Text enclosed in < > represents thoughts.
Musical Chairs
Willow marched up the stairs toward the wide double doors that marked the entrance to Sunnydale High School. He mouth was compressed with determination as she scanned the crowd. Buffy and Xander where nowhere to be found. She was determined to find Xander, to make things right between them. She was determined to remain friends with him. But she had made her decision last night. She would stay with Oz, and she was determined to stick to her decision.
She entered the school and headed for the library. She knew she might never love Oz the way that she loved Xander. But she also knew that Oz would care for her, that he would do everything in his power to make her happy. And while it made her heart ache to say no to Xander, she knew the pain would fade and in the long run she would be happier.
She pushed open the doors to the library. Buffy and Xander looked up as she entered. They were sitting on the tabletop, their heads close together as they discussed something quietly. < Probably me, > Willow realized. Buffy threw Willow a reassuring smile and hopped off the table.
"I have to go tell Giles all the juicy details about Drusilla," she said. Xander got down from the table as well and stood nervously twirling a pen between his fingers. Buffy headed for Giles' office, giving the pair one last glance before barging in on her Watcher.
"Willow," Xander said hesitantly, just as his name fell from her lips. She stopped, allowing him to go first. He was silently grateful, not sure he would be able to go through with it if he had to wait. "I'm sorry," he began. Willow opened her mouth to interrupt, but he continued quickly.
"You were right," he said hurriedly. "About everything. I AM a selfish bastard. And I had absolutely no right to do what I did. No right." He paused then continued. "I can't lose you," he told her forlornly. "You are the most important person in my life, though I know I don't always treat you that way." Willow felt tears begin to spring up in her eyes, but through a supreme effort of will she kept them back, determined to see this through without tears.
"I do care about your happiness though," he said. "And I promise I will never bring up what I said yesterday again, if you don't want me to..." he left the possibility open for her if she had changed her mind. < If you ever change your mind, > he thought, then continued aloud. "...I had no right to say it." < Even though it was true, > he added silently, his eyes boring into hers. He wondered if she could hear the unspoken ending.
"I need you, Will," he said. "You're my best friend." He looked at her intently, trying to find forgiveness in her eyes. He found it in her arms as she enfolded him in a hug.
"I'm sorry too," she whispered, just loud enough for him to hear. "I was cruel, and I didn't mean half of what I said." His heart beat wildly with hope, < What exactly was it that she didn't mean? > "I need you to be my friend," she said, quietly raising her face to look up at him. He felt the hope die, but he ignored the pain.
"I will always be your friend," he told her. < And I will always love you, > he thought.
< But I'll never speak those words again...not unless you want me to. > She buried her face in his chest, hiding the tear that slid unbidden out of her eye. She didn't see the tears that brightened his eyes with sadness. They shared their hug, both wrapped in their own regrets, both determined not to speak.
Buffy looked out at them from the window of Giles' office. Giles was attempting to quiz her on Drusilla but her attention was on her friends. Satisfied that they had reconciled, she turned back to Giles.
* * * * * * * * * *
Cordelia pushed open the door to the library, taking in the scene before her eyes. Willow was nestled in Xander's arms. She felt a sudden painful ache in the pit of her stomach. The pair separated as they heard her come in, but it was too late. She had already swept haughtily out of the library. < I don't care, > she told herself over and over again as she hurried towards the bathroom.
Oz walked slowly toward the library. He had a feeling she would be there. She and her friends, she and Xander. He didn't really want to see her with her friends around, but he couldn't wait any more to find out what she was going to do.
He had steeled himself for dumpage. He had hardened his heart. He would not shirk from it. If that was what she had decided, he would deal with it. He could deal with it.
< She's not the only girl in the world, you know, > he told himself. But it felt like a lie. She was the only girl that mattered.
He had almost reached the library when he was rammed into by a girl as she hurried out the double doors.
"I'm fine, thanks for asking," he yelled after her. But she didn't seem to hear him.
He pushed open the library doors, taking a deep breath.
"You should go after her," Willow was saying to Xander.
"Why?" Xander asked cluelessly.
"Because she was obviously upset," Willow began.
"All right," Xander said finally. "I'll go look for her, but when she hits me again...I'm blaming you." He grinned at her on his way out, nearly bumping into Oz. "Sorry man," Xander said. "For everything."
