Harden My Heart

by Amy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Buffy's really nice," Tara commented shyly as she and Willow stepped into
her room. "I like her. I knew I would."

Willow smiled. "I knew you would too. ...Which is why I was so surprised
when you didn't." She shrugged. "But everyone loses their identity
sometimes... Though, not always in another body, I guess."

"Yeah," Tara laughed, closing the door behind them. "Do you, um, want
something to drink?"

"Sure. Pepsi?"

"I got it." Tara quickly retrieved two Pepsi's from her mini-fridge and
returned to Willow, sitting down next to her on the mattress. The room was
quiet for a moment, except for the soft hissing sounds that came when they
opened their sodas.

Willow swallowed, looking at Tara thoughtfully. After a minute, she smiled
again. "I just... I wanted to say thank you. For helping me. And Buffy,
like you... You know, like you did. You didn't have to do it, and I really
appreciate it. I know it was sort of intense."

"I liked it," Tara answered softly. "I liked helping you, and her. You've
been doing this for a couple of years, and it makes me feel... special that
you asked me to help, that you could use me."

Willow frowned slightly. "Tara? What was it that Faith said to you when we
were at the Bronze?"

The other witch looked startled. "She, um, s-s-s..."

Willow shrugged. "It's okay if you don't want to tell me. I just sort of
wondered about it. But I understand if it was embarrassing." She rolled her
eyes. "Faith is an embarrassing person, with her mouth closed or open."

"She said..." Tara met Willow's eyes evenly. "She was mean about you, sort
of. She m-mentioned the way we were hanging out together. And s-she talked
about Oz some. And made fun o-of the way that I talk."

"Oh..." Willow laid her hand over Tara's, her eyes compassionate. "I'm
sorry. Faith can be such a... She can be such a... Do you see why I don't
like her?"

Tara's smile returned. "Yeah. But, Willow?"

"Mm hmm?" Willow took a long drink from her soda.

"What are you going to do when Oz comes back?" Tara paused, flushing. "I-I
know that it's probably none of my business, 'cause I know he hurt you... And
I didn't even know you then. But I guess I was wondering if, well... If you
were going to get back together with him. It's none of my business," she
repeated quietly, trailing off. "Never mind."

"No, it's okay," Willow said, and Tara's eyes flashed quickly back to her. A
gentle smile melted over Willow's face. "I don't mind sharing stuff with
you. The truth is, I don't know. I missed him so much at first, every
single second of every day that he was gone. He was the first person to ever
love me, the first person to want me to love them. I still miss him,
sometimes. He made me feel beautiful, and special. But he hurt me, too...
Not wanting to work through the problem. I understand it better now, I
guess, but it doesn't make it any easier on me that he felt like he needed to
leave to... do whatever it was that he needed to do. So... I don't know what
I'm going to do when he comes back."

Tara nodded understandingly. She gazed at Willow, her eyes earnest.
"Willow?"

"Yeah?"

She smiled at the redhead. "You *are* beautiful and special."

Willow blushed, warmed by the words, and reached out to take Tara's hand
again. She squeezed it tightly. "You are too."
* * * * * * * * * *

Even now, he could smell her. Three blocks away from the campus and her
scent began filling his nostrils, covering him, making him lightheaded. He
thinks of when he left her, of the tears that covered him then, the salty
heat of them, both hers and his. He thinks of the way she wanted him to
stay.

He should have stayed, he knows that now.

Even this... What he is inside... Even this isn't more important to who he is
than she is. She made who he is. He's a shell of me without her.
Everything important about him, his strengths and warmth and affection and
determination, she gave them all to him, so they're all hers. She embedded
those things so deeply into his soul that every day without her, he felt like
a weak and useless man, felt strange and awkward in his own skin, felt like
a... freak.

Even when she found out he was a werewolf, he never felt like that.

Until he was without her.

So now he returns to Sunnydale, the smell of her assaulting his senses, and
just hopes that it's not too late.
* * * * * * * *

"Man, you gotta talk to her." Devon sat down across from Oz, still looking a
little nonplussed at his friend's sudden arrival. "I can't believe that
you've been in town for days and haven't seen her yet. I mean, yeah, I
didn't like her that much at first-- I still don't know why you'd want to
hang around a chick for more than a month, even if she *is* a good kisser--
but I saw her. You weren't here, Oz. You don't know."

Oz sighed heavily, slouching. "What was she... like?"

"She was like someone who was missing. Who has that mind-thing. Ambrosia.
Where you can't remember anything?"

A small smile touched Oz's lips. "Amnesia."

