This part contains some cursing.
Text enclosed in < > represents thoughts.
Musical Chairs
by:Rebecca Carefoot
Part 4
Sunday passed uneventfully, and soon the alarm was buzzing to wake Willow for school on Monday. She hit the alarm button and staggered into the shower. After getting dressed and grabbing a bite to eat, she hitched a ride to school with her dad.
Buffy was waiting for her on the front steps of the school, her blonde hair twisted up into a knot, sunglasses firmly on her face. She smiled when she saw Willow approaching and hurried to meet her.
"So do you wanna hear my plan?" were the first words from the Slayer's mouth.
"Sure," said Willow hesitantly.
"Well, here's what we're going to do. We're going to go into the library. Xander’s already there. I saw him go in. And we're going to pretend that we don't know he's there. And then we're going to talk about him...loudly...behind his back," Buffy explained her plan excitedly.
"Well, what're we going to say about him?" Willow asked doubtfully.
"I'm going to talk about how I think he's gay!!" Buffy exclaimed.
"But Xander's so incredibly ungay," protested Willow. "We've all seen him lusting after girls...even lusting after you."
"Yeah, Will I know he's not gay...but this is all a joke remember? And the cool thing is that he can't defend himself outright because then he has to admit that he was eavesdropping," Buffy said, almost hopping up and down.
"Well I don't know how well this going to work," Willow said. "But I guess if it doesn't work then we didn't really lose anything, huh?"
"That's the spirit!"
"All right let's go screw up the poor boy's mind!" said Willow, beginning to catch her friend's enthusiasm.
The two girls entered the library giggling. They scanned the room for signs of Xander. Buffy spotted him near the back of the stacks, and pointed him out to Willow who nodded.
"Now you just let me do the talking," Buffy whispered. "You can take Xander's side..ok?" Willow nodded again.
"What were you trying to tell me about Xander?" she asked Buffy in a loud voice.
"Oh God, Will," Buffy answered just as loudly. "I think you better sit down for this." She made a show of looking nervously around the room. "He's not here is he?" she asked.
"I don't see him," Willow answered. "Why are you being so mysterious?" The two girls ignored the fact that Xander was creeping slowly closer to get a better view.
"Will," said Buffy dramatically, grabbing Willow’s hand. "I think Xander is gay!"
"What?!" Willow exclaimed, ignoring the soft gasp that came from Xander's hiding place in the stacks.
"Think about it," Buffy said.
"Buffy, he's always chased girls..." Willow protested.
"That's just a cover," Buffy said, waving Willow's protests away with her hand. "Why do you think he always goes after the wrong girl?" Willow just shrugged her shoulders. "Because he doesn't actually want a GIRL," Buffy explained.
"What are you talking about?" Willow asked skeptically.
"The praying mantis teacher. Please, what student ends up with a teacher? He was just pretending because all the other boys were into her."
"What about the girl that was a mummy?" Willow pointed out.
"Xander probably figured out that we were on to him, so he picked a girl who was leaving in a few weeks to *have a crush on.* He figured he could deal with a it for a few weeks."
"But...you?" Willow asked.
"He knew I wasn't interested. So he was safe pretending to be in love with me," said Buffy casually.
"Well when you explain it that way..." Willow said, letting her resistance appear to weaken.
"Besides," said Buffy leaning across the table to deliver a secret. "I think he's been wearing lipstick and perfume," she whispered as loudly as she could.
"You're imagining thing," Willow defended.
"I don't know, Will. I smelled the perfume. That was not guy's cologne. I saw his lips...that color was not natural."
"There could be tons of explanations for that," Willow argued vehemently.
"Yeah..if he was dating someone. But he's not," Buffy declared. She stared at Willow who sat silently, at a loss for words. < And now for the clincher, > she thought, hiding an evil grin.
"But do you have any other evidence?" Willow finally asked.
"Remember how jealous he got when I went out with Owen? " Buffy asked. "Or how jealous he is of Angel?"
"Sure," Willow said. "See he really did like you."
"Not so fast," Buffy declared. "He wasn't jealous of Angel and Owen. He was attracted to them! He was jealous of me!!" She sat back in her chair, having imparted her secret knowledge, and gave Willow a knowing grin.
"But how can we know for sure?" Willow asked.
"Watch and see if he starts *chasing* Cordelia," Buffy said, emphasizing the word chasing to imply her disbelief that Xander was really after any girl at all. "We all know she would never go for him. So that's the perfect cover."
"I don't know.." Willow began, then trailed off as the bell rang abruptly.
"Ooh, we gotta go," said Buffy snatching up her bag. Willow hurried to do the same and they exited the library together, holding in their giggles until they were outside the swinging double doors.
Xander looked after them, shock and horror written on his face. < Buffy thinks I'm gay? > he repeated over and over to himself. The thought was incomprehensible. "I'm not gay," he muttered to himself. "I am not." But how to prove it to them. < I can't just go up and say 'hey guys heard ya talking and guess what..I'm not gay.' I just have to find a way to convince them, > he told himself firmly. < But how could Buffy think I'm gay? > he asked, beginning to feel a little angry. < Oh No! > he thought, suddenly struck by a horrible possibility. < What if she goes and tells a bunch of other people? She wouldn't though, would she? > he asked himself. He snatched up his bag and headed for class, his mind whirling confusedly. His only lucid thought was relief that Willow had been skeptical. She had defended him and for that he was extremely grateful.
< She's always defended me, > he realized. She always stood by him. < I don't even realize how much she does for me, > he thought. < I take her for granted. But not anymore, > he decided. < Not ever again. >
* * * * * * * * *
Having managed to fidget through three classes, Xander slipped into the utility closet a few minutes after the bell rang for lunch. Cordelia was already there, perched gingerly on an overturned bucket.
