The Thoughts & Truths Series: Part Seven - Life on the Hellmouth
by Ophelia
Cordelia

From the start, I liked her. She was new, and seemed to have potential... at first. Then she started hanging with Xander and Willow, and there was no way I could associate with her. It was a shame, though, because despite everything, I liked her. She was smart and funny, and brave. She wasn’t afraid to be who she was, and she was open and honest. She didn’t have to pretend to be someone she wasn’t, or be careful about what she said, because she didn’t care what people thought of her.

She was everything I wasn’t, and... everything I wanted to be... sometimes.

Most of the time I was happy, but sometimes I’d look at her and think, Why can’t I be like her? Why do I care so much what people think? It’d pass quickly, but still...

When weird things happened, she was there, and she’s saved my life more times than I’d like to admit. I wouldn’t have minded hanging with them for a while, but it would have ruined my reputation. Funny, it was her that taught me that some things were more important than popularity. If I think about it, I guess I owe Xander to her. It was her that gave me the confidence to be with him, no matter what.

I won’t deny I wish sometimes that the kiss never happened, but in the end, I’m glad.

Xander Harris isn’t that bad a person. He’s sweet, and generous, and loyal. Funny. Cheerful. In love with Buffy Summers.

I hate him.

I wish he’d drop dead. I’d wish he turned into a vampire, because I think he’d hate that more than anything, but then I might still have to see him around, so I just want him dead.

He dumped me... for her.

Yeah, I knew what I was getting into when I started dating him. It was so obvious he was stuck on her. And that Willow adored him... But that didn’t matter. I don’t feel guilty for dating him when Willow loved him. She should have gone for it when she had the chance. Besides, she had Oz. I don’t feel guilty. I don’t.

I think... it’s hard to admit it, but I think I was starting to fall in love with Alexander Harris.

Of course I knew how dumb it was; it would put the last nail in the coffin of my social life, and I would have been really dense not to see how much he still wanted her. Every second sentence out of his mouth was about her, or Willow. I’m not stupid; I know I wasn’t his first choice. But I thought maybe we could be happy anyway. I thought I could make him forget her.

How stupid was I?

It’s one of the first rules of movie romance: the guy always goes for the unattainable goddess, not the popular, snotty, desperately in love with him bitch. Who would settle for a normal, plain relationship, when they want true love? Willow will always love Xander first, even if she pretends it’s not true, and makes a life with Oz. Xander will always love Buffy.

And Buffy will always love Angel.

Poor Xander. Even now, after he dumped me for her, I still feel sorry for him. We all know what’s going to happen: Buffy wants Angel, and one way or another, Xander will lose out. Even if Buffy doesn’t end up with Angel, she won’t be with Xander forever. He’s her fall-guy, her rebound romance, the lean-on guy. And when she’s done, she’ll dump him. And though I hate myself for it, I’ll be waiting in the wings to stand by him, and help him recover. How ironic is that?

I wish I could get over him, because ever since I fell in love with him, my life has spiralled downward, but... I still want him so much. I guess we all have to be satisfied with second best. Oz loves Willow, but she’ll always love Xander, no matter how much she tries to hide it. Willow has Oz, amazingly enough madly in love with her, and thinking the sun shines out of her, but she wants Xander, moronic, oblivious, idiotic bastard Xander. Buffy wants Angel, but she’s settling with Xander, and soon she’ll have no one. Except maybe Giles. Xander wants Buffy, but she’s only using him as a springboard, and when she dumps him he’ll have me... if he wants me. I want Xander, who’s in love with Buffy, and probably always will be. Angel will end up alone, which will probably suit him, ‘cause he’s good at the broody loner stuff. And Giles, while I’m on the subject, is still fixed on a dead computer teacher / technopagan / gypsy.

Some love-lives we have. I don’t think any of us will ever get what we really want. We just have to settle for what we can. Which for me means Xander, even if he doesn’t love me.

Life on the Hellmouth, huh? Go figure.


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