Beyond All Reason: Part Three
by Katherine
Buffy whipped around with a stake in her hand and nearly scared the life out of Willow Rosenburg.

"Buffy! Not a vampire! Don't kill me!" the redhead exclaimed, her voice almost squeaking in surprise and fear.

Slowly, Buffy exhaled as she lowered her arm. "Willow! Oh God, it's you."

"Yes, me! Willow! Of the good, remember?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry... I could have sworn that.... "

"That what? Buffy, what's wrong?" Willow asked as she got over her own brush with death and noticed how wigged Buffy was.

"It's nothing. I'm just insane, that's all."

Willow lead Buffy to the bench and as they sat down, she said, "Buff, come on."

"I thought... just for a moment...that Angel was near me. And that he said my name."

Willow watched as Buffy's lower lip began to tremble, watched as a shivering spread throughout her body from the inside out. Before her eyes, the strongest girl in the world was breaking down.

Acting instinctively, Willow put her arms around Buffy and hugged her. Buffy was stiff for a moment, and then Willow felt her rest her head down on her shoulder. And then the sobbing began.

Buffy was not a dainty crier. Sobs racked her entire body, and the noise she made... Willow knew she'd never forget how awful it sounded. Like the sound was being ripped from her throat painfully. Willow, however, held on to her best friend, even as she felt the material on her shoulder become damp, even after spitting out strands of Buffy's wayward hair.

Willow was patient throughout, silent, until Buffy drew back, drawing the back of her hand beneath her nose in the most unladylike fashion. "I'm sorry..."

Willow offered her a small smile. "I was meaning to wash this shirt tonight, anyway..."

Buffy's laugh was mixed with a cough as she wiped her eyes.

"You... you want to talk about it?"

Buffy sighed, saying, "I'm starting to feel like if I don't talk about it soon, I'm going to go postal. But, first, what are you doing here, Will? I thought you and Oz were gonna watch movies."

"Well... you know how I told you once that I wanted less talk and more smoochies?" the redhead asked after a moment.

Buffy nodded, sifting on the bench to return to her previous position. "So what, you want less smoochies and more talk now?"

Willow's pale complexion reddened. "Um, no."

"Then what is it?"

"I can't seem to get *enough* smoochies."

Buffy blinked in surprise.

"You lusty wench you."

Willow grinned. "I can't help it! But see, the thing is, I don't know if I'm ready to... to... "

"Do the deed?"

"Yeah! I mean, how did you know when the time was right for you and ... Angel... oh God do I know how to say the wrong things!"

Buffy almost laughed at her friend's distress. "It's okay, Willow."

"I didn't mean to bring up his name or anything... I just wanted some advice... "

Buffy arched her eyebrow, saying with a wry voice, "And you came to me for it?"

Willow winced slightly. "So you're a little warped for life on the subject of sex."

Buffy gave her a look.

"The fact remains, however, that you're the type of virgin that's not. And I am."

Curling up tighter and dismissing the slight ache in her abdomen, Buffy sighed and asked, "I'm not the one you should ask about sex, Will. That night he and I shared the single most beautiful experience of my life. Unfortunately, because we made love, his soul was taken from him and a monster with my Angel's memories wore his face and terrorized my family and friends, and killed Ms. Calendar. Besides, nobody can tell you when you'll be ready. You'll know."


* * *
In the darkness, a man dressed in black was leaning against a headstone, his arms folded acrossed his chest. At Buffy's words, an expression of guilt and pain stamped itself onto his features.

Willow's next question made his entire body tense, and if he had breath, he would have held it in wait of her reply.

"Do you still love Angel?"

Buffy didn't hesitate before answering, her voice laced with pain.

"I'll always love Angel."

Standing outside the circle of light surrounding the two girls, the man in question closed his eyes.

"Isn't that kind of hard, though? Still loving him, I mean. After what happened...?"

Buffy sighed. Angel kept his eyes closed while waiting for her response.

"I had to learn to separate them in my mind. My Angel was a beautiful person, inside and out. He treasured life, he looked for the beauty in everyone else, he believed in God. Angelus was a monster who terrified me beyond belief and brought pain and fear to everyone he knew. Compared to him, the Master barely gave me the wiggins. It was hard for me, yes, because Angelus used the body of my Angel, but they are two seperate entities in my mind."

Angel opened his eyes. The maturity of her words astounded him. He knew that she'd done a lot of growing up over the summer, but no teenage girl should ever sound that ... old. And tired. Like she'd seen and done it all and life held no thrill for her any longer.

Willow watched her friend silently, not knowing what to say, not feeling like she had the right to ask what happened the night Buffy killed Angelus.

The expression on her face must have been more telling than she'd thought, because Buffy said, "I killed Angel that night."

Willow nodded. "You, uh, decapitated him and his blood closed Acathla. The spell didn't work or at least, not in time, and you did what you had to."

Buffy knew that while in the hospital, Willow had cast a spell with the help of Oz and Cordelia that was supposed to have given Angel's soul back without it being a curse. Just a gift, with no happiness clauses attached. Willow had instructed Xander to find Buffy and tell her that she was trying to restore Angel's soul, but when Xander saw how determined Buffy was, he decided to keep the knowledge from her and told her that Willow said "Kick his ass."

"The spell worked, Willow," Buffy told her in a voice devoid of emotion.

Willow's jaw dropped open. "What?"

"The spell worked," Buffy repeated. "But Angelus had already opened the mouth of Hell."

Willow stared in wide-eyed horror at her. "Oh my God..."

