The Rosenburg Diaries: Part 3
by Sapphire
This next account comes directly from what Giles and Angel told me. Angel had gotten to the library in time to interrupt Dru and the gang, but not to prevent my death. I had lost too much blood for that, and Angel knew it. He told me that the panic that gripped his heart at losing his last true friend in the world was almost too much to bear, and as he held my near-lifeless body in his arms, he had considered putting a stake through his own heart, if the demon in him would let him. He realized that I wasn't dead yet, and that the only way I could live was to drink his life's blood. The thought of making me a vampire was immediately rejected, he told me, until he remembered the spell book I had hidden under my mattress, giving the instructions to the restoration spell. When that thought came to him, he did not hesitate, he told me, out of pain and fear of being alone. He had not considered what I might have wanted, that I might have wanted to die before becoming even a vampire with a soul. Given the choice at that moment, I know that I would have chosen death. Now, however, I see with different sight and wisdom, and I am glad for what Angel did, even if he did it for himself at the time.

Angel had carried me to Giles' apartment, telling him that I had been vamped. He left out the important detail on purpose, I am sure that he feared Giles' wrath. He begged Giles to help him perform the restoration ritual. After much debate, I am told, Giles agreed, with the stipulation being that if it failed, they would stake me before I fed. I have never felt more gratitude to Giles for anything, knowing that he would have done that, knowing my worst nightmare, other than frogs, that is. Knowing that I would not come to for awhile, Angel ran and got my notes from my bedroom. It didn't take them long to do the ritual itself, as I had documented everything very carefully.

This is where I came in, confused, but very much me, with a little demon thrown in. While I understand some of what Angel goes through, the bloodlust he has, I do not understand the feelings of guilt and remorse that he feels about the deaths he has caused. I have never killed a human being. I am even more of an oddity than Angel, a virgin vampire, a Madonna of sorts, the epitome of evil innocence. I do however experience pangs of guilt for what the demon in me *wants* to do, that I keep it from doing. It is very hard to separate yourself from the demon at times, I have learned. It is easy to blame yourself for the demon's nature. In that, Angel and I are similar.

The one thing that hurt me in all this was having to lie to my parents. As far as they knew, I ran off and got married to some boy that they didn't know. I called them regularly to tell them I was okay, but never told them where I was, nor saw them again. I couldn't bear it, the thought of fighting my inner urges to destroy them. In a way, it isn't really a lie. At least, not in the long run.

Right after I changed, Angel isolated me from the world. He said this was to give me time to adjust, and for him to help me with the cravings and the psychological aspect as well. We stayed in Sunnydale, taking over the old mansion that he, Dru, and Spike had been staying in before. It had been something out of a Boris Karloff movie, but I managed to turn it into a home, with Angel's help. He seemed to delight in bringing me new things to decorate with. Restoring the house gave me something to do. I also amassed an enormous library, with Angel's help, and he set up the place with the best thing of all: a T-1 internet connection with every computer gadget I could ever hope to have. I didn't think about where he got all of this stuff at this point, I was just overwhelmed. The house became my dream home, and I didn't need to leave. The garden became a nighttime wonderland, with fountains with lights, statues, and night-blooming flowers that glowed by moonlight. I found exquisite beauty in the night now, things I had never noticed before, like how the moonlight had that magnificent odor that made me feel so alive. And how the stars shown so brightly as to be almost blinding at times. I could almost hear them 'singing' their songs in the night sky. The night teemed with life, and I found no more fear in it.

The hard part was adjusting to my new cravings. I needed blood to survive, and while at first the thought of it wasn't too appealing, I soon realized that the exquisite taste of it overrode the yuck-factor in my mind. I don't expect any mortal reading this to ever understand that statement, but it is the truth. The adrenalin rush I get is beyond description. I can only imagine what a normal vampire feels when they kill for it and it is fresh. It is actually something I do not want to imagine too much. For me, it is almost a sexual rush, and I would say that is true for Angel as well. I won't go into why and how that theory is something I know to be fact just yet, however. Angel took care of the cooking, so to speak, and I was ever the 'net girl. I know that he was in contact with Giles, for he often asked me to look up things for him. It was a confusing, yet interesting time of my life. The newness of vampirism and learning about myself and my capabilities took up most of my energies. I also learned about my liabilities, sometimes the hard way. And during this time, Angel and I became closer and closer.

I can't exactly say when it was that I realized that I was in love with Angel. One day he was my dear friend, my confidant, my companion, and the next he was everything to me. I hid my feelings for some time, afraid that Angel would think me betraying Buffy's memory by loving him as I did. I never imagined the truth. That he had loved me since before my change, and that was the true reason he had done what he did. Simply put, he loved me too much to let me go. He told me once that if Buffy had not turned out to be someone he had loved very much, it probably would have happened sooner between us. I don't know if that is really what would have happened or not. He tells me that he always had a fondness for me, that I had an innocence that drew him to me, even while he was with Buffy. He is always expounding my generosity and my ability to love others unconditionally.

He marveled at my acceptance of his decision. He had expected me to grab the nearest stake for having turned me, but, even with the demon inside of me, I don't feel like an evil being. I am glad that I'm alive. I experience joy in life, and love. It isn't quite the same for Angel. He does love, but the guilt over Angelus haunts him everyday. Nothing I say to him exonerates himself from his guilt. He lives every day with the thought that he does not deserve happiness or forgiveness, that his sins are too vast for it. And every day, I try to show him that he does.

I suppose that I should explain more about how Angel and I realized our true feelings for one another, as I have intimated it already in my writings. One evening, I lost track of time while reading in the garden, and I fell asleep on a lounge at the far end of the garden. As sunrise approached, Angel returned, and unable to find me, became frantic. He found me minutes before sunrise, scooping me up and racing into the house just in time. This is the only time I have ever feared him since the change. He was livid. He dropped me on the floor, and began screaming about my carelessness, turning into full game face during his rant. I just stared at him, shocked by his passionate anger. My silence angered him further, and he picked me up off of the floor by my shoulders, holding me up in the air against him, shaking me as he raved on about how close I had come to burning in the sunlight. I began to cry, partly out of fear of him, and partly out of realization that he was right. When he saw my tears, his demeanor changed immediately. His face softened to the Angel I loved, and he crushed me against him, placing soft kisses on the top of my head, comforting me, and, I believe, himself. I finally calmed down enough to croak out an apology as I clung to him, and he brought my face up to his. I remember exactly what he said to me, every syllable and its intonation.

"I could never live without you, Willow. I love you too much to ever survive without you. You're *everything* to me."

At first his admission brought me shame, for I thought of Buffy when he said it. Then I remembered Buffy's last words to me: 'We approve'. There was no need for remorse. She wanted us both to be happy, and so did Oz. I would be betraying them if I didn't follow my heart. So after a moment of staring into his tortured eyes, I smiled as big as a thousand suns (his description), and told him that I loved him. What I saw in those eyes in return was worth a million brushes with death. I knew that he did not feel worthy of my love, but he did not refuse it. He greedily accepted it, absorbed all I could give him, and returned in kind. So began our life together.


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