*****
The wind whipped at my face as I ran past the Bronze towards my apartment. At least the wind was good for one thing--drying my tears. I slowed my pace as I reached the door. I think I was running from myself, from what I was, more than what she had finally realized. I should've never let myself fall in love with her. It wasn't right! "I'm glad she had screamed" I muttered. "Saves me the trouble of a schoolgirl crush." Yeah, keep telling yourself that, man.
I dropped my keys on the table and hit the message button. The light was flashing like crazy. My curiosity pushed my feelings aside as I listened to the tape whirring in rewind before it played. Only a few choice people had my number. I initiated most of my business dealings, so having that many messages was a first for me. The first one played.
"Hey, man. What do you think you're doing?! I told you not to get involved! You just like messin' with me, don't you? If I wasn't immortal, I think I would've died of a heart attack when I realized where you were today. I told you...." I fast forwarded through the Whistler's ramblings. I was in no mood for that. The next three messages were the same, chewing me out for being with *her*. I decided to call him to find out why he was so worked up.
"Yeah, Whistler." His trademark answer for his cell phone. He thought it made him look and sound like an agent or something. I snorted.
"Whistler? You mind telling me what the heck is goin' on? This is getting boring, and I'm not really in the mood to listen to a lecture."
"Angel, man." He sounded relieved. "You're at home? Good. What were you thinking?!" Oh, great. "You don't have a clue what kind of danger you're in around that girl. You're supposed to be watching her, helping her; not wooing her! I cannot take this pressure! I didn't think such a wimp would end up being so disobedient! You can't go there again!" He trailed off, and seemed unsure of whether or not to go on.
"Oh, shut up." A low growl started in my throat before I could stop it. "I know, Slayer's slay, I was careful. You don't need to give me a huge lecture, I learned my lesson, okay? She knows what I am now, and she was disgusted. She hates me. You don't have to worry about me risking a stunt like the one I pulled tonight again." My voice was angry, but I could feel my throat itch with the unshed tears. He recognized the sound, though he'd never heard me cry.
"Angel, what happened? What stunt did you pull?" He demanded the questions in a slightly gentler voice. "Tell me, I gotta know."
"I kissed her, okay? I kissed her and I couldn't control my face and I changed.... She saw me for what I am, and now she hates me like she should. Put your mind at ease. I'll still help her, I'll just do it from where I should've stayed. In the shadows." I was weary and my voice came out strained. He picked up on my feeling again and decided to let me rest.
"Okay, Angel. I'll let you go. But I need to ask one last question before I do. How did you feel when you kissed her?" His voice was uncharacteristically nice. I was acting like such a mortal! He would never have been treating me like china if I hadn't sounded like I would break. Enough with the weak stuff!
I answered him softly and calmly. "It was the closest thing to contentment I've experienced since I was a human." The words came out almost like a prayer.
"Yeah, well.... Go to bed, or do whatever it is you do after you're done for the night. And Angel... You can't be doing that with her, it's dangerous. She- It- You just can't, it's not safe." His voice sounded slightly shaky, at the prospect of her being the Slayer and me being a vampire, I guessed.
"Yeah, later." He grunted in affirmation, and we hung up. I stared at the phone for a minute, wanting to call her, before putting it down. I wouldn't let myself do that, hurt her again by making her listen to my explanation. Maybe she would believe....No. No.
My stomach hit me, and I headed over to the fridge, pulling out a bag of blood. I hadn't eaten for almost two days, and I was frenzied with hunger once I realized it. My face changed and I sank my fangs into the plastic. I was flooded with pleasure. The blood strengthened me, and the bliss washed over me in waves. My knees buckled with the pleasure, and I sank into the couch. That taste lingered on my lips for a few minutes after the bag was drained, and I sat still, not wanting to be done. The weird nirvana slowly slipped away, and with it the only kind of peace I could possess. I hated myself, once again for the thing that I was, for what I longed for, for what seemed the only thing able to make me whole.