"That's ok," Oz answered, wondering what exactly Xander was apologizing for. Nearly bumping into him, the rudeness on Saturday, or maybe the fact that he had stolen Willow away. Xander gone, Oz turned his attention to Willow. "What was that all about?" he asked.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Xander walked out of the library, just in time to see Cordelia enter the women's bathroom at the end of the hall. He sighed and trudged the length of the hall until he reached the door of the bathroom. < She has to come out eventually, > he thought.
< So I'll just wait here, I guess. > He sat with his back to the wall on the other side of the hall, his eyes watchfully trained on the bathroom door.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I must be allergic to something, my eyes are getting all teary," Cordelia said to herself, determined to deny any other reason for the tears that began to spill out onto her cheeks. She locked herself into one of the stalls. < Cordelia Chase does not cry, > she told herself. < Well, unless she's in danger of being killed painfully...but she most certainly does not cry over idiot loser boys and their nerdy girlfriends. It's my stupid sinuses...that’s all. >
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"You were right," Willow bubbled to Oz. "We ARE still friends...we made up."
"Well that's great," Oz said, uncertainly.
"Yeah, anyway. Cordelia burst out of here, obviously upset...so I sent Xander after her."
"He didn't seem to want to go," observed Oz. "Isn't that strange? Cordelia is such a pleasant girl." Willow laughed at the sarcasm, and Oz let some of the tension in his back relax.
"So are you playing this weekend?" Willow asked.
"Yeah," Oz answered. "Why?"
"Oh," Willow answered. "Because I thought maybe we could do something...together."
Oz stared at her in shock, letting the words sink in. For a second he wanted to scream, and jump and run. < She chose me, > his heart pounded out the rhythm. < She ... chose...me.> He realized that she was waiting for an answer, and rushed to fill the silence.
"Yeah," he confirmed. "Yeah, we can definitely do something...but you're going to decide where we go this time, right?" She looked at him doubtfully, then a smile blossomed on her lips; and he felt himself holding his breath as he did everytime she turned that smile on him.
"I guess I could decide," she said. < Hey I just made the hugest decision of my life...I think I can pick between frozen yogurt and dancing after that. > The bell rang loudly, and Buffy burst out of Giles' office to get her bag.
"Just passing through," she assured as she breezed out the door. Willow watched her go with a bemused smile, then turned her attention to the class she had to get to. She picked up her bag and slung it over her shoulder. Oz was still waiting for her.
"Walk you to class?" he asked. She nodded in response, relinquishing her hand to him. Together they braved the crowded halls of Sunnydale High. For a moment Willow wished that it was Xander's hand she held in hers, but then she buried the thought. < This is for the best > she assured herself for the fortieth time. She looked over at Oz, and he was so happy. He looked like he had just won a battle, a victorious warrior. She grinned at him and felt the warmth of his smile in return. He left her at the door to her classroom, and she watched him until he had disappeared into the crowd.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Xander heard the bell ring and rose to his feet. Cordelia was still in there. He had watched every person to go in or come out, and had gotten a lot of dirty looks for his trouble. But she would have to come out now, the bell had rung. Classes were about to begin. He waited impatiently as the crowds in the halls started to thin. When the second bell rang, she was still nowhere to be seen.
He stared at the door. The forbidden door. Then he glanced up and down the hall. He knew he should just let it go and head to class. But he had skipped classes for stupider reasons than one of his friends being in trouble. Taking a deep breath he crossed the hallway and stood hesitantly in front of THE door. Slowly he pushed it open with his hand. He entered the bathroom like a swimmer entering cold water, one inch at a time. There didn't seem to be any girls in the room, naked or otherwise.
He exhaled a breath in relief, and a little disappointment. Then turned his attention back to his reason for being here.
"Cordelia?" he called. There was no answer. He dropped to his knees to look under the stall doors, no feet. He wondered for a moment if she was not in the room, and he had made a horrible mistake. But he was sure that she hadn't left.
"I know you're in here," he called. He heard a heavy sigh as two feet stepped down to the floor.
"This is the WOMEN'S bathroom," Cordelia said meaningfully. "Think about that for a minute."