"Yeah, that. Anyway, it was like she had amnesia and couldn't remember what
her life was like without you or something." Devon shook his head. "I can't
believe that you're that important to her, but this town's weird. People are
weird. At first I just thought she was obsessing about you... She would
come to your room every night and smell your shirts and stuff and cry for
hours, in a little ball on your bed. Depressed even me, not to mention the
rest of the band. We all ended up feeling sorry for her, and feeling like we
could kick the shit out of you. You never even told us why you left... And
we're just your friends. I don't guess she was too clear on it either."

"I had to get some things straight about my life," Oz said tiredly.

"Oh, yeah!" Devon sat up straighter, unknowingly stabbing Oz with each word.
"I almost forgot. When I told her that you sent for your stuff, she went
apeshit. At first she was real quiet, like she didn't understand what I was
talking about, and then she lost it. Just crying and, like, throwing herself
into my arms. I actually had to hold her for a little while. She's not all
bad, Oz. She kept saying, 'He didn't even call me,' over and over. You're a
piece of crap, man, for what you did to that girl." He shrugged. "Sorry."

"No, it's okay," Oz muttered. "Though I didn't really expect to hear it
from... you."

Devon smiled. "What are friends for?"
* * * * * * * * * *

Willow came into her room slowly, thinking. She set her bag down upon her
desk and wandered to her bed, falling on it, staring up at the ceiling.
Buffy watched her and laughed a little, sitting up from where she was reading
to look at her best friend. "Something wrong?"

"Sort of."

Buffy looked worried. "Oh. Something I can help with?"

"Maybe." Willow sat back up, swinging her legs around and letting them
dangle off the bed. She paused, chewing on on lower lip for a moment. "What
if I told you that I was sort of... having feelings for someone new?"

"I'd say that was great!" Buffy fairly shouted. Her face was warm, happiness
for her friend filling her quickly. "What's he like? Does he go here? Does
he know you like him? Does he have feelings for you too?"

"I... I think that this person does." Willow's brow was wrinkled. "I'm
pretty sure. But it's more complicated than that."

"What could be...?" Buffy frowned gently. "Is this about Oz? Because,
Willow... I hate to say it, but he hasn't called in months and months. Maybe
it's time that you move on, you know? Especially if there's a prospective
someone."

"Well, there is." Willow lifted her shoulders, a small grin curving her
mouth, reminding Buffy for a moment of the first time she met Willow.
"But... That's not what I was talking about, really. I mean the
complications don't have to do with Oz, not really, even though I'm still...
I still..." Her voice broke, and she sucked in some air quickly, shaking off
the moment. "The complications have to do with the person I'm interested in."

"Xander?" Buffy asked in confusion.

"No."

"Oh my God." Buffy's eyes widened. "It's not Spike, is it? Please tell me
it's not Spike!"

Willow laughed. "It's not Spike. Though I won't lie, if he wasn't a demon I
might consider it."

Buffy paused. "Giles?"

"No, not Giles. Though I won't lie, if..." Willow started.

"Don't finish that thought," Buffy begged, interrupting. "I don't think I
can handle what it might do to my sleep. I have a hard enough time with
dreams as it is." She stopped, looking at Willow carefully. "Riley?" she
asked slowly.

Willow sighed. "No, it's not Riley."

"Well, who is it?! Come on, Will! You've never held out on me before.
Well, except for the Moloch thing. ...And the Xander thing. Wow, you
really keep a lot of secrets." Buffy gave her a devilish grin. "So, who?
Do I even know him?"

"You've... You've met this person before," Willow said haltingly.

Buffy's grin faltered in confusion. "You keep saying, 'this person.' But...
I don't know anyone-- At least I can't *think* of anyone-- that I haven't
already mentioned. What's going on?"

Willow swallowed. "Buffy, do you remember last year, when my double came to
town? And I hit her with the tranquilizer dart and she passed out, and we
were dragging her into the cage, and I said something... And Angel said
something... And..."

"Sure. But what does that have to do with...?" Again, Buffy's eyed widened.
She tried to phrase her words delicately. "So I know... Her?"

"Tara," Willow sighed miserably. "It's Tara."

"Oh!" Buffy perked up. "Tara's nice!"

"Yeah. But..."

"It's just a little weird," Buffy finished for her. "For me too, though I
guess it's not as bad on me as it is on you. Is it bad?"

Willow nodded, then stopped and shook her head, exhaling. "I just don't know
what I'm going to do."
* * * * * * * * *

A knock on the door woke her up. Buffy looked around blearily for a moment,
noticing that Willow was already gone, and then stumbled out of bed, running
her hands through her hair quickly. "It better be an apocalypse," she
muttered as she moved to the door. She swung it open quickly.