"You're late," she accused. "Do you think this is my idea of a good time, sitting here in the filth and the dark?"
"Buffy thinks I'm gay," was Xander's only answer.
"What?" Cordelia laughed.
"I heard her talking about it with Willow," Xander explained morosely.
"Even I never thought you were gay," Cordelia said, still laughing. "I just thought you were a big loser."
"Gee thanks, Cordy," Xander said sarcastically. "I knew I could count on you to mock my pain."
"Oooh, did I make baby sad?" Cordelia asked in a tiny child like voice. But she did try to curb her laughter. "Why does she think you're gay?" she asked once she was able to keep a straight face.
"She had this whole list of reasons...all idiotic, all insane."
"So they were pretty good reasons then?" Cordelia asked.
"Well, I almost believed her," Xander said, exaggerating a little.
"So why don't you just tell her you're not gay?" Cordelia asked, studying her nails as well as she could in the dim light.
"Oh good idea!" Xander mocked. "Why didn't I think of that? Of course that's what I'll do. All I have to do is walk up to her and proclaim 'Buffy, I am not gay!' Then all my problems will be solved."
"Well if you don't like the idea, think of something yourself," Cordelia said angrily.
"I'll just tell her about US," Xander exclaimed suddenly. "She won't think I'm gay if she knows I've been making out with you."
"Right, so problem solved." Cordelia stood up and wrapped her arms around Xander's neck. "So why don't you prove just how straight you are, right now," she breathed.
Xander wrapped his arms around her waist and lowered his lips to meet hers. She responded to his kiss, running her hands up and down his body. With a shudder he felt his body react to her touches. But it didn't feel right. Reluctantly he pulled away.
"What?" she asked.
"I can't do it," he said simply, refusing to meet her eyes.
"What are you talking about?" she demanded.
"I can't be here...with you." He tried to explain. "It feels wrong." He hesitated a moment before continuing. He wasn't even sure what he was doing. This wasn't something he wanted to lose, was it? But still the thought was there and he spoke it aloud, "I should be kissing someone else."
"Oh you should?" Cordelia asked, her voice rising in anger. "And who exactly would this mystery woman be?"
"Willow," Xander whispered, the word popping out of his mouth almost before he noticed himself speaking. But once the word was out, he knew it was true. She was the one who had loved and cared for him for their whole lives. And the truth was he loved and cared for her in a way that was distinctly beyond friendship. He sat down dejectedly on the upside down bucket. < I'm in love with Willow, > he realized. < I have been for years, but I was too stupid or scared to admit it to myself. I was too scared that I would lose our friendship...the best relationship in my life. >
Cordelia heard his words, and stood silent for a moment considering things. His words hurt her more than she wanted to admit. She had told herself again and again that she was only with Xander for his body. It was totally hormonal. But hearing that he loved someone else hit her like a credit card denial.
Rejection was what she feared most, and here it was staring her in the face. Rejected by a loser, a guy she wouldn't even admit to her friends that she knew. < I shouldn't have hidden this, > she thought suddenly. < I should've said 'the hell with them' and dated him publicly...maybe then I wouldn't be losing him. > She shook herself angrily.
< This is ridiculous! You don't need him...you never have. > She considered yelling at him. Calling him names for wasting her time. < And her love >, her heart interjected. < But I'm done yelling, > she decided. < At least for today.>
With a sigh, she dropped into a crouch and gently brushed her hand through Xander's soft, black hair. She felt her heart bleeding as she said, "You should tell her."
He lifted dejected eyes to look at her. "But she has a boyfriend," he protested.
"Oh come on," she said impatiently, "they've known each other for like two weeks. You're acting like they're already married."
"So you really think I should tell her?" he asked, hope entering his voice.
"I really do," she said, gritting her teeth a little. She touched his sleeve lightly, saying "But if she says no..." She left the statement unfinished, but he knew what she meant. She would be waiting, at least for a little while. He grabbed her hand in his, holding onto her tightly.
"Thank you," he said. "You have a good heart, Cordy," he told her. "Better than most people I know."
"Um, don't spread that around," Cordelia said, though she was flattered. "I have a rep, remember?"
"Right," said Xander. "Hey you wanna help that rep along?" he asked as a mischievous glint lit his eyes.
"What did you have in mind?" Cordelia asked, her eyes beginning to shine as well.
* * * * * *
The dull roar that filled the hallways during lunch was suddenly broken as the sound of arguing met the students' ears.
"As if!" Cordelia's strident scream assaulted the halls. "Like I'm ever going to go out with a loser like you!"
"Who even asked you to go out?" Xander screamed back.
"Oh don't even pretend, grunge boy. Don't think I don't know what you were trying."
"Believe me, you...hag..." Xander responded. "I do not want to date you. I never have, and I never will."
"Thank God you're right about one thing," Cordelia yelled. "You never will date me. Or any other girl...if she's lucky."
"What do you know about what girls want?" Xander asked. "You're not one."
"You're right," Cordelia answered. "I'm a woman and it's BOYS like you that give dating a bad name."
The arguing pair was soon surrounded by onlookers. Some crowded in a circle, pushing for a better view. Others pretended not to notice, but didn't move away.
"Bitch," Xander screamed.
"Whore," Cordelia hissed back. She drew back her hand and slapped him forcefully across the cheek. Shock widened Xander's eyes as he put his hand to his cheek. Slowly he backed away, still holding his cheek, and headed for the library. Cordelia stood surrounded by the crowd, which cheered her on. Her mouth curled in disdain as she watched him go, but her eyes were sad. No one noticed.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Buffy lounged in one of the library's chairs, her feet balanced on the dark wooden tabletop. She was grinning at Willow, who sat in the chair across from her. The red-headed girl's hands were clenched tightly in her lap as she leaned forward and anxiously asked. "Are you sure that Xander's not going to be too mad?"
