"Falling Apart"
Author:
Holli
Email: summersfinn@hotmail.com
Sunnydale, 2000
Willow slammed the book closed in frustration. "Dammit! There’s nothing in these books that even pertain to the switching process or even any record of it ever happening." She took a sideways glance at Graham to see him staring blankly at the ceiling a wicked smirk on his face.
She threw the book at him, tearing him from his daydream. "Hey!" he yelled in protest, pushing the book from his chest. "What was that for?" he asked her, sliding out of the chair to stretch his legs.
"I don’t know where you were at, but you were definitely not here. You’re supposed to be working not daydreaming."
"But it was good dream!" he protested as he slid out of his chair, following Willow into the kitchen where Spike was sifting through the refrigerator. "Spike, I didn’t even realize that you were here," Graham said, ducking under Spike’s arm, grabbing the last beer.
"Hey, you bloody poof I had my eye on that!" Spike exclaimed, following Graham out of the kitchen, continuing on with his rant. "If you had been doing your research and not been daydreaming about Red, then you would b deserving of the beer, but you didn’t research so I am deserving of the beer so hand it over."
Graham looked at Spike, snickering at he popped the top of ‘Spike’s’ beer. "What are you going to do, Spike? Kick my ass? I’d like to see you try," Graham said as Xander and Anya exploded out of the hall closet, flushed with wrinkled clothes.
"Yeah, I’d like to see that, too," Xander butted in.
Spike threw up his hands as he fell onto the sofa. "Oh, look who decided to grace us with their presence. I have a question: Do you two go anywhere without having sex?" he made the mistake of asking.
Anya thought it over. "No, actually, we don’t. I’ve finally trained Xander to be a little spontaneous. We did it at Willow and Buffy’s last week," she overshared. Xander smiled weakly at Willow, watching as his best friend’s eyes widened.
"And what room did this little sex excursion take place in?" Graham asked, intrigued. His curiosity was heeded when Willow hit him. "What? I just wanted to know," he said.
"So, where are Buffy and Riley tonight? I’d thought they’d be here researching with us since we’re doing this for them," Xander said.
Willow sat down beside Graham. "No, we told them not to come just in case we couldn’t find anything. They’d spend the entire night here researching for nothing so we just told them to go out and have fun. Hopefully with all the time they’ve been spending alone lately it’ll bring them back together."
"Do you know where they were going tonight?" Graham asked her.
She shook her head. "No, I don’t, but Riley mentioned something about taking her someplace special. Not sure where, but she’s in good hands." Then quickly, added, "Figuratively speaking," when she received redeeming looks from Graham, Spike and Xander.
Buffy lay awake, watching him, listening to his steady breathing and the beating of his heart. She hadn’t been able to sleep after the night they’d had together. He’d taken her back to that club he’d taken her to a few nights before and they’d had so much fun. They’d danced and when he held her, it had felt *so* good. She had missed being in his arms. And because she’d had so much fun that night, she was left with an ache inside herself, which was why she couldn’t go to sleep.
She slipped out of his arms, pulling on her jeans that were in a heap on the floor. She then pulled on a shirt and vied for the pad and pencil on the night table. After quickly scribbling down a note to Riley, she quietly let herself out of the room, and headed out into the night.
She had no idea where she was going, but all she knew was that she needed some time to clear her head. She needed time to herself to get her thoughts in order and figure out what she was going to tell Riley. Now, predicting how he would take everything was another story.
After walking for fifteen minutes she realized that she’d wound up in front of St. Marc’s Church. Through the years she had fought with Riley about going to church, but Riley had said that he wanted to raise their children with the same morals that his family had raised him. She hadn’t objected, and remembering those talks with Riley about God and absolution she decided that maybe talking to someone could give her a better understanding of what to do.
She ran up the steps and flung open the heavy, wooden door. She crept slowly into the church, not realizing that she was staring at the vaulted ceiling and the murals until someone came up behind her and asked quietly, "May I help you, child?" She let out a small shriek and immediately regained herself when she noticed that it was a priest.
"Oh, Father, hello. I’m sorry, I just, um," she was at a loss for words. She didn’t know what to say or even how to say it.
"Are you here for confession?" he asked her. He could see that something was troubling the young woman and it made him think of the young man that had come to him for confession a few nights before. He wondered if there was a chance that this woman could be his wife.
"Confession?" she repeated. Riley’s words rung in her head: ‘Confession is good for the soul, Buffy. When you confess your sins whether they are mortal or venereal, then you get vindication. I know that when I do it, I feel better. It takes away the burden.’
Burden, boy, he had no idea. She’d done an awful lot over the years, to Riley, to herself, to the people she loved that she would love nothing more than to be forgiven for, but she didn’t even know where to start.
Before she had a chance to respond to the priest’s question, he was taking her elbow, guiding her to the pews a few feet in front of them. "Come, my child. Sit. Now, you don’t be a priest for twenty years and not know when someone is troubled. What is it that is bothering you?" he asked her.
Where to start? She asked herself. "Father, I am not a regular to church. You shouldn’t be wasting your time talking to me."
"Nonsense. I am here to serve any of those who seek forgiveness and you look like you need forgiving. Tell me what burdens you." He watched as her eyes wandered around the church walls, fixating on the mural on the ceiling. "I can tell you’re not familiar with religion."
She shook her head. "No, I’m not. My parents…I wasn’t raised in the best home. They argued a lot. I used to attend Sunday school with a friend of mine, but as I got older and after my parents’ divorced, I didn’t see the point in attending church anymore." Her eyes found those of the priest sitting in front of her. "But my husband he attends church regularly. He was brought up with a good family and good values. He’s trying to pass those on to our children. I’ve attended church with him several times, but the readings from the scriptures and everything is like blah blah blah to me."
To her surprise, the priest laughed. "Yeah, well, I was like that when I first started attending church. I wasn’t always a man of the cloth, you know."
He got her attention then. "Really?" she asked.
He nodded. "I was a rebel in my early years. I was an orphan and got bounced from foster home to foster home the majority of my teen years and I just didn’t like to follow the rules. It wasn’t until my last home that I calmed down. My parents were honest, good church going people and they made me attend Sunday Mass with them every week. I was hesitant at first, but after a few weeks I started participating more and more and I managed to turn my life around."
"But being a priest, my husband explained that you can’t have wives or children or have anything luxurious. How do you deal with that?"
"When you are truly serious about serving the Lord you know that there are certain things that you must give up, but I have never once regretted my decision. I am around babies and children all the time. As for marriage and those things that come with it, I can live without that. I’ve never experienced the gift of love and I supposed I never will. I just hope those who have hold it dear."
After the priest’s words had sunk in, Buffy lifted her head, looking straight into the priest’s eyes. "Father, I need help. My marriage is…well, it’s my fault that my marriage is falling apart. So much has gone wrong that I need to fix, but I just don’t know how go about fixing it."
"Well, my child, the only thing that I can tell you is that honesty is the best policy. It’s an old cliché, but it is a true one. All marriages have their problems; no one has a perfect marriage, but it’s those that are able to work through the difficulties and realize the love and commitment they made that truly have perfect marriages."
"I realize the love and commitment that I made to him…I love him, I just don’t know if I can live with him…be with him, after everything we’ve suffered through, gone through, and knowing what I did to him...I don’t think he’ll forgive me."
"That’s a chance you’ll have to take, then. Do you want your children to live without a father? Or do you want to disgrace the church by divorcing?"
She shook her head as a small smile crept across her face. "I told my husband that I wanted a divorce, but I told him once that I didn’t believe in divorce. I wonder if he remembers that." She shook it away. "I don’t want my children to live without a father especially knowing what a great father he is and I don't intend to disgrace the church…I just have to figure out how to make things better between myself and my husband."
"Well, my child, as I said before, be honest with him. It may not help things, it may not repair your marriage, but at least if you be honest with him about your feelings, about what you did, there could be a reconciliation in the future," he told her, looking past her where a nun was summoning him. "I am needed elsewhere. It’s been nice talking to you and I hope to hear from you soon that your marriage is better." With that said, he stood up and walked toward the nun.
But Buffy remained where she was. Honesty. For once maybe that would work. She hadn’t been fully honest about the baby and what the doctors had told her so maybe being honest with Riley could help this once.
"Buffy?" he called out, noticing that his wife was no longer cradled in his arms, as she had been when they’d fallen asleep. Riley was fully awake, realizing that he was alone. He looked around the room, searching for any sign of her in the darkened room, but there was none. His eyes drifted to her pillow and that’s when he spotted the sheet of paper. He flipped on the light and began to read:
Riley--If you’re reading this, then you woke up while I was gone. I’m sorry for leaving, but I have some thinking to do. Don’t worry about me, I’m fine and I’ll be back as soon as I can. I have some things plaguing my mind that I have to sort through. --Buffy
He lay back against the pillows, staring at the thin sheet of paper. What did she have to sort through? More decisions about their marriage? Maybe she’d thought about what he’d told her down at the pier and she was ready to start searching for a lawyer. That would be just wonderful.
He placed the scrap of paper back onto her pillow, turned over and went back to sleep, hoping that when he woke the next morning, he’d find Buffy lying next to him.
Sunnydale, 2007
Buffy lay on the living room sofa, her head resting in Riley’s lap, staring blankly at the ceiling. Angel and everyone from L.A. would be there soon enough and she wasn’t sure she wanted to see her ex-demon lover. She no longer loved Angel; that wasn’t a problem, but she knew for a fact that Angel still loved her. That’s what killed her. She had moved on…and he couldn’t.
She felt Riley’s fingers running through her hair. She closed her eyes, surrendering to his magic fingers. His fingers soon stopped caressing her scalp and she frowned a little, but she was taken off-guard when he lower his mouth to her, sweeping his lips softly against hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck as the kiss intensified in more ways than one. As she thrust her tongue into Riley’s mouth, his hand slipped beneath her shirt, cupping her breast, his fingertips teasing her nipple into erection. As his fingers danced across her skin, she moved her hands along the bare skin of his back…
Someone cleared their throat. Their lips parted and both looked up to see a not pleased Graham staring down at them. "If you two weren’t still in college then I’d be very ashamed." He was about to open his mouth to say something else when the doorbell rang. "I guess those are our guests."
She smiled up at Riley. "You know this is getting out of hand…people interrupting us. I am getting a tad pissed off," she said, sliding off him and to her feet.
"You’re not the only one," he said, letting her take his hand and lead him out of the living room into the foyer. Buffy entwined their fingers together and they leaned against the wall, waiting for Graham to open the door.
