Try and Try Again: Calm after the Storm
by tamzinrose
*Her eyes were closed when I caught her in bed. She seemed much happier then* By the Bed - Phantom Planet

Xander hung up his mobile and shook his head slowly, shocked into numbness. He blinked rapidly, trying to shift the hazy daze that had stuck him in confusion.

He reached out and gently stroked her cheek…

Cold. Icy cold.

He tore his jacket off, trying to move in fast-forward. He pressed his coat to her gunshot wound, not even feeling the bite of the chill breeze as he desperately tried to stop the bleeding, desperately tried to help her, desperately tried to stop her life from leaking away right in front of him.

Please be ok please be ok please be ok please please please…

He grabbed her wrist with his spare hand, not caring about being gentle in his urgent, desperate haste.

Pulse. Please let there be a pulse. Pulse!

He pressed down harder on the makeshift bandage, praying to anyone to help her.

Still no pulse. Please! Please help her. You have to save her! Someone help her.

Xander held his breath, waiting to feel the faint flicker of life under his fingers. Nothing.

Don’t die! Buffy please don’t die.

He shifted his hand to her neck, waited, still not breathing. He hadn’t taken a breath in ages. If he didn’t breathe soon, he was vaguely aware he’d pass out.

Relief flooded through him. So weak, so faint, but life all the same. Coursing round her body, pounding round her body. She was alive. He’d never been so thankful.

Buffy was shivering uncontrollably. Her eyes were glazed over; her face was drained of all colour, making her paler than the ghosts he remembered seeing and fighting in the past; she was gasping and gulping for air.

Xander had never seen her so close to death. He’d watched her die and been helpless. He’d helped bring her back, twice. Yet watching her fading from a bullet wound…

“Hold on Buffy. Help’s coming. Just hold on…” He whispered to her, trying to comfort her, give her the strength to survive.

He’d always been jealous of her inhuman energy, her incredible strength and her special skills. He’d understood that her superpowers came at a high price, but he’d still envied her. Until now.

He’d seen what being the Slayer had done to her, so many times. He’d watched her get hurt in so many ways. He’d been with her when she won and when she lost. And he only finally understood what it was to be the Slayer while she was lying in his arms and he was crying over her battered body. He only finally understood the meaning of pain.

He’d rung the ambulance as soon as Warren had fled. All he could do was wait, and yet he didn’t think he was strong enough for that. He didn’t think he could face the possibility of watching Buffy die again. It had hurt so much the first time, he didn’t think he could handle it again.

He didn’t even look up when he heard Willow coming. She was sniffling, forcing herself to stop crying. As she neared them, her snuffling increased until she was sobbing hysterically again.

Xander opened his arms to her, shifting Buffy in his grip to make room for the redhead. She nestled into him gratefully, trying to warm him up. She needed to harden herself to the fact that Buffy might die again…she needed to deal with the fact that there was nothing they could do except sit and wait and watch.

“She has to be ok.” Willow began in a small, quivering voice. “It’s Buffy. She’s got to be ok.”

Xander nodded. He wasn’t so sure, yet he wanted to reassure his heart-broken friend. “Yeah, Will. She’s gonna be fine.”

*It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time* Goodbye to You - Michelle Branch

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