*****
I walked to school in a daze. My life, never really belonging to me, had just turned another cruel corner. A Slayer in love with a Vampire? It would be laughable if it weren't so sad. I headed out to find Willow as soon as I stepped on school grounds.
I met Willow, with Xander and Giles, on the way in. I explained what had happened to them. Shocked silences greeted my story.
Willow was the first to recover her train of thought. "Angel's a vampire?"
My mind was whirling, and for the hundredth time since it happened, I felt tears well up in my eyes. "I just can't believe this is happening. One minute we're kissing and the next...." I trailed off, not wanting to repeat the words pounding through my brain. I spoke to Giles, hopefully. "Can a vampire ever be a good person? Couldn't it happen?"
"A vampire isn't a person at all." He cleared his throat. "It may have the movement, the memories, even the personality of the person it took over, but it's still a demon at the core. Th-there is no halfway." He looked at me regretfully, as though he wished he didn't have to say that.
Xander sat down next to me. "All right...Uh, you have a problem, and it's not a small one. Let's take a breath and look at this calmly and objectively. Angel's a vampire. You're the Slayer. I think it's obvious what you have to do." He smiled helpfully.
I couldn't find anything to say to that, so I kept quiet. Xander looked up at Giles. He crouched down. "Uh, Buffy. It is the Slayer's duty..."
Xander interrupted. "Look, I know you have feelings for the guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right?"
I looked away, not finding any words to appropriately express how I felt. Of course I was. Otherwise there it would be no muss, no fuss, make it home in time for dinner.
"You're in love with a vampire? What, are you outta your mind?!" I didn't want to start crying again, so I tuned him out. I was starting to think that I *was* out of my mind.
School past by fairly quickly. I was too preoccupied to even look at the clock. Immediately after, I headed to the library to research Angel. Giles, Xander and Willow had already started. A book was handed to me, and we looked in silence for about an hour before Giles startled us all by speaking.
"Here's something at last. I couldn't find anything in the texts, but it suddenly occurred to me that it had been awhile since I'd read any of the diaries of the Watchers before me."
Willow broke in. "It musta been so embarrassing when you thought he read your diary, but then it turned out he hadn't, but felt the same way....." She got a look for each of us. "I'm listening"
Giles continued. "There's mention some two hundred years ago in Ireland of the one with the Angelic face."
"You got that right" Oops. I didn't mean to say that out loud.
Xander looked at me and said, "I'm not sayin' anything. I got nothin' to say."
"Does this Angel have a tattoo behind his right shoulder?" Giles asked.
I thought back. "Um, yeah, It's a bird or something."
"Now I'm saying something. You saw him *naked*?!" Xander had gone a little pale, and I stifled the weird urge to laugh.
I caught the end of what Giles was saying. "Around two hundred and forty years."
"Well, he said he was older." Great, now my inner-monolauge has left me. I should just get an operation to broadcast my thoughts to the world. Save me the trouble of speaking.
Giles sat down. "Well, Angelus leaves Ireland, wreaks havoc in Europe for uh, several decades, and then about eighty years ago, the most curious thing happens. He, he comes to America, shuns other vampires, and lives all alone. There's no record of him hunting here." My heart flew with hope.
Willow spoke my thoughts. She was getting a little too good at that. "So Angel *is* a good vampire! I mean, on a scale of one to ten, ten being one whose killing and maiming every night, and one being one whose......not."
Giles decided to step on my heart a little more. "I said that there's no record, but vampires hunt and kill. It's what they do."
"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly" Thanks, Xander.
I still wasn't ready to accept it. There weren't enough pieces to the puzzle. "He could've fed off me, but he didn't!"
Xander, ever helpful, asked Giles the last question. "Question. What was he like before he came to our shores?"
Giles looked at me. "Like all of them. A vicious, violent animal."
I excused myself to go outside for some air. Willow followed me. When we got outside, neither of us spoke for a moment. I think she knew that I just needed quiet for a minute before she started. She looked at me sympathetically.
"You know, Buffy, when I first found out about vampires, it was like my whole world before that had been a lie. I thought of how nice it would be to just be ignorant again, how hard my life had become. Realities are different everyday, you know? Well, I realized something in there. Your life will always be harder than anything I could ever imagine. From now on, every time I think the pressure is going to kill me, I'm going to think of you. I'm not going to concentrate on the sadness all of this has brought me, I'm going to think of the joy I have now at having you as my friend. And I'm going to think of anything I can do to make your life as happy as possible while I know you. Your purpose in life is to save the human race from extinction, and to give people life and hope. Maybe mine is to give you hope. You give all of us strength, maybe I can give you a little peace."
