Bitca: Part 5
by Theodore J Miller
Buffy looked at Xander and Cordelia, worried. Cordelia said, "Do you know what Xander just said? He said, no, I can NOT repeat it, it's too awful. Xander, you tell them. Just tell them what you said."

"I said that Giles, he's been turned into an owl, so now he's a ...," Xander paused for effect. "A tweedy bird."

Buffy took a second to comprehend this, then she expressed her opinion by laying down and putting both front paws over her ears.

"Sheesh, everyone's a critic. I bet Willow would have liked it." He walked over to the box where the mouse was. "Hey, Will, how are you doing? It's too bad you missed that last class; I didn't understand a word the teacher said, so you'd probably have thought it was fascinating. I really needed you to explain it to me, and I, I missed having you there, and, and I, ..." He stopped, then continued in a different tone. "You know, I REALLY want to get my hands on whoever did this to her."

"That can wait till later," Cordelia said. "Right now, I need my dog. He's got a fitting at his tailor."

"Huh? Wait, a tailor's appointment? For a dog?" Xander said incredulously.

"What's wrong with that? We got him a new outfit at the doggy clothing place, and they were doing the alterations, so now we've gotta check that it fits all right."

"ALTERATIONS?"

"Do you REALLY expect him to wear an outfit right off the rack?"

"Oh, of course not," Xander replied. "How could I have been so foolish?"

Cordelia picked up Napoleon, and started out, but Buffy grabbed her sleeve. "Okay, what now?" Cordelia asked.

Buffy spelled out "SHOPPING", and looked blissful.

"You want me to take you shopping for doggy clothes?" Cordelia asked. Buffy nodded. "Hmm, definite shopping challenge there," Cordelia mused. "Larger size, and we'd need to match your golden-y coloring."

"I'm sure a black belt in shopping like you can handle it," Xander commented.

"Of course I can," Cordelia replied. "I'll show you. Buffy, come on; let's go make you fashionable."

"Wait a minute," Angel interrupted. "You can't just go out; when Ms. Calendar gets back here..."

"I know EXACTLY how long it takes to get from here to LA and back," Cordelia said, "despite getting to do it WAY too infrequently. We've got a couple of hours yet; it'll be rushed having to shop that fast, but we'll do it and be back here in time. You and Xander stay here, watch Willow and Giles, look up some books or something; when we get back all of you can take Buffy and that magic herb-y thing and go out looking for evil witches or whatever it was."

"Circe," Angel said. "She was..."

"I know, I know, in 2001: A Space Odyssey . But in the meantime, there's shopping to be done." Cordelia started out again, and Buffy followed her jauntily, until Xander interrupted.

"I hate to derail this important expedition, but you can't take Buffy out like that," Xander said. "You know, dog with no leash or collar, gets picked up and sent to the dog pound, that whole bit."

Buffy looked frustrated, but Cordelia said "I think we can handle that." She opened her pocketbook, pulled out a leash and dog collar, and fastened it onto Buffy.

"I may hate asking this," Xander said, "but why do you carry a dog collar, and a leash, in your PURSE? But don't tell me if you think I really do NOT want to hear the answer."

"Oh, it was for Napoleon, an extra one, but the collar was too big for him," Cordelia said. "What did you think it was for?"

"I thought that you wanted to, I mean, that you were planning to, that it was for you and, well, someone, to, um, to, oh, never mind," Xander said. "Just a crazy thought." Looking to change the subject, Xander added, "Say, we are going to try to find this Circe, and get Buffy and everyone changed back tonight, right? Why go shopping for dog clothes that she might not even get to wear?"

Cordelia and Buffy both looked at Xander. "It's SHOPPING," Cordelia said. "Sheesh, don't men understand ANYTHING?" And she and Buffy walked out.

"I don't think I'll ever understand WOMEN, anyway," Xander said. He turned to Angel. "You're what, two-hundred something years old. Do you understand women?"

"Well," Angel began, "the thing is, for most of that time, the only women I had any long-term experience with were vampires. It's hard to generalize when the only women I really know about are malevolent psychopaths."

"Boy, have I been THERE," Xander commented.

"Huh?" Angel said. "Right, there was the praying mantis, was it, and the mummy?"

"Oh yeah, them too," Xander said. "Well, never mind that. So, Angel my man, since we're stuck here watching Willow and Giles, want to do some research? Find some great clue that no one else has?"

"Why don't YOU stay here and do the library research?" Angel said. "I'll go check my own sources again."

