Fire Burns: Fire Burns
by Sapphire
Not mine, theirs, don't sue. I'm just having some fun, and I will put them back when I am done. :)



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I sit in front of the fire, the light from it dancing across my face as the warmth spreads around me, yet I feel nothing but cold. The flames seem to mock me, laughing at my stupidity, my inability to see right away that this would never work. It burns my soul.

What was I thinking starting this relationship with Buffy again? I *should* have stayed as far from her as possible when I came back, but it was too difficult. I was too weak and she was so strong, always there to help me.

At first, she seemed so distant. I thought that she hated me, feared me, after all of the things I had done to her when the demon was in control. But time seemed to work its magic, pulling her inevitably back to my side, pulling us towards one another again. It's a magic bond we share. Buffy truly saved me. I owe my very existence to her, and I suspect that her actions saved me from an eternity in a fiery hell as well, from the things that she told me. I owe her everything, and she owes me nothing, yet she gives of herself constantly. I became someone because of her, for her.

And it scares the hell out of me that I now realize it isn't enough anymore. Things have changed.

Our love had become so strong and deep that making love seemed to be a natural progression of it. We hadn't thought about it before hand, it was a rash action, done in the moment, full of emotion and near-desperation.

Desperation to be loved, to feel alive, to show each other what we felt.

I know deep down that I take most of the blame for what happened later that night, but I also can't help casting some blame on those gypsies for not informing me of that convenient happiness clause before they sent me out in the world. I often think of that curse, and wonder why the hell they would have woven such a spell. What sense does it make for me to lose my soul if I ever find true happiness where I'm not haunted anymore? What sense does it make to turn me back into a demon, where I could go on killing heartlessly and mercilessly? I could have continued to atone for my actions of the past, and done some good in this world. But, there seems to be little sense in anything in my existence.

If not for Willow, the demon would most likely be burning in hell yet. Perhaps that is what should have happened, but we have to take things as they come.

I cherish the memory of that night, savor its every detail in my dreams. Sometimes, I feel guilt at the thought that I wouldn't have changed a thing just so I could have the memory of that one night. That I would gladly give up my soul to have it again. That I would spend an eternity in hell to retain the memory of loving her and being loved.

Now it makes me remember the pain in her eyes as she left this evening. The tears, the fear. For that one memory, I suffered little. My soul was put back into the ether where it belonged, the demon in my body left to exact its torture on those I left behind. She was left to deal with the consequences of our actions, not I, even though I live with them now. She was the one that saw her lover become her most hated enemy, all the while still loving him, and loathing herself for it. She was the one that had to drive the sword through my gut and send to me to hell after I was returned. She was the one that had to live with that knowledge. I would gladly have stayed there if it could take away all of that pain.

I have caused her so much pain.

Ultimately, that curse has wielded upon me the worst of all suffering, the most painful torture I could have ever imagined. I was given her love, and I love her deeply in return. Yet, I am doomed to live without it.

I am also doomed to remember the pain she has suffered because of me.

That is my true curse.

Yes, I know that she loves me, and that I love her, and no one can take that from me. But I also know that we can never be together, not like we were.

We can't go on dates, and go for walks, and be a couple. We can't sit at night by a fire and laugh about something silly that Willow said, or something stupid that Xander did. We can't because all it can lead to is pain.

Me, I am fine with whatever relationship I can have with Buffy. But, I know that I can't be what she wants, needs, even. She is young, and alive, and has her whole life ahead, however long it ends up being. She deserves someone who can love her in every sense, and be with her.

Someone who can see the sunlight on her face, without burning to ashes.

Someone to take her to dinner who can eat real food because he needs it to survive, not just for something to do.

Someone who will grow old and die with her.

Someone to give her children someday, should she live so long.

Someone who can make love to her and make her feel like the most special woman in the world.

All the things that *I* want to do, yet cannot.

It's funny that she worries about me, and not wanting to get me 'worked up' as she puts it. I worry about her. She deserves better than this, better than me. I have known this from the beginning, yet I was still there at every turn. At first I was content to help her, be the mysterious guy who popped in every now and then to come to her aid. I loved her even then, but I had no hope that anyone would ever love someone like me, especially a slayer.

Buffy, however, was so different than I expected. She made me feel as if I could almost be a person again. As we grew closer, every fiber of my being screamed the danger to me, as each day passed, yet I was too reluctant to let go of the wonderful feeling that someone loved me again.

We could go on like this forever. Pretending to be a couple, Buffy there by my side, giving me her unconditional love. I know in my heart that I can't let it. In trapping Faith, we were reminded of what can happen when we get too close. When we love each other too much. Deep down, she knows it too. She asked for a break because she knows the truth, but doesn't have the strength to admit what we have to do. She doesn't want to let go. I know that if I don't do something, we will both be unhappy. If I stay here, if I see her every day, she will never let go. While I was gone, she started to live again, to see other people, to try and be happy. As much as it hurts to think about, I know that is what needs to happen.

If I stay, it never will. I know what must be done, but I can't bring myself to do it just yet. Perhaps the knowledge that someday I will have to do it is enough for now. It's an important step, one I never reached before.

When the time is right, I will have to leave.

There is so much I can do elsewhere, if I can only bring myself to leave her side. Now that I have found myself through her, I will need to re-invent myself without her. That is the only way that this can become something positive. That all we have been through can come to mean something.

People talk about God in this world as some figure who is all-knowing and all-loving, who has a destiny for every person and creature on the earth. This is an idea I have trouble accepting, considering my circumstances, but lately I have tried to keep an open mind about the idea. Could this all be some pre-ordained test to see if I have what it takes to become the person I could have been? Am I destined to be some great warrior in the battle between good and evil? Great warrior, I have my doubts about. A little person who helps even up the odds, perhaps.

Perhaps Buffy came into my life to make me realize the gift that I was given, despite the curse attached.

Perhaps the curse is what will drive me, make me not be complacent, make me work hard to pay my debt to humanity for the many wrongs I have committed against it.

Perhaps I am destined to do it alone, leaving Buffy to fulfill her own destiny, without me to hinder her.

Perhaps we were two strangers that passed in the proverbial night, stopping only briefly to encourage one another, share in one another, and love one another, giving us both the strength to continue on in our seperate journeys alone, always with the memory of each other to hold dear.

Hopefully, she can find happiness with another, someone who can give her everything that I can't.

I meant what I said to her, she will *always* be my girl. There will be no other.

God knows I will suffer for the rest of eternity without her.

Surely that must earn me something in his eyes.

The fire howls with laughter as it continues its macabre dance.

I hate to think about what that means.

The end


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