Title: Scattered Thoughts: Promise You Forever
Author: JR
Email: JRR42@yahoo.com
Rating: NC-17 If you shouldn’t be here, be somewhere else.
Episode spoilers: Doppelgangland, Prom, G1 & 2, set between G2 and Buffy season 4/Angel season1
Archive: My site only! If you want to link to it, please contact me to let me know where.
Series/Sequel: Follows ‘Scattered Thoughts: The Road Has Come to an End’, but you *don’t* have to read that before this -- this one can stand alone.
Previous parts: www.angelfire.com/de/theparlor/buffy.html.
Disclaimer: Angel, Willow, et al, are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB. All characters are used without permission. This story is not intended to infringe upon any copyrights, nor is any profit being made from it.
Thanks: As always, to Carrie and to Marius especially for coming through at the 11th hour. You two are the best :-) Thanks so much for all the work you do!

‘It’s always darkest before the dawn’ -- or so the saying goes. I’d been walking the streets enough nights to know that it’s true. There’s something mystical about that final hour before the first hint of the sunrise makes an appearance. Usually, that hour is the loneliest of all for me. With the sky as dark as pitch and that unique scent of night itself in the air, that last hour is my private time to think, to ponder, and most of all, to regret.

But my thoughts that night I spent with Willow were remarkably regret-free.

I spent that hour doing nothing more than staring at the miracle that slept so peacefully against my leg. For once, my normally non-stop mind was completely at rest. Don’t get me wrong. I knew that there were still a great number of things to worry over, but somehow I managed to keep them held back for a short time.

Reluctant to disturb Willow’s slumber, I let her sleep long after the sun rose. Tired myself and reasonably sure that our actions weren’t going to have any Angelus-type consequences, I dozed on and off, too.

My dreams that night were unusually pleasant. In my sleep I found myself making love to Willow all over again. My sub-subconscious worked overtime, allowing me to love Willow on a sun-lit bed, without the chains and remorse that tainted the real-life experience. I even had one dream where I prostrated myself to her, bowing down and kissing her feet as I thanked her for allowing me to make amends for restoring my soul.

I woke with a start from that last one. Willow didn’t seem disturbed by the way my body jerked in reaction. I knew she’d awakened a few times during the day, either to go to the bathroom or to get herself some water out of the otherwise empty kitchen. Not certain that I wanted to spoil the peacefulness that had settled between us, I feigned sleep whenever she rose. Each time, I prayed that she wouldn’t grab her clothes and slip out into the daylight, but Willow didn’t do that at all. Instead, she did her best to quietly creep back toward me, resuming her endearing place on my leg. As the hours passed by all too quickly, I let her sleep. I spent that time staring at the wonder that was Willow and trying to search for the hidden meanings in the dream-images my mind had provided.

Willow slept straight through the day from about noon onward, waking for real shortly before sunset. I watched her eyes grow wide with confusion and shock as her gaze fell upon me. After a long moment, she seemed to regain her memory of the previous night and all it entailed. I figuratively held my breath as I anxiously awaited her reaction.

“A...Angel?” she questioned. It took me a moment to realize she was still uncertain whether I was myself or Angelus.

“It’s me, Will. It’s really me,” I rushed to reassure her.

I could have sworn my heart actually beat for a second when I saw her smile at me.

It was okay. *We* were going to be okay.

I set Angel free right after that. Okay, I know it was horribly wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself from giggling at the way his newly-released -- and completely numb -- arms fell uselessly to his sides. They way they hung there like a limp... well...let’s just say it was pretty darned amusing.

It’s a good thing that he remained seated until he was able to move his arms again, otherwise he couldn’t have held the sheet over himself like he ended up doing when he finally stood. To be totally honest, I’m not sure I was ready to deal with a naked Angel in the daytime, well if the last few minutes before sunset could really be considered ‘daytime’. I guess they are, especially if you’re a vampire. Of course my little tangent thoughts didn’t stop me from sneaking a peak as he leaned forward and back in order to stretch some of the sleep-tension out of his muscles.

When he finished, Angel took a step, crossing the short distance that separated us. I felt a moment of pure nervousness, uncertain what his intentions were. I shouldn’t have worried, though.

Using one hand to clutch the thick blanket to his waist, he reached out and pulled me into an embrace with his free arm. Relieved that everything seemed to be okay, I wrapped both my arms around his waist and held on for dear life.

We stood that way until Angel shifted to press his lips against my forehead in a slow kiss. Somewhere in the middle of it, I felt his arm pull me even closer to him. It took me by surprise, to say the least. Maybe it was because it felt so final...

That’s when I knew.

“You’re leaving tonight, aren’t you?” I asked, already well-aware of the answer.