"Hey, wait..." Xander began, but Angel was gone again. "Okay, I'll show them I can be smart, too. Now, where would I find a book?"

Eventually, Xander managed to locate a few relevant volumes, and began struggling through them. "Okay, here's some stuff like Ms. Calendar found on line. Circe, daughter of yada yada, lived on the island of, um, well, however you pronounce A-e-a-e-a, and... Wait a minute, haven't I heard that somewhere else? Sheesh, that's it. SHE'S Circe!"

And Xander didn't notice the library door begin to open.

Xander turned as he heard a voice from the door. "Are you still hanging around in here? I've got to clean this place." Xander turned; it was the school's maintenance man. "Come on," the maintenance man continued. "I'm extremely busy. I was SUPPOSED to have someone else doing the cleaning, so I could concentrate on repairing everything you kids do. What's with you, anyway? Holes in the basement floor, messing up the pipes, and I don't know what you keep banging into the walls. Not to mention the stains."

Xander picked up one thing from this whole speech. "Wait a sec," he said, "that someone who's supposed to be cleaning. You mean that Mrs. Ee-ee, Ay-ee, whatever, right?"

"Of course that's who I mean. Mrs. Aeaea. And she just up and quit this afternoon. Turned in her scrubbing gloves and left."

"No! She's got to, I mean, Buffy, Giles, WILLOW, they're still... Look, this is very important, do you know where she is now?"

"How should I know where she is? Look, kid, are you leaving so I can clean in here, or do I have to come back later?"

Xander ignored this. "Okay, there's gotta be some way to find her, track her down before she leaves town and goes back to Greece or wherever." He looked at the maintenance man. "You wouldn't happen to have a pack of bloodhounds on you, would you?" The maintenance man just stared at Xander. "Wait, we DO have, sheesh, now THAT would be ironic. Okay, I'm leaving," Xander said to the maintenance man, "IF you can tell me one thing. Where are those scrubbing gloves you said that Mrs. whatever turned in?"

"The utility closet. But why..."

"Never mind why, I gotta run." Xander transferred the mouse to his shirt pocket, grabbed the cage with the owl, and dashed out of the library.

At Sunnydale's center of canine haute couture, a store called Phydeaux, Buffy was trying on an outfit; several other rejected ones lay scattered about. A salesman was watching bemusedly; he was used to pet owners treating their dogs as if they were children, but letting the dog parade before a mirror in different outfits, and asking whether the dog liked them, was a bit unusual even for them.

"Looks like a definite match here," Cordelia said to Buffy. "Goes with your coloring, fur, whatever, plus it makes you look thinner. What do you think?"

*She's got a point," Buffy thought. "While I'm still no, um, greyhound, this outfit does make me look nice and sleek and all. Not much of a figure, but I guess I'm stuck with that; dogs have quantity, not size, up on top, er, up front. If I saw a real golden retriever in this outfit, I'd think it was really cute, and not silly-looking, like some of the other clothes were. Not to mention the one that made me look like I was due to have puppies. If I'm gonna be a dog, at least I can try to look good.* Buffy looked over at Cordelia's little dog Napoleon, who was now wearing HIS new outfit, apparently designed to match his name; a definite military flavor, with lots of gold braid. *So, how about it, Napoleon? Am I a real hottie like this?* Napoleon ignored Buffy; he was more interested in licking himself.

*Fine, forget you. There's a German shepherd out there who thought I was, um, sniff-worthy, even when I was naked. And now I've got a nice outfit on. I'll bet I could go to LA and get dates with celebrity dogs who do movies and TV shows. Who needs Angel; my first time can be with some brooding Doberman named Thor who does cop shows. Heck, why not go to Washington, seduce the President's new dog Buddy, and create a big political scandal? No, forget THAT; I am NOT going to be in a couple named Buffy and Buddy.*

Buffy paused. *O-kay, I think that's enough of that. I am starting to get seriously WEIRD. Makes a change from being panicky or depressed by this, but still." She looked in the mirror again. "Though what the hey, I do look cute in this one, and I get to NOT be naked." Buffy nodded to Cordelia.

"Okay," Cordelia said to the salesman, "we'll take this one." She handed a credit card to the salesman, who left to ring up the sale. Cordelia turned to Buffy. "I'll put this on my Dad's card, but I AM doing you a favor." Buffy gestured, running a paw along Cordelia's cheek. "What? Oh that," Cordelia said. "Okay, fine, you did save me from an invisible nut-case who wanted to slash up my face," Buffy gestured again, "yeah, and from all the other loonies and vampires and demons and whatevers. I'm just pointing out that it's not one-sided, okay?"