I looked at her. Somewhere in the middle of what she was saying, I had started crying. "For what it's worth, and you may come to your own conclusion, I think that there is way more to the Angel thing than what we've heard. Trust me on that."
I nodded, trembling. Willow hugged me hard, comforting me while I cried. She stood as my rock in that moment, understanding all of the pressures in my life, knowing, and just being my friend. I let out all of the pain and confusion I had been feeling and as she stood there, silent, she did what she'd promised; She gave me hope. I felt it flooding into me, renewing my strength and lifting me up. I pulled away and smiled at her, knowing that I would never find a better friend.
"Thanks" It was all I could come up with, but she understood. I changed the subject before I started to cry in sheer gratitude. "So, you gonna help me study the Civil war tonight?"
She smiled. "Sure! Let me go get my books, and I'll meet you in the library in 15 minutes, okay?"
"Gotcha. I'll do the same. I need to go to the bathroom, too, and wash my face." I giggled as I thought of how I must've looked. It was getting dark by then, and we had to start soon, or we'd never get to bed.
I went to the bathroom after getting my books, and cleaned myself up some. Giles ran into me in the hallway, and informed me that he would be leaving for the night to read some books at his house. He gave me his keys and told me to lock up after he left.
I got to the library, and Willow and I set out to study. We'd been at it for about a half hour when the inevitable happened--my thoughts wandered to Angel. I believed Willow; there was something going on, something weird that I wasn't being told.
Willow's voice pierced my sluggish mind. "Reconstruction began when?"
I tried to cover, not very successfully. "Oh, um....reconstuction began after uh, the construction.......which was shoddy, so um, they had to reconstruct."
She supplied, "After the Civil War"
My mind started calculating. "Right, the Civil War. During which, Angel was already, like, a hundred and change."
"Are we gonna study or are we gonna talk about boys?"
Duh. I looked at her and she smiled and closed my book.
Willow broke into a huge smile. "Sometimes I have this fantasy that Xander just grabs me and kisses me right on the lips."
I chuckled. "you want Xander, you gotta speak up, girl!"
She blanched. Funny, I had never seen anyone blanch before. "No, no, no, no. No speaking up. That way leads to madness and also to the sweaty palms." She paused. "Ok, so here's something I gotta know. When Angel kissed you, before he turned into....how was it?"
I grinned and started entertaining the memory in my head again. I spoke the only word I could think of to describe it. "Unbelievable."
Willow bounced in her chair. "Wow! And it's kind of like a novel how he'll stay young and handsome forever, and you'll still get wrinkly and die. And, oh, what about the children." I looked at her. "I'll be quiet now."
I sighed. "No, I need to hear this. It's ok. I need to get over him so I can..." I stopped, not being able to bring myself to the conclusion of my sentence.
"So you can...." Willow made a stabbing gesture.
I finished. "Like Xander said, I'm the Slayer. And he's a....vampire. God, I can't! He's never done anything to hurt me! Okay, no. I need to stop thinking about this. Okay, let's give this another half hour, and maybe something will sink in. And then I'm going home for some major moping." Willow smiled at me, and started reading from the text again.
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After we were done, I walked her home, and then headed my way. I got to my house in minutes, feeling the need to run to work off some nervous energy. I slammed into my house. I walked into the dining room looking for my mom. "Hello? I'm home!"
When I reached the kitchen, I stopped breathing. I froze. I didn't deserve hope. I should never try to attain it. There Angel was, holding my unconscious mother in his arms. He was wearing his true face. Anger bubbled up inside of me, and I threw him out the window with all of my strength.
I addressed him coldly. "You're not welcome here. You come near us, and I'll kill you." He looked at me before getting up to leave. I ran back into the kitchen and checked my mother's pulse. Thank God, she was still alive.
"Mom? Mom, can you hear me? " I picked up the phone and dialed 911. The operator answered. "Yes, I need an ambulance. 1630, Robello Drive. My mother cut herself. Please hurry, she's lost a lot of blood!" I dropped the phone and resumed trying to wake her.