"Yeah I know," Xander answered. "I've always wanted to know what it was like."
"Well you've done the little tourist gig, take your pictures and get out," Cordelia snapped.
"Not until you tell me what's going on," he said stubbornly. "And come out of the stall."
Cordelia looked at herself in the hand mirror she always carried with her. She had repaired the damage done to her make-up by the tears. In fact, she couldn't even tell that she had been crying. She looked at her hair, perfect. Her face, perfect. But it didn't give her the usual pleasure to know that she looked perfect.
"I don't wanna," she called.
"Fine," Xander yelled. "If you won't come out, I'm coming in." He flopped to the floor and soon his face appeared under the stall door as he wriggled his way in. Cordelia screamed as he invaded the stall, backing away from his wiggling form. Once inside, he rose to his feet. "I hope you realize that I just scooted through something wet, and I don't think I want to know what it is."
Cordelia's mouth stretched into a smile as a laugh tried to bubble up her throat. She swallowed it angrily. < That was NOT funny, > she reprimanded herself. < It was annoying. > "Not funny, Harris," she said, crossing her arms angrily across her chest.
"Too late," he teased. "I saw the smile." He put down the toilet lid and took a seat. "Now tell me what that whole rushing out of the library thing was about."
"I had a sinus attack," she answered haughtily.
"If that's true, then why are you still in here?" he asked.
"That's none of your business," she sniffed.
"Tell the truth, Cordy," Xander said chidingly. "You came in here to purge didn't you." Cordelia's mouth dropped open in shocked disgust as he said the words.
"How dare you!" she yelled. Then her eyes fell on his grin, and she realized that he had been joking...and that he had gotten exactly the reaction he wanted. Her eyes narrowed. "You know.." she said. "There's something appropriate about you being in the girls' bathroom."
"Are you calling me a woman?" Xander asked. "Me, Xander...the manliest man to ahh..roam the land." He pounded his chest with his fist and this time Cordelia couldn't keep the laughter from bubbling out. Xander watched in satisfaction. "I win," he said smugly. That remark made Cordelia cut the laughter off.
"Look," he said. 'I don't want to fight. I just want to make sure you're ok." Cordelia hesitated.
"So you told Willow?" she asked. "About how you feel?"
"Yeah," Xander answered, suddenly not as blithe.
"So you guys are together?" she continued.
"No," Xander said shortly. "She basically blasted me out...she had a right to."
"But I saw you two hugging," Cordelia protested.
"Yeah, that was just a friendly hug," he said a little bitterly. "You know, the kind that people who are just friends have."
"I'm sorry," she began. She was a little surprised to know that it was true. She had thought that this was what she wanted...to have Willow and Xander not be together. But his miserableness took the fun out of it. < We're both miserable, > she realized. Her glum thoughts were interrupted by insistent pounding on the stall door. She looked at Xander in sudden panic.
"This stall is occupied," she yelled.
"I can see that," the dry voice of Principal Snyder answered. "By two people." Cordelia and Xander exchanged a look of doom.
"But what are you doing in the girls' bathroom Principal Snyder?" Cordelia couldn't help but ask.
"I followed your companion in here," Snyder answered, pleased with himself. "I knew you were up to something." His voice rose to a bellow. "NOW OPEN THAT DOOR!"
Slowly Cordelia reached forward and unlocked the stall door, pushing it open. Snyder stood, arms crossed across his chest, a disdainful look on his face.
"Harris," he said. "Why am I not surprised?" He stood back to give them room to leave the stall, then clapped a heavy hand on each of their shoulders. "My office, now march," he ordered.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Oz sat in his class. His heart raced with excitement, but his head felt fuzzy. He sat on the edge of his chair, still humming with disbelief, barely able to contain himself.
< I won, > his heart exulted. But after the lecture began, he started to settle down. His brain started to take over, and it was full of questions. The most persistent of which was, < Why? >. He couldn't answer the question. He couldn't understand it. He knew coldly, rationally that Willow did not feel the same way about him that he did about her. So why would she pick him? Why would she give up what she had always dreamed of?
