The Watcher: 1.5 That Old Familiar Feeling: Act II
by gumboy
ACT II

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - MOMENT'S LATER

XANDER
(panicking)
Who are you? Where am I?

LIV
Calm down, Mr. Harris!

XANDER
Who's Mr. Harris?!!

Lucy is digging through the bag and pulls out another negation
spell pencil

LUCY
Is this what we need?

LIV
Yes.
(Takes pencil and gives it to Xander)
Break this.

XANDER
(Wary)
Why?

LIV
Just do it.

XANDER
Why am I taking orders from a little girl?

LIV
Just do it!!

Xander, startled by Liv's vehemence breaks the pencil and the
mist comes over him, breaking the spell. Xander sighs in relief

XANDER
Okay. Good. Thanks. Can I have another one
to get rid of the syphilis?

Liv and Lucy take a step back at the statement.

XANDER
It's a spell. Really. From the Chumash
Indians. Can I have another one?

LUCY
Um.. That's was the last one.

LIV
We used most of them yesterday when that
puzzle box came to life and...

XANDER
Okay, okay. What about the pack of spells
you have at home?

LIV
(Guilty)
The pack we have at home...? Uh...

XANDER
What?

LIV
I just thought they were pencils so I took
them to the PSAT.

XANDER
You're fifteen years old and you're taking
the PSAT's?

LIV
I... I have test anxiety so I took it early
to prepare myself.

XANDER
Well, how many pencils do you have left?

LIV
Um... Zero.

XANDER
You went through all the pencils at the
PSAT?

LIV
I have test anxiety!!

XANDER
Okay, okay. This is not a problem. We just
need to identify what item here is causing
the spells to regnerate.

Xander looks around the room at all the Vizier's junk. He
immediately become disheartened.

XANDER
Okay. Maya!
(to Liv)
Go up to the training room and spar with
Brad. There's going to be some strange stuff
going on and you need to keep him busy while
we catalog everything.

LIV
Shouldn't I help?

XANDER
Your priority is to train. This is my
problem and I'll deal with it.

LIV
But...

XANDER
Go train. I'll be okay.

Liv heads upstairs.

LUCY
Wouldn't it just be easier if we just take
some hammers and smash everything in sight?

XANDER
Who knows what that's going to set off. I'll
stick to this problem before starting any
others.
(Calling)
Maya! We need your help down here!
(To Lucy)
As much as I regret saying this, go put your
pants back on and we'll finish cataloging
creepy tings.

LUCY
Okay, but for the record, I really don't
like sweaty sick men.

XANDER
Duly noted.

Lucy heads upstairs as Xander looks around the room

XANDER
This is going to suck.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM -- LATER

Maya and Lucy continue to catalog items. Xander looks like he's
been put through the wringer, but he continues to push through.
Liv comes downstairs, towling off from her training session

LIV
How's it going?

XANDER
We've found many, many creepy things, but
nothing that's causing my problem.

MAYA
We did get a rousing broadway tune regarding
the joys and tribulations of having syphilis
and other sexually transmitted diseases.

LUCY
I'd call it more of a book number than a
breakway pop hit. Still it was both
entertaining and educational.

XANDER
Everybody's a critic. I bet you didn't even
know that there was a word that rhymed with
syphilis.

LIV
I don't understand.

LUCY
Apparently Mr. Harris had a spell cast on
him that makes him occasionally break out
into song and dance.

LIV
That's so cool!

XANDER
Except that if I sing and dance too much
I'll burst into flames and die.

LIV
Ah. There's the rub. Always gotta have a
downside to it.

Xander's body goes the whole "Glowy" thing again.

MAYA
(groaning)
Now what?

LUCY
Jeez 'O Pete, Sparky! How many times have
you been... spelled at?

XANDER
(weak)
I lost count after a while

Xander is visibly weaker as he tries to push himself out of the
chair, loses his balance and quickly collapses back into it.

LIV
Did you have a spell cast on you that makes
you lose your equilibirium?

XANDER
No, I think that's just the multitude of
diseases I have at the moment.

Xander spots a bug on the chair and instinctively grabs it and
eats it.

LIV
Eww!

MAYA
Oh... forgot to tell you, he also eats bugs
now.

LIV
Why?

XANDER
Long story.

LUCY
He was once a minion of Dracula.

XANDER
That's the short version.

LIV
Ahh.. I get it. You're Renfield.

XANDER
(Laughs)
Yep. That's me. "What EEZ IT, man?!!"

Liv shakes her head.

LIV
Renfield. From Bram Stoker's Dracula. Not
Ren from Ren and Stimpy.

XANDER
(feeling stupid)
Oh.

LUCY
(whispering)
Don't feel bad. I was thinking the same
thing.