From nowhere, Xander and Willow walked up to my house. They saw me lying on the floor. Xander turned white. "Oh, my God!"
Willow looked scared for me. "What happened?"
With a single word, I let hatred fill me. "Angel"
The ambulance arrived and loaded my mother in. It was crowded, but all of us somehow managed to fit into the tiny and cramped space. I held my mom's hand, chanting the whole time. "You'll be just fine, you'll be okay."
When we arrived at the hospital, I called Giles to tell him what had happened, before setting myself into worry-mode. It must've been less than 5 minutes, before I saw Giles rushing down the corridor. My mom was talking, telling me that Angel had come over, and she had offered him a snack. I guess he took one.
I told my mom to get some rest and headed out. Giles told me I was lucky to have come in when I did. I hardened myself. "Lucky? I was stupid"
Xander spoke, "Buff, it's not your fault."
I shut him up with a look. "No? I invited him into my home. Even after I knew who he was, what he was, I didn't do anything about it, because I....had feelings for him, because I cared for him." The words, which seemed to make me float the day before, were choking me now, and I was spitting them out in disgust.
Willow looked at me, sad that she couldn't really help. "You care about someone, you care about them. You can't change that by...."
"Killing them? Maybe not, but I'd say it's a mighty good start." I turned to leave, only half hearing Xander say that he would look over my mom. Giles blocked my way.
"This is no ordinary vampire" He dropped his voice to a whisper. "If there is such a thing. Now, he knows you, and he-he's faced the Three. I think it's going to take more than a simple stake. I looked at him evenly.
"So do I." And I left.
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I got to the library quickly, my sheer anger fueling me. When I got there, I loaded the the crossbow, and took a few quick practice shots at a no smoking poster. I nailed him in the heart. That's as you get for smoking. I lowered the bow and set out to find a demon.
I walked to the Bronze. He said he lived close by. I stopped and tilted my head, waiting. I went through a hole in the fence, and stopped again. There! I heard a small noise--the breaking of glass-- right above me. I looked around, and started climbing the ladder two feet away. It led to the top of the Bronze. I walked down the stairs, concentrating. I heard a noise and pivoted in the direction it came.
"I know you're there. And I know what you are."
He answered me, growling. "Do you? I'm just an animal, right?
"You're not an animal. Animals I like." I kept my voice as cold as possible, not betraying my feelings. If I did that, I would loose control, and I couldn't afford that at this place. He came out of the shadows and faced me. I trained the bow on him.
"Let's get it done."
He growled and ran at me. I followed him with my arrows, and shot. I missed, barely. He jumped onto a pipe above. I couldn't see him. All of the sudden, he came down, knocking me into the pool table. I kicked out behind me, and he flew into a wall. I centered the arrows on him, and heard him growl.
He morphed back into human from. I faltered. "C'mon. Don't go soft on me now."
I launched the bolt. It hit the wall, about a foot away from him.
"Little wide."
I wanted to know before I killed him. "Why?" I got up. "Why didn't you just attack me when you had the chance? Was it a joke? To make me feel for you and then.... I've killed a lot of vampires. I've never hated one before." I finished and looked at him, waiting.
"Feels good, doesn't it? Feels simple."
I exploded. "I invited you into my home, and you attacked my family!"
He answered, calmly. "Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends, and their friends children. For a hundred years, I offered an ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart."
"What changed?"
"Fed on a girl about your age. Beautiful. Dumb as a post. But a favorite among her clan."
I was so intent on listening, I nearly out down my bow. I lifted it back up. "Clan?"
He clarified. "Romani. Gypsies. The elders conjured up the perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul."
"What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?" I started lowering the bow, even as I was talking to him. My heart lifted, and I wanted to believe so badly....
Angel continued. "When you become a vampire, the demon gets your body, but it doesn't get your soul. That's gone. No conscience, no remorse, it's an easy way to live. Yo have no idea what it's like to have done the things I've done... And to care. I haven't fed on a living human being since that day." He looked at me, waited for my reaction.
"So you started with my mom?!"
"I didn't bite her." My defenses dropped and I was dangerously close to tears, but I kept it together to find out the rest.
"Then why didn't you say anything?"
"But I wanted to" He finished. "I can walk like a man, but I'm not one."