"Come on Will, it's a practical joke. It's supposed to make him mad. It's supposed to make him sorry for being such an asshole the other day."
"I know...but I feel sorry for him," Willow said miserably.
"Well, I for one, am happy with how things went. We could both be actresses," Buffy declared.
"Ha Ha," said Willow sarcastically.
"Oh come on Will, didn't you have fun setting him up?" asked Buffy with a smile.
"No," Willow stated firmly. Buffy gave her a doubtful look and she revised her answer. "Ok, maybe just a little. But I still say.." She broke off as Xander entered the library rubbing his jaw, a pained expression on his face.
"What happened to you?" Willow asked, getting up from her chair.
"Cordelia and I had a mock fight...and she hit me a lot harder than I was expecting," he answered. "That woman has got some muscle!"
"So why were you and Cordelia playing?" Buffy asked.
"It's a long story," said Xander. "We were...making out in the utility closet," he said emphasizing each word. "We have been for days."
"And you didn't tell me?" Buffy shrieked, as if she hadn't heard the information from Willow.
"Well, it was a secret," Xander claimed defensively. "But it's been intense. Kissing, groping..you know how it is." Buffy rolled her eyes in Willow's direction and tried to resist the urge to laugh at Xander's defense of his manhood. "Nothing really new, for a man like me," he finished.
"A manly man," Buffy suggested.
"Well yeah," Xander answered. He got no reaction from either of the girls, so he decided to be a little more specific. "Definitely not a gay man," he said desperately. "Not that's there's anything wrong with that lifestyle. For those people who would want to.." he trailed off hopelessly.
"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked. "What's with the homophobia all of a sudden?" Xander glared at her, trying to figure out her reaction. "I mean we all know you're not gay..." she said, looking at Willow, who nodded in response.
"Right," said Xander. "Because I'm so damn manly." He felt a strong urge to bang his head against the table. < What the hell is going on? > he thought frustratedly. His frustrations were interrupted as Giles emerged from the stacks, a book in hand.
"I think I've got it!" he exclaimed.
"I need to talk to you later," Xander said to Willow quietly. She nodded briefly before turning her attention back to the Watcher.
"Got what, Giles?" Buffy asked patiently.
"It was in one..one of the Watcher diaries," Giles explained. Met with blank stares he continued, "One of the earlier Slayers also had a vendetta of sorts with Spike and Drusilla...her Watcher gives a detailed account of what Drusilla was like at that time. When she was strong."
"So now we've got a profile?" Buffy asked.
"How does it look?" Willow interjected.
"Well, it's not good," Giles answered.
"Could you maybe elaborate on that one, Giles?" Buffy asked.
"This Slayer was situated in England. Apparently it was just a few years after Spike was created. In other words Angel was still with them at that point."
"Am I not going to like this story?" Buffy asked.
"Well probably not," said Giles. "But forget about Angel for the moment...we're focusing on Drusilla."
"Well dish," suggested Buffy.
"She is as I said before, quite mad. She has an...unnatural attachment to her dolls. And she thinks of herself as a princess."
"And a princess gets everything she wants," interrupted Xander.
'"Exactly," responded Giles. "She's ruthless. And apparently she possesses some sort of clairvoyance."
"What, you mean like she's a psychic?" Buffy asked.
"Yes," Giles answered. "And make no mistake...she is more powerful than Spike. Not...not physically you understand. But she is the one who runs the show."
"But she may be dead," Willow said hopefully.
"Having read this account," Giles began, "I am more reluctant than ever to assume. Remember she was thought to have been killed in Prague."
"I'm still not getting exactly what makes her so much worse than Spike or the Master," Buffy declared.
"And the streets ran with blood, and the city was filled with the sounds of innocents screaming," quoted Giles ominously.
"And that's supposed to mean what exactly?" Buffy asked.
"Her doing...her party," Giles elaborated.
"Oh," Buffy answered understanding. "But you still haven't told us anything that will help us A) figure out where she is...assuming she's still alive of course...or B) tell us how to stop her."
"That's because I have not yet figured out a way to stop her," Giles answered patiently.
"Your diary doesn't tell you anything?" Buffy asked.
"The Slayer this man watched," said Giles, "was not able to defeat Drusilla. She was killed."
"Gulp," said Willow anxiously.
"So what're we going to do about this?" Buffy demanded.
"I have come up with one idea," said Giles. "You must ask Angel about Spike and Drusilla. Find out their weaknesses."
"You want me to talk to Angel about his dark past, which he hates to talk about. And dig up things that he wants to keep buried," Buffy asked, disbelievingly. < That I want to keep buried as well, > she added silently.
"It is the only way," Giles insisted.
"Fine," she said, angrily crossing her arms in front of her. "But for the record, I am NOT happy about this."
"Duly noted," said Giles dryly. Buffy scowled at him as the bell rang, ending lunch. The three teenagers gathered up their books and trudged towards their classes. As they left the library, Xander grabbed Willow's arm.
"I still need to talk to you," he told her.
"After school?" she asked, assuming it was about the joke they had played on him. She was determined to set it straight, so to speak, as soon as possible. She didn't want him to be traumatized for life.
"Yeah, can you meet me here?" Xander asked.
"Sure," she replied, removing herself from his grasp to get to class. She felt more guilty than ever about the stupid trick. It had seemed funny at the time. But now, she felt it was too harsh. Sure he was a jerk sometimes, but she was sure he didn't deserve this. The male ego was too frail for this kind of treatment.