Buffy nodded in an amused way. Just then there was a minor commotion from the front of the store, as Xander arrived, swinging the cage containing the owl. He saw Cordelia, and came in back. "Good, you're here," he said; "Buffy's still with you, isn't she?" Then he saw the golden retriever. "Right, there you are. Cute outfit, by the way."

"Ms. Calendar isn't back yet, is she?" Cordelia asked. "What did she do, FLY to LA?"

*Already?* Buffy thought. *I hoped I could get Cordelia to spring for another outfit; you need to have a choice when getting dressed. And there's that dog-grooming place next door; at least I could be a nicely shampooed and styled golden retriever.*

"No, she's not back," Xander said, "but we can't wait for her. I figured out who Circe is, but she's flying the coop. We've got to find her now." Buffy barked. "Hey, I CAN figure things out. Circe had an island, and it was called, well, I still can't pronounce it, but it's spelled A-e-a-e-a, and that's the name of the cleaning woman at the school. And she was around just before Giles and Willow got changed."

"Oh yeah," Cordelia said, "we saw her just before we, well, what did you say about her flying the coop?"

"She quit her job at the school. I guess she was just there long enough to get Buffy and Giles out of the way."

*Wait, I didn't change AT the school; I was home in bed,* Buffy thought. She started to indicate this, then had another thought. *Unless... yes, it DID take a while for me to change; I was having dog stuff even before I went to bed. My nose was more sensitive; I really smelled that vampire. And I think I did that circling and flattening the grass thing before I got in bed. So Circe COULD have used something on me at school, but I didn't fully change until hours later. Because I'm the Slayer, and it's harder for it to affect me? Well, whatever.* She just nodded yes to Xander.

"I figured out how to find her," Xander continued. "So yes, I have come up with TWO ideas." He pulled out a pair of gloves. "These are Mrs. Ee-ay, Ee-ay-ee, um, Circe's scrubbing gloves that she used while she was an undercover cleaning woman. Buffy can smell inside them, and make like a bloodhound to track Circe down."

"And when we find her?" Cordelia asked. "We'll be buying OUR clothes in here, as well."

"No, we lay low and watch her, the place, wherever, and call Ms. Calendar to come there with that moly stuff. THEN we go in, when we're protected from weird magical transformations, we force her to change everybody back, and there's a big parade in honor of how I saved the day."

"A big parade?" Cordelia asked incredulously.

"Okay, fine, a LITTLE parade, you and Buffy march around a bit and do cheerleader things. Hey, I did figure out all this key stuff, didn't I?" Buffy nudged him and pointed to the door. "Right, let's get going," Xander agreed.

Cordelia picked up Napoleon and got her credit card, while Xander held Buffy's leash. The three left the store, and Xander held out one of the gloves for Buffy to sniff. *Oh, this is REAL good,* Buffy thought. *Maybe THIS is what my career evaluation meant by law-enforcement; a job as a bloodhound. Free room and board in the kennel, and you get to look for fugitives in swamps and other yucky places. Oh, and there's room for advancement; I can work my way up to drug-sniffing dog." Buffy headed back in the direction of the school, sniffing the ground for a matching scent.

"Hey, does anyone know if Ms. Calendar has a cell phone?" Xander asked. "I mean, she SHOULD have a cell phone, she's a techno-pagan; they probably PRAY by cell phone. But if she does have one, we could call her now and fill her in, then when we know where to go we can arrange a rendezvous instead of waiting till she's back at the library."

Cordelia took an address book out of her pocketbook. "Jenny Calendar, cell phone number, here it is."

"You've got her phone number in your book?" Xander asked.

"Guys," Cordelia said disparagingly. "No wonder they say they'll call and never do; they don't understand how the telephone is the lifeblood of society. Xander, any phone number I might possibly want to call is in here, cross-checked and up-to-date. With comments on fashion sense, who's in and who's out, etc."

Buffy nudged Cordelia's book, then pointed to herself. "Oh, what did I write about you?" Cordelia said. "Well, I DID take out the bit about homicidal psycho."

Buffy shook her head, and returned to searching for the scent. Cordelia added "Oh, when I said that guys say they'll call and never do, I wasn't speaking about calling ME, of course. No way a guy wouldn't call me when he said he would."

"Of course not," Xander said. "Though WHAT he calls you..."

"Hey!"

