Summary: Vengence comes calling, and it's looking for Xander.
Spoilers: Minor through the fourth season of Buffy.
Disclaimer: Joss made the characters. We like to scare them half out of
their minds, though.
Rating: PG
Author's Note from Amy: Yes, we've finally meshed our insanity into one fic.
Email us both, because we like to hear stuff. Even calling us crazy would
make us happy.
Author's Note from Karen: Yes, I am sober. Thank you.

* * * * * * *

"Two vamps, three chaos demons." Buffy sighed, looking around, realizing
that no one was paying attention to her. "One killer purse attacked me, too.
That was less fun."

Giles looked up. "Hmm. Yes, I imagine."

She huffed indignantly. "Giles! Earth to Giles!"

Xander grinned through his mouth full of tortilla chips. He sucked in a
breath before casually stealing one of Willow's Kit Kat Bars. Willow stared
at him. "Don't you think you're going a little heavy on the junk food
tonight, Xander?"

His answer was muffled through the marshmallow he had just stuffed in his
mouth. "Mmmphno." He finished chewing, and then swallowed. "No."

"No," Anya supplied, grinning proudly. "He's not doing too much. I've seen
him eat more. Today alone, he's had two ice cream sundaes, a whole pizza,
three jugs of that weird fizzy orange cream soda, a whole bag of potato
chips, three boxes of raisins, a whole bunch of marshmallow peeps."

Xander blinked, still eating. "They were on sale," he tried to defend
through his food.

Anya smiled. "I don't know how he keeps it down, but he's still a god in
bed." She turned to him, her eyes lighting up, and leaned over to whisper in
his ear.

Xander smiled, then shook his head. "Later. We still have to hear Buffy's
report."

Willow frowned. "You do know how not good this is for you, right Xander? I
mean, your cholesterol alone is probably zooming off of the charts, and you
probably have so many clogged arteries that not even magick could save you.
You need to start thinking about what you eat. I'm surprised you manage to
stay in shape."

"I think about what I eat. And then I eat it. And I get plenty of exercise,
I'll have you know," he said, flashing a grin to Anya, who's eyes twinkled.
At Buffy's cough, Xander's eyes flew back to Willow. "Slaying. Helping.
That's what I meant."

Giles looked up again, his eyes dazed. "I was listening!"

"Giles that was ten minutes ago!" Buffy pouted. "We're talking about Xander
now."

"Boy's made of sugar," Giles mumbled before turning back to his books. "It's
cannibalism, really."

Buffy bit her lip. "Isn't *anyone* going to listen to my report? I *think*
about these reports! I put in long, hard hours trying to figure out what
kind of demon attacked me, what kind of demon I killed, so that you can
record it and be a big man around the other Watchers, and...." She trailed
off, looking around at the others, who were engrossed in their own
conversations. Giles made a grunt without looking up from his book. She
sighed, sticking her tongue out petulantly. "And I'm going home to get some
sleep."
* * * * * * *
Xander was snuggled up in his basement condo. Something shifted beside him,
pulling the covers off his feet. Thinking it was Anya being a cover thief
again, he placed his arm around her. Only it wasn't Anya shaped. Xander's
eyes snapped open.

Stretching out his left hand he patted the blanket beside him. It was
surprisingly spongy and definitely not delightfully Anya shaped. *Please let
this be Anya. Please, God...* Turning his head ever so slightly he spotted IT
out of the corner of his eye. Then he had to look for real. With a primal
scream Xander tumbled backward out of the bed.

"Twinkie??" Xander stared at the eight foot cake of spongy yellow goodness no
doubt filled to the brim with white fluffy cream made from no natural thing
on Earth. Getting to his feet he almost bowed down in awe. It was the mother
of all twinkies. A dreamy smile came over his face as he contemplated which
of his friends had committed this ultimate act of kindness.

A predatory feeling crept over him. "It's mine. All mine." He reverently
touched the side of the twinkie. It shifted under his hand. Startled, Xander
retreated resisting the urge to let out a girlie scream of terror. The
Twinkie rose up like some great demon of cakey wonder. Xander yelped. The
monstrous Twinkie was well over ten feet tall and Xander stared up at it.
"It's alive??"