Xander watched her go before heading to his own class. < What am I doing? > he wondered. He was going to confess his feelings for her after school. He scrubbed at his face with his hand tiredly. < Oh God,> he thought. < I am such an idiot. I shouldn't be doing this. > But he had to do this. Whether she felt the same way or not. Whether she laughed in his face or jumped into his arms. He couldn't keep it to himself.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
When Willow walked into the library after school Xander was already there, pacing nervously across the room.
"Where's Giles?" she asked, almost causing him to jump out of his skin with fright.
"Oh, he went to this faculty thing," he said, pointing vaguely into the distance with his thumb.
"I hope nobody's died," said Willow putting her bag on the floor. She thought for a moment how odd it was to say that and not be kidding. < Not odd here, > she decided. < Not on the Hellmouth. > "So what did you want to talk to me about?" she asked Xander.
He approached her slowly, his mind racing feverishly as he tried to summon the words to tell her how he felt. Soon they were face to face and Xander felt himself leaning in closer. He felt his face drawing nearer and nearer to hers until suddenly their lips met. Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly, kissing her.
For a moment Willow responded to the fireworks exploding in her head, to the heat, and the tingling that electrified her body. < I feel like a tuning fork, > she thought, wondering if she was giving off a humming sound too. The thought activated her rational mind and the instant of contact ended. She pushed Xander roughly away, anger giving her strength.
"What the HELL do you think you're doing?" she demanded, her voice rising to a scream. Xander stood befuddled as she continued. "Is this about that gay thing? It was a joke you ...TOAD, ok?" She wiped at her mouth as if she could brush the kiss away. "We don't really think you're gay. You don't have to try to prove it," she explained, lowering her volume to an *inside voice.*
Xander felt the shock of the intensity of Willow's reaction fade, as her words sank in. He batted them away. He couldn't deal with the joke right now. He needed to make her understand.
"No," he blurted. "It wasn't about that." Taking a deep breath he continued. "It was about the fact that I think I love you, Willow," he declared, then corrected himself. "No, I'm sure of it." He finished his confession and tried to judge her reaction. She stood frozen like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming Mack truck, her mouth hanging open in horror. "What's wrong?" he asked. "You've never thought about it before? Us?" Her laughter was shrill, harsh and hysterical, sending shivers up his spine.
"I'VE never thought about it?" she asked in disbelief. "That's ALL I've thought about for practically my whole life." Her voice had risen again to a scream. "Ever since I was old enough to think about boys. It's ALWAYS been you."
"Then what's wrong?" Xander asked quietly, afraid of the fury he saw in her eyes.
"You BASTARD! " she screamed, her scream scraping out of her throat and hanging raw before him. "I've waited for you to kiss me. I've dreamed about it." She pushed Xander's chest roughly for emphasis. "I waited and waited. And you pick NOW to tell me you're in love with me? Now?" she asked, pushing him again. Angry tears began to fill her eyes, spilling out over her cheeks; but she ignored them. "Well FUCK YOU!" He stood uncomprehending, frozen by the shock of hearing her swear, unable to fight her assault. "It's too late," she screamed into his face.
"No," he protested.
"You waited until I found someone else," she hissed. "Until I finally found someone that makes me happy, and now you expect me to leave that because you've had your little revelation?"
"But," he began.
"If you had told me this even a week ago I would've been beyond thrilled," she continued, ignoring is attempt to speak. "But you forget Xander. I'm your best friend," she sneered the words. "I KNOW you."
"What's that supposed to mean," he asked defensively.
"I've been through all the times you were *in love,*" she answered, making quotation marks with her hands. "It's a goddamn joke. And if you think I'm going to give up Oz, who really cares about me. Well, then you're more deluded than I even realized."
"I don't understand," Xander said.
"Oh, big surprise there," Willow jibed, feeling a pang of guilt at the hurt in Xander's eyes. She buried it beneath her anger. "Do you understand this? YOU...ARE...A...SELFISH...BASTARD," she said, yelling each word separately.
"What?" Xander gasped.
"What else can you call it?" Willow asked, brushing a new wave of tears away impatiently. "When you would screw up my life like this..screw up our friendship. Without even thinking about anyone but yourself.."
"But I'm in love with you," Xander said, feeling like her words were rolling over him, burying him.
"So FUCKING WHAT?" she asked, a part of her apalled at her own language. But the bigger part of her didn't care. It felt good to say the words; and he deserved them. "I was in love with you for a hell of a lot longer than a day or however long you've been feeling this way." < You're still in love with him, > she heard her mind tell her. She brushed the thought aside as impatiently as her tears and continued, "But I didn't tell you. I didn't want to screw up what we had between us. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I let you live in ignorant bliss, goddamit. But I guess that would've been too much to ask for you to do the same for me."
"You should have told me," he said sadly.
"Shut up!" she screamed. "Don't try to tell me what I should have done! I KNOW you Xander. You only thought of me as a friend. I knew exactly what you'd say if I told you."
"You don't know that," Xander denied.
"Well guess what, BEST BUDDY," she said tauntingly. "I get to say it to you...I just don't think of you that way," she said. " I think of you as a friend...that's all." < Liar, > part of her screamed. < Shut up, > she ordered that part of herself angrily.
"You said you were in love with me," Xander protested. "Now you're saying that you got over this love you had for years in a week?"
"What can I say?" she snapped. "You're an easy guy to get over once a girl puts her mind to it." She grabbed her backpack off the floor, pulling it on in one angry motion.
"You were my best friend," she said. "But you don't care at all about me really. You don't care if I'm happy or not...just as long as I'm there to make YOU happy."