Brad comes downstairs and is packed to go.

BRAD
Well everyone, I'm out of here.

XANDER
Thanks for coming in Brad.

BRAD
Hope you feel better Mr. H! Bye Maya.

MAYA
(rolling her eyes)
Brad.

LIV
Bye Brad.

Brad, as usual, ignores her. He opens the door to leave and
three Ypoog demons burst into the room, knocking Brad to the
floor. Maya and Lucy dive for and close the door shut.

XANDER
Ypoog demons! Go for the head!

Xander grabs a nearby sword and charges one of the demons, and
has his ass handed to him with one punch and falls to the
ground.

Liv grabs an axe, dispatches the first demon (with the
requisite explosion of goo), blocks two punches and a kick from
the second demon and dispatches him with another shot to the
head with the axe. The third demon gets two punches and a kick
in on Liv, disorienting her. Xander tackles the demon from
behind and slams the demon into the ground. Liv recovers and
smashes the blunt handle of the axe into the final demon's
head.

Brad is plastered against the wall with his eyes bugging out.

BRAD
What the hell was that?!

MAYA
(pulling herself off the floor)
Ypoog demons. What? You never saw a demon
before?

BRAD
I'm out of here!!

XANDER
Stop him!

In a flash, Liv beats Brad to the door and throws him up
against the wall.

BRAD
(screaming)
Get away from me, freak!!

Liv winces at the insult. Xander looks outside the front
window and shakes his head.

XANDER
Brad. Calm down.

BRAD
(screaming)
Let me out of here!!

XANDER
Look out the front window Brad.

Brad calms down and Liv lets him go. Brad goes to the front
window and looks out.

EXT. XANDER'S FRONT YARD - BRAD'S POV

Demons are gathering in the front of Xander's yard and starting
to cause destruction to neighboring businesses.

BRAD(OS)
Holy crap.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM.
Everyone is looking at the front window now.

LUCY
What is it?

XANDER
Demon magnet spell. They're all attracted to
me. The glamour spell must be keeping them
at bay.

MAYA
Demon magnet spell? Who did that to you?

XANDER
Willow.

LIV
What did you do to Ms. Rosenberg to deserve
that?!

XANDER
(sighs)
Long story.

LIV
Is there a short version?

XANDER
Uh... No. Okay everyone! Plan B.

MAYA
What's plan B?

XANDER
Grab a blunt object and smash everything in
sight.

LUCY
Didn't I have that idea about three hours
ago?

XANDER
Can we avoid the whole "I told you so"
argument if I admit I was completely wrong?

LUCY
Do you?

XANDER
I do.

LUCY
Okay.

Without missing a beat, Lucy starts smashing arcane objects.
Everyone starts breaking objects. Brad stands confused.

BRAD
What are we doing?

MAYA
Brad! No questions! Just break stuff.

Brad grabs a weapon and beats the crap out of an end table.

MAYA
Not the furniture!

MONTAGE:
The gang goes medieval on the collection of objects. Some items
break into tiny pieces. Some items vanish in a puff of smoke.
Some items come alive and attack the group which leads to more
smashing.

Finally it is all done. Xander is weaker than before and can no
longer stand.

LUCY
Is that everything?

LIV
I think so.

Brad is looking out the window.

BRAD
There's still more of those things coming.

XANDER
Okay. Not good. Are we sure we smashed
everything?

MAYA
Oops.

BRAD
Who said oops? Oops, is bad right?

XANDER
What is it Maya?

MAYA
When I came by this morning to get my school
books? And you asked me to pick up your dry
cleaning?

XANDER
Yes?

MAYA
Well you had all these boxes that you packed
up yesterday and since you weren't feeling
well....

XANDER
Oh no.

MAYA
I mailed them.

XANDER
Great. No good deed goes unpunished.

LUCY
Do you know if they went out or if they're
still at the post office?

MAYA
I don't know, I dropped them off on my way
over here.

XANDER
Where's the eight ball?

BRAD
Eight ball? It's over there
(points to a broken eight ball lying on
Maya's puppet)
I smashed it. Was that bad?

Xander stumbles over and picks up the broken parts of the eight
ball.

XANDER
This is not good.

MAYA
Brad! What were you thinking?

BRAD
How was I supposed to know?

XANDER
What am I going to do now?

VOICE(OS)
Reply hazy. Ask again later.

The entire group stops and looks over at...

ANGLE ON:
The puppet.

LIV
(freaked)
Did... Did...

BRAD
(also freaked)
Did that thing just talk?

The puppet gives a "puppet smile" and waves at the group. It's
voice is somewhat cartoonish.

PUPPET
Signs point to yes!

The group stands dumbfounded. Except for Liv who faints and
falls flat on her face.

XANDER
Aw crap.

END ACT II

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