I walked over to my bed and fell on it, still wearing the same clothes I had been two days before. I ran that last thought over in my head again as I slipped into sweet oblivion. The only thing that was able to make me whole. The only thing until Buffy. With thoughts of her in my mind, hopeful and hopeless alike, I fell into a useless sleep.
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I woke up in a haze smelling of jasmine and roses. I looked around hopefully for Buffy. She wasn't there. I laid there for a moment, regaining my senses from my dream, which had turned out to be quite pleasing. My face dropped when I realized that that's all it ever could be--a dream. I slowly got out of bed.
I fed again, shorter this time, just to ease some of the pain I was feeling. It worked for less than a minute. But at least it worked. I sat there, reveling in my dream. Maybe it meant that there was hope for us. Maybe it meant that she forgave me for what I was. The phone pulled me out of my reverie. I walked over, with trepidation to pick it up. "Hello?"
"Um, yeah, Mr. Grey?" One of my aliases. I tried frantically to figure out which one. Oh, yeah. Mr. Grey, owner of the Bronze. I mumbled affirmation for him to continue. I still wasn't very happy that I had to give out my phone number, even if it was to the few people who ran my businesses for me. He went on. "Uh, we need you to come down to the Bronze today. I need you to sign something that will let us fumigate. You have a pretty bad infestation of cockroaches."
"Cockroaches? What cockroaches?" I heard him suck in his breath to answer me, but I cut him off. I didn't want to be talking to this guy for longer than I had to-I'm sure he would feel the same if he knew what kind of mood I was in. "Nevermind. Does this have to be done today?"
"Only if you don't want to be closed for more than two days." I groaned at the answer I didn't want to hear.
"Fine, fine. Just let me....get my things together and I'll be on my way." I hung up, and went into my bedroom, guessing that I would have to get dressed. I picked out a black jacket over a white t-shirt. It would have to do, I didn't feel too much like thinking, or impressing anyone. I knew I was attractive, I could tell by the way girls looked at me, by how their body temperature rose when their eyes followed me. But now, I didn't have anyone to look good for. I sighed.
I picked up my keys and headed out, locking the door on the way. Not that I really cared if I was robbed. Habit, I guess. I took the stairs leading to the basement, and headed over to the vent on the floor.
Ah, my access to the world outside in the day. I lowered myself into the sewer. It stank, reminding me oddly of Xander. I let my thoughts wander to the boy as I made my way to the Bronze. I really didn't like him. I didn't like the way he was always looking at Buffy. It was obscene, the way he always made her laugh, the way he was always smiling at her. And Willow. I'd known her long enough, which was barely at all, to know that she liked him. If he wasn't so stupid... It really bugged me how he kept sitting next to Buffy at the Bronze. He could've picked another table, and still have been quite close enough to chat.
I stopped myself as I reached the underground stairs. I started walking up. Piece of cake, with my nocturnal vision and all, I thought bitterly. I unlocked the cellar type door that led to the back office. I smiled, looking at the windows, which were painted black. What was done initially for my protection, had turned out to be considered very hip among the teenagers. I looked up. Jack Seren waited there. He was by far the most tolerable of the group that worked for me. He smiled in greeting, and I smiled back. "Hey, Grey." He chuckled. "I'll never get used to the fact that you hate driving so much, that you would rather travel underground."
I smiled at his words. Something about this man told me that he wasn't as naive as he sounded. He winked in acknowledgment. My eyes widened. He was probably just a smart man, unlike most in Sunnydale. He *was* rather new here. I decided to move on. If he knew, I wasn't going to press the issue. "Well, um, hey, Seren. So, these papers?"
He handed them to me, and I glanced them over. They seemed fine, and I asked for a pen. I signed them, silently thanking God that I had found someone so competent, someone who I could trust to run my business. He took the packet from me and nodded. "So, Grey. I'll probably see you next *night* we're open?" He chuckled again, and I somehow found a smile in myself to give him.