"That's not true," Xander said forcefully.
"Anyway, you'll be over this in a week when the next short skirt walks past you," Willow said coldly. She turned as walked toward the door. Xander ran to her, catching her arm in his hand.
"You can't leave like this," he told her.
"Watch me," she snapped, pulling herself out of his grasp. This time Xander let her go, watching the library doors still swinging after her passage through them. He felt like he was going to throw up as he watched his best friend, the most important person in his life, the girl he loved walk away. She was wrong about that. This wasn't a crush. He had had enough of those to know the difference. This was the real thing, and she was turning her back on it. He thought about her harsh words and drove his fist into the table.
A burst of pain exploded in his hand, and he was glad. It took his mind off what really hurt. It took his mind off the pain he felt inside.
He looked up as the doors swung open, hoping with all his might that it was her. But it was only Giles. Wordlessly Xander picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder, still cradling his hand.
"What happened?" Giles asked. "Someone heard screaming coming from the library."
"Everything's fine," said Xander quietly. "I just hurt my hand a little," he continued. < No my life isn't crumbling before my eyes. Why do you ask? > He walked past the puzzled Watcher and left the library behind.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Willow began to run. Soon she was racing through the halls of Sunnydale High School, startling the few who were still there to see her. She burst outside and continued to run towards her house. As if she could outrun the sobs. She couldn't run fast enough. They caught up with her, the tears rushing from her eyes as the sobs struggled from her chest. The world became blurry, swimming before her, but she couldn't stop running.
Dimly she heard the squeal of brakes being slammed as she dashed across the street. She heard feet pounding on the pavement behind her. A hand came up behind her, grabbing her, trying to stop her. She twisted against it frantically, but she could not break free. Slowly reason entered her mind, and she realized that the hand belonged to Oz. That he was speaking.
"It's ok," he repeated over and over. With a cry, she buried her head on his shoulder, careful to avoid hurting the arm that still hung in it's sling. She allowed his good arm to enfold her in a comforting hug. She cried until she thought there couldn't possibly be any more moisture in her body. Slowly the sobs subsided and she began to relax in Oz's arms. She lifted a tear-stained face to look into his worried eyes. He gave her a tentative smile. < I must look awful, > she suddenly realized.
"I don't cry," she told him in a voice that sounded cracked and raw. It seemed important somehow that she make sure he knew she didn't always act this way. "I mean, usually." He nodded solemnly at her words.
"What happened to you?" he asked, his voice full of concern. "Are you all right?" She shook her head no, but the tears had stopped. She had a feeling she shouldn't tell him about what had happened between her and Xander. But she needed to tell someone.
"It's Xander," she said.
"Did he hurt you?" Oz asked protectively.
"No...yes. I hurt him," Willow answered, her face twisting as she felt the tears threatening to spill over again. Oz gave her a questioning look, but did not interrupt.
"He told me he was in love with me," Willow admitted. Oz stiffened, but he tried to hide the fear that filled him. "And then I yelled at him and I was cruel," Willow continued. "And I doubt we're even friends anymore."
"Of course you are," Oz comforted. "You can't be friends with someone that long and then just not be friends because of one fight."
"This wasn't an ordinary fight," Willow argued.
"Give it a day or two," Oz told her. "Things'll go back to normal."
"Things can't ever be like they were before," said Willow sadly. "This will always be between us, like a huge brick wall."
"C'mon," said Oz. "I'll drive you home and I swear things will look better tomorrow."
"You promise?" Willow asked, following him to the van, her hand held tightly in his.
"I promise," Oz assured her, opening the door of the van and helping her in.
"I believe you," she said trustingly. "But could you take me to Buffy's instead?"
"Sure," he replied. "Whatever you want."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Buffy opened the front door to a tear-stained Willow standing on her doorstep, with Oz hovering protectively behind her. Her face wrinkled with concern at Willow's red-rimmed eyes and runny nose. She offered her arms for a hug which Willow gladly took.
"It's all right," she told the distraught girl, gently stroking her head. Oz watched Willow huddled in her friend's arms with a worried look on his face. "She'll be ok," Buffy assured him. "Thanks for driving her."
"No problem," Oz replied. "Look, give me a call later so I'll know she's ok."
"I will," Buffy promised. She shut the door and turned her attention to Willow, who was holding her hand tightly as if she could get some comfort from human contact. "Come upstairs to my room," Buffy ordered. Willow followed her friend compliantly up the stairs and collapsed on Buffy's bed.
"Now, what's wrong?" Buffy asked. "What happened to you? Did you get in a fight with Oz?" Willow mutely shook her head, then opened her mouth to speak.
"I had a fight with Xander," she whispered.
"Xander?" Buffy gasped. "I've never seen you guys really fight. And he made you cry?" Buffy clenched her fist tightly, then was struck by an awful thought. "Oh God, this wasn't about the stupid joke was it?" Willow shook her head again.
"I don't cry," she stated suddenly. "I haven't cried since that day when Cordelia and I found the...you know, those guys dead right before the prom."
"I know," said Buffy, gently pushing Willow's tousled hair out of her friend's face. "So what happened that made you this upset?"
"Xander told me he needed to talk to me," Willow began. "And then when I went to meet him...he kissed me."
"What?" Buffy exclaimed. "Like a real kiss."
"Very real," said Willow glumly.
"But that's what you always wanted."
"Yeah before, but..."
"It wasn't what you expected?" Buffy finished.
"No that's not it...it was like my dreams. An incredible kiss...I was all tingly." Buffy smiled at Willow knowingly, but Willow shook her head. "That's not the point. The point is that I'm with Oz now. Oz really cares about me. Xander's probably just feeling jealous. Like always."
