Save Me: Shouldn't Have To
by I Heart The Nerd Herd
Disclaimer: Spike and Xander, not mine. The lyrics belong to Bono, The Edge, Adam, and Larry and everyone else who could possibly own them who are not those awesome dudes. Please don’t sue me ‘cause I’m flat broke. But I could give you this loverly cupcake... When I write your stuff illegally, it means I love you. ^_^ *shrug* It was worth a try. Lyrics in ****s!

****Ice
Your only rivers run cold****

The water ran over him like a river. It caressed every inch of his skin, cleaning off the stains of the past, cleaning off the caked blood and grime and sins. The water knew where his skin was open and it healed over those scars. The water knew where he had been and it didn’t care, it would clean anything. The water knew every little thing he had done, but the water would take him anyway. The water would treat him as it treated everything else. The water would save him.

****Walk on by, walk on through,
Walk till you run.
And don’t look back.
For here, I am.****

Spike stood there, his wet hair clinging to him, the warm water rushing over him. He wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there or for how much longer he would remain, but he knew he couldn’t come out. He couldn’t come out and have to face the world again. Face all the things he had done. Face all the things he had yet to be forgiven for. Face the people that treated him as if he was no better. As if he could never become better. It was that very thought... The thought that there were people who had already given up on that made him think it wasn’t even worth it. If they thought it, what were the chances it was untrue? What were the chances he could overcome all the obstacles that stood in his way? All the things he did, they couldn’t just be forgiven. It wasn’t just POOF!, they’re gone. It would never be POOF!, they’re gone. That’s just too easy.

Spike clutched the bar of soap in his hand. Why should he even bother? He could scrub until his skin ripped and bled and he would never be clean. He could scrub until his arms bloody fell off and he would be clean. He snarled and threw the soap on the ground, watching the warm water dissolve the soap into a million little bubbles and run down the drain. He watched it disappear and he began to wonder if it would have helped. If it would have made him the slightest bit cleaner.

Spike decided he had to do something. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t kill himself in the Harris bathtub, but he could fill his undead lungs up with that water, sink to the bottom of the tub and stay there, not breathing, forever. He plugged up the drain and watched the water rain down from the shower spout and fill the bottom of the tub. He laid down in the hot water, letting it build up around his ears. He opened his mouth and inhaled the water, nearly choking. He just kept inhaling and inhaling until he had too much in his lungs. He then just lay there, letting the water rush over him. He could hear the water overflowing the tub and slapping against the tiles, but at this point, he just didn’t care. He closed his eyes and he stopped holding on to reality.

He didn’t notice when Xander opened the door and came rushing in. He didn’t notice when Xander pulled him out of the water and wrapped him in a towel. He didn’t notice when Xander laid him in his bed and tucked him under the covers. He didn’t notice when Xander took a seat next to him. He didn’t notice when he curled up next to Xander. He didn’t notice when Xander let him curl up next to him and wrapped a protective arm around him. He didn’t notice when he feel asleep. He didn’t notice when Xander planted a gentle, fatherly kiss on his forehead. He didn’t notice when he began to spoke.

****And if the mountain should crumble,
Or disappear into the sea.
Not a tear, no not I stay in this time.
Stay tonight in a light.
Ever after, this love in time.
And if you save it all, save you love.****

“I can’t do it.”

“Can’t do what?” Xander asked.

“I can’t redeem myself. I can’t do it. I’m not a good man. I’m not a good man. I’m not.”

“You can be. Spike, who are you?”

“I’m a bad man.”

“No, that’s not all you are. You are you.”

“What does that mean?”

“You never gave up. You get what you want when you want it, whatever the cost. What do you want?”

“To be redeemed.”

“And you’ll be redeemed.”

“But no one will save me.”

“I’ll save you.”

“No one loves me.”

“I love you.”

“No one will catch me.”

“I’ll catch you.”

Xander wrapped his arms around Spike again. “Fall asleep,” he instructed. Spike wiggled closer to Xander, burying his face in Xander’s chest, falling into a deep sleep. Xander watched the vampire sleep in silence knowing that this, like every night the vampire stayed at his house, would be the same. He would never remember in the morning. When he started to stir, Xander slid his arms out and slowly crept out, stealing one last glance at the vampire. Spike flopped on his stomach and fell back asleep. Xander closed the door, slowly, carefully and sat down at the counter, picking up his daily newspaper.

****Come on take me away
Come on take me away
Come on take me home****

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