Three little boys walked in first, then she saw Wesley, Anya, Xander, Cordelia, a baby in her arms, that guy that used to work for Angel, then him. Tall, still pale and looking ever the more gorgeous, there was Angel. His eyes stopped on her and he smiled.
"Mommy!" she heard the scream from upstairs. She sprang out of Riley’s arms and started up the stairs at the same time that Willow did, neither knowing which kid the scream came from.
Upon reaching the landing they saw Kennedy sitting in front of her bedroom door, arms crossed over her chest, obviously locked out of her room by Nick and Logan. Buffy stooped down in front of the child. "What happened?"
"Logan and Nick locked me out of the room. They said that I couldn’t go in because they were going to play a game and I was a girl so I couldn’t play it with them."
"Well, you don’t need to be with the boys anyway. Come downstairs with Aunt Willow and me. You can play with Georgina," Buffy told her as they started down the stairs.
"But, Mom, Georgina’s too little for me to play with," Kennedy said.
"Well, then you can help Aunt Willow and me cook supper." Kennedy loved that idea and ran down the stairs, jumping into Riley’s arms.
Buffy caught Riley’s desire filled gaze as she walked into the kitchen, following Anya, Cordy and Willow.
Angel was standing beside Riley and thought that the look Buffy threw his way had been for him so he followed her into the kitchen. Riley, still not trustful of Angel, followed him, everyone else at his heels. He watched as Buffy hugged all her friends, staying away from Angel. He reveled in her beauty. Her blonde hair falling below her shoulders, her luscious curves, and her kissable lips…oh, how kissable they were. There was much more about Buffy that he loved, but that was the G version.
The women shooed them out of the kitchen so that they could get busy making dinner, but that didn’t quite sway he and Xander, for they made their way back into the kitchen, unobserved. Riley snuck up behind Buffy as she was putting a pot of water boiling. "You better get out of here. Willow is insistent upon this being a girl’s only room."
"Yeah, Daddy, you better get out before Aunt Willow puts a spell on you." Buffy and Riley both looked down at the child.
"Well, then I guess I better get outta here before I can spanked by your Mom and Aunt Willow turns me into a toad."
Kennedy shook her head. "Nah, Aunt Willow doesn’t like toads. She’d probably turn you into a monkey or a rat…or a snake. She said that men are snakes. Daddy, you’re not a snake?" she asked. "Is he mommy?"
Buffy looked from Riley to Kennedy. "Only sometimes, darling," smiling because she knew *she* was the one now in trouble.
"Oh, you’re going to pay for that one, Buffy, and that is a promise you can make sure I’m gonna keep." He kissed Buffy lightly on the forehead, Kennedy on her cheek, then made his way out of the kitchen, leaving the women and Xander all alone.
Walking toward the living room he caught the tailend of the conversation that was being held within. "…I’m telling you it’s perfect. Everyone knows that their marriage is on the rocks. It’s the perfect time for me to win Buffy back."
"But Angel you’re forgetting something, man," Doyle butted in.
"What’s that?" the vampire asked.
"She loves Riley. Not you. She hasn’t loved you for years. What makes you think that she’d begin to love you again?"
Angel didn’t let any doubt seep into his mind. He’d make Buffy love him again. He could do it. He could. Just as long as Riley was no where around. He could make Riley’s departure a permanent departure if he wanted to. If he couldn’t do it, he’d find someone that would.
Berkeley, 2007
Jules held the rose close to her chest as she watched the coffin being lowered into the ground. Three years she had stayed at her mother’s side only to watch as her conditioned worsened. Forrest had told her, he had tried to warn her that her mother’s condition was not getting any better, but she hadn’t listened. She was determined to keep hope that her mother would get better, but…she hadn’t.
Now here she stood at the burial site, amidst her brothers, watching as her mother was taken from her. She felt Forrest’s hands on her shoulders, but she barely paid any attention at all. Her youngest brother was clinging to her skirt, tears wracking his body and her other two brothers weren’t much better.
She wanted to get away from the pain. She needed to get away from the bad memories that Berkeley entailed. She wanted to get back to the normalcy of her life in Sunnydale. She needed to see her friends again, Buffy primarily and she knew that Forrest wanted the same thing. Turning around, she fell into her boyfriend’s embrace, lucky that Forrest had stuck by her throughout the tumultuous ordeal.
"I want to go home," she whispered against his neck as soft petals of rain began to hit the top of her head.
His grip on her tightened as he pulled her closer against his chest. He hated to see her hurting and that’s all he’d seen during the three years they’d been in Berkeley. He wanted to get her away, to somewhere where he could see her smile once more.
As they began walking through the rain back to the car, he asked, "Are you sure about going home? Is that what you want?" he asked her.
She stopped walking and looked up into his eyes. "Yes, Forrest, that’s what I want. It’s what I’ve wanted for three years. Please, take me back to Sunnydale." He picked her up in his arms and twirled her around.
"You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that." For the first time in a long time, she laughed.
Sunnydale, 2000
Willow lay on Buffy’s bed, watching as she dressed. "Are you sure you want to do that? I mean, what if he gets mad at you for lying to him. This could all blow up in your face, Buffy. You could lose him forever."
Buffy sighed, staring back at herself in the mirror. "I’ve thought about that, Willow, and it’s something that I’ll have to risk. I just can’t stand not being able to tell him that I love him and that I want to be with him. I’m tired of him reminding me of the ‘affair’ and our impending divorce and all that. I just can’t live a lie anymore. Losing Riley to the truth would be better than losing him to lies."
Buffy reached into her closet, plucking out a white dress. "What about this?" she asked Willow, holding the dress against her body.
"Buffy, you don’t know where the two of you are going yet, I’d say slum it with jeans and take a dress just in case he surprises you with a nice restaurant or something."
Buffy chewed on her bottom lip. "Good idea, I’ll just…" A knock on the door interrupted what she was about to say.
"Buffy. I need to talk to you. Can I come in?" she heard Riley ask.
Buffy quickly pulled on a sweater, then yelled, "Yeah. Come in."
Riley pushed open the door, looking from Willow to Buffy then back again. Wondering what Riley was waiting for and after the look Buffy gave her; Willow jumped off the bed, sheepishly. "Oh, right. You two want to talk alone. Um, I’ll be back…I mean, I’ll leave you two alone."
After Willow was gone, Riley sat down on the bed that Willow had just occupied. "So, what’s this all about?" Buffy asked him.
He looked up at her, realizing what she was wearing…or not wearing for that matter. The little sweater that she was wearing barely fell to her thighs; he could see that she was wearing little black silk panties.
Buffy waved her hand in front of his face. "Hello? Where’d you go?" she asked him, sitting down beside him.
He smiled at her. Why’d she have to be so beautiful? How come he couldn’t have married one of the girls from Iowa? One of those heffers. Maybe then his wife wouldn’t have had an affair.
"I’m sorry, Buffy. I just spaced out for a second. Wearing that…you’re distracting. Of course, you’re distracting in anything you wear." He grabbed her hand.
"What’s this about, Riley? You’ve evaded long enough. Are we not going out tonight? If we don’t I’m cool with it."
He shook his head. His entire body was quivering. Why the hell was he so nervous? He was asking one simple question so why in the hell was it so hard? He took a deep breath and let the words roll off his tongue. "Where did you go last night?" There he’d said it.
She stood up, letting go of his hand. "I just went for a walk, Riley. I had to clear my mind about a few things."
"And everything…you made decisions?" he asked her.
She nodded. "Yes, I managed to come to a few of them. This is what you wanted to know…about where I went?"
He nodded. "I was worried about you…I just wanted to know that you got everything that you needed settled…settled." He got up and headed for the door. He stopped with his hand on the knob. "Last night…was it about our marriage?"
"Yes…it was."
He opened the door. "Dress casual for tonight. I think you’ll like where I’m taking you." With that said, he closed the door behind himself.
After Riley was gone, Buffy sat down on the edge of the bed. When her lip began to quiver, she silently told herself, "Keep it together, Buffy. After tonight, he’ll know." She took a deep breath to steady herself, then went about continuing to get dressed.
Sunnydale, 2000
Buffy reasoned that she wasn’t sure she liked this surprise. Riley had blindfolded her and hadn’t told her where they were going. So, she had no idea what to expect. "You know if you are taking me to a pit of vampires…that is *not* my idea of a fun date, Finn," she told him as she felt the car pull to a stop. "Why’d we stop?" she asked as she heard the door close. "Riley?" she called softly.
She felt him tugging on her shirtsleeve. "Over here." He took her hand and helped her out of the car. She asked where they were, but he dodged her question telling her, "Trust me, okay? We’re almost there."
He led her to the entrance, opening the doors for her. He wasn’t about to ruin this surprise. He’d worked a few days to arrange this and there was no way that his impatient wife was going to spoil it for herself. "Stand right here and do not move. I repeat *DO NOT* move."
"Okay, okay, I won’t move," she admonished. After a few moments, Riley took her hand once more and started leading her once more. "Where are we going now?" she asked him as he squeezed her hand.
"Stop worrying," he said, pushing her into a chair. "Now I am going to take your blindfold off. I hope you like your surprise." He untied the blindfold and stepped out of her line of vision.
Her mouth dropped open as she stood up, her eyes taking in where they were. "How…why…" She turned to him. "I haven’t been here in years. Why here? How did you arrange this?" she asked him.
He smiled as she led him down the stairs toward the ice rink. He had held out hope that she would be surprised and that she would like it and from the look on her face, by the gleam in her eyes, he knew that his hopes had been granted. She threw open the door leading out onto the ice, pulling him along with her. They walked ever so carefully so as not to fall…needless to say it didn’t work. Midway into the rink, Buffy lost her balance and tumbled backward, falling into his arms.
They fell onto the ice in a fit of giggles. "This was *so* sweet of you to do. I haven’t been skating since…God, I think Angel was the last one that took me skating." At the mere mention of her ex’s name, Riley’s blue eyes clouded. "I’m sorry, Riley. I know that he’s still…and this is…I’m such a shit." She pushed off him.
"No, Buffy, it’s fine. Really. I’ve accepted Angel and what happened all those years ago. I’ve realized that it wasn’t him per se that endangered your life along with those of the twins’. You were able to forget it, so I’ll try also."
"Forget? Riley, how could I possibly forget that? He tried to kill not only me, but my children also, our children. There’s no forgetting or forgiving him for that. I loved Angel at one point of my life, but just because of that, I wouldn’t forget, I couldn’t forgive what Angelus did. I see him and talk to him, but it’s not the same. I don’t trust him anymore."