And stopped dead.

"Hey."

Buffy blinked a couple of times, shaking her head. No, he was still there.
She smiled, pulling him into her arms. "Oz! Wow! I wasn't expecting you!
Willow's going to be..." Memories of the previous night flashed through her
mind, and Buffy groaned. Things always got more complicated at the exact
wrong time in Sunnydale. She let go of him. "Sorry. Hey."

Oz smiled. "It's good to see you, Buffy. How are you?"

"I'm fine," she answered stiffly, remembering more about the situation every
second that she was waking up. Oz had just left Willow. And he had cheated
on her before that. She gestured for him to enter, and Oz stepped inside.
"You?"

"I've been better," he said quietly, glancing around. "So I guess Willow's
not here. Do you know when she'll be back? I thought I'd be able to catch
her before psychology."

"Oz, you've been gone for over a semester. Willow's... Well, I don't know
where she is, but she's not there. Besides that, Professor Walsh is dead,"
Buffy answered, moving away from him to pick up her brush. She ran it
nervously through her hair. "And... I'm not really sure that you should be
talking to Willow."

"Is she okay?" Oz said, his voice betraying his anxiousness. "Has she...?"

"No, she's fine," Buffy rushed to assure him. "But she's going through
some... stuff right now. Maybe you could come back in a few months? A year
would be perfect."

Oz looked at her evenly. "Buffy, I'm going to talk to her."

Buffy sighed. "I know. I just thought... She'll be home around seven,
because we had plans to go over to Xander's. If you want to come back
then... I guess it's better to get it over with, whatever 'it' is."

"Thanks," Oz said with relief. "Buffy, I really do appreciate thi--"

"Don't, Oz." Buffy held up her hand. "It's not necessary; it was going to
happen with or without my help." She looked at him, seeing him again,
suddenly, as Oz, the guy who had been her friend for two years, as much as he
had betrayed Willow. Compassion seeped into her heart, though she wasn't
sure what was going to transpire. "And anyway, I'm not sure you should be
thanking me just yet."
* * * * * * * *

"Anyway, I can't wait for you to meet Xander." Willow and Tara bounced down
the hallway to her room. "When I called, Buffy said that she was going to
meet me there, but I just have to pick a couple of books up."

"Yeah." Tara smiled at Willow. "I can't wait to meet him, either. Does...
Does he know about me? Xander's your best friend, right? The one that
you've known forever?"

"Right," Willow nodded as she searched for her key. "And yeah, he knows
about you, sort of. I mean, I mentioned you the other day, when he asked
about how I found out about the Buffy and Faith thing. But tonight you'll
meet him! It'll be really fun. Unless Anya is there," she said, as almost
an afterthought.

Tara laughed. "The demon?"

"Ex-demon," she clarified. "But I don't like her anyway. She almost got all
of my friends killed-- and me-- trying to get her powers back. Ech. Oh,
aha!" Willow smiled triumphantly as she found her key, and slipped it into
the lock. "I guess she's been okay since she's been going out with Xander,
but... Oh my God."

The girls halted as they entered the room, and Oz stood up, an awkward smile
on his face. His voice was apologetic. "I'm sorry... I asked Buffy not to
tell you. I wanted it to be... I wanted to tell you."

Tears filled Willow's eyes. She stared at him, their eyes locking, green on
green. "Oz," she whispered hoarsely. She walked dazedly toward him,
dropping her bag and keys on the floor.

A sob caught in his throat. "Willow." In one stride, he reached her, and
folded her in his arms tightly. She didn't move away, just allowed him to
hold her, inhaling his familiar scent, her mind working too slowly to process
the fact that he was really back, that it wasn't a dream. Her hands
uncertainly crept up to his back, and she placed them around him. He gave a
choked laugh, his hands in her hair. "I didn't know until now... I knew I
missed you, every second, but I didn't know how much I did until I saw you.
I didn't... Willow."

The tears spilled from her eyes, onto his shoulder. "Oz," she murmured
again, breathing deeply, clutching him tighter.

"I can't believe that..." He shook his head against her. "I'm so sorry. I
love you. I love you. I love you."

"I... Oz?" Willow's hands slowly loosened their grip on him, and she pulled
back a little, enough to look into his eyes.

A small smile crept over his face, and she saw tears on his cheeks, too. He
lifted his hands to her face, held it, and leaned forward, kissing her with a
longing built up over too many nights spent apart. The kiss was eager and
earnest, hungry and greedy for everything that he had missed. She kissed him
back, and tasted the salt of their combined tears, tasted him, tasted the
months he was away from her.

