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I blame Katie Holmes for everything.

Week after week of sitting in the livingroom watching Dawson's Creek, it occured to me one night that I was more interested in climbing in Joey's window than having Dawson climb in mine.

The thought scared the hell out of me.

I shut the tv off and went up to my room to page through the newest issue of Teen People. Suddenly, things were different. I studied the bodies of the models and starlets and found myself mentally undressing some of them. I tossed the magazine in the trash.

I'm not gay.

I thought Buffy would have a heart attack if she knew what was running through my mind. Not that I have anything against gay people--Willow and Tara are my favorite people in the whole word and I'm the biggest 'shipper of them, like, ever.

But I'm still not gay.

The thing is, it's normal for straight girls to fantasize about other girls, right? Even if it's like... all the time? Sure it is. So maybe I'm just... straight with some bisexual fantasies. Yeah. Totally normal. Totally almost straight. Totally not gay.

I turn out the light and think about Willow and Tara some more. I wonder what exactly they do together. I know how sex works, of course--but how would it work between girls? I guess the same way with a few... adjustments. I think about Tara, specifically. The curves of her body.... no. I clamp down on that train of thought. It could be weird.

I think about Katie instead. The way she smirks and how she does that one-eyebrow-raise thing. The way she looks in those slinky dresses at awards shows. Would I kiss her? Yes. I would. So maybe I'm a little more than straight with bisexual fantasies.

That's still not gay. Not all the way, anyway. So I'm not all the way gay. Just a little.

Then I think about Katie and Tara.... kissing each other.... kissing me.... Oh, god.

I try to think about boys. Justin Timberlake, he's popular now, right? Yeah. So.... he's pretty hot, I guess. Brad Pitt. I think about kissing them. It doesn't work.

It. Doesn't. Work!

I can't think about boys at all. Not Justin, not Brad, not that football player in my chem class. They're so big and solid and not soft and curved like Katie...

It hits me. I toss myself back on my bed and bury my face under the pillow. I know the truth now. Pure and simple and really... weird, but not because I think I've known all along.

I get up and straighten my hair out. I go downstairs and Buffy's wearing her reading glasses that she hardly ever wears and going through the bills.

"Buffy?"

"Hmm?" She doesn't look up. I wait. She looks up and takes her glasses off in a Giles gesture.

"I'm gay."