Yoda the Vampire Slayer: Part 2
by The Slain Knight
The Little Guy Kicks Back
(The gang and the hooded dwarf arrive at Angel’s. All his stuff is gone, bar the furniture. They all take a seat except for Giles and the hooded figure)
Giles: Well if one thing can be said in Angel’s favor, he doesn’t mess around...
(Xander hug’s Buff while still holding on to Cordy)
Xander: Don’t worry Buff, you’ll find someone as annoyingly broody..
(Cordy crushes his ribs a little)
Xander: I meant as good.. really...
Buffy: It doesn’t matter.. Ok little guy, spill it....
Hooded figure (taking his hood off): Judge me by my size you should not! bugs the hell out of me it does yes?
(The Gang stare in shock, seeing a little green man with big ears in front of them. Buffy reacts first)
Buffy: Giles, I thought you said Leprechauns weren’t real,
Giles: As I recall I said that they didn’t exist to the best of my knowledge. Guess I was wrong-
Un-hooded figure: Look Irish to your eyes do I dumbass hmm?
Oz: Well, you got the skin for it.
Un-hooded figure: No! No! Drunk Irish dwarf I am not! I am-
Willow: ....Yoda.... Oh my god......
Un-Hooded figure (Identified as Yoda, The Jedi Master): Yes... My name you know... Sad this is... and unfortunate....
Cordy: WHAT?!
(Xander storms off)
Buffy: Uh Xander where are you going?
Xander: I’m calling the cops! Someone’s spiked the Pepsi at the Bronze with LSD because right now I’m seeing the little green guy from star wars!
Yoda (Hit’s Xander in the knee with his gimmer stick): hmmph! call me little you shall not! no hallucination am I! Jedi master yes?
Willow: But... but... your dead... and... and... your only a Muppet... and.. and... And why is it unfortunate that I knew your name?!
Yoda (chuckles): hehehe.. death only trick I played on Luke! Loooooook!
(Yoda changes from normal to a ghost and back several times)
Yoda: Now I am ghost, now I am not. Now I am ghost, now I am not... Fun trick yeess? hehehe.. now I am ghost now-
(Buffy smacks him upside the head)
Yoda: awwww... no fun are you!
Willow: But Star Wars was only a movie....
Yoda: Movie? no... camera droid footage you saw... Lucas sneaky bastard! screwed Yoda out of money he did yes! said I was a Muppet with Frank Oz’s hand stuck up my ass he did! annoyed am I... but not angary... no that is the dark side... hmmm.. calm now.......
Willow: But why is it so bad I knew your name?
Yoda: hehe! sounded cliche yes?
(Gang rolls there eyes)
Giles: Bloody hell this takes me back... I can remember cueing up to see star wars as if it was yesterday....
Buffy: Uh, Giles, that was yesterday, remember... You and Will didn’t want to die without seeing Episode One..
Giles: Oh. Right.
Xander: Ok. I still don’t know why I’m seeing the green guy from Star Wars. Note that fact that I didn’t say little, so don’t hit me with your stick.
(Cordy pulls him down beside her)
Cordy: I will unless you calm down from that sugar high! maybe someone did spike your drink with something...
Xander: I’m sorry, It’s just that my parents spent a lot of money on therapy to convince me that star wars wasn’t real. The little furry guys gave me nightmares.
Oz: Glad it wasn’t just me....
(Everyone goes silent. Yoda sigh’s)
Yoda: The help of the Slayer do I need. Through Star Trek “weird thing of the week” my ship did fall...
Pissed off I became! kicking ass while playing Pod Racer on my N64 I was!
Now stuck here from galaxy far, far away I am....
Home. Yoda must phone home...
Oz: I thought that was ET’s line...
Yoda: Stole it I have! Funny yes?
Buffy: Ok, so why do you need my help?
Yoda: Bigass transmitter do I need, one that can go through hyperspace. Only one on this planet....
Willow: Area 51?
Yoda: No.... Area 42...
Giles: AREA 42?
Yoda: Yes.. ultra secret place this is... Buck-biggidy-wild on an badguy did I have to go to find this out....yes...wasted his skank ass I did....
Buffy: Ok, so where is area 42?
Yoda: In warehouse... taken over by vampires it has been... go alone I would but heard Slayer had nice ass- I mean kicked ass... yes.. (waves hand) I meant kicked ass...
All but Buffy: You meant kick ass.......
(Buffy smirks, Yoda knows she didn’t buy it...)
Yoda: hmm... yes... kicks ass...
Giles: Well, it would make sense plonking a military installation in the middle of Sunnydale. If no one notices the Vampires that are around, it’s not bloody likely there going to notice aliens about...
Buffy: Ok teeeny Jedi, when do we go *kick ass*?
Yoda: < Freudian slip I made > hmm... day after tomorrow. First. Train you in the way’s of the Jedi I must! More ass shall you kick!
Buffy: Does that mean I get one of those cool sword thingi’s?-
Cordy: There called lightsabres....
(Everyone turns there head towards Cordy)
Cordy: Hey, I read the article in Cosmo on how to impress a cute guy who’s into star wars ok! Not like I dressed up like Princess Leia when I was five! Do I look like I would do that! NO! Stop giving me the third degree!
(They still stare)
Cordy: Oh hey look at the time! I got work tomorrow, I gotta go, cya
(She gets off the couch, bends down to kiss Xander, and walks out)
Willow: Bye
Giles: It’s getting late. (to Buffy) Feel like a quick patrol before nodding off?
Buffy: How ’bout you just drop me off home? I think we pretty much toasted most of the Vampire population today... yesterday... hatever...
Giles: Good point. Night all.
Buffy: Later...
(the gang give a collective “later”. The two go to Giles car, if you can call it that...)
Xander: Was that a stress related kiss or do I have a knock-out girlfriend again?
Willow : Could’ve been stress. She knows we have pictures....
Xander: First Grade Halloween?
Willow: Yup....
Xander: I am right though, I do have a knock-out girlfriend again?
Oz: That depends on your definition of knock out... (Willow punches him in the arm)
Yoda: hmm.. smooth with words you are wolfboy...
Oz: Wolfboy... How did you know...
Yoda: Sense many things a Jedi can. Also smell like that walking carpet co-pilot you do!
Oz: Hey, everyone wishes they were a Wookie man so I guess that’s a compliment.
Yoda: ah... good with words you are yes?... train you in the way’s of the force I will...
Xander: What? Here?
Yoda: Noooo.... Bronze... at the Bronze you will learn....
Willow: Why?
Yoda: hmmm... for almost 900 years have I trained Jedi in the way of the pool que... teach you I will...
Xander: Hey, I’m up for pool! Your going down big guy!
Yoda: oooh! catch on fast you did! mock my size you did not! go easy on you I will!
If you are not afraid... you will be....you will be.....
(Xander and Yoda argue about who’s going down as they all walk back to the Bronze)
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