"Yeah, I might be by. And it won't take anymore than three days?" He assured me that they wouldn't, and I started out, through the same way I had come. I stopped, glancing at the windows, which kept the room bathed in shadow. He followed my gaze.
"Very hip, right?" I nodded. "Yeah, dark can be cool. Hiding, disguising. It's very useful. Hiding in the shadows... But even though hiding can be a good thing--sometimes it's necessary-- it can bring out the bad too. Sometimes you can tell yourself that the dark is the best thing for you, for everyone, but you're just making excuses, just being scared. Scared of feeling, scared of the light that comes with knowledge. You know, the kind of knowledge that drugs you, sweetly, that shrouds you with happiness. Sometimes the light is the only place to really hide, to shroud yourself, to become happy. It is hard letting go of the dark, though." I stared at him, and he blushed slightly. "Sorry for babbling, you probably have someplace to be....some things to do...or to think about." I lowered my head, nodded and left.
I pondered Seren's words all the way back, his wise attitude, his words which stung and healed. I passed him off as someone who would probably turn out to be another good demon or something...It *is* the Hellmouth, after all. Funny, he had a lot of wisdom, too much, it seemed to be helping me. I didn't deserve any help, anyway. I tried to figure out his words, though, but to no avail. I let it go when I reached the vent to bring me to my apartment.
When I got to the door, I knew something was different. I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure out what it was. Oh, well. I unlocked the door and headed inside. Something was different, the thought didn't leave me alone. As I turned on a lamp, I realized what it was. Another vampire was in there, someone familiar.
"Who's there?"
"A friend." Darla's voice echoed through my head. Darla.... My skin tingled at being so close to my sire after so long. Much as I hated her for what she did to me.... I turned in the direction of her voice, and she stepped out of the shadow she was in. "Hi. It's been awhile." She smiled at me.
"A lifetime."
"Or two, but who's counting?"
I addressed her unusually young clothes. She had always gone for the more sophisticated look before. "What's with the Catholic schoolgirl look? Last time I saw you, it was kimonos."
"And last time I saw you, it wasn't high-school girls." Ouch. She flared her skirt and started approaching me. "Don'tcha like? Remember Budapest? Turn of the century? You were such a bad boy during that earthquake."
I looked at her evenly, my heart clenching as I remembered the crimes against humanity I had committed. "You did some damage yourself."
She started walking towards the window. "Is there anything better than a natural disaster? The panic. The people lost in the streets. It's like picking fruit off the vine." She looked around. "Nice. You're living above ground, like one of them. You and your new friend are attacking us, like one of them. But guess what, precious. You're not one of them." Darla drew the blinds up roughly, almost too quick for me to get out of the way. I stumbled out of the painful light while she stayed where she was, in the shadows. In the shadows.... "Are you?"
I shook my head to clear my brain. "No. But I'm not exactly one of you, either." I watched her walk over to my refrigerator. She opened it and smiled, looking at the bags and bottles of blood I had stored.
"Is that what you're telling yourself these days? You're not exactly living off quiche. You and I both know what you hunger for." She closed the fridge and walked back over to me. "What you need. Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's who we are. It's what makes eternal life worth living." She smiled and touched my face, a touch so sweetly familiar, yet bitterly strange. "Mmm. You can only suppress your real nature for so long. You can feel it brewing inside of you. I hope I'm around when it explodes."
"Maybe you don't want to be." I swallowed the warm temptation. I was not going to give in.
"I'm not afraid of you. I bet she is, though." She started away, towards the door. With every word she spoke, she twisted the knife a little more, and yet...Without meaning to, she gave me hope. "Or maybe I'm underestimating her. Talk to her. Tell her about the curse. Maybe she'll come around. And if she still doesn't trust you, you know where I'll be."
Darla exited, giving me no time to reply. She always did that. It's still annoying. But I silently thanked her, anyway. After nightfall, I was going to Buffy's house to tell her the truth.