Finally she broke the kiss, turning away, tears still leaking from her eyes.
She brushed at them frantically.

Oz looked at her, deflating. "I know. I didn't expect you to just... Which
is why I was surprised when I thought you did. I know that this is going to
take time." He took her hand, squeezed it. "I'm sorry, Willow. I'll say it
as many times as you need me to. And I'll talk about whatever you want,
answer any questions... I'll never leave you again. I can't. I love you."

Willow slowly sank onto her mattress, pulling her hand out of his grasp.
"I'm just... I don't know really what to say, Oz. I have to think." Her
eyes flashed to the doorway, and she closed them in disappointment when she
saw that it was empty; Tara had left.

His voice was rough. "I understand. Take your time." He turned to leave,
then turned back around. "But remember that I love you. And that I've been
thinking for months, and that's the only conclusion I've come to."

Willow watched him go. As soon as the door was shut, a strangled sob tore
out of her throat, and she covered her face with her hands.

He had shown more emotion than anyone would have thought him capable of
showing. And yet, Willow knew that there was more inside of him that he
wanted to say to her, more that he needed to express. She wondered what had
happened to him, and if it was for the better.

She wondered if it mattered.
* * * * * * * * *

"Buffy?" Willow whimpered as her best friend crept in after midnight, trying
not to wake her. "Oz came back."

Buffy sighed heavily and switched the light on, her heart constricting at
what she saw. Willow's eyes were swollen and red, her face covered in the
dry tracks of tears, her hair messy and tangled from hours of tossing and
turning. "I know, Will. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Willow shook her head. "It just hurts."

Buffy sat down next to her, rubbed her shoulder. "That he's back?"

"Yes," Willow answered hollowly. "And it hurts that I don't know what to do."

"I know." Buffy shook her head, leaning down to hug Willow tightly. Willow
returned the embrace, seeking all of the comfort she could get, all of the
comfort her friend had to offer her. Buffy kissed the top of her head. "But
what you need to figure out is what feels right to you. That's when you'll
know what to do; that's when it'll get easier to distinguish what the best
track to take is. You've always found the right thing to do, Willow. I have
faith in you."

"I wish I had more faith in myself," Willow said wearily. A shaky smile slid
over her face. "Would you mind telling me what to do?"

The corner of Buffy's mouth turned up. "I wish I could," she said softly,
smoothing Willow's hair back. "I wish I could make this easier on you, and
magically have the right answer, you know? But I don't. Especially now, I
can't give you the answer. I didn't even know what was right for me when it
was crunch time. You just have to think about it, and sleep on it, and hope
the answer comes to you."

Willow nodded, hugging Buffy again. Her smile was still shaky, but more
firmly in place. "Thank you."
* * * * * * * * *

"Devon, is Oz home?" Willow stepped into the house.

Devon looked up from where he was watching cartoons, and sobered when he saw
her face. He looked at her sympathetically. "Yeah, he's in his room. Just,
don't kill him, okay? We've got a gig in a couple of weeks that I want him
to be there for."

Willow smiled and nodded, moving to the hallway, finding Oz's room easily.

She could have walked there with her eyes closed.

She knocked quickly. "Devon, I already told you that I don't want to go out
to see a movie with naked chicks," Oz called out, sounding annoyed.

A sad smile flickered over her lips. "It's me."

"Oh! Come in! Willow!" Oz sounded surprised, and he quickly slipped on a
shirt, opening the door as she did. They stood and looked at each other for
a moment, and then she let herself in.

"Thanks." Willow sat down in a chair across from his bed. "I thought we
needed to talk."

"Yeah..." Oz nodded slowly.

"I can't be with you, Oz," she blurted out.

The werewolf blanched. "Willow, you've only had a day to think about this,"
he pointed out, trying to keep his voice steady.

"I know." She sighed, looking at him as he sank onto the bed. "I know
everything that you told me. And I know... I know that I love you, Oz.
But..." She looked down at her hands; they were trembling. "But I'm moving
towards something here, something good. I would have never thought we'd end
up... not together... But I guess things sometimes turn out different than
you think. And I think that if it didn't work out again, for whatever
reason, I wouldn't be able to stand it."

"Is this really about that?" he asked, looking intently at her, the tears
hidden deep in his eyes. "Do you really think that if we tried again, it
wouldn't work?"

"I don't know," Willow said softly. "I don't know. But I know that I
can't... I can't reconcile myself to the fact that you just... Left. You
left me, Oz. And as much as I could forgive anything that you do, or did,
or... have done... I can't forget it. I can't forget the hurt inside when
you were gone, when you didn't call or write or let me know that you were
alive or even send a message to me through someone, like Devon. And it
really..."