He needed to know, though he had the feeling he would not like the answer. Fear once again clutched at him, attempting to shred the happiness he had felt just a moment before. His victory tasted sour. < Lunchtime, > he thought. < I'll ask her then. > The fear tore at him, despite his efforts to deny it. He did not want to lose her, but he could not let it rest.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Oz pushed open the doors to the library, his eyes scanning the room for signs of life. Apparently he had beaten the others there. He set his bag down and wandered absently into the stacks. < I've never been in here voluntarily, > he realized suddenly. In fact, before today he had never been in the school library at all. < Why is that? > he wondered. < Do I even know anyone besides Willow and her friends that comes in here?>
His musings were interrupted as Willow and Buffy entered the library together. He stood silently, watching them from the stacks. Quietly he drank Willow in, every detail. Her red hair that shone like burnished copper, sitting above her glorious brain. He had never met anyone as smart as she was...and yet she was so insecure. Her eyes, so large he thought he would drown in them every time he looked at her. Her lips. Lips that had touched his own. He shuddered slightly.
< What am I doing? > he demanded of himself. < Why mess with a good thing? > But he had to ask. Slowly he emerged from the stacks and called a greeting.
"Hey."
"Oh, hi..." Buffy answered. She looked quickly from Willow to Oz and back. "I have a feeling that I was just leaving." she said with a tiny sigh. She headed for the door, bag slung over her shoulder. < I hope this doesn't become a habit, > she thought. < I'm feeling particularly third-wheelish today. >
"So what's up?" Willow asked once Buffy had left.
"There's just something that's been bothering me," Oz answered.
"What do you mean?" Willow asked.
"I mean...I've been trying to figure something out and I can't, so I thought I would just ask you."
"What, you mean like a math problem?" Willow asked. Oz smiled despite himself.
"Not exactly," he said. "I need to know why you chose to stay with me...when you could have had Xander."
"Xander's just a friend." she said, side-stepping the question.
"Willow," Oz began. "I know you have feelings for him...I can see that. So I need to know why you would choose to stay with me." Willow twisted her fingers anxiously, trying to think of a way to explain herself. < Why is it that he could figure out my feelings for Xander in a couple of weeks...and Xander never did? > she wondered.
"Ok.." she started. "You want the truth?"
"Yeah," he answered. "Please."
"I do have feelings for Xander...but I thought that it would be better to stay with you. I thought that in the long run I would be happier." She paused, then forced herself to continue. "And I thought that this would be the way where the least people got hurt."
< I didn't want to hurt you, > she added silently.
"Why would you be happier with me?" Oz asked, trying to understand.
"Because.." Willow began, then struggled for words that would explain what she was thinking without offending. "I don't think Xander is really in love with me...he's probably just confused.."
"And you know that I AM in love with you?" Oz asked.
"Well, you seem like you really do care about me..." Willow said awkwardly. "And I like you a lot."
"So you went with the *safe guy* that you knew you could count on," Oz said.
"Sort of...but that's not exactly..."
"It's ok," Oz said, cutting her off. "I understand....and you were right. I do care about you." He shook his head. "But this can't happen."
"What?" Willow asked helplessly. "What can't happen?"
"I can't go out with you...I can't be with you knowing that you're thinking of him."
"But I'm getting over him," Willow protested.
"Willow," Oz began with a sigh. "If someone asked me why I was with you I would answer that I was in love with you...so you see what I'm getting at. You are not in love with me."
"Well, I've only known you for two or three weeks," Willow argued. "Most people take a little longer than that to fall in love."
"I know," Oz said soothingly. "This isn't coming out right. I'm not attacking you...I'm just saying that the way things are now...you wouldn't be happy. You'd be wishing you were with him. And I wouldn't be happy, because I'd know that I wasn't enough for you."
"So you're dumping me," Willow said flatly.
"I guess I am," Oz agreed, feeling his heart wrench painfully. Willow turned away from him, and he felt his heart ache even more. He touched her shoulder lightly to bring her around to face him. "You have to understand," he began. "That I DO love you...you are the most incredible person that I have ever met." She blushed unwillingly under the compliment. "But I can't be the guy that you wish was someone else."
"I wish it could be different," Willow whispered brokenly.
"So do I," Oz answered fervently. "But the fact that you picked me is enough for me...I know that at least." She wiped the tears from her eyes and lifted her eyes to his. "You have to realize that it wouldn't work. Maybe if you had had more time to get over Xander...or if Xander hadn't told you his feelings...maybe if it had been a different time, things would be different."