He took her hands in his. "I didn’t mean to set you off, God knows you’re uncontrollable when someone upsets you," he said, laughing softly, recoiling when she smiled as well, "but I didn’t arrange this for us to take a trip down memory lane. This was just supposed to be fun and so far it’s not turning out that way."
Buffy tightened her grip on his hands. "No, Riley, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have mentioned Angel at all. This is our time I’m ruining it." Her heart was breaking after upsetting Riley. He had put so much energy into surprising her and she’d spoiled the entire setup. She wasn’t going to give up that easily, though. "Do we have skates?"
His head popped up at her. "Sure do." He took her hand and led her back across the ice, their grips on each other’s hands tightening whenever one of them slipped a bit and almost fell. Finally they reached the entrance without breaking any limbs. Buffy slid into a chair as Riley ran up the stairs, returning with two pairs of skates: hers white, his black.
"Now, there’s something else that I have to do, so you put on your skates and I’ll be right back."
She quirked a brow at him. He was up to something…"What are you up to, Riley Finn?" she asked him.
He bent down kissing the tip of her nose. "Don’t worry. Put on your skates and go out on the ice. I’ll meet you out there in a bit." He slung his skates over his shoulders, then headed back up the stairs, disappearing from Buffy’s view.
Buffy watched until he was out of her sight, then she turned around, took off her shoes, then pulled on her skates. Standing up, she headed back onto the ice. She did a few rounds around the rink to get back into the groove. After realizing that Riley had been gone far too long, she stopped skating. "Riley? Riley, where are you? I’m--" she stopped suddenly when all the lights in the rink flipped off.
Slayer senses kicked in and a chill shot up her spine. "Riley!" she yelled, suddenly scared. He didn’t answer her. "Riley! Riley, where the hell are you? Dammit, answer me!" she yelled. A mirrorball was lowered from the ceiling and strobe lights began flowing around the room, then music began playing. "He did this," she muttered to herself with a smile.
From behind her Riley took her hand and together they started skating, Riley skating backward, pulling her along. "Where have you been? I didn’t know what to think when the lights flipped off."
Riley stopped skating. "Did I scare you?" he asked, cautiously.
She smiled at him. "Just a little…but I like it. The music and the lights…It’s nice and sweet. I’m glad you did this, Riley. I love it." She leaned forward, surprising him with a kiss.
He debated his next words. "Well, you’re still special to me, Buffy. You always have been and you always will be. I just wanted to do something special for you to let you know that even though you don’t love me, that I love you." His eyes moistening, he pushed away from her and began skating.
Buffy stood frozen in place for a few moments. She wanted to tell him, she *needed* to tell him, but that would come later. Here, now, this was their time. She didn’t want anything to ruin the moment. She would tell him later.
Catching up to him, she grabbed his hand and this time, she was the one leading him. She saw such hurt mirrored in his eyes. And she had been the cause of all of that. She wanted to make him not hurt, but she didn’t know if telling him the truth would ease the pain and the betrayal. Would it make things better? Or would it just cause him more heartache?
She pulled both of them to stop. Lifting his chin with her finger, she looked into his eyes, saying, and "You said yourself that tonight was supposed to be happy and fun I don’t see you happy or you having fun."
He smiled. Finally, a smile! She loved to see him smile. After living with him for three hundred sixty-five days a year for seven straight years she’d gotten used to seeing his beautiful smile day in and day out. And lately…he’d been smiling more frequently the past few days and for that she’d been happy. It was better than seeing him sad like she had to all those months.
"I’m sorry, Buffy. I just…I see the fun we’re having together and I’ve missed this…being able to hold you and touch you and kiss you…and I know that this isn’t going to last once we go back to our world. I’ll move out, you’ll return to Bryant and that’s it. We’ll be over. I don’t want it to be…but it will be," he said, sadly, pushing away from her.
He skated away. She took a deep breath and she said it. "It doesn’t have to be, Riley." Her entire body was shaking and it just wasn’t from the chill of the rink. Her deceitfulness was all coming into play at this moment, but there was no turning back now. She *had* to go through with it. She had to tell him the truth whether it cost her to lose him forever.
Riley stopped skating, but he didn’t turn around. "What’s that supposed to mean, Buffy? I won’t let you stomp all over my heart. It’s not something for you to play with, you know. I loved you for eight years as I’ll probably love you for years on, but I will not, I refuse to let you toy with me until we get back to where we belong."
"What makes you think I’d do that, Riley?"
His anger finally hit the surface. "Dammit, Buffy, you’ve been doing it! Since we got here…one moment you’re pushing me away, reminding me that you don’t love me and the next…and the next you’re touching and kissing me." He skated over to her, turning her around to face him. Seeing the tears rolling down her cheeks, he swallowed hard. "Is this a game, Buffy? I need to know. If this is real, then tell me, but if it isn’t it has to stop." He shook her. "Tell me."
She choked on her words. "It’s not a game." She pushed away from him. "Okay. It’s not a fucking game, Riley. It’s never been a game," she screamed at him. She’d never been a yeller so it scared him when she had screamed, the echo bouncing off the cold walls of the ice rink. "I have never lied to you about anything, Riley. Never."
He stepped toward her, grinding his teeth. "Never, Buffy? What the hell has the past six months, the past year been? It’s been nothing but lies. The baby, the affair…everything about our marriage has been nothing but a joke since that baby died and the affair…"
"Wasn’t true," she whispered to him.
"What?" he repeated. Had he heard her right? Had she just said what his heart had wanted to hear? What Matt and Graham had told him…could it be true? He had tried to believe them and hope that she had been lying, but what reason would she have to lie to him?
"None of what I told you was true, Riley. You’ve known me for years and I have never once lied to you. Why would I suddenly start? That goes to show how much you love and know me. To think I actually had an affair…"
He closed the space between them, taking a strong hold of her arms. "I let myself think you had an affair because you told me you did. You had never lied to me and I *trusted* everything you told me to be true, Buffy. *Everything*."
His fingers were digging into her arms, but she didn’t care. "What so it was easier to picture your wife fuck another man? It was easier for you to think that I’d throw away seven years with you for another man and a married one at that. Or that I’d tell you I was pregnant for you when it happened to be another man’s? God, Riley, I didn’t think you could be so naïve."
"Naïve? I was naïve to trust you, Buffy. I trusted you and you took a hammer to my heart. What so the hell you put me through the past few months…that was just for kicks? Is that it? Your own wicked game? Whatever the hell it was, I’m not playing anymore. I am done."
She watched as he started to skate away. "Riley! Riley, wait." She skated towards him, stopping him by pulling his arm.
He didn’t even turn around to look at her. "No, Buffy. This is over. I don’t even know who the hell you are anymore. Just…leave me alone." He reached into his pocket, handing her the keys to the car. "You drive home. I gotta go for a walk."
She watched as he skated back to the floor. He sat down, eagerly stripped off his skates, pulled on his shoes, then hurriedly left the rink. As the slamming of the doors hit her ears, she crumbled to the ice as the realization hit her that she had lost Riley to the obstruction of her lies.
Willow’s head bobbed back and forth as she tried to fight sleep. Staring at the books for four hours straight was doing nothing for her concentration. They hadn’t found anything that remotely countered what had brought on the switch and as Giles had informed them earlier, there was a chance that the switch had permanent possibilities.
Spike, engrossed in his headphones and the book that he was flipping through, wasn’t aware of how loud his singing had gotten. It’d been a present from Buffy for helping her with her problems. She’d bought it for him a few days before she’d left on her little world switching vacation. He loved all the songs on the CD. Especially the Billy Idol songs which he couldn’t get enough of. "You know, these books don’t tell you anything," he yelled in Graham’s ear, slamming the door closed.
Graham rolled his eyes, closing the book he was flipping through as well. "I agree with you there, Spike. They sure don’t tell you anything."
Spike squared his eyes at the soldier boy beside him. "Huh?" he yelled. "What’d you say? I didn’t hear you."
Graham took off Spike’s headphones. "Now, can you hear me?" he asked softly.
"Yeah!" Spike yelled. He looked around where everyone was staring at him. "Oh, sorry about that. Guess I had the music a little too loud. Won’t happen again…promise. Scout’s honor."
Graham stared at Spike, but before he could say anything, Xander butted in. "You were a Boy Scout?"
Spike shook his head as he picked up another book. "No. I killed a bunch of people that were boy scouts, though. That counts."
Graham watched Willow for a few moments. She’d been working hard since the previous night to find out how to unswitch Buffy and Riley. They hadn’t come up with anything and it was starting to frustrate her to no end. He really wished that he could say something encouraging to her, but he couldn’t.
Suddenly, he saw Willow jump, then her head sprung up, and she said, "Don’t warn the tadpoles!" He looked at Xander, but he just shrugged and waved it off.
Then, Giles descended the stairs, book in hand, saying, "I think I’ve found something." They all crowded around as Giles put a book down in front of them. "Now, didn’t Willow perform some sort of incantation on Buffy to rid her of the visions that she’d been having?" Giles asked.
Graham nodded. "Yeah, Buffy had begged her to make them go away so Willow found a spell and it was made up of most of her spellcasting and some from one of her other spellbooks. Why?"
Giles rubbed his temples. This was all too chimerical…unbearable, too. "Well, this book says that there is a certain spellbook that has subliminal messages. Now, these messages are different from other subliminal messages that can make a person do and feel things against their power. These particular subliminal messages have the power to make a person’s wishes come true."
Xander intervened at that moment. "So, what you’re saying is that Buffy *wanted* to go into the netherworld?"
"In a manner of speaking, yes. Unless…"
"Unless, what, Giles?" Spike asked. The Watcher could get on his nerves time and again with his stop and go explanations. He just had to stop in the middle especially whenever they wanted to know something or when someone’s life was on the line.
Giles looked up at the room, then down at the sleeping girl. "Unless, Willow did another spell before that. The spells could’ve counteracted…especially if both had to deal with Buffy and Riley."
"So, what you’re saying is the root of this whole problem revolves around Willow and the spell that she did?" Graham asked Giles.
"Precisely. Willow’s spells, however noble and heartfelt they were could very well have landed Buffy and Riley in an alternate universe where they are likely not to come back from."
Graham sat down beside Willow, reaching out to smooth back her red hair, murmuring, "Oh, God, Will, what did you do?" He wasn’t sure if Willow was in fact to blame, but he knew how her spells went and usually they went left.