Horrified, Xander pinched himself. "Not a dream. Alive. Giant Twinkie.
Definitely alive."

The Twinkie lurched towards him, tossing off the blankets. Xander did shriek
this time and scrambled up the stairs. A voice rumbled from within the sponge
cake, possibly the voice of the filling. "I am vengeance. I am the avatar of
twinkies. I have come for you Xander Lavelle Harris."

"Eep." Xander clawed at the door behind him. "Can't we talk about this?" His
fingers finally locked on the door knob, "You know maybe eat some...." What
was non-offensive twinkie food??? "Or maybe we could just have tea? Nice
friendly tea?"

"The time for talking is over. I am here to avenge the thousands upon
thousands of innocent twinkie lives taken in your name," the ominous Twinkie
spoke, beginning up the stairs.

The doorknob was stuck. Xander tried to buy some time. "Hey... I... I don't
only eat twinkies. I also eat marshmallows and... And pretzels! I can't be
the only guy who... uhh..." Xander trailed off, realizing how stupid this
line of reasoning was.

And then the Twinkie began to swell. It grew and grew until it was doubled
in size, boring down on him.

The doorknob turned. Xander gasped with relief, stumbling out into the harsh
light of the kitchen, and ran toward the knife drawer. Taking the sharpest
one he could find out, he looked back to see the Twinkie gaining on him.
Xander charged, stabbing the Twinkie in what looked like the midsection.

A small bit of cream oozed out and the evil laughter of the Twinkie echoed
through Xander's ears. "I am the unkillable."

"Right." Xander nodded, dropping the knife in terror. "Sorry about that.
Unkillable, huh?"

The Twinkie didn't answer, continuing to slither his way.

"Okay, fine," Xander said hurriedly, backing away. "Then I'll be the...
The... Uncatchable. Bye."

He had never run so fast in his life.
* * * * * * *

His lungs were stinging by the time he got to the UC Sunnydale campus. His
bones ached. And still the Twinkie came. "Stop it, stop it! Leave me
alone!" he yelled hysterically, running up the stairs to Willow's room. He
threw the door open, breathing raggedly. "Little help here?!"

"Xander, busy," Willow muttered, her eyes focused on the candle. "Could you
do this some other time?"

"No, now! Willow! Twinkie! Help!"

She didn't look up, resuming her chanting. "Grasso Dolce Giello. Grasso
Dolce Giello."

"WILLOW!"

"Shut up, Xander," she said through gritted teeth. "This is really
important."

"Oh, and my life isn't?! Killer Twinkies aren't important?" he demanded.

"At the moment?" She paused thoughtfully. "No."

The Twinkie had found him. It entered the room and as the light from
Willow's candle spilled over it, it lit up like a Christmas tree, swelling
even more. Xander pointed frantically. "Willow! It's here! Run!"

"I am not here for her," the Twinkie boomed. "I am here for you and you
only. Xander. Lavelle. Harris."

"Shut up! Stop using my middle name! I only got that name because my
grandfa--" Xander stopped, choosing to bolt instead of finishing his
explanation. The Twinkie's laughter followed him as he exited the building.
* * *

Riley stared into Buffy's beautiful green eyes. "So tell me about the demons
again?" The park benches were bathed in light from the campus lanterns and
she was looking striking tonight.

Xander crashed through the bushes. "GIANT TWINKIE! Run for your LIVES!"

Buffy ignored him. "There were two of them. And so BIG. I mean the left one
was at least ten feet tall and the right one...We're talking huge!"

Petulantly, Xander cried, "Hey. Real danger here. Life. Death. Twinkie."

Riley stared at Xander. "Twinkie?"

Buffy shrugged. "Hm. That's great, Xan. Where was I?"

"Huge." Riley offered helpfully.

"Right so there I was with only one axe and two of them..."

The Twinkie towered over the bushes at least sixty feet tall. "Xander..."

"Buffy, please...Help me. Please. Begging ya...Ack!" Xander ducked as the
Twinkie made a grab for him. Buffy and Riley just continued on with their
conversation completely blowing him off.

Xander bolted. The Twinkie crashed down crushing the bushes flat. Buffy and
Riley felt the earth shake. "What was that all about?"