Her voice cracked. "It really did hurt. It's going to take me a lot of time
to get better from that. It still hurts. It hurts when I think about how
much I love you. It hurts when I think about how many wonderful things that
you've done for me, with me... It hurts when I think about the times you made
me laugh, or the times that you let me cry on your shoulder, or the times we
stayed up talking all night. And I don't want it to hurt when I think about
the good things," she murmured. "I don't want to regret any of it. Which is
why I have to harden my heart right now, have to move on with my life. Which
is why I can't be with you."

Oz nodded slowly, his jaw tight, his throat working silently. "Does this
mean that... It'll never..."

"I don't know," she answered honestly. "I don't want to say yes, and then
have it be no. But I don't want to say no and be wrong, either. Someday,
maybe, both of us will... But it's not today." Her lip trembled. "Even
though I'm always going to love you."

He nodded again, and Willow stood. She smiled tearfully at him, her eyes
glimmering, and then turned to leave.

As she walked past him, Oz caught her hand. Willow looked down at him. "I'm
always going to love you too," he said, a tear slipping out of the corner of
his eye. He lifted her hand and kissed it warmly on the back of her wrist,
then let her hand go, and followed her with his eyes as she passed through
the door.

The door shut behind her, and Oz let out a long-held breath.

He'd lost her.
* * * * * * * *

Willow knocked once, and then let herself in. Tara looked up, a little
shocked, and then back down at her book. "H-hi."

"Hi," Willow said gently, closing the door behind herself. "I called you
this morning, and last night. You... You didn't return my calls."

"Oh." Tara bit her lip nervously. "I was... I m-mean, I had a few things to
do. But I was going to call you! I w-wanted to ask you how it went with Oz
last night. I saw that it l-looked g-good, so I left you guys alone. I
hope that's okay."

"Yes, it's okay." Willow sat down next to her. "Because I needed to get
some things worked out in my head, not because I needed to be alone with
Oz... Though I guess I sort of did. I had a dream last night."

"Oh?" Tara's voice was soft, sad. "What was it about?"

"You, mostly." Willow smiled. "It's sort of funny, because Buffy told me I
needed to sleep on it, and then the answer came to me. I didn't expect it; I
didn't even think I would be *able* to sleep last night. In... In my dream
we were practicing magick, and you were my anchor again. Only this time, I
was going to die, and because you were there, you saved my life."

"Really?" Tara asked in a small voice. A hopeful light came into her eyes.

"Really," Willow nodded, her voice quiet. "And I got to thinking about it,
and I realized something... I realized that over the past few months, you've
been saving my life. I mean, I didn't have anything to look forward to until
I met you. And, I care about you a lot. You're a great friend."

Tara nodded, the light in her eyes flickering and dimming. "You're a great
friend too," she echoed, without inflection.

"No! No, I mean, I care about you." Willow struggled for the right words.
"After Oz left, I felt like dying, or like I was already dead. And you made
me feel alive again, you made me feel all of the good things that I thought I
would never be able to feel again. And I talked to him today, and things are
over. Really and truly. For a lot of reasons. And I wanted to tell you, to
let you know, because you're so important to me now. And... And..." Her
brow furrowed, and Willow leaned forward.

It was a soft, uncertain kiss. Tara paused, and then melted into the
feeling, lacing her fingers through Willow's. After a moment, Willow
deepened the kiss, sweeping her tongue over Tara's lips lightly and then
sinking it into her mouth. Tara responded in kind, fighting tenderly for
domination in the kiss, where too much could nourish your spirit, and too
little could kill your soul.

Finally they broke apart, their breath ragged. Willow blushed furiously
under the curious eyes of Tara. "I didn't really... I wanted to do that, but
I didn't really know that I did," Willow murmured shyly.

"I knew that I did," Tara smiled. "I just didn't know how to tell you."

Willow embraced her warmly, tightly, holding the other girl closely. She
smiled into the curve of Tara's neck, her voice soft.

"You just did."

The End

~Cryin' on the corner, waitin' in the rain
I swear I'll never, ever wait again
You gave me your word... but words for you are lies

Darlin' in my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd go
But it's time to let you know... oh......

I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn... and... leave you here.....

All of my life I've been waitin' in the rain
I've been waiting for a feeling...that never, ever came
It feels so close, but always disappears....

Darlin', in your wildest dreams, you never had a clue...
But it's time you got the news......oooo....

I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
Harden my heart...harden my heart...
swallow my tears
I'm gonna harden my heart....~

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