Sunnydale, 2007
"Well, I still don’t trust him," Riley told Buffy once they were alone in the bathroom. He had kept mum about what he’d overheard Angel telling Wesley and Doyle. Up until now when Buffy had dragged him into the downstairs bathroom and demanded to know what was bothering him.
"I can’t believe he would do that with her in a vulnerable state. God, how did I ever fall in love with him?" she asked, more to herself than to Riley. Thank God, Riley didn’t choose to answer.
Riley paced in front of Buffy who sat on the vanity. "I just hope that by the time we get back, by the time *they* get back, that they have their problems worked out so that Buffy doesn’t go running to Angel for comfort."
"Yeah, so do I." She looked up at Riley, seeing how tense he was. She jumped off the counter and in no time had time on his back on the bathroom floor. She sat straddled his waist, pulling her nightgown over her head, depositing it on the toilet next to them.
"Buffy, are you crazy? We can’t do this here. I mean, the twins and all of our guests," he said as she reached for his drawstring pants.
She put a finger over his lips to silence him. "Do you want to do this or not? Nobody will even notice that we’re gone." She pulled his pants down his thighs, over his knees and off his legs. She stretched out on top of him, burying her head in the crook of his neck.
"You’re insane. You know that right?" he asked her.
She looked into his eyes, nodding her approval as she said, "Uh-huh." But before anything else could happen there was a soft knock on the door.
"Buffy, we need you downstairs," came Angel’s earnest reply.
"Okay, I’ll be down in a few minutes."
He wasn’t giving up that easily. He knew what they were doing in there, so if he couldn’t have Buffy, then Riley sure as hell wasn’t going to have her either. "We need you *now*."
"Dammit," she cursed, sliding off Riley and pulling back on her nightgown. She threw open the door before Riley could get back in his pants and she heard his muffled, "Shit, Buffy!" She turned around and saw him blushing prettily. She muttered her apology then followed Angel downstairs.
She came to a sudden stop when she found Spike standing there not only with Giles, but also with her mother. "Buffy!" her mom exclaimed before wrapping her in her arms. Buffy stood still, hugging her mother back.
After a few moments, she stepped from her mother and embraced Giles in a warm hug. When Spike had told her that her mom had married Giles she hadn’t been too quick to believe it, but considering what had happened between her mother and Giles before, she realized that it made sense. She would make it a point to bring them together sooner once she got back to 2000.
"What are you guys doing here?" she asked.
Giles whispered in her ear, "Your mom was worried about you…I was, too," he told her as they walked into the living room. "So, how are things? You and Riley…are you two doing better?" he asked her. Over Giles’ shoulder she saw Riley step from the stairs and hug her mother. He caught her eye and he smiled; she smiled back.
After Giles informed her that they were staying in Sunnydale for a few days so that her mom could spend time with Logan and Kennedy, her and Riley had no choice but to explain what was going on. Willow and Graham helped a little with the explaining, but even with their help, neither understood, but offered to help anyway.
Sunnydale, 2000
What the hell was going through her head? Was she insane? Yeah, she was, wasn’t she? Kevin had tried to warn him that Buffy was nothing but trouble, but had he listened to him. No. He’d followed his heart, not to mention his libido and married her against everyone else’s wishes.
And where had this marriage gotten him? Seven years in the making it had left him with two beautiful children and memories to boot. But she had lied about everything. What was he supposed to do about that? Grin and bear it? He wasn’t that forgiving. He just wished that he knew what…
"Riley."
He turned around to find her standing behind him. The wind kicked up, throwing her blonde hair around her face. Her cheeks were stained black from her mascara having run. He reasoned that she must’ve been crying. He had always hated to see her cry. He jumped up from his spot in the sand and took her in his arms where she started crying all over again.
"Riley, I am so sorry for lying to you. I never wanted to…but, I…I thought it was best for all of us if you moved on. I never wanted to push you away…every time I did…it made me want you even more."
He smoothed back her hair and hadn’t realized that he was crying as well, until she leaned back and started kissing his tears away. "What are you crying for? I am the one who fucked up here? I’ll understand if you want to go through with the divorce now, Riley. I surely don’t deserve you now."
He moved away from her. "I just want to know what made you do it, Buffy. Was our marriage that bad that you had to cook up an affair to make me leave you? If you weren’t happy you could’ve just told me. If you wanted the marriage to be over, I would’ve left."
She sat down in the sand, pulling him down with her. She sat facing him, slinging her legs over his, cradling his face in her hands, and making him look at her. "It was never about you or our marriage, Riley. It was about me."
She saw confusion cloud his eyes as he said, "You?"
She dropped her hands, letting them fall on top of his on her knees. "Yes, me. Just listen and let me talk, okay? I’ve wanted to tell you how I’ve felt for a long time, but I didn’t know how so will you not ask any questions or put your two sense in until I am finished?" she asked him.
He nodded his head, not liking to have to sit there and be quiet, but respected her wishes. If he wanted her to finally be honest with him, then he would do as she said.
"Everything in our marriage went wrong after I lost the baby and I take full blame for losing it." She noticed his nose flare up and she knew that he wanted so much to butt in, but he didn’t. "My mom and Giles had told me about the thunderstorm warnings and told me that I could stay another night. But I had refused. I had work on Monday and I didn’t want to call out so I drove home. I never thought that decision would’ve resulted in losing our child, the child we worked so hard to achieve."
She laughed softly as tears fell from her eyes. "I’m talking about it as if it was a medal…if it was, maybe I would’ve taken it more seriously and treasured it. From that night I made the decision to return to Sunnydale instead of staying in San Francisco I’ve made a mockery out of my life. Every decision since then has been rash and I’ve either taken something from myself, you or our entire family."
"All those months of pushing you away…it hurt to be around you, Riley. Because everytime I was, I looked at you and I knew I had disappointed you…I saw that look on your face, the hurt in your eyes…I fell apart inside everytime I had to see that."
Taking a deep breath, she continued. "That baby was just as much yours as it was mine and if I had thought about you, about your feelings, then maybe I could’ve prevented destroying everything that we had, have. But I didn’t think about you. I didn’t love you or that baby enough to think about the consequences." She choked back her tears.
"When I found out that the baby was gone and that there was a chance that I couldn’t have anymore children, Riley, I snapped. For days afterward, I was numb. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep…all I could do was cry and the thing that made it unbearable for me is that you weren’t there to share it with me. You weren’t there when I’d gone into the hospital. You weren’t there when I gotten the news that our baby was gone. You weren’t there when I received the news that all future chances for kids were slim and none. I hated you for that, Riley."
"I hated having to go through that alone when all I wanted was for you to be there, wrap me in your arms and whisper that everything would be alright. I didn’t get that, though. I called your mom several times to tell you, but I chickened out. I didn’t want to tear you away from your father. But instead, I tore you away from me."
He wasn’t sure how much more of this he was going to be able to take in. He needed to tell her that he cursed himself for not being there with her, that he also blamed himself for their baby’s death, but he remained mum.
"Instead of telling you the truth, how I felt, about my condition, I decided the easier route was to make you leave. Spike helped me put doubt in your mind that I wasn’t being faithful, which was easy because in a way I wasn’t."
His eyes widened. "I didn’t’ tell you, but I’d been seeing a shrink. That was the only way I was learning to deal with losing the baby and the resentment at myself for causing it. I had weekly appointments and the doctor was making *some* progress with me. But it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t have you wait around for me to open up to you. I couldn’t have you waste your life waiting for me to get a clue. I had your best interest at heart. It killed me to push you away, but I thought that it was best. I wanted you to have someone that could look at you and not think about everything that had gone wrong. I wanted you to have someone that could make love to you and give you the children that you wanted."
He couldn’t stay silent any longer. His face was already wet with tears anyway. She’d confessed plenty. He grabbed her arms and as he did so, she began sobbing even harder. "I’m so sorry, Riley."
She could see how mad at her he was and she didn’t blame him. "Don’t you think I should’ve been the one to decide whether or not I wanted someone who could offer those things to me? It wasn’t just your life, Buffy. It was mine, it was Logan’s, it was Kennedy’s," he paused, and touched her stomach, "it was that baby’s. You not only destroyed their life, but the rest of ours, also. How could you be so goddamn selfish?"
She flashed a sad smile at him that made his insides, his heart, crumble. "Thank you, Riley. I’m a disappointment. I’ve known it all along and you just clarified my assumption. I’ll leave your life and I won’t come back. Alright?" she yelled at him as she got to her feet and began running away.
She could hear him yelling for her to wait, but she couldn’t. She just had to get away. She needed to be away from Riley for a while; she needed to put everything into perspective. She had a few decisions to make especially if it turned out that Riley didn’t forgive her, which, she had a nagging feeling in her gut, that he wouldn’t.
Sunnydale, 2000
"What do you mean I might be the reason for the switch?" Willow exclaimed. After she had woken up to the five people staring down at her, she had been told what they had found out and what Giles believed was the result of her amateur spellcasting.
Giles sat down in front of her. "We are not passing judgement on you. That’s not what this is about. But you have to admit for yourself that sometimes your spells do come out a trifle…" he couldn’t find the word.
"Screwed," Spike offered.
"Thank you, Spike. You always manage a way to take the words right out of my mouth," Giles said, suddenly irritant of Spike. Of course, when wasn’t Spike an irritant…He wasn’t even going to answer that question for himself.
"As Spike so crudely put it, your spells do come out…screwed, Willow. Let’s face it, you aren’t a very strong witch and the many times that you have cast you have been blinded by your feelings, which causes you to make some pretty rash decisions and maybe you did something or said something that caused mixed reactions with the spell."
Willow jumped up. "No, Giles. I would never put Buffy in danger. You know that. You all know that. If doing that spell had meant that something would’ve gone wrong, I wouldn’t have done it, but at the time, I just wanted to help her. She was hurting and confused and I just didn’t like to see her like that, so I did the spell and…and I didn’t think about repercussions."
Shit. Maybe she had been casting blinded. She sunk onto Giles’ sofa next to Spike. Her head falling into her hands, she said, "This *is* my fault." When they tried to sway her and tell her that it wasn’t, she countered, saying, "I was in a blind panic. I saw that my best friend was hurting and I wanted to make it go away. I did this. *I* have to undo it."
Willow jumped off the sofa with a renewed concentration and hope. If she didn’t have to sleep or eat or shower or go to the bathroom for the next week, she was going to find a way to reverse the effects. Whatever it took.