"Melodrama. Guy watches six soap operas a day. Then I swung the axe and loped
off it's arm just like in Holy Grail.."
* * * *

Giles stumbled down the stairs, closing his dressing gown as he walked toward
the door. His slipped his glasses on and glared as the pounding on his door
continued. Opening it quickly, he was startled as Xander fell into his arms.
"Xander! Are you all right?"

"No," the boy panted. "Hundred and fifty foot... Twinkie. Big. Knows my
name. Trying to kill me. Says I'm evil."

Giles dropped him with a thud, disgust covering his face. "Oh, Xander,
really. I was just about to go to bed. I'm really not in the mood for any
of this nonsense."

Xander looked up with pleading eyes. "This nonsense is trying to kill me!
Little help here? Or maybe a LOT of help here would be better!"

"Xander." Giles looked stern and very put-out. "I'm giving you exactly ten
seconds to stop this and get out. Go home. Go to sleep. If you're drunk,
sleep it off. If not, I'm told a nightcap calms the nerves. Just please
leave me to my rest." He gently but firmly lifted Xander up and shoved him
out of the door.

Xander called to him as the door began to close, "If I'm dead tomorrow,
you're going to feel bad! I'm talking major guilt coupons. You're never
going to live this one down! And you'll never forgive yourself. I hope."

Giles shook his head simply and closed the door again, locking it into place.
Xander turned, sweat beading his brow. "What do I do now?"

"You will pay," the Twinkie intoned, advancing on him in Giles's courtyard.
It was as big as Xander had seen it, the top of it leaning over the top of
the building.

Xander's mouth opened in astonishment. "Am I the *only* one who can see
you?" he demanded, annoyed. "You're a freakin' hundred and fifty foot
Twinkie! SOMEBODY has to see you!"

The Twinkie refused to answer again, and Xander decided not to wait until he
did. Instead, he did the only thing he'd learned to do from this situation.

He ran again. He ran out into the night and a car swerved to avoid hitting
him. Xander tumbled to the ground as the driver got out in shock. "Hey!
Are you okay? Did I... Are you okay?"

"I'm being stalked by a killer pastry," Xander muttered, standing up slowly.
"I'm so very not okay."

"Oh my God, I did hit you! You have a concussion!"

Xander blinked, finally looking at the person he was talking to. "Jonathan?"

"Xander?"

Xander nodded, then laughed, pulling the shorter boy into his arms roughly.
"Thank you."

"For what?" Jonathan mumbled against Xander's chest, completely astonished.

"For your car." Xander let go and leapt into the drivers' seat. He slammed
the door behind him, calling out the window as he pulled away, "I'll try to
bring it back in one piece!"
* * * * * * *

The car shimmied a little as Xander cranked the thing up to eighty. Swerving
to avoid a stand of trees, he glanced into his rear view mirror. The Twinkie
was gaining. *Plan. Need a plan. Yes plan....* Xander banged his hand on the
steering wheel. Giant killer twinkies were just a little distracting.

"So," Xander expounded to himself. "I'm a giant freaking twinkie, what kills
me? Hm. Giant Xanders? Too complicated. Knives are not workable. Um..Too big
to eat now. Although I consider *that* a challenge. Um. I'm made of a
delightfully spongy material...GOT IT!" Xander slammed on the brakes.
Spinning the wheel he turned sharply. Pointing his car towards the beach he
floored it.

The Twinkie kept pace with the car. It rumbled as it inched like some
monstrous cake worm. "Xander." It chanted over and over again. Xander kept
one eye on it and another on the highway. "C'mon. C'mon."

Finally he hit beach. The car skittered on the sand weaving. Xander switched
to low gear and hoped for the best. Of course that's when the car sputtered
and died. "Out of gas? Jonathan you little..." Xander trailed off as the now
gigantic, one hundred fifty foot Twinkie appeared. Swaying ominously it made
its way onto the beach.

'Hey big guy. I um..." *Need to get you to follow me.* Xander's mind raced.
"Hey, I ate your mom! And about fifty of your closest cousins! Come and get
me."

The Twinkie roared.

"Perhaps not the best thing to say to a giant snack food." Xander bolted down
the beach towards the ocean still goading the Twinkie. "And uh, I ah ate your
sister. She was one hell of a tasty cake." Xander inched his way into the
freezing water. It stung his ankles and legs.

