Summary: Can't tell you. Nope, just can't.
Spoilers: Through first season Angel and fourth season Buffy.
Disclaimer: Joss.
Rating: PG

He knocked tentatively and then opened the door without waiting for her to
answer. When he entered, the room was dark and he could make out her small
profile huddled underneath a thick blanket on the couch. She smiled at him
in the dim light, her voice dreamy. "I knew you would come."

"Of course I did," he responded, his eyebrows drawn together in concern.
"I'll always come for you. Like you would for me."

"I'll come for you," she agreed. "How could I not?" She patted the couch
cushion beside her. "Sit down."

He obeyed with a deep sigh. "Are you okay?"

"I'm always okay when you're around." Her voice remained soft and sweet, her
eyes faraway as she looked at him. He adjusted uncomfortably in his seat,
sure that something was even more wrong than it had been before, but unable
to figure out what.

Finally he settled on a simple thank you. She smiled and he returned the
expression quickly, glad to finally see something familiar about her. She
had seemed so little and small a few moments ago, so confused and...
different.

He reached out and took her deceptively gentle hand in his. She squeezed,
rubbing her thumb across his knuckles. "I love you," she whispered
distantly.

His breath came out a groan of sadness and he pulled her close. "Oh, Buff, I
love you too. I'm sorry that this is so hard. I didn't know... I didn't
know how to come here, to talk to you about any of it. I was selfish and I'm
sorry. I'm so sorry. But we've gotta stick together now that we're all
that's left. You mean everything in the world to me. I'll do anything I can
to make it hurt less for you."

Buffy clung to his shirt, weeping silently at his words. "It's so hard to
lose them. Losing everyone I love, losing every part of me that made me feel
good about being alive." She looked up at him, their faces inches apart and
her eyes shined brightly with tears. "But I'll never lose you, will I? No,
because I can't. I can't lose you and you can't lose me and we'll be
together forever," she babbled senselessly.

But he merely hugged her closer. "No, we'll never lose each other," he
assured her, his voice rough.

"I know." Her tears slowly stopped and the grief in her eyes disappeared.
She slowly smiled at him. Her hand reached up to stroke his mouth with the
soft pads of her fingertips. Pressing herself close to him, she raised her
chin, awaiting his kiss. She opened her eyes a moment later when it didn't
come. Instead, he was looking at her with shock, fascination, and worry.
"What's wrong?"

"What are you...? How...?" he choked. "Isn't this too soon?"

"We have forever now," Buffy replied huskily, pulling his head down to kiss
him warmly on the mouth. "We have forever and I don't want to waste a second
of it."

He jerked away, tears filling his eyes. "This isn't right. I don't feel
that way about you... Anymore. You don't feel that way about me, you never
have. We shouldn't let this go any farther."

She sat up indignantly. "I've never felt that way about you?" she demanded.
"You're the *only* one I've ever felt this way about, Angel! I've loved you
with everything inside of me, every second of every day until I've felt like
there was nothing left! I waited for you, I belonged to you, I tried to get
over you when *you* said that I should only to come to realize that that
could never happen! And you're saying that I don't feel that way about you?
I've never felt anything but. And you're saying that you don't feel that way
about me? How dare you?!"

He licked his lips, his eyes wide. His voice tremored slightly but he tried
to keep it level, keep it calm. "Buffy, listen to me. I'm not Angel. I'm
Xander. Angel's dead, Buffy, and I know it's hard, but it's true. He was
human and now he's dead. It's a lot to deal with, I'm sure, but..."

"Shut up!" she interrupted hysterically, covering her ears with her palms.
"Just shut up! You're lying! You're nothing but a liar! You don't want to
love me, fine! But don't play these mind games with me. You've been gone
too long! You're not allowed!" She shook with blind fury and confusion.

Xander tried to take hold of her arms, to lower them from her ears and get
her to listen to him but she shoved him off, sending him flying across the
room.

The resounding crash he made as he hit the wall and knocked over a small
table made Buffy start. Her eyes narrowed and as he slowly got up, he could
see from her face that she was trying to work it out in her mind. At length
she murmured, "Xander?"

"Yes," he agreed eagerly, grabbing tightly onto the small shred of sense
she'd made. He began for her, his hands outstretched. "Yes, Xander. Me."

And then the moment of sanity was gone and Buffy shook her head, denying the
truth in his words. Her eyes grew big, her smile warm again. "Angel," she
breathed, with one word damning everything she had ever known. Xander's
heart plummeted.

He stood before her, so strong and brave, so in love with her as he'd always
been before. And now, she could finally share the rest of time with him.
She could be with him forever, like each of them had secretly hoped. His
mouth was so close to hers, his touch gentle and caring. He loved her. He
did.

He had to.
* * * * * *

Xander wiped at his eyes on his way to his car. She was asleep, finally.
Asleep and hopefully would wake up to the real world. A world that Xander
could share with her, a world where they could get through it together and
stay as close as they'd always been. A world where she was back the way she
had been before.

Before. He shuddered at the word as it passed through his mind. Before
Angel had been turned human as a reward from the Powers That Be. Before
Willow and Giles had died.

Before the Powers That Be decided to make Buffy immortal.

It had happened too quickly, he knew. Angel's turn and then Buffy's turn and
then like that, before it could all be absorbed and accepted, Angel's death.
And now this. It wasn't fair.

Xander got into his car, wondering when the last time was that anything had
been fair. Because he certainly couldn't remember. "Did Angel have to die?"
he asked aloud, in the silence. "At least... At least they could have been
together..." His voice cracked slightly as the tears welled in his eyes but
he shook his head and started the car.

She was his best friend. His only real friend, now. And she was gone.

He could try to deny it as much as he wanted, but her words tonight were not
the words of someone having temporary illusions. They were the words of
someone who was given something too big to handle, someone who had been
through too much in her life. Someone who was now trapped in a body that
would never die with no one that could stay with her.

Someone who had let herself fall into the madness.

Xander could understand that impulse, he supposed. At least in madness,
things were the way you wanted them to be. They way they always should have
been.

He wanted to ask why it was that the Fates decided to be so cruel to the most
loyal of them all. Why They had decided that Buffy deserved that sort of
eternal punishment, but he kept his mouth closed.

They had always played dirty tricks, on all of their lives.

And this was a very dirty trick indeed.


The End

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