In a dead voice, Buffy continued, her eyes unfocused as she stared into the night. "I was about to slice his head off when I saw his eyes glow. He gasped in pain and doubled over, and when he looked up, he said my name and I looked into his eyes. My Angel was inside, not Angelus. There I was, a sword in my hands that I was about to use to end his life, and he talked about feeling like he hadn't seen me in months. He was worried over the cut on my arm, Willow, the cut Angelus had given me in the fight. Then he hugged me, and I held onto him. We kissed and told each other that we loved one another. But the vortex behind him was getting wider and wider. He asked me what was going on, and I told him not to worry about it. Then I told him to close his eyes. He did, Will... without a moment's hesitation. He trusted me. He closed his eyes and I kissed him."

"Then what happened?" Willow asked on a whisper.

"I ran him through with my sword, and stood there watching him reach out for me while being sucked into Hell."

Willow realized then that she'd only seen an inkling of Buffy's hell. She was numb with even the thought of how deeply Buffy's pain and despair ran within her.

"You did what you had to, Buffy," Willow told her firmly, not knowing what else to say.

"I know," Buffy replied dully.

Angel watched the two girls sitting in silence on the bench, both lost in thought. Willow's face was a mask of worry and sadness, while Buffy's was expressionless. He watched as the redhaired girl touched the blond's arm lightly, and he saw the smallest of reassuring smiles touch Buffy's mouth. "I'll be okay," she told her friend.

He'd lost track a long time ago of how many times her selflessness had touched him. Here she was, in enough pain to break several strong men, reassuring a worried friend.

"Why don't you head for home, Will? It's getting late."

"You should go home, too, Buffy. You're not patroling, really, you're just sitting on a bench in the middle of a graveyard," Willow told her.

Buffy shook her head. "I don't want to get into it with Mom."

"You should talk to her, Buffy," Willow said quietly.

Buffy was about to protest when the fight went out of her as quickly as it had come. "Maybe you're right."

"I'm right."

"We'll see. But I am kinda tired, anyway. Do you want me to walk you?"

Willow nodded. "Just to the edge of the cemetary. I can get home all right by myself from there."

Angel trailed silently behind the girls as they made their way through the graveyard. At the edge, Buffy hugged Willow and thanked her, and then both went in differing directions.

Buffy was lost in thought as she made her way home, and therefore didn't see or hear the thug that crept up behind her. This particular monster happened to be human, although the degree of humanity he possessed was in dispute.

Angel didn't want to let himself be seen yet, but he had to protect Buffy. But how to do it?

Buffy was startled into action when a man's cry of pain shattered the stillness of the night. She turned just in time to see a grungy looking man go flying forward, falling flat on his face.

"What the hell?"

The man groaned, turning over and rubbing the back of his neck.

"Lady, you must have some guardian angel or something that sure does love you," he muttered, sitting up.

Buffy decided that this man was no danger to her and that he'd be fine. She turned and continued on her way, leaving the stunned mugger sitting on his rump in the middle of the sidewalk.

The thug was thinking he'd gotten off pretty easy when suddenly he was snatched into the air by the throat, his face inches away from the scariest man he'd ever seen in his life. He struggled against the hold, but Angel's grip on the man's throat was tight. Bringing the terrified man's face even closer to his own, he said softly, "Leave town."

Angel let the man go a moment before he woud have passed out, and was satisfied with the speed with which the low-life ran.

Angel caught up to Buffy as she was walking across her lawn. He stood in shadows as she opened the door to her house, and he watched through the picture windows as she entered the dining room where her mother was sorting something he couldn't well enough to define. He saw her say something, her eyes on the floor, and he saw her mother get up and envelop her daughter in a huge hug. They stood that way for a moment, and then the broke apart. Joyce pushed a stray lock of Buffy's hair behind her ear, her hand remaining on her daughter's cheek. Then Buffy turned, and went upstairs. Joyce stood there for a moment, a somewhat stunned expression on her face.

Climbing the tree with ease, Angel settled down on a branch outside Buffy's bedroom window. He watched her get ready for bed, stretching and rubbing her lower back. Instead of getting under the covers, though, she went to her open window and sat.

Buffy searched the starless, overcast night, sighing. ".. 'a guardian angel that sure does love you'..." she repeated softly the thug's words. "If only."

Rubbing her eyes, Buffy made her way to her bed, getting in and settling down into the comforting softness. Vaguely, she wondered if insomnia was going to claim this night, too, but before she could worry too much about it, sleep stole in and calmed her mind. Buffy surrendered gladly to fatigue.

In the tree outside her window, Angel saw the moment Buffy fell asleep, unconsciousness softening the lines of stress on her face.

Angel sat there all night, watching over her as she slept. Now was not the time to let her know of his existence, to explain to her what caused him to walk the Earth after she'd sent him to Hell. He decided to wait until she'd made up with her mother, until she'd made peace with herself.

No, now was not the time. He knew that when he did go to her, they wouldn't be able to pick up where they'd left off. Things would be difficult, he didn't pretend to himself otherwise. But he couldn't imagine an existence without her in it.

Angel swore to himself that he'd protect her to the best of his ability. She wouldn't be alone, ever again, only she just didn't know it at the moment.

A shaft a bright moonlight shone down on Angel through the tree leaves. He glanced up at the sudden light, noticing the dark clouds drifting apart.

More and more pale moonlight covered Sunnydale in a soft blanket, and Angel returned to watching Buffy sleep.

In her dream, Buffy snuggled deeper into her Angel's safe, comforting arms.

*I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight.
If it's wrong to love you
Then my heart just won't let me be right,
Cause I'm drowned in you
And I won't pull through
Without you by my side.*


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