The Strength to Heal

by: Amy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The small group of three sat quietly around the desk and watched the clock,
waiting for the rest of them to arrive. After ten minutes, and no one had
shown up, Buffy turned to Giles, suddenly panic-stricken. She tugged at his
sleeve, her eyes filled with a new and unleashed pain.

"Giles!" she choked, on the edge of tears again. His eyes dropped to hers
and he winced internally at what he saw there, taking her hand.

"What is it, Buffy?"

"Tell..." She paused, closing her eyes for a moment and breathing in deeply.
"Can you... Would you tell my mom for me?"

He blinked. "Don't you think she would take it easier coming from you?" he
asked gently. Buffy nodded in wholehearted agreement, her lips turned down.

"Yeah," she whispered, "But I don't think I would." Giles's eyes widened in
alarm and he slowly nodded. She looked around the still library for a moment
and then stood, wrapping the blanket around herself more securely. "I'm
going to wait in your office. Cordelia?"

Cordelia stood too, not needing to be asked. "I'll come."

Buffy hesitated as she got to the door and turned around, finding herself
looking at a very lost man. A person who seemed almost as lost as she was.
She sighed heavily, her mind weary against the strain, her heart denying what
had happened until it came time to confess it. "Would you send Angel and
Willow and Xander and Oz in here when they get here?"

He lifted his head; he would. His shoulders slumped and Buffy's heart
reached out to his, feeling worse than it ever had. "I'm so sorry, Giles. I
should never have let this happen."

He didn't hear her, and she didn't really want him to. Instead, she shuffled
into the office and quietly shut the door behind her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy and Cordelia waited in uneasy silence, clutching hands. Buffy would
occasionally glance out side the window, but her mother was working very late
that night and probably wouldn't get the message on the answering machine for
another twenty minutes.

Angel arrived first, and as Buffy saw his face through the bookstacks, her
throat constricted convulsively, as if she was going to vomit. Cordelia, in
a moment of rare sympathy and identifying, petted Buffy's hair back, trying
to soothe her. Buffy's voice was barely audible. "How am I going to do it?
How am I going to tell him?"

Cordelia just nodded, not saying anything as they watched Angel lean down and
talk to a very tired Giles. Giles said a few words before gesturing to the
office, and Angel turned and walked over to it was a concerned look on his
face. He opened the door, his eyes hardly passing over Cordelia, his
thoughts only on Buffy. He took in her bruised, scraped face and dirty hair
and licked his lips, swallowing hard in something that looked like pain.

Cordelia finally spoke up when Buffy didn't. "What did Giles say to you?"

Angel shook his head in a daze, kneeling in front of Buffy, still staring in
shock. "He... told me to stay calm. What happened?" Angel breathed,
reaching up to gently touch the scrape on her cheek. She didn't shudder when
he touched her, but he did. He closed his eyes and then opened them, eyes
full of a new knowledge that he didn't want to have. "Oh my God," he
whispered, tears breaking his words.

"How did you...?" Buffy started to ask in a small voice, her eyes not meeting
his.

With difficulty, Angel replied, "I smell... them on you."

Her voice trembled. "All over me?"

"Yes." He touched her hand softly and his lips grew into a thin line as he
recriminated himself. "I should have walked you home," he growled under his
breath. Fury quickly filled his eyes and his bloodlust sang through his
veins. How good it would be to kill them. Kill the blackest hearts that
walked the earth, tear their throats away with his hands, rip off the parts
that the males loved so much that they needed to terrorize her. How good it
would be to take away their security.

Buffy shuddered violently, and Angel realized that he had been mumbling his
thoughts out loud. Her next words shocked him. "You don't... hate me?"

"What?" he exploded. Buffy cringed and even more regret overtook his heart.

"For... Do you hate me?" she whispered.

Angel reached up and trailed the tracks of her tears with his fingers. She
closed her eyes at the simple, pure sensation and he realized that she truly
believed that he would think less of her and that she needed to know the
truth. "I don't hate you," he confirmed firmly, quietly. "I love you and I
always will. I hate them. I want to kill them for doing this to you,
Buffy."

"Not now," she said, her voice tinged with a question. He nodded and she
continued. "Just hold me?"

He opened his arms and she sank into them, burying her face into his shirt
and sobbing, letting him comfort her as only he could. Cordelia remained
silent, watching this all play out, and then gracefully let herself out of
the office.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cordelia sat down next to Giles heavily. She paused, taking in his state:
His elbows were on the table and his face was in his hands. Silent tremors
wracked his shoulders and for a moment, Cordelia could only look at him,
confused, before she realized that he was crying. That hit her harder than
she had thought it would.

*Giles* was *crying*.

Her lips starting to tremble for the first time that night, she finally let
go of some of the grief she had been holding in for Buffy and herself.
Cordelia placed a hand on his back, but he didn't stop crying, couldn't seem
to be able to stop.

"It's my fault," he whispered hoarsely, and Cordelia knew he wasn't talking
directly to her. "I knew... It's my fault."

"What's your fault, Giles?"

Giles breathed in slowly, calming his wave of tears and looked up at her. "I
knew that when a Slayer turns eighteen, she loses her strength for three days
and three nights. She was supposed to have performed a test tonight, and I
didn't tell her. I could have prevented it."

More tears formed in his eyes and he looked away from Cordelia, who was now
crying openly too. "She's going to forgive you, Giles. You didn't know this
would happen. Right now she's in there thinking that it's her fault.
Just... reassure her that it's not, make her know that she's not to blame,
even if you have to tell her a hundred times a day. And know that she's
going to heal in time."

"Can you be sure? Can you be sure that I didn't kill her spirit with this
secret, with what happened?" he asked bitterly.

Cordelia nodded gently, even though he wasn't looking at her. "Yes," she
whispered. "I'm almost sure."

Giles looked down at his hands and replied softly. "Sometimes almost doesn't
make it."

She was about to respond when the library doors were thrust open and Xander,
Willow and Oz ran in, looking breathless. Noting the tearstained faces of
both Cordelia and Giles, they paused and looked around.

Willow could feel it. Something was very, very wrong. She slowly approached
Giles and Cordelia and looked at them, her eyes already becoming moist. "Is
Buffy okay?"

There was a long silence and Cordelia and Giles looked at each other for
guidance. After a moment, Cordelia spoke up. "No."

Xander and Oz crept to the group quietly; the feeling of foreboding wasn't
lost on any of them. Finally, Xander voiced the question that was on most of
their minds. "Is she... dead?"

Giles looked away, hiding his new tears and again it was Cordelia who
answered. "No. But she might want to be right now."