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I practiced I'm sure, over a hundred times, what I was going to say, how I was going to tell her. How I was going to explain that I was a vampire, a vampire with a soul. Thoughts ran through my head, strange fears that I wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise, before she staked me. So irrational, I knew if it came to that, at this point, I could probably beat her. My eyes widened at the thought. I could not believe that it had just gone through my head! Oh, help me keep my demon under control, help me please!
I showered twice, and combed and styled my hair in front of an empty mirror. I put on aftershave, though I hadn't shaved, it made me smell good. I picked my clothing carefully, for her, I dressed to impress. I wore a crushed velvet black jacket over a white dress shirt. Pressed black slacks. I wanted to look my best, as though my looking as good as possible would help my chances of being listened to by her. The phone rang, and, positive it was Whistler, I refused to pick it up, and turned the machine off. His words pounded through my head, though, before I could stop them, and I faltered at the door. Worse came to worse, she'd kill me and put me out of my eternal misery. I opened the door and stepped out.
It was a cool night, but warm enough to qualify for California. On nights like this, I longed for Ireland, the cold air filling ones lungs, the rain that always seemed to be hanging in the distance. I focused on what I was going to say as I approached her house cautiously. I walked up to her kitchen door, I heard voices in there. I lifted my hand to knock, every nerve telling me that I needed this, that this was what I wanted. Seren's words wafted through my mind again. I hurried away, and got fifteen steps down the path before I heard a scream. Definitely not Buffy's, the sound was burned in my memory. Her mother. I turned back around, and ran for the house, kicking the door down when it got in my way. Darla was there, holding Buffy's mother, feeding from her. I yelled. "Let her go!"
Darla looked up and smiled at me, her lips smeared with blood. "I just had a little, there's plenty more. Aren't you hungry for something warm after all these years? C'mon, Angel. Just say 'Yes'!" She shoved Joyce into my arms, and I could smell the strong, distinctive smell of blood coming from her neck. I was overcome with desire as I looked at the two bleeding punctures in her neck. My face changed, and I wanted her blood. I looked up at Darla, who smirked. "Welcome home!"
She walked around us to the door, leaving me alone in my struggle. It looked so good, so warm....I wouldn't! I would not take a life. Too many had died from me already. I wouldn't be responsible for another. Especially the mother if the one I loved. I turned my head away, trying to control my face before I got up to call the ambulance. Buffy was there, staring at me in fear, and I think disappointment. I realized that I was still vamped out. Oh, God....
Buffy charged for me, hauling her mother out of my grasp. She lifted me with the strength of two Slayers, and threw me out the window. She walked over to it, and looked at me coldly. "You're not welcome here. You come near us, and I'll kill you." I stared up at her in shock. I had hoped she would listen, I had hoped she would believe.... I got up and walked home, for once feeling justified in my anger and pain.
I got to my apartment quickly, fueled by the betrayal I was feeling. She had never cared about me. I let bitterness consume me, it was the most comfortable emotion. I entered my home, noticing without surprise that Darla was there. She sat in a comfortable chair and looked at me coyly. "You know what's happening, Angel.
"She's out hunting you right now. She wants to kill you."
"Leave me alone." I hated her, I hated everyone. I hated myself most of all.
"What did you think? That she would understand? That she would look at your face...your true face...and give you a kiss?" Strangely enough, stupid and naive as it sounds, that's exactly what I had hoped for, looked forward to. I thought she loved me, wouldn't trust be a way of proving it? Darla continued, enjoying the pain she had put the Slayer through. "For a hundred years you've not had a moments peace because you *will not* accept who you are. That's all you have to do. Accept it!" My blood started to boil, I think quite literally as I listened to her words. I settled grimly into knowing she was right. "Don't let her hunt you down." With every word, she pounded another nail into the coffin of my humanity. "Don't whimper and mule like a mangy human! Kill! Feed! Live!"
I'd had enough and rushed at her, pinning her arms above her head against the wall. "All right!"
"What do you want?"
"I want it finished." My words came out a growl as Darla struggled lightly. We had been in this position before. She looked so smug and familiar, my choice was clear. Go and fight...and then die by Buffy's hand. I wanted to kill her...but I would settle for dying instead.