"I don't know, Will," Buffy said doubtfully. "Maybe you going out with Oz made him realize his true feelings."
"Don't say that!" Willow ordered.
"What?" Buffy asked, startled.
"He can't really be in love with me. He can't. He never was before." Willow tried to explain in a way that Buffy could understand. "I've finally found this really great guy who cares about me...maybe even loves me."
"Oz has been great," Buffy agreed. "And the guitar playing thing is a plus."
"You're obsessed," Willow said cracking a tiny smile. "The thing is that Xander...well if Xander is in love with me it screws everything up."
"Why?" Buffy asked.
< Because if I know Xander does love me then how can I be satisfied with Oz, > Willow thought. "Because he's just supposed to be my friend. That's all he ever wanted to be," she said out loud. "Besides...how many times have we heard him tell us he's in love with a girl? And how many times was it true? And what makes this any different?" Willow shot the questions in rapid succession.
"So do you still have feelings for Xander?" Buffy said answering a question with a question. < Well that's one trick I learned from Angel, > she thought wryly. "I mean in an unfriendly way," she continued, then corrected herself. "Uh..not unfriendly...in a more than friendly way."
"No," said Willow, looking at her hands.
"Will," Buffy prodded.
"Maybe," Willow confessed. "But that doesn't matter. I can't ditch Oz. It didn't take him 10 years to realize his feelings for me. He treats me like a Queen. I can't dump him."
"Well then that's your choice," Buffy told her. "You have to choose between Oz and Xander. And if you choose Oz that's ok."
"I can't choose," Willow whimpered. "Xander is my best friend."
"You can still be friends if you're dating someone else," said Buffy calmly.
"Don't be so sure. When I was telling you about what happened I didn't get to the huge fight we had. I was screaming and cursing. I was really mean to him," said Willow forlornly.
"He deserved it," said Buffy vindictively. "Besides, he'll forgive you. You just have to talk to him."
"I'm scared to talk to him," said Willow. "What if he's still mad?" < Or he brings up the love thing again, > she added silently.
"Well Will, it comes down to this," said Buffy firmly. "You have to talk to him to save your friendship and if your friendship means so little that you let a little fear get in..."
"Ok," Willow interrupted. "I get the picture."
"Good," Buffy answered, squeezing Willow's hand. "So are you sure about your choice...to stay with Oz?" she asked. Willow hesitated a moment before answering.
"I think so."
"It's not like you have to decide right away," Buffy told her. "Just make sure that you're being honest with yourself when you make your decision."
"What do you mean?" Willow asked defensively.
"I mean that Xander may be feeling more than a crush. You can't just tell yourself that he's not really in love with you so that your decision is easier," Buffy explained cautiously.
"No matter what I do I end up hurting one of them," Willow answered dejectedly.
"This isn't an easy situation," Buffy agreed. "Someone is going to get hurt...maybe everyone will." Tenderly Buffy held Willow's face in her hands, forcing the redhead to look her directly in the eyes. "But listen to me, Willow. Don't worry about hurting them. You do what your heart tells you and let the rest sort itself out."
"But that's so selfish," Willow protested.
"You are the least selfish person I know," Buffy told her. "You have a right to be selfish every once in a while. You deserve to be happy. So just this once you go be selfish...do what YOU want to do. And if you hurt someone in the process...well they'll heal eventually." Willow considered her friend's words but she knew that she couldn't think only of herself. She nodded anyway.
"Let's go eat ice cream," Buffy suggested.
"Now that's a good idea," Willow said, another tiny smile appearing on her face.
"Cookie dough?" Buffy asked.
"Of course," Willow answered. With a conscious effort she tried to put her current relationship entanglements out of her mind. Surely they could wait for the amount of time it took to finish off a pint of ice cream. Thoughts of the two guys drifted in her mind, just below the surface. She had a feeling that she would be crying again tonight.
It annoyed her a little, all this crying. It didn't accomplish anything..just gave her a headache and made her face all blotchy, but it seemed her body was letting out all the tears she had stored up over the months. She realized that Buffy was calling her and followed the Slayer down the stairs, thankful that she had someone to talk to about this...someone that cared about her.
Normally she would be telling Xander about this stuff. < Or actually not, > she admitted to herself. < I couldn't talk to him about boys because until I met Oz Xander was always the boy I was talking about....Geez what did I do before Buffy came? Just bottled it all up, > she realized. < So maybe it was ok to cry, > she thought. < Crying into a pint of ice cream, > she thought with an almost giggle. < I think I need an aspirin and a nap, or maybe some prozac, > she decided.
She turned her attention away from her frazzled thoughts when she realized that Buffy was talking.
"I have to go see Angel tonight," she was saying. "But you can come with me if you want." Willow knew how little time Buffy got to spend alone with Angel. That made it even more meaningful that she was willing to give up some of that time for her friend.
"That's ok," Willow answered. "I need to be alone to think about this stuff anyway."
"So you promise not to throw yourself out a window or something if I leave you alone?" Buffy asked with a grin.
"Hmmm, that's a lot to ask," Willow answered. "But ok..since you are my friend. I promise."
"And if you need to talk, call me," Buffy ordered.
"Yes ma'am," Willow answered, thankful once again that she had a friend like Buffy to help her through this. She smiled, digging her spoon into the ice cream carton. Now if only she knew what to do with this situation she had gotten tangled up in, everything would be perfect.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Buffy twisted a strand of her hair nervously around her index finger. She sat on the edge of Angel's bed, her feet tucked up underneath her, watching him as he bustled around making her a cup of coffee. He was almost completely recovered from nearly dying in that ritual. Still a little weak, but he insisted that he didn't need help. And vampires did heal fast.