“Yes,” he confirmed simply. Although he relaxed his ferocious grip, our arms remained wrapped around each other. It seemed that neither of us was ready to let go just yet. “I have to go tonight. I have an appointment with a landlord. He’s meeting me at nine o’clock to sign the lease on the new place where I’m going to be staying.”

“Oh.” It was all I could think of to say.

We held each other for a long time after that. Despite what we’d done the night before, there was nothing sexual about our embrace -- just two friends taking comfort from each other. We ended up staying that way until the shadows lengthened and the sun completed its nightly slide over the horizon.

I was the one who finally pulled away first.

“I’d better get going. You’re going to have to get a move on if you’re going to make that appointment,” I warned as I turned away and began sorting through the various clothing on the floor. Finding my skirt, I kept my back to Angel, using the opportunity to surreptitiously wipe a tear from my eye.

“If you wait a few minutes, I’ll drive you home,” Angel offered with honest graciousness.

“Drive?” I questioned. In the past three years, I never realized that Angel even knew how to drive, let alone that he had a car. I guess it was because he always seemed to walk wherever he was going.

“Yes,” he confirmed with a smirk. “Believe it or not, I can drive. I’ll even be happy to demonstrate if you’ll just give me a minute to shower first. It’s dark out already, and I’d rather you not walk out there alone,” he added more seriously.

“For old time’s sake?” I teased, thinking back to what Angel told me the night before about secretly protecting me.

“For old time’s sake,” he agree with a smile before he turned and headed for the bathroom. “I’ll be back in a second.”

My eyes were glued to the sleek muscles of his bared back as he left. Just the sight of it gave me flashbacks to the night before, which was odd, because I don’t think I ever *saw* his back...

...Oh God.

Oh God!

It was then that it hit me. All the naughty thoughts I had just experienced brought back the reality of what had happened between us the night before. I tried to keep my mind off of it by sorting through the clothes on the floor and putting those that were mine back on where they belonged.

Angel. I slept with Angel. I had *sex* with Angel.

Oh God.

By the time I finished dressing, I was a nervous wreck. Thoughts of Oz and Buffy were free-wheeling in my mind. Guilt, consequences and embarrassment were dancing like sugarplums all in my head.

Oz. Oh God! I had cheated on him... *again*. And not only that, but I had done it with my best-friend’s boyfriend. Okay, maybe not boyfriend anymore, but definitely her soulmate. Oh God. That’s even worse. It’s like getting double-billed on my bad-karma account...

I couldn’t help but jump when I unexpectedly felt something grab me...

As soon as I emerged from the bedroom, I knew what was happening. Willow was fluttering about the room like a madwoman. It was as if somebody had found a switch labeled ‘hyper’ in her head and flipped it on. And I do mean full-blown panic.

I hurried over to her, grabbing her arm to gain her attention. She nearly jumped out of her skin when I did, her eyes going wide with surprise.

“Willow?” I asked, worried by seeing her so out of sorts. “Willow, calm down. Tell me what’s wrong. Please.” When that didn’t work, I pulled her into a hug.

“Angel?” she asked timidly after a minute or so had passed.

“I’m here,” I answered, leaning back to look in her eyes. Some of the borderline hysteria was gone, but she still seemed afraid. No, not afraid. Guilty. Her expression was guilty.

Damn.

“Please don’t regret what happened last night, Willow,” I requested earnestly. “Because if you do, I might start regretting it, too, and that’s not how I want to remember it.”

“I...” Willow began, her forehead wrinkling in confusion. Removing a hand from one of her arms, I brought it up to push a red strand of hair back behind one of her ears as I spoke.

“Last night was unexpected,” I confirmed, but quickly continued on, “it was unexpected, and beautiful, and wonderful, and magical.” She blushed prettily, and I couldn’t stop myself from running the backs of my fingers along her reddened cheek. “Making love with you was amazing, Willow. But that wasn’t the only thing that I want to remember about last night. I want to remember talking to you, seeing the world through your eyes. I want to remember watching you as you slept and how you looked when you woke up. I want to remember you laughing and the sexy way that you answered when I asked you where we had left off. I always wondered how much fire was inside you, Willow; but I *never* thought -- never even dared to hope -- that I’d ever get the chance to find out.”

“You...wondered...about *me*?” she squeaked.

“You’re a beautiful girl, Willow,” I explained, my tone announcing my belief that I was stating obvious. “And yes, I did think about what it would be like to be with you like that.”

“Wow,” Willow said, her surprise making her speechless. After a few moments, her eyes dropped to the floor, and she mumbled something that knocked me for a loop.

“And I thought I was the only one.”

What? She couldn’t...she...was she talking about me? From the way she scuffed at the floor with the toe of one of her shoes, I knew it to be true. All this time, Willow had wondered what it would be like to be with me? Irony, you wound me so.