"Promise me we'll still be friends," she demanded.
"I promise," he whispered, knowing how hard it would be to see the two of them together...her and Xander. But he couldn't give her up completely. She was one in a million. And the fact that she didn't want to lose him warmed his heart. He was doing the right thing; he was sure. She would be happier, and her happiness was more important to him than his own. < But does it have to hurt so much? > he wondered.
Xander burst angrily through the library doors, breaking the silence that enfolded the library.
"Well," he said loudly. "You can call me the King of Detention...and the Heir to Expulsion.. " He trailed off as he noticed the pain that was evident on both Oz and Willow's faces. "Ooops," he said. "Sorry guys. I'll just.." Quickly he turned and backed out the library doors. Oz watched him go before turning back to Willow.
"I have to talk to him," he said. She nodded silently, and he ran for the door. She surprised him by catching up to him, holding him back. She forced him to face her and deliberately placed her lips on his. He wrapped his arms around her, letting himself have one last kiss. Then he broke away, heading after Xander...pausing only long enough to run his fingers lightly down the side of her face.
Willow watched him go, part of her wanting to run after him. But what good would it do. He had made his decision, and she would not question it...he had lost more than she by making it. < Or had he? > She was not sure exactly what she had lost. But she was suddenly certain that it was no small thing. She had lost something precious. Still, she could not deny that she was gaining her dream.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Oz caught up with Xander as the boy was heading towards the courtyard. He turned in surprise when Oz called his name.
"Come with me," Oz ordered him. Xander considered protesting, but ended up following Oz docilely. Oz opened the door to the infamous utility closet and pushed him inside. Xander had a sudden flash of Oz wanting a make-out session, but quickly buried the thought in disgust.
"So what's this about?" Xander asked the smaller boy. For an answer, Oz grabbed a handful of Xander's T-shirt and pushed him against the wall. "Ok, I take it you're upset about something.." Xander said, angrily attempting to brush Oz's hands off him.
"I don't like you," Oz spat. "But for some reason Willow is in love with you...so when I let you go you are going to go back to the library and find her..." he hesitated. "And I'm sure you two can figure out what to do after that..." Xander tried to figure out the meaning of the words Oz was spitting at him.
"You broke up with her?" he asked.
"Not because I wanted to," Oz said angrily. "But I can't compete with you...you've known her too long...she's loved you too long." He pushed Xander against the wall again. "But you listen to me...you are NOT the only one that's in love with her. And if you EVER hurt her. I will kick your ass from here to Sunday and take her away from you again."
"Ok," Xander said holding his hands up in surrender under the other boy's ferocity. "I don't want to hurt her any more than you do." Oz released his hold on Xander's shirt and left the closet without a backwards glance. Xander rubbed at the painful spot on his chest where Oz had grabbed him. Then the words that Oz had spoken sunk in, and Xander hurried back to the library.
Willow was there, sitting in one of the chairs and staring absently into the distance.
"Xander," she exclaimed as he rushed in.
"Is it true?" he asked. "Is what Oz said true?"
"I don't know what Oz said," Willow told him patiently.
"Do you still just want to be friends?" he asked, more specifically. He did not want to offend her...if Oz was wrong.
"No," she mouthed shaking her head.
"I love you," he told her, once he had her permission to speak. "I swear that it's true...I think I always have. I was just afraid that changing our relationship would mean I would lose my best friend." She stared at him wordlessly, and he could see the struggle on her face as she tried to decide whether she could believe. With a cry she threw herself into his arms, and he could see that her decision was made.
He ran his hands through her hair as he lowered his lips to hers. This time she gave in to the fireworks, allowing his tongue to slip inside her as she reached up to pull him closer. He held her as if she were something precious, something he would never let go. His hands ran over her body, and she felt something crumble inside her. She let the barriers she had built down, allowing herself to trust...allowing herself to love him without fear or restraint. Their lips parted and their eyes met. Xander felt himself fall into those eyes as she reached up to entwine his hair through her fingers.