I looked at Angel, so vulnerable, and put my crossbow on the floor. I walked over to him and tilted my head, letting him look at my neck. "Go ahead." He stared at me in silence. "It's not as easy as it looks, I guess."
"Sure it is!" I whipped around, coming almost face to face with Darla. She continued. "Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is?"
"Bad hair on top of that outfit?"
She smirked. "To love someone who used to love you." She looked at Angel, and he looked at her.
"You guys were involved?" I felt jealousy surge through me.
"For several generations. I made him." She smiled. "There was a time when we shared everything, wasn't there, Angelus? We were going to rule in the Master's court together for a thousand years, but you threw that away because of her. You love someone who hates us. You're sick. You'll always be sick. And you'll always remember what it was like to watch her die." She faced me. "You didn't think I came alone, did you?"
I smirked at her, and kicked my bow into my hands. "I know I didn't"
Darla looked at my weapon and smiled. "Hmm. Scary." She pulled out two revolvers from behind her back. "Scarier." She shot Angel and he staggered into a post. I turned to help him, but realized that if I did that I'd be a goner.
She capped off a few rounds, and started talking casually to me. "So few bullets, and so many body parts. I think I'll start with the kneecaps. No fun dancing without them!"
She shot a couple more out, and the pool table made a loud noise getting hit. I aimed the crossbow on her and let go. She doubled over and looked at me. "Close, but no heart."
I heard Willow call out. Darla turned in her direction, and kept shooting. I jumped up, grabbed the edge of the table and knocked Darla flat. She half lifted and shot several bullets at me while I was running. They shattered glass, and were all near-misses. She shot at me and yelled, "C'mon, Buffy! Take it like a man!"
Angel roared. I turned around to see Angel standing behind Darla, a stake protruding from her chest. She turned around slowly. "Angel?" she said weakly, and then collapsed into dust.
I came out behind the counter and stared at Angel. He stared back. He looked at me for another moment, then at the pile of ashes that was his former lover before heading out. I watched him go in silence.
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Two days later, I sat in the same spot as before at the Bronze with my friends. But nothing was really the same. Though I tried to convince myself otherwise, I knew it to be true. Nothing was really ever going to be that same again. I had talked to Giles, and he looked it up. Apparently, it was possible; the Romani were known especially for their abilities in the ancient magicks. I sighed, preoccupied with my thoughts.
Willow looked at me. "So, no word from Angel?"
I sighed again. "Nah. It's weird, though. In a way, I feel like he's still watching me." I closed my eyes as if that would help me avoid my heavy thoughts.
Willow, the supportive one replied, "Well, he is, in a way." Thanks Will. "In the way of that he's right over there."
My eyes snapped open. I looked in the direction Willow was and for a moment I could do nothing else other that soak him up greedily with my eyes. I glanced at Willow, who nodded, and then got up and headed over to him.
He headed over to me, and we stopped when we reached each other. He spoke first. "I just wanted to see if you were okay. You and your mom..."
"We're both good. You?"
If I can go a little while without being shot or stabbed, I'll be all right." I smiled faintly. He continued. "...Look, this can't...."
I finished his sentence for him. "Ever be anything, I know. For one thing, you're like two hundred and twenty-four years older than me." His eyes were soft.
Angel's voice came out a whisper. "I just gotta walk away from this..."
I nodded in agreement. "I know. Me too." Neither of us moved. My voice dropped. "One of us has got to go, here."
"I know."
We stared at each other for a moment longer, and drifted closer. His hand came up to tilt my chin to his height. I raised it obligingly. His mouth met my own, and my thoughts were swept away by the sheer passion and longing I experienced in that embrace. Our mouths melded together, trading secrets. I felt almost as though I was inside his soul, I was feeling his love for me so strongly. The kiss deepened and we locked ourselves together. He tasted like sadness and rain. We slowly pulled away. I looked into his eyes.
"You okay?"
"It's just....."
"Painful, I know. See you around?"
He nodded. I turned around and felt his eyes on me as I made my way back to my table. Willow was smiling broadly. I returned the smile, but mine was more sedate, sadder. My fingers closed around my cross. It was hot. I sat down, and felt Angel leave.
He was like a shooting star in my life, I knew. I would never get to experience the true happiness that a life with him could have given me. Maybe, though.... Our love seemed like a star in the dark, lighting up the sky, showing me the way.
I decided to follow it.
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The End