I just threw back my head and laughed.

We left the mansion shortly after we both stopped laughing. Once I’d seen the humor in our situation, my reaction was similar to Angel’s. Sides aching and eyes tearing over, we finally managed to pull ourselves together enough to head for Angel’s car.

Somehow, the huge black convertible seemed strangely appropriate for him. Sleek, dark, and larger than life. I guess I’m starting to understand that expression that they say about a man and his vehicle. Well, not really, but I’m sure I’ll get it eventually.

To my surprise, Angel was a good driver. Granted, I probably would have felt safer if he wouldn’t have kept stealing glances in my direction. I kept wanting to tell him: ‘Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!’

About halfway through the trip, we came to a stop at a red light. Angel turned to me then, his hands gripping and releasing the steering wheel in a nervous manner. I wasn’t sure if I should ask him whether or not something was wrong. The light going back to green kind of took the matter out of my hands, anyway.

“I...uh...,” Angel started slowly. I swore I saw the slightest hint of a blush on his cheeks. “I wanted to...warn you...that it...well, it might be a good idea to...well...avoid Oz for the next couple of days.”

“What!?” I wasn’t sure whether I should be touched or outraged by his request.

“No! I didn’t mean...that is...I just wanted...” Angel gave up for a minute, trying to find the words he wanted. “It’s just that...my scent is on you.”

“Huh?” That’s me, eloquent-girl.

“My scent...our scents...they’re all over us, and I don’t want what happened with us to cause you any problems with him.”

“Oh.”

“Even if you shower, he’ll probably still be able to pick up on it. I know that you love him, Willow, and I know that you had some problems before, and I just don’t want to cause you any more of them...”

“Angel,” I interrupted, more than a little amused by his babbling. Just when had we reversed roles, here? “Angel, it’s okay.”

“Huh?”

“Oz is with the band doing a gig in San Diego. He won’t be back for another week,” I informed him with a smile.

“Oh, good.”

Guess we were back to our regularly scheduled show -- The Misadventures of Babble-Girl and Brooding Guy.

Quiet descended again as we drove through Sunnydale’s sleepy streets. Not knowing what else to do, I closed my eyes for a moment, loving the feeling of the wind in my hair as the open-topped convertible drove along. I was searching for something to say when Angel uncharacteristically broke the silence between us.

“I have...there’s something for you in the glove compartment,” he offered without looking at me.

My curiosity bloomed as I leaned forward and twisted the knob that held the little door shut. The compartment was almost empty, littered only by a few papers. One looked like the registration for the car, but that wasn’t what caught my attention.

On top of the pink slip, there were two envelopes.

Pulling them out, I noticed that they were both sealed and stamped -- one for me and one for Giles. Both letters were addressed to our respective homes.

“Angel?” I asked, burning to know what was in the envelope.

“I wanted you to have that. It’s my new address and phone number. The phone won’t be turned on for another day or two, but that’s the number the company said I would have. I was planning to mail those on my way out of town, but since you’re here now, I figured I might as well...” Angel shrugged his shoulders, allowing his words to trail off unfinished.

To be honest, I was a little surprised. I mean, I never guessed that Angel would give *me* his new address. Buffy? Certainly. Giles? Well that made sense, since Giles was kinda our Grand Pooh-ba of co-ordination. If we found ourselves needing Angel’s help, Giles would most likely be the one to call Angel and let him know.

But me? Don’t get me wrong. Seeing that envelope with my name and address written in Angel’s old-fashioned handwriting gave me major warm, fuzzy feelings. But, for the life of me, I still couldn’t figure out why he had chosen me to give it to. *And* he had obviously planned to do so before last night ever happened.

“I...I wanted you know to know where I was just in case you ever needed me...my help...with anything. I...I’ve always thought of you...as my friend...” he stopped suddenly, his expression bashful with just a trace of fear. It was almost like he wasn’t sure that *I* considered him the same way.

“You *are* my friend, Angel,” I reassured him. “You always have been.”

We both fell into silence as he drove up in front of my darkened house. My parents were -- as usual -- gone on some conference or another. I was, however, thankful for their absence this time. It meant that I wouldn’t have to do any explaining about where I had been the night before.

Neither of us seemed certain as to what we should say. I meshed my hands together nervously as Angel rubbed his thumb over some seemingly fascinating spot on his car’s steering wheel. Finally, the quiet grew too oppressive for me.

“It’s not fair!” I burst out suddenly. Angel jumped a little in his seat, his head pivoting sharply in my direction. Meeting his eyes with mine, I explained myself. “After all this time, I finally got a chance to know you -- to just talk to you when it didn’t involve ‘fighting the forces of darkness’ or some other kind of life-threatening situation. And now you’re leaving!”

