Remembrance: 1
by Selene
The sun felt good on her face. She could feel the warmth sink in almost burning... Buffy’s eyes flew open. Taking in the surroundings small groups of people milling around a fountain. The fountain of Trevor or something like that. She could never get it straight. She spotted a small plaque with ‘fontana di trevi’ on it. A small sigh escaped her, ‘Well for me that’s close enough...’ One of the couples must have been on their Honeymoon with the amount of kissing and PDA. Buffy felt a sharp pain in her heart as they clasped hands just like her and...Spike. She sat down hard on the cool marble bench grateful for the support it gave her. It was funny how it snuck up on her at the most unusual times. She glanced around, people didn’t even spare her a second look as they took in the history surrounding them. Lucky for her she picked a tourist site in full daylight to be hit with a sadness so hard that it took her breath away. ‘Why did he have to stay... If only I made him come with... I could have saved him somehow. It hurts so much. I need him. It isn’t fair. Not fair.’ Buffy’s inner child wailed.

The thoughts tumbled through her head so fast, a confused blur. She wiped away the tears that fell with the back of her hand. ‘Why does everything in my life turn to shit. My father left us. Mom died. Giles left me. Twice. (Also, lied to me. Twice.) I died. Angelus. Riley.’ Buffy’s thought slowed a little. ‘Why couldn’t I have told Spike sooner. Why did I wait? Was it because Dad left... I thought that Spike would leave me. But he was always there. He kept taking everything thing that I could dish out and came back for more. My ridiculous thought that him not having a soul made him somehow unworthy of me...’ She laughed bitterly. ‘Spike was what I wanted and needed. Not the idealized love that is so ‘pure’ but real love. He saw me at my utterly worst and he still loved me. Not having to worry that I would say the wrong thing or that I didn’t have any makeup on.’ tears streaked down her face.

‘Angel. Oh God, the cookie dough comments. His cookie was so 1999. Way expired! The relationship that I measured everything else up to was a mirage. It was based on false images of each other and a lot of smoochies. Angel never loved me unconditionally. I had to be the perfect slayer and do exactly as he wanted me to or I was on the outs again. Ultimately my input never seemed to matter. In every single facet of my life he decided what was the correct way to deal with it. Be it our relationship... if you can call it an relationship. Or even dealing with Faith...He made all of the decisions and I better toe the line or else was the underlying theme. He withheld his love for me to only be rewarded, when and if, I complied with his wishes. He was my forbidden love. Oh so wantable but just out of my reach, forever. How can you compete with something that was the perfect relationship... if only... I could never really find out how perfect it could be without him going all bumpy on me. Oh the drama.’ Buffy thought, ‘He can never really put me before his own self image of how important he is. Oh, vampire with a soul... Oh, I must repent... I’m all broody...’

‘My “true” love died. I didn’t realize what a man he truly was until he was gone. He never ‘browbeat’ me into doing anything. He accepted me for who I really am. There were no illusions. I hate myself for all of the things I did to him. I felt a tenderness that I thought shouldn’t be there before he had the soul. And, Oh God, the sex. Why did I have to try to measure him up to Angel and the Grand Relationship... He loved me before he went and got his soul. Wasn’t it proof enough that he loved Dru without one? I know that he loved me without a soul because when he came back there wasn’t any difference between how he treated me beforehand. He just felt tremendous guilt for his actions. So, as usual, I brought him more pain and he thought that I deserved better than him still. The difference between Angel & Spike was that Angel loved me on his terms ONLY when he was Angel. Angelus was a different story. All that was part of Spike loved me. Spike’s demon loved me.’ Buffy’s broken sob seemed out of place here. She could tell that she was drawing a couple of odd glances. ‘How come everyone let the Angelus episodes go and never thought of Anya’s evil past (especially when she enjoyed throwing it in our faces) and when Spike tried to change so hard they spit on him. Me included.’

What really hurt was that he actually thought that the bathroom incident was indication that he was a monster. Yeah, it scared me. But in reality how many times did I tell him no when it really meant yes, yes, yes! As soon as he realized that I really meant it he left. Ashamed. I realize now that I was so hurt about him and Anya that I latched on to this episode as a way to reinforce my I’m better than you stance. So many times I came home from the crypt with scratches and bruises that were much worse than the one on my thigh. And the ones I left on Spike were more punishing. I purposely let Xander see it because I knew how much he already hated him. And to show him how revolting Anya and I were to let him touch us. I purposely set up barriers to keep him from ever really getting into my life. Afraid that he would end up like Angel and leave me. My fears. My stupid, stupid fears. If only I could do it over again. I wouldn’t take him or our time together for granted. I miss him so much!

A shadow crossed before her and she felt a hand come down on her shoulder.


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