Stories Worth The Telling: Chapter Two: Idol
by I Heart The Nerd Herd
Andrew took another sigh and contemplated just staying in the bathroom. Locking the door and never having to talk to anyone ever again. He could eat toothpaste like he had been driven to do in Mexico, but the hero complex in him told him that would be giving up. Andrew didn’t want to give up again. He turned the knob, slowly, and stepped out into the hall where Anya was waiting to use the bathroom again.

“Have you discovered the joys of self pleasure yet? Because I heard a lot of crashing in there,” Anya asked, blinking. Andrew just gave her a weak smile and continued on down the hall.

“I assume so,” Andrew heard her say as he climbed down the steps. He was too far away to hear the reaction she had to the broken camera laying in the middle of the tiled floor. Andrew gazed down into the living room to see the Potentials lounging in various states of comfort all around the living room. They didn’t pay the slightest bit of attention to him and he was grateful. They were far too curious about his parts and where he chose to put them for his tastes. He wondered if it was just him or if they were this hard on Spike and Xander too.

He turned the corner into the kitchen and seemed to be interrupting a heated exchange between Spike and Buffy. Andrew could feel the anger and sexual tension in the air as if it were fog.

“Uh, sorry. I’ll just-” Andrew made a motion to leave and started to turn, but Spike stopped him.

“S’all right. We’re done here anyway.” Spike gave Buffy a cold look Andrew recognized as a pained look Spike tried to pull off as an evil look. He gave Andrew a sharp, regarding nod, and turned on his heel and rounded the corner, duster fanning out behind him. Andrew shook his head and looked at the girl leaning against the counter, almost like she was petrified.

“Uh, Buffy, are you like, okay?” Andrew asked nervously. He knew it wasn’t his place to get involved in the household drama, him being a “guestage” and all, but he couldn’t just let her mope. He couldn’t just let her have no one to talk to. He was now and expert on having no one to talk to.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m ‘like okay.’ Well, I think I’m ‘like okay.’ I don’t even know anymore.” Buffy didn’t sound sad to Andrew, she sounded confused. Just confused.

“Well, if you don’t mind me asking, what’s even going on between you and Spike?”

“It’s complicated. Not something I want to share. But maybe I should.”

“Do you think it would help?”

“Maybe. What the hell? I gotta tell someone. You promise to keep my secret?”

“To the grave.” Andrew met those eyes, the eyes that never shared the pain inside, those emerald eyes that kept the world at a distance. Andrew may not be as good as interacting with people as he normally would have liked, but he understood them better, usually, than they understood themselves. He could feel Buffy. He could feel how self-reliant she was, but in that same aspect, she defined herself by the guy she was with. She depended on him to support her, but she didn’t want the support. It was a war inside her and Andrew as fairly sure she was blind to it, too.

“Well, I’m not really sure what’s going on between... Me and Spike,” she started slowly. She gave a pleading look to Andrew, looking for encouragement to continue. Andrew nodded, putting on his empathetic face. One of the many faces he had stored for perfect occasions. He had never made a story about this one, and that made it so much easier for the real thing to be happening in his head. “I guess we may have a connection... I don’t know. Last year, I was just so lost... I was... I felt like... I died. And when I came back, things were *really* hard. I wanted Spike... Well, maybe not Spike... I wanted *someone* to make it easier. And Giles, he left me and Willow was going off doing the gay thing and Xander had Anya and I had no one, so I... It started out real innocent! I kissed him, well, I guess it was pretty heavy kissage, but it was just kisses right? I mean, what can be so bad about that? But he was already in love with me and he thought it was more and then I... Then I let it be more and we were doing... Doing things... And I felt so bad about myself and then I broke it off, but he wasn’t letting go and God... He did... that thing... and then he left. And even... And even though he did... that thing, I wasn’t ready for him to be gone yet and he left! And then he comes back with his soul and he was all crazy and I didn’t know what to do because he wasn’t the Spike I needed and I was so... mean to him and he was all crazy and kitteny and I wanted to help him so bad. I had always imagined him *needing* me and then he did and I just... I just let him suffer! I left him in that basement and let him stay crazy. And he told me he got his soul, he laid on that cross... God, and I let him go back down in that basement. I didn’t want... I hated the way people started thinking of me when I was with him and I knew I was with him all wrong, but somewhere I needed him to be with me! I do! I need him with me and he can’t be with me and I don’t know why and I don’t love him, I can’t love him, it’s not right, but I want to love him and I need him to love me and I just... I don’t know... Maybe I just want him to love me. Maybe I just wanna be loved.” Buffy stopped and looked at Andrew, her heart in her eyes.