"That's good. You're hurting me!" She smiled. "That's good, too."
I kissed her roughly, like I used to, and headed out. It was time my eternity ended and began. I hoped for the sake of my death that Darla wouldn't follow me. She seemed quite content to wait, though, so I left her there without a good-bye.
It was after midnight. I headed over to the Bronze. She would be there, and this would soon be over, something was telling me. I heard her behind me, and headed up the ladder, knowing she would follow, leading her to where I wanted this to end. We got inside and I heard her voice echo through the empty hall. "I know you're there. And I know what you are."
"Do you? I'm just an animal, right?" She turned to face my voice.
You're not an animal. Animals I like." Funny, little girl. You might succeed in changing my mind.
I growled and came out of the corner I was in. She trained her crossbow on me.
"Let's get it done." I ran towards her and jumped on the pool table. Buffy followed me with the weapon, shot and missed. I jumped onto a pipe above, and looked at her as she stilled. She didn't know where I was. I jumped on her back, knocking her flat on her stomach on the pool table. She kicked me off of her, and rolled around onto her back, taking careful aim. It was time. I growled.
I morphed back into human form. Easy, I wasn't being tempted with anything. She faltered. "C'mon, you're not going soft on me now, are you?" She launched the bolt. It hit the wall about a foot from me. I looked over. "Little wide."
"Why?" She got up. "Why didn't you attack me when you had the chance? Was it a joke? To make me feel for you and then...I've killed lots of vampires. I've never hated one before." My heart tightened. Just a little longer, and I'll be dead.
"Feel's good, doesn't it? Feels simple."
She burst out semi-hysterically. "I invited you into my home and you attacked my family!" I had been right and wrong. It was time. But it was time for me to tell her, not time for the death I had longed for so many years. I started.
"Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends....and their friends children...For a hundred years, I offered an ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart."
"What changed?"
"Fed on a girl your age. Beautiful....dumb as a post. But a favorite among her clan."
"Clan?"
I clarified. "Romani. Gypsies. The elders conjured up the perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul."
"What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?" Her attempt at sarcasm was weak and sad and came out as such.
"When you become a vampire, the demon gets your body, but it doesn't get your soul. That's gone! No conscience, no remorse...it's an easy way to live. You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I've done....and to care. I haven't fed on a living human being since that day." Telling the story, I felt it all over again, relived the torture of realizing that I was solely responsible for thousands and thousands of deaths. I lowered my head.
"So you started with my mom?!"
"I didn't bite her...." She didn't get it yet? She interrupted me mid-sentance.
"Then why didn't you say something?"
"But I wanted to." I finished. "I can walk like a man, but I'm not one. I wanted to kill you tonight." I bared it all, put everything I had on the table and waited for her reaction.
She walked over to me slowly, and put down the crossbow at our feet. She offered me her neck, tilting her head to the extreme, showing the ultimate trust I could ask of anyone. "Go ahead." I couldn't believe it. She was trusting me. My eyebrows knitted as I looked at her. Of course I wouldn't, no matter how tempting the blood. "Not as easy as it looks."
"Sure it is!" Darla. Buffy whirled around, and I whipped my head up. She approached us, stopping ten or so feet away. "You know what the saddest thing in the world is?"
"Bad hair on top of that outfit?" Good girl. Don't let her scare you. In all of this, all of my pain and anger, I had forgotten that I was supposed to be protecting Buffy, guiding her. I wasn't going to do that anymore.
"Loving someone who used to love you." Darla and I shared a glance, a glance of things that had been, of things that were over. For as much as I hated her....I loved her, too. Buffy looked at both of us, jealously, I would've thought if I hadn't known better.
"You two were involved?"
"For several generations. I made him. There was a time when we shared everything, wasn't there, Angelus?" I flinched at my given name, the one I had gone by when the demon still controlled me. "You had the chance to come home, to rule with me for a thousand years in the Master's court, but you threw it away because of her. You love someone who hates us. You're sick. You'll always be sick." She smiled, cruelly, a smile I had gotten to know very well. "And you'll always remember what it was like to watch her die. You didn't think I came here alone, did you?"