Riley poured himself yet another cup of coffee, hoping that it would help to keep him awake. He had to stay awake to make sure she came back. Since their fight, if you could call it that, she had been gone. She hadn’t called nor had she returned…and he was worried.
What had he been thinking going off on her like that? Even though she’d put him through hell with her lies, he knew that she only did it because she was confused, but she had led him to believe…so much. That place that she’d forced him into was not a pleasant one. It had led him to do and say things that he would regret for time to come.
He sat down at the kitchen table, coffee cup in hand, opening the newspaper. The recent headlines and happenings in Sunnydale immediately hit him especially the headline on the front page of the paper: WOMAN FOUND ON SUNNYDALE BEACH, NO SUSPECTS AS OF YET.
Riley felt his heart hammering against his chest as he read on: This morning, a young couple, who will remain nameless, came across a body on the shore of Sunnydale Beach. The woman, who was described as around the age of twenty-seven, one hundred and two pounds, blonde hair, green eyes, has not yet been identified. The coroner has stated that the woman died from a strike to the head by a blunt object and strangulation."
That was all he needed to read. The depiction of the woman clearly resembled that of his missing wife. Could it be Buffy, though? Could his comments from last night have caused her to be killed?
He figuratively jumped out of his skin as the phone rang. He stared at it for a few moments, afraid that if he answered it that it would be the police department informing him that the body found on the beach had been his wife’s and that he needed to go down to the morgue for identification.
But when he picked it up and heard Angel’s voice he was a little relieved. Not much since it was Angel, but glad that it hadn’t been the cops. "Angel? Oh. Hi. What do you want?" he barked at the vampire.
"I need to talk to Buffy."
Rolling his eyes, he said, "Well, she’s not here right now. Sorry. Is there…did you need something with her?"
"Yeah, actually I did. I heard about the murder in Sunnydale. It happened here in L.A., too. This guy freaked because his wife was killed, so he’s been going around killing beautiful, young, blondes the same way that his wife was killed."
"Now, that’s just ludicrous. Why didn’t you stop him, Angel? Big bad vamp detective losing his touch capturing the bad guys?" Riley teased, knowing how Angel hated to have his worth as a detective and as a protector of the innocent, challenged.
"Just tell Buffy I called. I just wanted to warn her if he wound up in Sunnydale," Angel said before hanging up.
The dial tone rang in his ear. He clicked off the phone, returning to the table. He picked up the newspaper, staring down at the photograph of the woman’s body. Even he had to admit that the woman had an uncanny resemblance to Buffy. "Buffy," he whispered softly. No. He couldn’t lose her now. He *wouldn’t* lose her now. He’d just gotten her back and there was no way that he was letting her go. He refused to believe that Buffy was gone.
He heard the patio door slide open. Graham. Or Willow. He rounded the corner, heading into the living room. "Guys, we have a problem. I think that…" He stopped cold in his tracks when he looked up to find Buffy standing in the doorway. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face streaked black, and she had numerous cuts and scratches on her arms and face. Without another thought, her ran to her, enveloping her in his arms.
For a few moments, they were both silent. He held onto her as long as he could, just thanking God that she was alive. He pushed her back, shaking her violently. "Don’t you *ever* do that to me again. Do you have any idea how worried I was?" he asked her.
She hung her head in shame. "I didn’t think you’d care one way or another if I came back or not." She pushed him away, moving into the kitchen. She shed her shirt, wincing at the pain of her back.
He followed her, watching as she began to strip out of her clothing. "Why wouldn’t I care? Dammit, Buffy, I didn’t mean what I told you last night. You threw me a curve! I didn’t expect to hear any of that shit. But I couldn’t just stand by and not tell you anything. Not after what you’ve put me through."
She didn’t even care that she was walking around the kitchen in nothing but her dirty white bra and her jeans. She was hurting and besides, Riley had seen her in much less over the years. "Look, I am not to going to justify what I did to you, Riley. I fucked up. I know I did, but at least I am woman enough to admit it. I’m not asking for you to forgive me. I just wanted you to know the truth."
She flung open several cabinets, searching for some kind of antiseptic or a first aid kit to bandage up her cuts. "Shit, doesn’t Willow have anything I can use!" she bitched, flinging open yet another cabinet that didn’t have her desired supplies.
She felt Riley’s hands on her shoulders. He willed her around to face him, then he grasped her by her waist, placing her on the cabinet. "Let me look." She yanked off her shoes and socks as Riley started searching the cabinets. "What happened to you anyway?"
She winced again at the pain and Riley fussed at her to not move. She grumbled at him under her breath, getting shot a devious look from him. "I was walking through the Peterson Cemetery last night when some guy jumped me. He had a knife and we immediately started fighting. He got in a few pretty good licks."
Finally, finding the bandages and what not that he needed to clean her up, he made her turn around so that he could tend to her wounds. Remarkably, they were already beginning to heal. "You know," he started, pouring some alcohol onto a cotton swab, "I wish I would heal as fast as you." He touched the swab to the cut on her back, smiling as he heard her wince and curse under her breath. Leaning close to her ear, he whispered, "Payback’s a bitch, isn’t it?"
She couldn’t help but smile. She was forced to sit through about ten minutes of gruesome torture and most of that was just by his fingers skimming softly against her skin. Once he was finished, he lifted her off the cabinet, setting her on her feet in front of him. They held each other’s gazes for a split second, but Buffy broke the eye contact by leaning into him, pressing her lips gently to his cheek. "Thank you."
The touch of her…God, he wanted her. He knew that if he played his cards right, he could have her, but he wasn’t sure if he would be able to take her. That day, that line he’d crossed, it was still fresh in his mind. "For what?" he finally choked out.
She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly. "I don’t really know to tell you the truth. For bandaging me up and for worrying about me. I guess that’s a good sign." She took a deep, jagged breath. "I just hope that, well, I hope that you can find someway to forgive me for what I did to you, Riley, because I can’t picture my life without you in it." Tears threatening her eyes again, she pushed away from him, heading toward the bathroom.
"Buffy." She stopped when she heard him say her name. Though, she didn’t dare turn around to face him. "I love you. I want you to know that I forgive you. I don’t fully understand what made you do what you did, but I think I can come to terms with it. I can’t picture my life without you either. I’ve lived without you for six months, I don’t want to go any longer."
She walked on into the bathroom. Once inside she closed and locked the door behind her, leaning back against the door. "Why can’t I say it? He should know that what I said, that it wasn’t true. It’s only three little words…yeah, they are three *powerful* words, but they are just words," she told herself. Stripping out of her clothes, she muttered to herself, "I’ll tell him…soon."
She stepped into the shower, turning the taps until it was at a temperature that she could stand. She stood still, letting the warm water, pound against her aching back. She could still feel Riley’s fingers brushing against her back. She longed for him to touch her, she wanted to make love to him, but so much had happened…what if he didn’t want that, too?
She had to make things right between the two of them. She had to give him the full explanation. He was worthy of the truth: her visits to the shrink, her plan with Spike, Bryant.
After a full body scrub and a conditioning treatment to her tresses, she stepped out of the shower, toweling off her body. She wrapped a large, white terrycloth around her body, taking another for her hair, then exited the bathroom. The kitchen and living room were vacant of her husband so she walked out onto the patio.
She saw some of his clothes in a pile at the side of the pool and his body moving rhythmically beneath the water. She sat down on the edge, dangling her feet in the cool water. Riley resurfaced at her feet. "Oh, hey. I, um, I thought that you would’ve taken longer."
She took the towel that was in her hands, using it to wipe the water from his face. "Well, I figured that we need to talk some more."
"Oh?" he cooed. "About what exactly?"
"I figure that if you are going to accept what I did to you, that I might as well tell you the *whole* truth."
He pulled himself out of the water, sitting beside her. "You mean there’s more?" he asked.
She nodded. "Yeah, there is and I kinda think you may be mad at what I am about to tell you."
Riley quivered all the way down to his toes. He wasn’t sure that he liked the sound of that, but he listened. He sat through the ache that she felt when he left for Iowa, the loneliness and despair when she lost the baby and when he wasn’t there to give her comfort. She went through a lot of shit and she’d kept a lot from him just based on him not being there.
The way she looked at it he had abandoned her and their children to see about his father. Looking at it from her perspective, that’s exactly how he felt, too. He would forever kick himself in the ass for being unable to be there for her, with her. She’d then explained how she knew Bryant. He was surprised when she’d told him that not only had she’d saved his life one night, but also Bryant was the doctor that had cared for her when she’d lost the baby.
He took a deep breath. "Wow. That’s a lot to take in, Buffy. I mean, I was wondering how you knew him if there wasn’t an affair…there wasn’t, was there?" he asked. He knew how desirable she was and how any guy would be lucky to have her and maybe there’d been one night when…
She smiled, taking his hands in hers. "No. Bryant is single. He was married before, but he and his wife divorced and she has custody of their children. He’s a good guy, Riley. He’s never done anything to me, he’s only ever helped me."
"So, he hasn’t put any moves on you or asked you out? Nothing like that?" he asked, suddenly overprotective of her. Or was it jealousy?
Complete and utter honesty. That was her new motto. So, she might as well tell him while she had the chance. "Now, I didn’t say *that*."
"Ah-ha! He did put the moves on you, didn’t he?" He saw and noted her hesitation. "Did he or didn’t he?"
She stood up. "Once or twice he did ask me out. He knew our marriage was…defunct and he thought that by taking me out and showing me a good time that it would get my mind off what had gone wrong in my life."
Riley snickered. "Yeah and it was probably a good chance to get off."
"Riley!" She slapped him lightly on the head as she headed back into the house, aware that he was close behind her. "So, where are Willow and Graham?" she asked him, rummaging through the refrigerator for something to eat.
He watched her every move closely. She was distracting in her towel. He didn’t like the thoughts that entered his mind, but he welcomed them. He sat down at the table, watching as she fixed herself a sandwich. "Wow! You’re hungry, huh, Buff?" he asked, his eyes widening as he saw what he was putting on her sandwich.
She turned around, glaring at him, knife in hand. "Don’t tempt me, mister, because I still know how to use a knife," she threatened.
Hmm…tempt. She’d used the word ‘tempt’. He could tempt her to do something else. That kind of tempting would be a *lot* funner. He watched as she licked the mayonnaise from the knife. The way her tongue slid up and down the silver blade…it sent shivers up and down his spine.
She plopped down beside him, complete with her sandwich, a bag of potato chips and a diet coke. "So, you never told me where Graham and Willow were exactly." Seeing that he was eyeing her sandwich, she leaned over offering him a bite, which he quickly took, taking her fingers into his mouth also. "What are you doing?" she asked him, as he bit down gently on her fingers.
