bend down.

"Marissa, are you okay?" he asked. Marissa smiled, knowing that he couldn't see it, but trying to show that she was okay. "Marissa?" he questioned, his voice showing concern.

"I'm okay," she replied. "Can I borrow a tissue?"

Angel's face broke into a sudden smile. "May I, it's may I. And I don't have a tissue, but you can use my handkerchief. Is that okay?"

"Thank you," she answered. He dug in one of his pockets and pulled out a clean, black silk, handkerchief. Marissa held it in-between two of her fingers and stared at it.

"What's wrong, honey?" asked Joyce. Marissa looked at her grandmother.

"I can't use this," she replied. "I'll mess it all up, and then it won't be pretty and clean anymore." Angel began to laugh, and soon Joyce and Giles joined it.

"Go ahead and use it, Marissa," said Angel. "We'll get it clean again." Marissa wiped her nose, and stuck it in her pocket. Angel stood up and they began to walk down the hallway again. Marissa took in the surroundings around her, and watched as the doctors walked by, most sending her looks of pity. When they finally stopped in front of a door, Giles and Joyce both took a deep breath.

"Here we go," said Giles. Joyce nodded and he slowly opened the door. Marissa peeked in-between the two adults to look at her mother. The first thing she noticed was all of the machines that were around her. One of them had an annoying beeping and Marissa wished it would stop. After looking past the machines, she saw her mom. Buffy's hair was spread around her head like a halo. Marissa pulled Angel forward between her grandparents, and ran over to the bed. She bent over her mom, and took the nearest hand in her own. Taking Angel's hand, that still held hers, she replaced it with Buffy's.

She watched at Angel caught on to what she had done, and bent down. Rubbing Buffy's hand between his two, he began to cry. Marissa moved forward and threw her arms around him. Angel wrapped one of her large arms around her, feeling the feelings of guilt and despair all rush back. Marissa began to comfort him with quiet words like you would to a small child. Angel took a deep breath and repeated one phrase inside of his head-"It wasn't my fault, it was the demon." After a few moments, he got control of himself. Marissa loosened her hold, and looked at him.

"Don't worry, Mr. Angel," she said, reverting to his formal name. "I'm sure she is happy where she is."

. . .

Marissa couldn't have been farther from the truth. Buffy wanted nothing more then to get out of this body that had once been her friend. She could see herself running from alley to alley, not even sure what she was looking for. When she found it, she stopped dead in her tracks. There was Angelus, feeding from Angel. Looking on in shock, she did nothing to stop it. When Angelus was feeding, he turned around to face her, and a large grin appeared on his face.

"My dear lover," he said. "Do you realize you did nothing to stop me from feeding from the man you love, just like you never stopped me from killing and maiming all of your friends."

Buffy fully realized why she was still stuck within herself. It wasn't the guilt of Jenny and Oz's death, it wasn't even fully what happened to Angel, even though that was a large part. It was a way of escape, it had protected her from dealing with the things that she had seen everyday. The only way out, as was now the only way out of the alley, was to kill Angelus, and show self-forgiveness. Looking at him, she realized, this was the showdown.

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