"Milk and two sugars?" he asked. She nodded in response, secretly happy that he knew how she took her coffee. As he approached her carrying one coffee mug in each hand she let herself stare a little. No matter how often she saw him, he always took her breath away. He was dressed simply in jeans and a button down white shirt, but somehow he made the simple ensemble look stunning. < Bare feet,> she noticed. He had nice feet.
"Why are you staring at my feet?" he asked, sitting down next to her on the bed.
"They're nice feet," Buffy told him smiling up into his eyes.
"Well, I've always thought so," he said, giving her a semi-puzzled grin in return. He offered her the coffee he held in his hand and she took it. Cautiously she sipped the hot beverage.
"You know what's weird," she said suddenly.
"That instant coffee could taste so good?" he joked.
"That too," she answered. "No, I was talking to Willow and I realized something...we have the most normal relationship of any of the people I know."
"Pretty good for a vampire and a vampire slayer," Angel said, raising his coffee mug for a toast. Buffy clinked her mug against his and took a deep breath. She had to ask him about Drusilla at some point, and there was really no reason to wait. To stall. < Well, besides the obvious reason that I don't want to ask him, > she thought.
"Angel?" she asked, staring intently into her coffee. She paused just a microsecond before continuing. "What's Drusilla like?" Angel choked on the mouthful of coffee he had just swallowed and placed his cup on the floor nervously.
"Why do you ask?" he hedged.
"Well truthfully, Giles forced me," she blurted. "See, we don't know if I managed to kill either Spike or Drusilla," she continued, her words falling over each other as she hurried to explain. "And if I didn't...Well then Drusilla's probably regained her strength. And we need information on her so we can stop her." She peered up at Angel for a second, hoping he wasn't angry, before continuing. "And since you two were...close. Well Giles thought you might have some useful info." She stumbled to a stop unable to think of a single thing to say.
"I see," Angel answered.
"I know you don't like to talk about the past," Buffy said. "But it's for a really good cause." Angel stared at her thoughtfully before opening his mouth to speak.
"Are you sure you want to hear this?" he asked. "I could just call Giles and tell him myself."
"Is it that bad?" Buffy asked.
"It's pretty bad," Angel said grimly.
"I can handle it," Buffy told him. "I'm not going to lie and say I want to know. But I think I should know. And whatever you did in the past is...in the past."
"Do you know how much energy I spend trying to repress these memories?" Angel asked gravely.
"Too much energy," Buffy answered just as gravely. She captured his hand in hers and touched it lightly to her lips. "You could be doing something more constructive with that energy," she chided.
"What did you have in mind?" he asked teasingly.
"Oh nothing in particular," Buffy said, nonchalantly scooting closer to Angel on the bed. "I'm sure you can think of something."
"Well, maybe if I think really hard," Angel answered, leaning closer to Buffy until his lips were almost touching hers. "Nope, I can't think of a thing," he said with a smile. Buffy stared up challengingly into his eyes, then lifted herself up on her knees so that their lips crushed together. She wrapped one of her hands around his neck, using the other to hold the half-full coffee mug away from them. He responded to her kiss, pulling her body closer to his. She opened her mouth letting his tongue slip inside and for a moment she let herself forget about everything but the feel of his body next to hers, his lips on hers. Reluctantly she pulled away as the feeling of the coffee mug in her hand dragged her back into the real world.
"Tricky way to change the subject," she breathed, running her finger down the side of Angel's face.
"Well I enjoyed it," Angel answered unrepentantly.
"Kissing later," Buffy ordered. "Weak spots of Spike and Drusilla first." Buffy could see the walls springing up behind Angel's eyes as his smile faded, and he drew away from her. She laced her fingers through his, refusing to let him go.
"Spike's easy," Angel stated, staring intently at an invisible something on the wall. "Well relatively. His weakness is obvious...Drusilla. She's everything to him. He'd do anything for her." Buffy nodded, afraid that if she spoke he would stop, and never start again.
"Drusilla..." he said, then paused, sadness filling his eyes. "She was so beautiful and so good." He stared harder at the wall. "And then she was crazy, and then she was a demon."
"How can a demon be crazy?" Buffy wondered aloud. Angel looked at her, startled. Lost in his memories, he had almost forgotten she was there.
"The demon retains the personality and the memories of the person that used to be...so when it entered Drusilla it didn't rid her of the madness. If anything, it deepened it." Now Angel glared at his feet, thinking back. "The three of us were a family," he said. "She was the mother, the lover, the Queen...both of us would've done anything for her. We were both in love with her I suppose, but she chose Spike...William then." Buffy's jaw clenched tightly at the thought of Angel in love with someone other than herself. She felt jealousy surge through her, but tried to contain it. < This was more than a hundred years ago, > she reminded herself.
"Giles said that she's more dangerous than Spike. And he said that she was ruthless," Buffy stated.
"She is," Angel answered. "But she is still innocent in her way. She doesn't understand death. It's a game, not real to her. I think it's because I killed so many that she loved." He squeezed Buffy's hand involuntarily, clenching his teeth. Slowly he forced himself to continue. "Death was always part of her life...so she expects it. But she doesn't understand what it means to kill." Angel could see that Buffy was still confused. "When she kills..." he said , trying again. "It doesn't register for her that death is forever."
"She never wanted to be a vampire," he continued. "And I think there's a part of her that still doesn't. Yet the other half of her revels in it."
"So it's like she has multiple personalities?" Buffy asked.
"I guess you could say that," Angel agreed. "She still has the ability to love. She loves Spike. She loves her pets and her dolls. But she has no regard for human life."
"Does she love you?" Buffy asked, refusing to look at Angel.