He took his fingers out of his mouth and, leaning over, surprised her with a quick kiss on the lips. "I’m going change into clothes that aren’t as…wet as these." She watched as he disappeared into the bedroom, realizing at that moment just how much she loved him. Now, she just had to figure out how and when to tell him.
Sunnydale, 2007
It was getting way too unbearable. Everyone she knew was in ‘her’ house and she didn’t want them there. Her mom and Giles and Willow and Graham excluded, but Angel and everyone from L.A…she wanted them gone. Now. She wanted to be alone with Riley, to drag him upstairs, lock the door and beg him to make love to her. She couldn’t do that with Angel there. For some reason the damn vampire was jealous.
He had no reason to be and she didn’t know why he was, but it was really beginning to aggravate her. Everytime she’d find somewhere to sneak away with Riley, they’d barely get to groping before Angel was disturbing them: Buffy, your mom needs you. The kids want this…Willow is looking for you. She was about thisclose to plunging a stake into his heart just to have him leave her and Riley alone.
Here she stood at the kitchen sink watching everyone play outside as she did the dishes from lunch. Behind her she felt someone lift her hair and sling it over her shoulder. Her only rational thought was that it was Riley so she welcomed his fingers grazing along her neck. "I’ve missed you."
But the "I’ve missed you, too," didn’t belong to her Riley. Turning around she realized that it belonged to her…to Angel.
"What the hell are you doing in here?" she asked him.
He smiled that seductive smile of his. God, she hated him. Yeah, I was stupid to fall for that before, not twice though. Not again. "Well, as you can see it’s day outside and if I go out there, I combust. Ashes everywhere. I don’t think you’d like to clean that up."
"On the contrary, I wouldn’t have to clean it up. You would stay in the grass. No cleanup and you’d wash away with the rain. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to go find my husband."
Moving past the wall that was Angel, she ran smack into Riley. "Did I hear you call for your husband? Cuz, here I am, him being me," Riley greeted her with a smile, a warm hug and a deep kiss.
Their behavior enraged him. Riley was groping *his* Buffy in front of him. Did they not have any respect for him? "I have…research to do so I’ll just leave you two alone." He made a quick exit, but hid behind the wall separating the kitchen from the hallway. What he heard made his stomach churn.
Riley wrapped his arms around Buffy’s waist, drawing her closer. "So, is the coast clear? Is Mister I’m-Against-PDA gone?"
"Who cares?" Buffy said, circling his neck with her arms, her lips meeting his. His hands were all motion on her, moving from her waist to her ass. He tightened his hold on her, pressing her more roughly against him so that she could feel how much he wanted her at that moment. "We can’t do this here," she whispered to him as his hands slipped beneath her shirt and started to work at the clasp of her bra.
"Well, then, let’s go somewhere private." Buffy didn’t dare raise a fuss. He yanked her into his arms and began heading for the stairs, oblivious to Angel’s lurking in the hallway. Once inside the safety of their bedroom, Riley closed then locked the door before he attacked her.
Angel calmly walked upstairs, pausing just outside the door. He could hear Buffy’s cries of ecstasy from behind the door and a part of him wanted to go in there and suck the life out of Riley. It wasn’t that he hated Riley. He hated Riley for being able to have Buffy. He gave Buffy everything that he himself couldn’t give her: a person to walk in the daylight with, someone to make love to her, someone to father her children.
Succumbing that he wouldn’t be able to wrench Buffy from Riley, he turned away from the door where he was greeted by the sight of Graham. "Hey soldier boy. When did you become so stealthy?"
Graham stepped forward. "I trained for years to be stealthy. It’s paid off since the Initiative was blown up or cemented or whatever the hell it was they did to the damn place. So, you wanna tell me why you’re suddenly Listening Bob?"
He stepped toward Angel so that he was almost flush against the vampire. "I know that you’re more than this, Angel. Buffy and everyone else that knows you talks highly of you. They trust you."
"And you don’t?"
"The only vampire I trust is Spike and a dusted one. You’re not included in that minority. I haven’t trusted you since what you did to Buffy and Riley, or what you’re demon self could have done to them. Luckily, Spike was able to stop you."
Angel stepped forward. "You know, I don’t know why your friends with Riley. I know you would love nothing more than to jump Buffy’s bones. C’mon, Graham, fess up. You want Buffy just as badly as I do."
"You’re fucked up. You know that? I don’t want Buffy. I haven’t wanted her for a *very* long time. I love Willow and she’s the only one I want. Riley and Buffy belong together. Remember that." Graham took a step away from Angel. "Now, I suggest you go downstairs before I knock on that door and tell Buffy exactly what you were doing."
"You’re lucky I still have my soul and my conscience…"
"Is that supposed to be some kind of threat?" Graham asked. He would certainly be glad when they figured out why and how the Buffy and Riley’s switched. Angel would be out of all their hair and their lives would be back to normal…somewhat.
Angel’s hands flattened against Graham’s chest. "No, I don’t make threats, Graham. Only promises," he whispered before he pushed away and headed down the stairs.
Graham stood there on the landing for a few moments, watching as Angel descended the stairs. Moments later he felt a presence behind him. Turning around, he saw Riley standing there, a bedsheet wrapped around his waist. "Riley? Uh, hi. I didn’t mean to…sorry that I disturbed the two of you, I was going downstairs."
Riley closed the bedroom door behind him. "I heard voices out here. Who were you talking to?" He had a sinking feeling who it was Graham had been arguing so loudly with. Who else could it be?
Graham shrugged his shoulders. "Just the wall. I had some things on my mind and I just needed to vent a little. It was listening and I was in between decisions."
Riley nodded, not swayed. He knew it had been Angel out here. Call it husbandly intuition, but he had felt Angel watching them. He didn’t know what bug had crawled up his butt, but there was something up with him. "Okay. Well, could you--"
"Riley." The word not only rung in his ear, but throughout his whole body. He hated that she was able to do that to him. She had power besides her Slayer ones. Just her voice, the sensuality in it…it sent shudders of desire coursing through his veins.
He turned around to see Buffy in the doorway. She was covered up with one of his t-shirts and it didn’t leave much to be imagined. With one curl of her finger, he was at her leisure. "I’ll talk to you, uh, about this later," he said, as Buffy took his arm and began dragging him into the room. He was halfway in when he turned back to Graham, saying, "Keep an eye on Angel. I don’t trust him." Then, he disappeared behind the door.
Graham turned from the door hearing Riley exclaim, "Buffy, let me at least sit down before you do that." Smiling, he headed down the stairs, shaking his head on the look out for Angel.
Sunnydale, 2000
Buffy was content to just lie in Riley’s lap watching TV. Just to be able to be close to him with no secrets and no lies between them was an enormous improvement. Even though she would love nothing more than for him to make love to her, she knew that would be pushing things.
She shifted her head in his lap again. "So, tell me again why are we watching Eight Seconds? I am not complaining because Tuff is a hoot and Lane Frost is well, Luke Perry plays him well, but can you tell me why you like this movie?" she asked him, reaching for more popcorn. Everytime she’d get close to the bowl, he’d move it away from her.
The first few times it was cute and she’d given in to his little game, but after a while she got restless and in desperate need of her buttered popcorn fix. She sat up, straddling Riley’s legs. "Give me the popcorn," she told him through gritted teeth.
"No."
He watched as she chewed on her bottom lip. She was in silent contemplation. That wasn’t a safe place for Buffy to be. She began tickling him mercilessly, knowing each ticklish spot on him from nights in college of sitting there and experimenting with his body.
Her nails digging into his skin, being forced to listen to her lighthearted laughs, it all consumed him at that moment. He couldn’t hold back any longer. He finally gripped her hands, and pulled her lips to his. On his lap, he felt her tense up and he did his best to reduce the tension that was evident throughout her entire body. After a few lazy, closed mouth kisses, she finally began to open up to him. She offered her lips, her mouth to him.
As their kiss became more passionate, their grips relaxed and they sought out more to touch. Her hands slipped beneath his shirt, skimming along the hot skin underneath, while he began unfastening the buttons of her shirt.
Déjà vu. He was brought back to that day. *That* day in their house. Being so forceful with her…even after everything, he couldn’t do it. As much as he wanted to, as much as he wanted her, he couldn’t do it. He pushed her away. "I can’t do this." He pushed her off his lap, then jumped to his feet.
"Riley…why? What’s wrong? Is it…is it me?" Doubt and hurt twinged her voice. When he didn’t answer she knew what was wrong. "This is because of me. You can’t think of me in that way after what I did to you."
He stepped toward her. "It’s not you, Buffy. It’s me. That day…that day back at the house. When you told me, when you told me about the affair and all that, I remembered that…and I just can’t forgive myself. I’m sorry, Buffy. I’m really sorry." He turned and bolted out the door.
Would he ever be able to forgive himself for that morning? Would *she* be able to forgive him? When wouldn’t it matter anymore? Was he going to be able to make love to her without thinking about that fateful morning? Until he answered some of his own questions, until he forgave himself, he had to stay away from her.
Sunnydale, 2000
Buffy bolted after Riley, stopping at the door, watching his retreating figure run through the gates. "Riley! Riley, wait!" she pleaded. But it was fruitless. He was gone. Or he was ignoring her. The latter was more evident. She walked back into the apartment, slamming the door behind herself.
Sitting down on the sofa, Buffy stared blankly at the door, which Riley had just fled from. Why? That’s all she could say, think. They’d been doing great. Waking up that morning in his arms was just, it was something that she hadn’t had in a long time. Not when there weren’t any lies involved.
It felt whole, normal. He’d leaned over, kissed her lightly on the lips, then they’d rolled over and gone back to sleep. It was something that she could definitely get used to again. She wanted to get used to it again.
Standing up she walked to the patio door, slid it open, and stepped outside. The wind was fierce, shifting the trees back and forth. Looking up at the already dark sky, she realized that storm clouds were rolling in. There would definitely be a storm that night. She just hoped Riley got home before the eye of the storm hit.
Riley hadn’t gotten very far when he’d become aware of the changing weather. Looking up at the sky, he realized that it was about to get *very* bad. He reasoned that he couldn’t stay gone for long so he’d have to make his trip down headache lane a quick one.
The priest had given him absolution. He had done his penance, so everything should be all right, right? No. It wasn’t right. If it were all right he would be back at the apartment, getting ready to make love to his wife. Instead, here he was on Sunset Park in the middle of a soon-to-be horrid thunderstorm.
