The Thoughts & Truths Series: Parth Four - Lost in the Darkness
by Ophelia
Willow

I thought I hated them both when I saw them together that first time. When I walked into the library with Oz and Cordy and Giles, and we were finally getting back to some semblance of normality after Angel... after all that had happened, and we all saw them.

They were coming out of the stacks, and Buffy had been crying; I noticed that first, because it had been ages since I saw her cry. I think she’d been holding it in, trying to be strong for us, and I’d wanted to tell her it wasn’t necessary, that she could lean on us to, but I never got around to it.

And then they came down the stairs, and from the way she was leaning on him, I knew. I knew she’d given up trying to hold herself up, and she needed help to get back on her feet, and he was the one who was going to help her.

Oh, Buffy, she looked so helpless my heart nearly broke, and I didn’t know who it was breaking for. Her, or possibly Xander, because even then I knew she didn’t love him, and never would. She couldn’t.

The tears that rolled down my cheek might have been for Cordelia, who just sagged when she saw them, all the strength whipped out of her in one stroke. She was so brave and strong, but she loved Xander, and he loved Buffy, and she knew then she’d lost the one thing that ever really meant anything to her.

I could just have been crying for us - the group, the Slayerettes. Their togetherness could rip us all apart.

What happened to us? When did we become so dependent on one another; so needy. When did we lose our ability to stand by ourselves? And why didn’t someone realise how much we needed each other, and put a stop to it?

Because it’s so dangerous, getting to that stage where you rely on someone so much, you know you’ll fall apart if you lose them. I was starting to regain my individuality, with help from Oz, but I still knew I’d die if I lost any of them. Maybe not physically, but inside, in my heart? If Buffy or Giles or Xander - or even Cordelia - died, I don’t think we could cope.

And then Buffy and Xander did something that would ruin all our lives, and I think right then I hated them both for that.

Xander thinks I hate him. You don’t spend most of your life observing a person, and not learn how to tell what they’re thinking. He’s changed, a lot, but he’s still my Xander, and I can still read him like a book. He glances at me, while we research, and sees my gaze fixed on her tiny, innocent form, lost in the shielding circle of his arms, and he interprets it as meaning I despise him for taking advantage of her in her weakened emotional state. But really, the hate I felt dissipated in days, replaced by such a great sorrow.

They both know this can only end badly: Buffy knows she can’t ever love him, and that one day she’s going to have to leave him behind, and he knows it too, but they both accept it because to them what’s happening right now is more important than whatever the future holds. And right now she needs him, and he was never able to resist her. She doesn’t mean to use his love for her against him, but it’s the only thing she has left and she clings to it. There’s such a horrible inevitability about it, and it terrifies me.

I don’t want any of them to get hurt.

So the look in my eyes isn’t disgust or anger, or hate. It’s sadness, and pain, and grief. I don’t know how this will end for them... or for us. I know none of us are going to get away from this unscathed, not even Oz. But I think the person I pity most is Buffy.

On the surface, she looks like a mean, cruel, manipulative bitch - she sent her boyfriend to Hell, then broke up Xander and Cordelia so she could have Xander, even though he isn’t the one she really wants. When her boyfriend came back, she ignored him, and avoided him, and crawled further into the protection Xander offered her, hiding from the world. On the surface she deserves to be hated. But you have to look deeper; you have to see how much this all hurts her.

She feels so guilty for so many things. She doesn't want to hurt anybody, but she’s been hurt so much herself and all she can do right now is try to save herself from drowning in grief, and for that she needs Xander.

She wants Angel, though, and he wants her, but neither of them can make the first move and maybe that’s for the best. If they got together again... it could only end in heartbreak.

Soon she’ll be strong enough to stand on her own two feet, and then Xander will lose her. A Slayer is meant to be alone, and I hate to think it, but I’m pretty sure that’s what's going to happen if Buffy has her way. I think she’s planning on leaving again and setting up shop somewhere else. I hope she doesn’t because we need her so much, but if she does I won’t stand in her way. Although we’ll die without her, I have to let her do what she needs to do, because that’s what being a friend is all about. Sacrifice. I’ll miss her, but I know I’ll let her go if it’s what she truly needs.

I can’t help longing for the early days, when we were simply three friends, together against the darkness, and when the darkness had yet to win.

But now we’re lost in the darkness, and I don’t think we’ll ever find our way out.

This story archived at: The Slayer\'s Fanfic Archive
The Slayer\\\\\\\\'s FanFic Archive - http://www.slayerfanfic.com/viewstory.php?sid=947