"I don't know," Angel answered. "Maybe a part of her did. At one time. But she retained her hatred of me too...thought of me as a monster." He shook his head angrily. "We were happy though, for a while...until Spike came."
"Does any of this tell me how I can beat her?" Buffy asked, deciding that she had heard enough.
"Well, "Angel answered. "You could take her in a straight fight."
"You think I could take her?" Buffy asked, pleased.
"Don't get cocky," Angel snapped. "It won't be a fair fight. She is the most devious creature I have ever known. Her crazed mind is what you have to fear."
"Giles told me that the other Slayer that went up against her was killed," Buffy said.
"Dru didn't kill that girl," Angel said shortly.
"But Giles said..." Buffy began.
"I killed her," Angel confessed coldly. "I did it for her." Buffy stared at Angel in shock for a long minute. She had known something about his past...something about his old evil. But for some reason she had never suspected that he had killed a Slayer. A Slayer.
< Was she anything like me? > she wondered. < Was she in love with him too? > She opened her mouth to demand answers, but the sight of Angel huddled miserably in on himself stopped her tongue. He was in enough pain without her anger and fear added in. She did not let go of his hand, and in a moment he continued.
"You have to separate them," he told her. "That's the only way to beat them. Together they are too much."
"Thank you," she said. She was not just thanking him for the advice on how to beat the pair of vampires. She was thanking him for baring his soul, for trusting her with his secrets. He looked at her in surprise.
"You don't have to thank me," he told her.
"I felt like it," Buffy said defensively. "I know it isn't easy to talk about."
"Oh like it's so easy to listen to?" he asked.
"You aren't still in love with her...are you?" she asked, before she could stop herself.
"I'm sorry for her," he said. "But I don't love her like I love you." It wasn't the answer Buffy was hoping for. A straight *no* would've been nice.
"What exactly does that mean?" she persisted. Angel took a deep breath before answering.
"I was obsessed with her for years...I'm still fascinated by her. I feel pity for the girl I destroyed. I feel guilt. But no, I am not in love with her," he said. "I am in love with you," he said firmly, looking at his hand still held in hers.
"I love you too," she whispered, leaning her head on his shoulder. He rested his head on top of hers tiredly. It was hard loving her. But he wouldn't give it up for anything, or anyone.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Oz plucked absently at his guitar strings, his fingers finding the notes while his mind wandered. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know if there was anything he could do. Buffy had called to tell him that she had taken Willow home and that the girl was fine. But he got little comfort from the knowledge.
He was afraid. Despite Willow's anger and tears at what Xander had told her, he knew a part of her must have responded to his words. She had feelings for Xander. It was evident in the way she spoke of him, the way she talked to him. And now she knew that he loved her in return.
< She likes me, > he told himself. < But love? She's only known me for what, two weeks? > he thought. < She's known him for years. >
Somehow he knew that despite the short time he had known her, he was in love with Willow Rosenberg. He had been since the moment he first saw her. He wondered if that was how it had been for her, with Xander. He sighed heavily. < Xander is an asshole, > he decided. < I finally meet the greatest girl in the world, and everything's going great. Then he has to come and screw things up. > A discordant note sounded as Oz's fingers missed the hoped for chord. He grimaced, putting aside the guitar. The ball was in her court, so to speak. It was her decision. He only wished there was some way he could compete.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Xander glowered at the television, ignoring his parents raised voices as they fought with each other once again. His mind drew him back to his own fight with Willow earlier that day. Things had gotten so out of control. He glanced at the ice pack on his aching hand. Out of control in more ways than one.
He had run the gauntlet of emotions, going from sorrow to rage, and now he seemed to be stuck in a remorseful depression. He didn't blame Willow for her harsh words; he felt that he had deserved them.
< I can't believe I kissed her, > he thought. < I had no right. > But behind the remorse he had to admit that it had been an incredible kiss. He wondered briefly if it had been the same way for her...if the fireworks had gone off in her head like they had in his. < It doesn't matter, > he decided. < I had no right. And now she hates me...God, but she was right. I am a selfish bastard. >
< I was only thinking of myself, > he realized. It had barely mattered to him that she was seeing someone else. He had assumed that because he felt love for her, she would feel the same thing. < It's always been like that in our friendship, > he realized. < I've always been the one getting more from the relationship. >
< Stupid, > he told himself. < Now I've lost the best friend I've ever had. > If she would only forgive him, he would never bring it up again. He would bury his feelings for as long as she wanted. He wouldn't think of anything but what she wanted. He wouldn't be selfish anymore. Anything to get her back. Anything to keep her from being hurt again...to keep her from crying.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Willow closed the last e-mail in her mailbox. She had been opening and closing e-mail for the last half-hour. Not really reading, just trying to keep from thinking. With a sigh she gave up and threw herself down on the bed. She grabbed a stuffed animal and held it close, staring up at the ceiling.
"Xander's in love with me," she whispered to the furry bear she held in her arms. Xander was in love with her, and he had kissed her. Just like her dreams. And it had been a dream kiss. She had never felt anything like that in her life. For just a little while she let herself dream that she could actually be with Xander. For just a moment she let herself believe. Then she quashed the thought brutally.
"I can't," she whispered. Part of her wanted to leave Oz behind and tell Xander that she was in love with him. But she couldn't. She couldn't truly believe that Xander was in love with her. He was just confused. But Oz she was sure about. He was a truly nice guy, and he deserved more than just getting dumped on a whim.
< Besides, > Willow thought. < After the way I treated Xander I doubt he would still be in love with me... > She buried her head in the fur of her stuffed bear. < Let us still be friends no matter what else happens, > she prayed with all her might.
CONTINUES