What if he was taking this all out of proportion? What if Buffy didn’t care about that day or remember? Was he making a small situation worse? The reason why it stuck out in his mind was not just what he had almost done, it was what he’d heard her say. She still hadn’t spoken those words to him yet and he’d given her ample opportunity. Would she say it? Could she say it? Were those words that she’d spoken that day true?
The first streaks of lightning erupted throughout the dark sky. Turning around, he headed back to the apartment just as it started to rain. "And this is just making my day," he grumbled, letting the petals of rain hit his head gently. He made his way back to the apartment as lightning crackled in the sky, the rain getting heavier. He stood at the patio door, watching as Buffy frantically paced the living room.
Spinning around she spotted him in the sliding glass door. "Riley," she whispered. She ran for the door, sliding it open as thunder rumbled through the apartment, followed suit by crackles of lightning. She pulled Riley inside just as a bolt of lightning struck a power line, sending the apartment into wafts of darkness.
They both realized that her grip on him had tightened tremendously, but neither spoke or moved to lessen it. "I know you weren’t gone for that long, but I was worried. The weather…I didn’t want to be alone." She leaned back. "Why did you leave?" she asked him. He took her hand, leading her to the sofa. He pushed her down, kneeling in front of her.
"There’s some things that we need to straighten out, Buffy. Before we try to resume this marriage, before we move any further there are some things that I need to run by you and I need you to tell me the truth."
She nodded, lowering her head. "This is about that day…that morning when I told you that I wanted you to leave." Looking up at him, her green eyes meeting his blue ones, she knew that she was right.
He stood up and sat down on the coffee table in front of her. Neither seemed to care that he was wet. There was just the conversation that had to be held. "Yes, Buffy. I think about that day…I am *haunted* by that day. Everything that was said between us, what I did to you."
Her eyes shot up at him. "That’s what this is about? What happened in the bedroom?" she asked him. He only gave her a nod. A single tear escaped her eyes as she moved and knelt in front of her husband.
Taking his left hand in hers, she kissed the wedding band that he wore. Then, she lifted his chin, forcing him to look at her. "This," she said, tapping on the gold band, "means everything to me. Now if you think I won’t forgive you for something that you did in a rage of passion and despair, then what are we together for anyway?"
"Riley, I vowed to love you throughout good times and bad. That day…that day was one of the bad ones and if I could take it back, I would, but I can’t. We can only learn from that fateful day. I made a lot of wrong choices that day and I regret every single one. Do you know that when you ran out of the room I went after you?"
His hazy blue eyes met hers. "You did?" he asked, his heart heavy from everything that she was telling him.
She nodded solemnly. "I knew I’d hurt you and after you told me that no one else deserved to wear my ring, all my defenses broke down and I wanted that man back. The man that I had married, but I knew that he wanted the woman he married. So, I let you go. That night you came to the house, then left, I ran after you. Everytime you ran away, I ran after you. I wanted to be with you, but my stubbornness forbid me to bring you back. It wasn’t until we came here, until we escaped everything that was home to us that I realized I couldn’t live without you." With a another deep breath, she said her next words very carefully. "I want our marriage back. In every extent of the word. If you’re willing and ready that is."
He swallowed hard, then took a deep, steady breath. "Buffy, you know I want that, too. I would love nothing more than for that to happen, but I don’t know if I can." She placed a finger over his lips.
"Let’s just see where things lead. Okay? Is that good enough for you?" she asked him. He nodded as his stomach began to grumble. "Well, let’s get something nutritious in our stomachs first, huh?" Pulling him off the coffee table she led him into the kitchen.
"Do you know the exact spell you did on Buffy?" Giles asked her for the umpteenth time. It was starting to piss her off. For the past three days it had been the same questions over and over and over. She didn’t know the exact spell because her books were at her apartment and she didn’t want to go back and disturb Buffy and Riley. She hadn’t heard from either and two days and she could only assume that things were going good. She wasn’t about to screw that up.
She took a deep breath before finishing her confession, knowing that if she didn’t say it fast, there would be *lots* of questions. "Look, Giles, when Buffy got back from picking Riley up at the airport, she was standoffish. She said she could feel that things had changed between them over the summer. And I think that was a little guilt on Buffy’s part from what happened with Jeff, so anyway, I found a spell. I didn’t actually think it had worked until Buffy started having visions."
She had everyone’s attention then. Graham and Xander were looking at her perplexed; Spike was rolling his eyes and Giles, well, Giles, as usual, looked perturbed and disappointed. Anya, though, wasn’t surprised. She’d been the one to actually perform the spell. Plus, it was one of hers, so she hadn’t been prepared for its repercussions; neither of them had.
"So, you did a spell before this one that had to do with Buffy and Riley?" Giles asked her.
Spike used that moment to make his presence known. "A big ‘Duh’ to you, Giles. Geez, you’d think someone that went to college and was a Watcher would be a tad bit swifter at this stuff."
Willow was about to continue when Anya stepped forward, picking up the slack. "It isn’t just Willow’s fault. It’s mine, too. We did the spell together. Neither one of us liked seeing Buffy and Riley apart so we did a spell. It was one that I’d gotten from D’Hoffryn when I was still a vengeance demon. It can let a person see what they are missing in life. I didn’t know that it was going to show her the future. It’s called a Seeking Spell. There aren’t very many known to the likings of mortals; only us demons know about and use them."
Turning to Willow, she went on, saying, "I probably should have warned you about the seeking spell. Had you counteracted another spell along with it before it was finished, it could have interweaving consequences."
"And you didn’t tell us this earlier…because?" Giles shouted.
"I didn’t know about the other spell," she shouted back. Turning to Xander she punched him in the arm. "Why didn’t you tell me about it?"
"Ow!" he spat at her. "Because, well, because I didn’t know it would work and you said you weren’t into all the mystical and magical stuff anymore. Remember? How come you didn’t tell me you were dallying in the cauldrons with Willow?" he asked her.
Giles intervened their future heated argument. "You two can finish up your arguing over who kept what from whom and what you’re going to do the whom that kept the what the longest, but that doesn’t matter here. What matters is transfixing these spells that you put on Buffy? If we are able to do that, then there’s a chance that we can put things right again."
Giles watched how no one moved from their seat. "Well, what are you waiting for? Get a book. Get online. Get to the magic shop. Do something! We have to fix this!" Watching they flocked in separate directions. "Children, ugh!"
They continued their work in silence, jumping every once in a while as booms of thunder erupted through the walls of Giles’ apartment. Before the lights went out, they lit candles so that they could continue their research, but in the darkness as they little to the rain hit the tin roof, they were all lulled into a peaceful slumber.
Sunnydale, 2007
Riley found her sitting in the living, a blanket draped over her knees, staring blankly out the window. Sitting down beside her, he touched her knee softly, watching at how she jumped. "Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you."
She smiled at him, leaning over to place a quick kiss on his lips. "You didn’t startle me. I was just concentrating so hard that I didn’t see you. Where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you all day."
"Graham and I were playing outside with the boys. Logan has been having so much fun playing with Nick and Cordelia’s boys. I guess that the majority of the time he is just surrounded by women." He realized that Buffy wasn’t even paying attention to him. "We took a trip to Venus. Wonderful planet, really. I met an alien. We hopped a spaceship to Mars and eloped. Except there it’s eburped."
He finally got her attention. She looked at him, smiling. "I’m sorry. My head is just…it’s in a whirlwind right now." He knew just what to do to make her head no so whirlwindy. He pulled her to him, engaging her in a long, deep kiss. The whirlwind going through her head quickly dissipated as Riley’s tongue worked its magic with her own. Meanwhile, his hand had cupped her breasts and she was reacting to him.
She hated that he had that kind of effect of her. When he squeezed her breasts, she gasped, biting down on his tongue. Riley could only laugh. Pulling away from her, hand and all, he asked, "So, still whirlwind?"
She shook her head. "Not as much," she said, scratching her nails into his leg, on up to his thigh.
"Not as much? Well, we should work on not at all." But before any work could be started, they heard Willow yell from the kitchen, "Supper’s ready!"
"Looks like we’ll have to put that on hold for a while." She heard Riley groan as she pulled him to his feet. In the kitchen everyone was crowded around the table, including Angel…and he was sitting in *her* chair. She politely asked Wesley to go sit by Angel, which he quickly obliged her on. She then pulled Riley down in the seat next to her, turning sideways, resting her feet in his lap. He didn’t seem to mind because all throughout dinner he tickled her feet mercilessly.
During dessert, she leaned toward him, her hand on his thigh, extremely close to his crotch, her nails digging in slightly. Whispering in his ear, "You *will* get payback." Her tongue darted out to delve into his ear, then she retracted back to her own chair, concentrating on the slice of strawberry cheesecake in front of her.
She first became aware of Riley’s hand on her knee as she took the first bite off her cake, but as she continued eating, his hand roamed farther and farther up. As he stroked her through the soft fabric of her panties, she tried very hard to keep a straight face and *not* react to him. With her mother and Giles, and all her friends at the table she didn’t want to give away what he was doing to her, but when it came to…this, she reacted, and Riley knew that.
Riley stared down at his own dessert, a smile on his face as he continued his torture on Buffy. He knew that he would be in *serious* trouble when they got upstairs later and he was actually looking forward to it. She shifted in her chair to give him better access; he didn't know whether he was happier or more surprised. But if she wanted it, he’d sure as hell give it to her.
Thank God the people around her weren’t focusing on her and Riley. Willow must’ve known what was up because everytime she’d look their way, she would smile, whisper something in Graham’s ear, causing Graham to look their way and shake his head.
She felt Riley’s fingers touch the hem of her panties, then his fingers slipped inside. Her entire body went rigid. She sat up completely straight, not moving a single muscle. The man was evil. Evil, evil, ev…She let out the deep breath that she hadn’t known she had sucked in when he reached her moist channel.
Slipping in a single finger he found her wet. Wet and hot and tight. He felt his cock stir to attention and if he didn’t want to have an accident all over his jeans right there, he really needed to stop what he was doing. But when she moved forward to meet his hand, he knew that he was in big trouble.
A few quick pumps of his finger inside her and he depleted it. She watched warily as he slipped his hand out of her, bringing it to his mouth. They had never done…*that*. She guessed it had to be a little dangerous with their friends and family crowded around the table, which was why they had gone that far with so many people there.