"I love you," she whispered, saying the words out loud to him for the first time. He lifted her in his arms. Her lips met his, and he felt the joy of being with her. The joy of hearing her say those words to him. So much joy that he thought he would explode. Their bodies were one, and the rest of the world no longer existed.
Buffy peeked inside the round windows of the library's door to see her two best friends kissing. She smiled a little to herself and turned away from the door. < Being a third-wheel isn't the worst thing that could've happened to me, > she thought. As she turned, she saw Cordelia coming toward her.
"You don't wanna go in there," Buffy cautioned her.
"Why not?" Cordelia asked suspiciously.
"Xander and Willow are in there," she explained. Ignoring Buffy's warning, Cordelia peered into the library.
"I suppose that's a just friends kiss," she muttered.
"I think they're taking their relationship up a notch," Buffy said with a grin.
"I can see that, Buffy," Cordelia said, annoyed. "I do have two eyes, both of which work perfectly well."
"You really liked him didn't you?" Buffy asked understandingly.
"What?" Cordelia asked. "Please, we were a totally physical relationship...nothing else." < Just because he was the only boy that ever really listened to me...the only one who dared to argue with me...the only boy that makes me laugh that way. Why would I be in love with him? >
"Ok," said Buffy, obviously not believing Cordelia's words. "Whatever you say."
"So, if Willow's not with Oz, he’s free," said Cordelia speculatively. "He IS the lead guitar you know."
"Don't," he said warningly as he walked up to the group. Cordelia's eyes met his, recognizing a pain like her own.
"Don't what?" she asked innocently. The three of them stood for a moment watching the couple inside. Each wishing. Buffy for a relationship that could survive the daylight. Cordelia and Oz each for one half of the couple inside. With a set of sighs they turned to each other.
"Anybody up for lunch?" Buffy asked.
"Why not," said Oz.
"With you?" Cordelia asked disdainfully, then stopped herself. "Why not," she answered.
"And by the way, Buffy," Cordelia continued as they left. "I have detention because of your friend back there...detention. I don't have time for detention. I have shopping to do, cheers to learn. I am going to miss my manicure and..."
"What are you talking about?" Buffy interrupted.
"I'm TALKING about your idiot friend Xander who came in the girls' bathroom and got us detention."
"Xander went in the girls' bathroom?" Buffy asked, laughing.
"It's not funny...he wriggled under the stall door.." Cordelia began. She looked at the two grinning faces next to her. She thought about it for a second. "Ok, it IS funny." The trio broke into giggles at the thought of Xander wriggling. "You should have seen the look on Snyder's face when he saw Xander sitting there on the toilet.." she continued. The group cracked up again, heading out into the sunlight. Nothing seemed so lonely in the sunlight, when you were laughing your head off with a couple of friends.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Giles quickly shut the library door. He wiped anxiously at his forehead with a handkerchief. He hadn't realized that the two of them were in there, but when he walked in there they were. Lips melded together. He shuddered. Public displays of affection frightened him. < I wonder where Miss Calendar is, > he suddenly thought to himself, a roguish smile spreading across his lips before he could stop it.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Inside the library, Giles' intrusion went unnoticed.
"You really love me?" Willow asked, when she and Xander paused for breath. "Really and truly."
"I swear it," he answered.
"It wasn't just jealousy?" she asked.
"No," Xander said. "I was jealous...but I was jealous because I love you." Satisfied, Willow linked her arms behind his back and looked up at him.
"Kiss me," she whispered.
"With pleasure," he answered, cupping her face with his hand as he lowered his mouth to hers. Once again they were lost in each other, and they stayed lost until the jangling bell broke through the haze that surrounded them.
"I'll walk you to class," he offered.
"Why thank you," she answered, extending her hand. She believed him now. She believed that he did love her. There was a little guilt spoiling her happiness. She knew that they had hurt people to be together. Still, she could not imagine trading this. She looked up at the tall dark haired boy beside her. Her best friend...her boyfriend. Her soul shivered with the thought, and she held on to his hand tighter. Not just a dream anymore. It was real.
the end
NOTE: I know that there are lots and lots of Oz/Willow fans and Xander/Cordy fans who don't like this ending at all. But before you flame me please remember that I wrote this before either of those couples became anything serious on the show.
all feedback and flames can be sent to ladyrhood@aol.com