The Rosenburg Diaries: Part 2
by Sapphire
During that time we formed a bond that would only strengthen from there. Our deep friendship was what pulled me through the hell I was living. We shared an abiding affection, and a spiritual connection that was beyond any I had experienced. My mind never entertained any ideas of anything more than friendship with him at this point, although I suspect that Giles feared it. I was still attached to Oz in my heart, and he to Buffy. We were both too raw and vulnerable to have entered into anything more.

Life slowly began to resemble some sort of normal, and school was starting again before I knew it. The halls of Sunnydale were lonely without the four of them, and the library that was once my comfort zone was nothing more than a painful reminder of what had once been. Giles understood why I stayed away, I know, and he did venture out on occasion to check on my well-being. I was surprised he stayed after his slayer's death. I knew that he and Angel were still hunting vampires, and that Giles was trying to locate the next slayer to get her to the Hellmouth. He was not having much success. None of the potential chosen ones had come to power after Buffy's death, and with Kendra's death before her there was no slayer. Giles suspected that the girl was unaware of her destiny, much like Buffy had been at the start, and was worried about her well-being and her training. I believe he threw himself into the search as a way to work through the guilt and loss he himself felt over their deaths. I could not help Giles through his guilt and pain. Mine was too fresh, despite the comfort I found in Angel. I simply didn't know how to relate to Giles. Angel was more of an equal, whereas Giles was older, someone who had always offered comfort to us. Most of all, I felt the anger that he felt, and I understood it.

Of all the things that he prepared Buffy to face, I know that it was a great source of frustration for Giles to lose her in such an ordinary way. One would think a great hero would deserve to die with more pomp and circumstance, I guess. I add this because I feel that it is a good companion to Giles' own diaries, to offer an observer's viewpoint to his own about this time. It perhaps could be of comfort to a future watcher who feels pain after losing a slayer to know that he is not alone in these feelings. Perhaps I write it to help lessen the guilt I feel over my inability to reach out to him.

Angel became a regular fixture in my room, usually arriving soon after sundown. Amazingly, my parents left me to myself. They were gone on business more and more often, so that I felt like I was living alone. Angel's presence was comforting. I felt safe with him around. Our friendship grew to a level that I would say was equal to the friendship I had with Xander, only with Angel, I could be more open about my feelings, and Angel was more intuitive about me. Perhaps it is the maturity through which he saw things that made me so comfortable with him. Essentially, Angel was my world that year. I socialized with no one at school, feeling too vulnerable, and frightened that mortal friends would just die like the others. Angel, he was my friend that would not die. At least that is what I told myself. I never really considered his end of it, that everyday he lived in fear that I, being mortal, would die like Buffy and the others as well. It was only a matter of time. If I had considered his feelings about that before, I would not have been surprised by the decision he made later that would change my life forever.

It happened one night right before graduation. I had stayed late that night in the library working on my Valedictorian speech for the ceremony. I was having trouble with it until Angel suggested that I make my speech somewhat a memorial to my lost friends who would not be there with me. I was glad that graduation took place at night, so at least he could be there with me. That was the only reason I was even going, truth be told. I saw no happiness in the moment, nor really any true hope in the future, My focus became the fact that everyone I knew was one heartbeat away from death. I had become an expert on the subject of death. I read all of the books I could get my hands on, read all the near-death experience accounts that I could. My justification was that it gave me comfort knowing where my friends were. Looking back, I would hesitantly say that perhaps the four of them were looking over me that night. For while what happened to me was the thing I most feared, it has ultimately turned into the most wonderful thing for me, and Angel as well.

I don't regret what happened one bit, nor do I look on it with questions about what might have been. I am also glad that Angel acted selfishly that night, and not as I might have wanted him to at the time. It is strange how time and experience changes one's perceptions on things; how something you would have once reviled and loathed could turn into your salvation, as well as someone else's. Getting back to the events of that night, I would have to say that this was the most important night of my life. Everything changed from that point on, and my life would not, or could ever, be the same again. It was ironic that just as I began to feel comfortable in the Sunnydale library again that that was when they happened to be on the prowl for some of Giles prophecy books. By the time I heard them, it was too late, and I knew that Angel would not be here for another half hour.

It has occurred to me often since that night that Drucilla knew exactly who was in that library when she came. That there *was* no book, as she told Spike. I still feel that her actions that night were out of pure malice against Angel, and the fact that he cared for me. Call it retribution for him daring to consort with a mortal. I heard her whisper in my ear "Say hello to your friends, pet" as she sunk her teeth into my neck. I remember an eerie calm falling over me as I felt my life's blood being drained from my body. My only thoughts were of Angel and his grief, not of my own death. Looking back I realize it was then that I knew how much we relied on each other. That life meant nothing without the other. I hoped he would forgive me for leaving. I was not conscious enough to remember Angel's entrance, but I do remember feeling his presence. Angel has told me that they fled when he came bursting in, knowing what he would do to them if they had stayed. I do remember the feeling of being held in his arms, and what felt like tears on my neck as he held me.

This next section is a combination of what Angel has told me and my own experiences and sensations of the decision that Angel made in a split-second moment of blind grief and panic of being alone. I remember tasting something at my lips, and suckling out of automatic response, with no real idea as to what I was actually doing.

And then I was floating in an abyss, hovering between the living and the dead, and I was not alone. They were there with me. Xander told me that I would not be there long, and that we should enjoy the time that we would have together. I was confused, wondering how I could come back to life after losing the blood that I did. I could tell they knew something I didn't. I hugged them all, afraid to let go. I hardly believed that this was actually happening, at least at the moment. Then Buffy looked at me, and said something very strange to me. All she said was, "Willow, I just want you to know that we all approve." My confusion was evident, but as I looked at Oz, who was smiling and holding my hand, I realized that I didn't have to know what they were all approving of, at least not yet. It was then I realized that they were not actually speaking at all, I was hearing their thoughts in my mind. Like a tidal wave, I heard how they were happy were they were, that they had been sad to see how I'd lived my life the last year, and that it had to stop. Buffy was glad that I'd been there for Angel, if not so much for Giles, but I knew that somehow I would have the chance to change that. I knew that Oz loved me, and he wanted me to go on. Xander and Cordy, well they still seemed to be together in eternity, but I knew that to Xander, I would always be his best friend. It was during this 'power bonding' moment that I felt the pull. The others knew it too, for I was pulled close in fierce group hug. I wondered why they were acting so strangely, considering I would really die someday, and would be back eventually. A lifetime wouldn't seem that long to them. Buffy must have heard my thoughts, for she just looked at me with an extreme sadness in her eyes, as did the others. ::What?:: I thought in panic, ::am I going to hell next time??:: Xander just shook his head, and I heard him say "If everything goes the way it's supposed to, you may never see us again. Good-bye Willow, we all love you. Remember that."

And then I was pulled away. I woke up dazed, my eyes opening slowly as the physical pain began to seep through my consciousness. I opened my eyes to see Giles and Angel standing over me. In my state of confusion, I blindly asked where Buffy and the others went, causing a flash of pain in both of their eyes. Angel just whispered my name, and brushed the hair out of my eyes with such tenderness that it brought tears to my eyes. The agony I saw in those eyes when I met them with mine was almost unbearable to look at. I began to realize that a hunger I did not recognize was gnawing at me, one that made me feel disturbed. I looked at Angel questioningly, and he hung his head in what looked like shame. Giles asked me if I was alright, and I nodded, not quite sure of what to tell them. It was at this moment that I realized what Angel had done, for it was at that moment that I realized that, given to baser instincts, I would have liked nothing more than to sink my teeth into Giles neck and suck him dry.


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