Buffy sat still as Willow, Cordelia and her mom started gathering up the dessert plates while everyone else left the table. Riley stood up, leaving the room after leaning down next to her ear, whispering, "A half-hour. Help with the dishes then say goodnight." His lips brushed gently across her neck, then he disappeared.
After regaining herself, she pushed away from the table and set about to help in the kitchen duty. A half-hour. She could wait that long. Then, she would ravish Riley’s body. With hopes of that in her mind, she stood beside Willow and helped with the dishes.
Sunnydale, 2000
Outside, the storm raged on. The rain beat against the roof and windows; the sound a truculent lullaby. The wind howled unavailingly as thunder continued to boom, lightning still cackling throughout the sky.
Inside, the apartment was swathed in darkness except for the flickering candles and their shadows dancing across the walls. Buffy and Riley stood apprehensively in front of one another, neither sure what move to make next.
He stared at her in the glimmering darkness. He wanted to touch her, but he was scared even though he had agreed to at least *try* to make love to her. After so many months of wanting her, craving her, here was his chance and he could pee in his pants from nervousness.
Taking a deep breath, he took a step toward her gently cupping her cheek. Her green eyes met his; her own absurdity and dubiousness of the entire situation was evident. "Am I the only one here who feels awkward?" he asked her, his voice husky with lust and solicitude.
She shook her head. "No, you’re not." She let out a deep, ragged breath, stepping away from him. "Look if you don’t want to do this we don’t have to do it. We can wait until we…" He wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her roughly against him, bringing his mouth down on hers. She was resistant at first to his kiss and for a moment he wanted to pull away, but just when he was ready to break the kiss, she surprised him by opening her mouth to him.
As their tongues entwined, her fingers laced through his hair, scratching at his scalp. Her fingers, the single touch was erotic. He didn’t know why, but it was. A mere touch from her would be erotic after six months of *not* being able to touch her.
As a clap of thunder exploded outside the window, they pulled apart. He could feel her shaking. "Buffy?" He pulled her against his chest, holding her tight. "Honey, what’s wrong?" he asked her, his concern for her evident with the deep emotion in his voice.
When she looked up at him, he saw the tears streaking down her face. "I…I don’t want to lose you, Riley. I don’t know what I would do, how I would go on if I lost you. I’m sorry for the hell I put you through and that day, I know nothing can make you forget, but I don’t want you to blame yourself. This is all *my* fault," she said, her fingers bunching his damp shirt in a tight fist.
Grasping her shoulders, he led her toward the bed, pushing her gently down onto the mattress. He sat beside her, cradling her tear streaked face in his hands. "What has happened between us is not all your fault, Buffy. I am to blame for some of it. I won’t let you burden yourself with what has gone wrong in our marriage. We hit a few rough spots. It’s not like it hasn’t happened before. We’ll move past it. We always do. But I want you to promise me something right here, right now."
Fresh tears falling from her eyes she whispered, "Anything."
He wiped her tears away, knowing that if he was forced to watch her continue to cry that he would start himself. "You won’t keep anything from me again; that you’ll be honest with me and when things go wrong *we* talk them out. I don’t want you running to a shrink, Spike, or Bryant if you need to talk to someone nor do I want you implementing another affair. Can you do that for me?"
She nodded. "Yes, I can and I will."
Taking a deep breath, shaking away the thoughts that were threatening to enter his mind, he reached for the buttons of her shirt. She stopped his hands after he’d unfastened a solitary button. "Riley, are you sure about this? If you aren’t comfortable or if you’d rather wait, we can. I’ll understand."
He pulled her onto his lap, pushing her blonde hair behind her shoulder. "Listen to me, I want you and I don’t want to wait another minute. I’ve had to wait six *whole* months for you and there’s no way I am passing up this opportunity," he said, chuckling softly.
"Well, if it gets weird or if you feel the least bit not at ease, then you’ll stop. Right?" she asked him. But he ignored her as he began unfastening the buttons all the way down her shirt. Once all the buttons were gone, he slid the navy blue garment off her shoulders, leaving her mere in a black lace bra and her jeans. He feathered kisses down her throat, over her shoulders as he kneaded her breasts through the laced fabric.
He moved behind her, pushing her hair to her left side as he rained kisses down the length of the back of her neck and over her shoulders as he pushed the straps of her bra down her silky soft arms. "Riley?"
He found the clasp of her bra, unhooking it. Sliding the garment down her arms, he let it fall onto the floor, joining her shirt. He kissed down her back, cupping her soft globes with his rough, callused hands.
As much as she was enjoying what he was doing, she stopped him, pulling him to her so that his head rested in her lap. "That night you left…where did you go?" He looked away from her, unable to meet her gaze. She laid a hand gently on his cheek, turning his head back to meet hers. "Tell me, Riley. I need to know."
He blinked, hesitating. Finally, he spoke. "Mostly I drove around to just clear my mind. I was looking for a reason for your behavior. I had to know why you were doing it, why you were pushing me away and out of your life. But if the answer you’re looking for is did I get drunk and pick up someone in a bar, I didn’t do the latter, but I did get drunk. I was hurt so what better to do than drown my sorrows in alcohol?"
She leaned down, kissing his lips softly, though not succumbing when he tried to insinuate his tongue into her mouth. "I am *really* sorry for what I put you through. I really am."
He jumped to his feet, pushing her onto her back on the bed, straddling her. "If you apologize to me one more I am going to--" he couldn’t think of anything bad to do to her and the smile on her lips was threatening his sanity.
"You’re gonna what, Riley?"
He answered her question by dipping his head to her breasts, taking one in his mouth as he fondled the other with his hand. As he nipped and sucked with his mouth, his hand was squeezing and stroking, making her arch her back upward to meet those that were torturing her.
Her entire body was on fire. Her skin was thrumming with anticipation along with longing and need. How had she gone so long without being with him? How had she survived without this? He moved down her stomach, reaching for the button of her jeans. He unsnapped it, eased down the zipper, and then began pulling them down her legs. She lifted her hips to aid him in the removal of the hindrance material.
Once it was removed and on the floor with the rest of her clothes, his eyes roamed over her partially nude body. He blinked once, her words from their last encounter like this ringing in his ears, "I don’t love you." He shook the thought away, focusing on the woman before him. All that she wore now was her black lace panties, which he divested her of quickly.
Starting at her feet, he kissed up one leg, then moved over to the opposite doing the exact same thing. Stretching out on top of her, he smoothed back her hair, whispering, "You are so beautiful."
Smiling up at him, she whispered, "You’re not so bad yourself." As his lips found hers once again, her hands ran up and down his back. Bunching the bottom hem of his damp shirt in tight fists, she pushed it up, breaking apart for a second to pull it over his head, throwing it onto the floor with her clothes. She grabbed tight onto his ass, pushing him harder to her, feeling his arousal through his jeans.
She took the upperhand, rolling them over. Straddling his waist, she entwined their fingers together as she molded her body to his, engaging him in another kiss. She parted his lips with her tongue, but let Riley control the kiss. She didn’t want to pressure him into doing anything that he wasn’t comfortable doing so she let him lead her.
Laving kisses down his chest, she traced every single one of his abdominal muscles, delighting with the fact that he had toned up a bit since the last time they’d made love. When she reached the juncture of his jeans, she stopped, raising her head to look at him. He took her hands, kissing each softly, nodding for her to continue.
Each forgot about the storm raging on outside the window. Blinded by passion and desire, there was only them. After she’d disposed Riley of his jeans and boxers, she straddled his waist once more, but didn’t stay there for long.
As another bout of thunder radiated through the sky, Riley flipped Buffy onto her back, poising himself at her entrance. Her words still rung in his ears and he still wondered if what she’d told him that morning were true. Did she not love him anymore? She wanted their marriage and him still, but did she not love him?
He dipped his head to conquer her lips once more, but her hands flattened against his chest, holding him off. Looking down into her eyes, he realized that something was wrong. "Buffy, are you okay?"
"No, I’m not, Riley," she whispered to him. Taking a deep breath, she said, "There’s something else that you need to know. I would’ve said it earlier, but I didn’t know how and right now it’s what I feel throughout my entire body and I can’t *not* tell you."
He watched her inhale deeply, then exhale it slowly. Her hesitance was driving him mad. What could be so dire?
She swallowed hard, then the words just rolled off her tongue, taking him by surprise. "I love you, Riley. I’ve tried to make myself believe that I didn’t, that I would learn not to…but I can’t help it. You’re the one I want…always. No matter what, you’ll always be the one I want. I just couldn’t have you not know that."
She didn’t get a response from him until hot tears hit her hot skin. "Oh, God, Riley." She pulled his head onto her chest, holding him close as sobs wracked his entire body. Unable to help it, she joined him in his sobbing. "Baby, it’s okay. Shh…stop crying," she tried to console him.
When he lifted his head she not only saw the smile on his face, but the happiness in his eyes. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that," he said as he began to kiss her mercilessly.
"Riley, I love and…and I need you," she whispered to him. "Now." Not needing to be told twice, Riley slid into her gently. She was tight and he heard her gasp. When he looked down at her, she just smiled and brought his lips back to hers.
Her kiss became rapacious and he tried very much to give her what she was craving…more of him. He began to stroke her, very slowly, moving in and out of her when he wanted nothing more than to ram into her again and again. His heart was banging against his chest at breakneck speed. He wanted to climb on the highest mountain and shout to the world that Buffy Summers loved him.
He held her gaze as he began thrusting against her warm moist walls. Her nails were digging into his shoulders, but it was an exquisite pain. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she lowered his head so that her lips were next to his ear. Whispering, "I love you, Riley Finn," in his ear, it drove him over the edge, exactly where she wanted him to go.
With that said, his stroking became more intense. He lowered his head, taking one of her nipples into his mouth. Sliding his hand down between their bodies he spread her apart and synchronally rubbed her aching nubbin and pushed himself deeper inside her.
His eyelids suddenly got heavy as he pushed himself as far into Buffy as their bodies would allow. Sweat bloomed over the length of him as he felt the tightening in his balls at the exact same time that Buffy’s walls began to constrict against him. He shivered with the onslaught of his climax, moaning, "Buffy…" the only name that had ever been on his lips.
With a sharp cry as she came, she dug her fingernails deep into Riley’s shoulders as she pressed her forehead against his, each murmuring words of devotion. Riley became limp on top of her. She pressed her hands against the corded muscles of his back and pulled him gently down on top of her.
Riley kissed her softly on the lips as he reached behind him, throwing the coverlet over them. With Buffy in his arms, he fell asleep a bittersweet smile on his face because in the morning he knew that he’d wake up and she’d be there.