They see me as a child. An immature girl to be looked over. To be ignored. But he never did. He knows I'm something more. Someone with fire and passion, someone real. It felt good having him tell me, but better when he showed me.

He was doing it to be closer to her, this I know. My cloths, my scent, my face. I knew they reminded him of her. Even though he already had her. I would do things she never would. I would be there, pathetically waiting. I would care, never hurting him.

She didn't know.

Sometimes I wondered. The way she looked at me when I came home in the morning from "Janice's". I think she smelled him on me, just like I smelled him on her when she came home from "patrolling". Never did she say anything, though. Mostly, because she knew I wouldn't lie, and she couldn't bear to hear the truth. For someone who didn't love him, she sure cared alot.

It was never about love with us. He made that clear.

Just sex.

It was a harsh proclamation, but I accepted it. It was better than nothing. Better than being ignored. But I fell in love with him nontheless.

Maybe I am just a child.

~~

I see him with Anya.

It doesn't bother me. It's just sex. He saves his love for someone else...and it bothers her. It makes me smile inside, but then I just feel cold. Shouldn't I care that's he's banging Xander's girl on the Magic Box table that we had so many Scoobie meetings at?

It was just sex. It was the same with me. Though as I watch, I think that at least I can make him scream.

I almost laugh. She's telling me now about her and Spike. As if I'm dumb. As if I'm a child. That's how she sees me. She would never wonder about me. She never cared enough to think I could have been his sloppy seconds. I was too niave to know what sex was.

'You were doing what with him?'

'Is she going to hurt Spike?'

'It must have hurt so much. To see him and, and, and Anya like that? And poor Xander. Everything is so screwed up.'

'So he's not ... going to be around anymore?'

I act as if I'm a child.

Then I almost scream.

I tell her I'm spending the night at Janice's, not caring if my lie is believeable, knowing that she would always believe it. Then I leave, past Janice's and to the crypt.

I discover him pouring liquor into a glass of blood.

"Does it help?" I ask.

Spike looks over his shoulder. He sees me, and doesn't care. He never cared. It's just sex.

"Doesn't hurt." It hurt her. It hurt Buffy, and as much as I hate to admit it, I care. He loves her, and at least someone in this world should have at least that. He sees my bag over my shoulder.

"Not planning a camp-out, are we?" I figured he'd be in the mood, but I guess not.

I try to cover my dissapointment. "No. I'm sleeping over at Janice's. Figured Willow and Tara might want some time to, uh..."

He smiles slightly, staring into his glass "Oh, so the birds are flying again, eh? Ain't love grand."

He turns to sit in his arm chair, not looking at me.

"I wanted to stop by on my way and, you know...Everybody's pretty mad at you." Except me.

"Yeah. Kinda picked up on that."

"You're not going to be coming around anymore. Are you?"

"It's complicated, Nibblet."

I laugh. It's the first time he's talked to me like a child. Like I don't know how incredably simple it is.

Love. Want. Need. Sex.

I know most of all how simple those things can be. "Everybody's been saying that."

"Must be true then."

"Was it worth it? What you did with Anya?" I'm only curious. I wonder if it was worth it with me? He probably doesn't think so.

Spike looks over at me in surprise.

"Buffy told you?"

I shrug. "Kinda caught the show. There was a camera somewhere in the Magic Box. Warren and Jonathan and that other guy have been watching Buffy."

"Wankers!"

"Do you love her?" I have to be sure. For Buffy's sake.

"Oh, no. No. It was just a ... It was a bad day. For both of us. And we just had a few drinks and, things just-"

"No. Not Anya. Buffy."

Spike just stares at his glass.

"Do you really love her?"

Spike doesn't answer.

"Then how could you do that to her?" It hurt her. I shouldn't care that it did, but I do.

"Oh, right, 'cause Big Sis was treating me so well up until that point. Must still be a bit of the evil left in me after all." He was wining. Rationalizing. It was going no where.

"I don't know what happened between you two. But what you did last night ... If you wanted to hurt Buffy, congratulations. It worked."

Then I leave.

I get about a few steps outside his door, when he pulls me back in. Practically dragging me, but I'm not shocked. I've played this game with him before. He always liked it rough. Liked to taint this innocent.

"Did it, now? Was she just heart broken over this souless demon? Did she cry, little bit?" He is whispering vindictively into my ear.

He pins me against the stone wall with his body crushing his pelvis into mine. He rocks into me, and I thrust back with the same intensity. Now, he wants to play. His eyes have no lust in them, as mine do. Only anger.

"Tell me you love me."

I look at him with confusion. He shouldn't care if I did or not. It's just sex. He needs an answer and I tell him what he needs to hear. I can't lie.

"I love you."

He pulls away from me just to undo my pants and pull them down.

"Tell me you need me."

He undoes his zipper.

"I need you."

My voice quivers with anticipation. He enters me with a force that makes me scream. I don't care who might hear me. It hurts, but it's never painful. It's just sex. His scream soon follows, and I hear him say her name.

That's when I knew that this was the last time I would come here seeking him. No more sex. He doesn't make me feel good anymore. Not wanted, or needed.

He only makes me feel like a whore.