Oh, my God.
Buffy kicked the crossbow into her hands. "I know I didn't."
"Hmm. Scary." Darla smirked and pulled two revolvers out from behind her back. "Scarier."
She shot me in the stomach, knowing I wouldn't die from it. I staggered into the post from the force of the bullet. Buffy looked like she was going to run to me, but then seemed to change her mind.
"Don't worry. Vampires can't die from bullets. It can hurt them like hell, but-" She broke off in a giggle. I was going in and out, the pain was really harsh. Buffy was moving around, out of my sightline. I vaguely heard someone yell out. I struggled to my knees and pulled the bolt Buffy had shot at me out of the wall. No way was I going to let her die.
Darla backed her against a wall, as I stumbled towards them. "C'mon, Buffy. Take it like a man." No way... No way... I would not let her die. The thought of Buffy dying elicited a roar from me unlike I had ever heard or experienced. I plunged the wooded bolt into Darla's back, my aim right and true. I *felt* the precise moment it sank through her heart. She turned to face me. "Angel?" She murmured weakly, like she couldn't believe that someone who had loved her so much would kill her. Then she burst into dust.
I stared at the pile at my feet for I don't know how long. It felt like an eternity, it could've been only a few seconds. It was long enough. I looked at Buffy, who was staring at me in shock, and looked back down at what used to be my former lover, my friend, my greatest partner. I had chosen, and I had chosen rightly, but it still hurt. I turned and walked out.
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Two days later, at the post fumigation party, I showed up at the Bronze. I knew Buffy would be there. I wouldn't get in her way anymore, I would stay in the shadows that hid and healed. Where I belonged. Willow noticed me standing in the corner, staring at them. I cringed, knowing that if I had really wanted to hide, I would've been able to. Buffy smiled at her friend, and headed my way.
I didn't want to stop looking at her. She was so beautiful. I filled my eyes with her hungrily, looked at the trusting, sad look on her face and felt like I was dying. I had to say something. "I...just wanted to see if you were okay. And your mother."
"We're both good. You?"
"If I can go awhile without being stabbed or shot, I'll be all right. Look, this can't..." I didn't want to say it, so she finished for me.
"Ever be anything, I know. For one thing, you're like, two hundred and twenty-four years older than me." I smiled sadly.
"I just gotta walk away from this." Buffy nodded in agreement.
Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I know. Me too." We looked at each other, drifting closer. "One of us has to go, here."
"I know." I said huskily. I didn't really. I had been completely lost since I saw you, not knowing which way to go, where to turn. But I can't tell you that. Our eyes locked and I tilted her chin up with my hand. One last kiss....
Our lips met with a passion and sadness I had never known. I felt my heart burning in my chest, a hot melting kind of burn. The kiss deepened, and I could taste her thoughts, her feelings. She was filled with loneliness.... I had been the first one to really fill that void in her life and now I would go away, for the best. Tears filled my eyes as all thoughts were swept away by the love I found in her arms. The love she offered me quickened my blood. I kept control over my face, easy this time. I almost felt human in her embrace, almost felt worthy of her acceptance and forgiveness. Almost felt worthy of her love. She tasted like summer and warmth. We pulled away slowly and looked in each other's eyes.
"You okay?"
No. I wasn't. The one I loved was to be driven away by my own hand. I didn't want to leave her. "Yeah. It's just..."
"Painful, I know. I'll see you around?" I nodded, my heart in her hand.
She turned around and walked back to her friends. I placed my hand over my chest and felt my skin sizzle where her cross had burned me. Buffy was a star in my life, I knew. She was like the sun, warming everything she touched, reaching her rays of light to the farthest shadows on the earth. She reached them into the shadow where I was hiding. I basked in her glory for a moment, before turning to leave.
I knew I would be back.
The End