Buffy ignored this, and eventually she located a scent matching that from the gloves, and began following it. After a while, though, she caught another scent crossing the path. *Hey, what's this?* Something in her head gave her a mental picture: a rabbit. *Oooh, a bunny rabbit. I'll go follow his trail, and find where he is, and once I find him I can bark at him a lot, and that'll be really fun, and...* She caught herself. *NO! That's it! I am NOT really a dog, and I am NOT doing anything else just because this dog body wants to. I'm still me, and I'LL decide what I do. And right now, what I'LL decide to do is scratch myself, because I think I've just picked up some ... OW! ... fleas!* After a brisk scratch, Buffy returned to following the original trail.

The trail led to one of Sunnydale's typical abandoned industrial buildings. Xander handed Cordelia the cage containing Giles the owl, and said "Wait here, while we check out the building. If she's in there, I'll signal you, and you can call Ms. Calendar so she'll know where to find us." Buffy looked at Xander; he said "What would you do alone, jump up to a window? I can peek in and check the place out quicker."

Buffy nodded, then pointed to her pocketbook, which Cordelia was carrying. "Of course," Cordelia said; "you want to keep your stuff with you. And your anti-vampire whatevers. Xander, here, bring Buffy's pocketbook along."

"Wait, do I really have to carry..." Xander began, but Buffy and Cordelia both insisted. "All right," Xander said resignedly as he took the pocketbook and held it gingerly. "Let's go."

Xander and Buffy crept up to the building, and Xander starting looking in the windows. In one he spotted the former Mrs. Aeaea, along with someone else he recognized. He ducked down, and waved a signal to Cordelia, who pulled out her cell phone to call Ms. Calendar.

Buffy looked at Xander. "Yep, she's in there," Xander said. "And guess who she's hanging around with. Sheila." Buffy gave a startled yip. "That's right," Xander said, "Used to go to school with us, pissed off Snyder a lot, now drinks the blood of the living, that Sheila."

*Oh, more good news," Buffy thought. *Ms. Can't-stay-in-ancient-Greece-but-has-to-come-here-and-screw-up-my-life-in-a-really-weird-way Circe is working with the vampires. Or working FOR them. Or she's leading them. Or something. They're together, anyway. Okay, plan. Wait till Ms. Calendar gets here with the moly stuff, and it's getting dark now, so Angel can come here too. We go after Circe when there's as few vampires with her as possible, we make Circe change me and everybody else back, then we've got me and Giles and Angel there, so we can do some serious slayage before we leave. Then I get to kiss Angel without it being more than the NORMAL Slayer/vampire weirdness, I get to wear REAL clothes, talk to people, eat with a knife and fork, not have to smell every disgusting thing within two hundred yards, ..."

Buffy's thoughts were interrupted by Xander. "Um, Buffy? You still in there?" he whispered. "We should really stop hanging here." Buffy nodded, and she and Xander began sneaking away from the building. Then they stopped, as they heard a growling sound. "Uh oh," Xander said, "um, nice kitties?" as a cougar and a jaguar approached him and Buffy.

Buffy growled at the two big cats. *I HATE cats,* she thought. *Oh, not again. Okay, I do NOT really hate cats; DOGS hate cats. Come on, Buffy, chill. These must be two of Circe's other, um, projects. Well, duh, of course they are; like REAL wild animals just go wandering through the streets of Sunnydale. I bet I could take either one, or get away from them; I'm not just a dog, I'm a SLAYER dog. But I've got to keep Xander safe, too. So, Xander, I hope you like carnival rides.*

Xander was nervously watching the two big cats, when Buffy fastened her jaws tightly on his belt, and lifted him off the ground. "Hey, what..." As Buffy crouched to spring over the two big cats, Xander realized what she was doing. "I really am NOT going to like this," Xander said worriedly, "but considering the alternative..."

But before Buffy could leap and then run to safety with Xander, a voice called from the door of the industrial building. "Come to me, my creatures, and bring the intruders. Circe commands it!" Buffy stood and, dragging Xander along, walked toward the building, the cougar and jaguar following.

"Um, Buffy, wrong direction. VERY wrong direction. Buffy, Buffster, Earth to Buffy, are you there?" But Buffy ignored Xander's comments, and pulled him through the doorway into the building.

Xander continued trying to get Buffy's attention, until the woman inside, who Xander recognized as having been Mrs. Aeaea, interrupted him. "Cease your prattling, child. I am Circe, and this one is MY creature now. When Circe commands, her creatures obey. Release him but watch him, my creatures."

Buffy let go of Xander, and she stood obediently with the cougar and jaguar around Xander. Xander muttered, "Uh boy."


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