“You should talk to him. Or you should figure things out before you talk to him. But you can’t just stay in this... in-between. It’s tearing you apart and it’s probably tearing him apart. And it’s probably tearing everyone around you on the inside too.” Andrew stood where he was, keeping the illusion of distance between them, but he felt a bond with Buffy. Not the kind most guys felt for a girl, something beyond romantic bond. Maybe they shared a love in common. “Buffy, can you really *not* love him or you just not letting yourself love him?” It wasn’t really a question just for her. It was one that bothered him too.

“I... I don’t know... I guess I think I can’t fall in love again because I loose so much of myself, you know? And I don’t want to give anything of me to him. I just want him to shove his heart down my throat, I guess. I don’t want to hand him mine on a silver platter. I don’t want to surrender to him. I don’t want him to take me and not have me. Does that... uh... make sense?” Buffy gave Andrew a warm look. He smiled.

“Yeah, it makes perfect sense. But I don’t think it’s good for you to live like that, Buffy. I think you have to go all the way or not at all.” Again, Andrew wasn’t really talking to Buffy. A lot of what he said, a lot of the advice, wasn’t for her. It was for him.

“But I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I can’t be without him or if I can be with him! You know, like the song, the U2 song?”

“With or Without You?” Andrew suggested.

“Yeah, that one. I don’t know. I just... It’s hard. Being... alive without... Without someone to help make it easier. I guess Spike never made it easier, I just thought he did. When I was... with him... On top of him... You know, that sort of ‘with’, well, it did *seem* easier then, but after it was over, it just got harder. Wanting to be with him again, but knowing it was going to be 10 times harder to say no the next time, you know?”

“You said you didn’t want to surrender to him, right?” Buffy nodded. “But you did. You did surrender to him. You didn’t give him your heart, no, but you gave him something much harder to get back. You gave him your pride. You gave him your body. You didn’t give him your heart and your soul, the things you thought would make it harder, but in reality, you gave him a part of you you never gave anyone, right?” Buffy’s eyes widened. Andrew’s ears turned red and he studied his feet in shame. Maybe he had been to hard. Maybe he had been to literal. Maybe he had said too much. Or maybe he said just the right amount.

“Oh my God, you’re... You’re right... Andrew, you’re right. I did. I gave him what I said I would never... never give anyone. I wouldn’t let myself fall in love with him because I thought... I thought I would give him by power, but I already did. He had power over me, he still does. And I can’t let him do that anymore. I have to make the rules. I have to fall in love with him and then, and then everything’ll be happy.” Andrew felt tears welling in his eyes, he felt his heart ripping in two. What had he just done?

“A ha-happy ending,” he sniffled. He let the tears fall, but he refused to meet Buffy’s eyes. If she saw his eyes, she would know. She would know he wasn’t crying because he helped her happy ending come true. She would know he was crying because he had helped insure he would never have one.

“Andrew, are you ‘like okay’?” Buffy took a few steps toward him, holding out a comforting hand. Andrew stepped back, still averting her eyes. He couldn’t look at those eyes, the ones so full of pain, probably full of love now. He couldn’t. He just... He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve got to... go.” Andrew turned, still refusing to look at her. He ran as fast as he could away from the kitchen. He ran past the lounge. The Potentials would ask even *more* annoying questions if they saw him crying. He fell, panting, against the basement door. He had nowhere left to go. He had nowhere left to run. He let the sobs run through him, let the salty tears pour down his face in buckets. He was sure everyone could hear him and he was pretty sure no one cared. And he didn’t want anyone to bother him. What was he going to tell them? He couldn’t even tell himself why he was crying. Because he wasn’t even sure. All he knew, next time, he wasn’t going to help Buffy with Spike problems.


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