“Come here,” Angel whispered, leaning over to enfold me in his waiting arms. We clung tightly to each other, our mutual grief becoming almost a tangible thing. “This isn’t goodbye, Willow,” he insisted. “If you need me, I’ll be here for you. Don’t ever doubt that. And please don’t ever be afraid to ask me, no matter how silly it may seem at the time. I worry about you. Especially now that I’m not going to be here to look out for you.”

“I promise I’ll be more careful,” I pledged, knowing that I would be. The fact that Angel had saved my life several times and I hadn’t even known it still gave me major heebie-jeebies.

Sensing that if I didn’t let go of him then, I would never be able to, I took a deep breath and pulled myself away from him. Angel squeezed his eyes shut, as if trying to control the pain from our separation. When he opened them again, he gave me a sad little smile.

“Would you do me one favour,” I asked him shyly.

“Anything,” he swore.

“Promise me that you’ll call me when you get your phone service switched on? I just want to make sure that you got there okay.”

“I will,” he said solemnly.

I hated the moment after that -- knowing that it was to be the last, for a while anyway. I hated the injustice of it all. I hated losing another friend, especially after all the pain and suffering we had been through the week before at graduation. What I hated most was knowing that I had so much more I wanted to say to him before he left.

Especially that one thing that mattered the most. Taking one last deep look into his eyes, I tried to tell him. But I couldn’t. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to, but because I simply didn’t know what to say. Still, I had to try.

“Angel, I...” I stopped, uncertain how to go on. “...I...”

“I do, too, Willow,” Angel replied. “I do, too.”

And right then, I knew that he did.

I kissed her one last time after that. While it had a bittersweet beginning -- tainted with the sorrow of two lovers parting for the last time -- it ended with the most important emotion of all: hope. For with that one kiss, Willow and I sealed our new relationship, that of the closest and most special kind of friends.

“Take care of yourself, Angel,” Willow whispered. “And try not too brood to much,” she added cheekily.

“I’ll make a concerted effort,” I replied with my usual low-brow sarcasm.

“I’m going to miss you,” she said sadly as she opened the car door. “And don’t forget, that help thing goes both ways, you know. If you need me -- or any of us -- call us *before* you get in over your head!”

“I will, Willow,” I placated. With that, she stepped out of the car before turning to push the door closed.

“Be careful,” she whispered.

My eyes followed her as she walked up the path toward her front door. The way the bottom inch of her skirt barely showed beneath the long hem of my grey pullover made her look adorable. I’d given her the shirt after she tried to hand it back to me at the mansion. My excuse was that I didn’t want her getting cold on the drive over, but in truth, I liked the idea of knowing that she had something tangible of mine. And it looked great on her, too.

In the distance, Willow had reached her door. Once she unlocked it, she turned around and gave me a tear-filled smile. It was only then that I finally made sense of it all -- what had happened between us, why I hadn’t lost my soul, and the scope of the gift that I had been given to me.

I loved Willow.

I loved her. Maybe it wasn’t the same soul-wrenching way that I loved Buffy, but that didn’t mean that I loved Willow any less -- just differently. While Buffy represented my ultimate fantasy, Willow offered something else equally as valuable. She offered me comfort, a temporary safe haven from my despair. Sadly, it was the very fleeting nature of Willow’s gift that kept my soul in tact. I couldn’t achieve true happiness knowing that the sanctuary Willow offered could never be permanent -- just a few random days -- or even hours at a time.

What a fool I had been earlier today. Like an idiot, I chose to believe that my night with Willow was something I owed her. Well, maybe I didn’t *owe* her, but it was something that I wanted to give to her -- a way to begin repaying my endless debt to her for restoring my soul.

But the ultimate joke was on me.

I thought last night was about me giving something back to Willow, but it wasn’t. Not at all. Only then did I see that Willow had once again given me something more precious than I ever imagined.

Last night, Willow granted me absolution -- for the pain my presence in their lives has caused, for the crimes I committed against them when I reverted back to Angelus, and most all, for leaving Sunnydale and leaving them all behind.

It’s funny, but I felt as if some of the weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And it was Willow’s doing. Once again, she had seen a need in me that I wasn’t even aware existed, and she had fixed it.

“I love you,” I whispered to the figure by the door. Knowing that she couldn’t hear me, I lifted my hand in farewell. She gave me a sad little wave in return as I moved the gear-shift from ‘park’ to ‘drive’.

As I headed out toward Los Angeles, I kept replaying the events of the past twenty-four hours in my head. But instead of making me sad, they filled me with hope. I was starting a new chapter in my life, one that included a very special relationship with a beautiful, magical red-head.

For the first time in over two hundred years, I felt blessed.

Thanks to Willow.


finis