The Twinkie charged him.

Xander screamed. He sloshed his way farther out to sea. Finally he leapt into
the waves as the Twinkie came crashing down. Sea spray exploded up above the
Twinkie, blotting out the stars.

A hundred and fifty tons of Twinkie crashed down on top of Xander. He clawed
frantically trying to reach the surface. The Twinkie screamed in frustration
as it absorbed all of the water. Tearing through it's soggy body he bobbed to
the surface.

"Gah. Ha. Sponge meet water. Who says I never learned anything in school?"
Xander crowed triumphantly. Mushy twinkie bits were broken up as waves
crashed into it. Swimming to shore, Xander climbed out and did a victory
dance. "Whoo!"

The Twinkie continued to shriek helplessly, rolling slowly and then stopping,
dead and dissipating in the water. Xander scowled. "They're going to feel
so bad when they realize that I almost died tonight," he said with relish,
thinking of tomorrow.

He wiped twinkie chunks out of his hair as he returned to Jonathan's car.
For a moment, without knowing why, he stopped in front of it before kicking
it in frustration. "Still out of gas."

He started the long walk home.
* * * * *

"Three vampires, no demons, one dog." Buffy paused. "Which I didn't kill."

Giles raised his eyebrows. "You didn't?"

"Well, not the dog," she replied, pleased that he was listening. "The
vampires were dead before they could introduce themselves. But I really
should stop doing that because I feel cheap when I don't even know their
names."

Giles coughed, then nodded. "Right. Anything else?"

"One hundred and fifty foot Twinkie," Xander supplied. "Dead and gone. In
the ocean."

Four pairs of eyes turned to look at him. Willow finally responded. "What?"

"Do NONE of you remember me coming to you for help last night?" Xander
demanded, banging his fist into the table. "I begged and begged, and no one
would listen?"

"You didn't come to me," Anya said, staring at him.

"Sometimes eating strange things before bed can do weird stuff to the mind,"
Willow murmured. "I remember you coming into my room when I was doing a
spell, and ranting about something that didn't make any sense because nothing
was there."

"It WAS there!" he insisted.

"Yes, Xander, you really should stop eating that junk before you sleep,"
Giles said with reproach.

"I've been 'eating that junk before bed' since I was four! And I think that
I'd know the difference between a sugar rush and a homicidal pastry," he
defended. "For all you know, I saved the entire town last night!"

"All right, Xand," Buffy said patiently. "No need to get upset. If you say
it, we'll... Believe you."

"Sure you will," he said with a smirk. "And the patronizing tone means...?"

"That she's patronizing you," Anya said, patting his hand. "She's definitely
patronizing you."

The group began to disperse, Buffy murmuring something about seeing Riley
later. Anya gave Xander a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving. "See you
tonight." She told him, pinching his butt.

Willow stood, picking up her bag. A small book tumbled out, and Giles bent
to pick it up. He raised his eyebrows as he quickly read the title and then
handed it to her. She grinned sheepishly. A blush stained her cheeks.

Xander despondently moved out of the apartment, his shoulders hunched.
"Nobody believes me."

"I don't know, Xander." A smile tugged at the corner of Giles's mouth. "It
is Sunnydale, after all." With a small measure of comfort Xander left and
Giles turned to Willow, trying not to burst into laughter. "Animating the
Common Snack Food?"

"He wasn't being healthy," she defended weakly. "I just thought..."

Giles's eyes got a distant look. "I once had a giant gumdrop chase Ethan
down Brighton beach. It was a heavenly day."

Willow laughed, slapping him on the arm. "Giles, we had no idea!"

"Well, I hide it well," he said with a grin.

"Yeah and at least he won't be eating anymore junk food," Willow said,
smiling hopefully. "Right?"

Giles hesitated a moment. "One can only hope, Willow."
* * * * * * *

In the dark of his basement condo, his hands tore through yet another
wrapper, gripping yet another victim. He squeezed it a bit, until the cream
oozed out over his hand. "You think YOU can hurt me?? You think YOU'RE
strong enough to make me run??" He stuffed it into his mouth, his next words
muffled.

"I don't phink mso."

The End


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