Season One In Review: The Harvest
by rockangelz25
LUKE: I'm a scary vampire about to kill Buffy, for those of you who haven't ever seen this show! But because we can't kill off the main character after one episode, I'm going to burn my hand on her cross that I somehow was clumsy enough not to notice.

BUFFY: So, assuming that the audience doesn't wonder about discrepancies--

VIEWERS: You mean like how someone that was previously kicking your ass is so weakened by a tiny little burn that you can escape? Eh, we don't care.

BUFFY: --I will escape from Luke and run after my new friends. Because I am the Slayer, and am uber-powerful--except when something needs to beat me for the sake of the ratings.

WILLOW: The camera's on. Time for me to scream.

BUFFY: Take that, you nasty vamp with my friend! Now, where's everyone else???

WILLOW: Um...

BUFFY: Never mind! I see them!

XANDER: Buffy, thank you. By the way, so sorry I doubted you. Kids, if someone ever tells you that she's a vampire slayer, believe her.

VIEWERS: Um, sure.

BUFFY: But where's Jesse??? You guys don't know?? Oh, horrors, the vampires have him! I must stare sadly at the camera. It's all... Sniff... Sad.

GILES: Tell you what, Buffy. Let's tell your friends all about your new identity, even though your own mother doesn't know, and it's supposed to be a secret.

BUFFY: Sounds good.

GILES: Vampires and other demons...

GILES AND BUFFY: Are real...

BUFFY: And I kill them. That was easy.

XANDER: I'm macho, so I must find Jesse!

BUFFY: No. I can't let anyone else be hurt, so I will go after him.

GILES: Right.

XANDER: (Sniff.) My macho feelings are bruised.

WILLOW: (Sniff.) I feel so unneeded.

XANDER: I have a great idea! Even though I'm unprepared, I'll go with Buffy, and make her protect me again!

VIEWERS: Yeah, smart move.

PRINCIPAL FLUTIE: I'm here to provide a combination of comic relief and annoyance. Buffy, you can't leave school grounds during the school day.

BUFFY: Um, okay.

VIEWERS: We feel comically relieved and annoyed at the same time... Well done.

BUFFY: Good. Principal Flutie's gone, so I'll jump the fence. Then I'll go to the crypt.

ANGEL: Hello. You go this way.

BUFFY: Gee, thanks so much, brooding guy.

ANGEL: Name's Angel. Goodbye. Oh, and good luck. I must go and be mysterious.

BUFFY: My Slayer senses are so great, I can sense--someone behind me! Xander???

XANDER: Hello. I brought nothing useful. I came to hinder you.

BUFFY: Whatever.

XANDER: Look! Jesse!

JESSE: Hey, guys... By the way, I'm the bait.

BUFFY: Oh. That's great.

XANDER: Hey, but we found you!

BUFFY: I'm much more trusting now than I'm going to be in the future, so I'll assume that although the vampires have had you for a half a day, you're still alright.

JESSE: Whew.

BUFFY: Look! Vampires. Let's run away!

JESSE: I've been here, locked up, but I know another way to get out!

VIEWERS: Because that makes so much sense.

BUFFY: Lead the way.

XANDER: Wait--this is a dead end!

JESSE: Yup. (Turns on his vamp face.) And I'm hungry.

VIEWERS: Told you so.

XANDER: YAAAAHHH!!!

BUFFY: Oops. Um... I'll push you out the door now!

JESSE: Damn. Never thought of that. Hey, but there's still no way out! So now, all of we vamps will pound and scratch on the door.

BUFFY & XANDER: We'll hold the door shut and wait for them to break through it! Because we're extremely outnumbered!

XANDER: Wait! There's a door there!

VIEWERS: So, the vampire was right. Is that a good thing?

BUFFY: Okay... I'll take a chance on this NOT being a humungous trap, mainly because I'm really desperate here... Hey, it's working! I see light!

XANDER: Bye! And hey, there's vampires behind us!

BUFFY: Yeah, probably was a trap. Oh well!

XANDER: Hey! Daylight! I'm out, I'm out!

BUFFY: Um, yeah, help me here, please?

VIEWERS: Leave her there!

XANDER: Grab my hand!

BUFFY: Okay... Pull! Faster, please, because a vampire caught my foot!

XANDER: You're out! Yea!

MASTER: Damn. You all suck. (This, by the way, was addressed to his minions, obviously.)

MINIONS: We apologize. She was strong...

MASTER: No. You were weak. But I'm not going to hurt you too much, because I need to prepare for the Harvest.

GILES & WILLOW: Because we're kind of wimpy, we're still at Sunnydale High--but we are worried about Buffy!!

XANDER & BUFFY: We're back. But we're unhappy.

XANDER: Jesse's a vampire.

BUFFY: Yeah. Angst--I wasn't super slayer!

XANDER: Angst--I was his best friend!

WILLOW: Angst--so was I!

GILES: Um, yes, angst.

MASTER: Now, I'll let Luke bite me, so that we become connected... And then, anything that he sucks blood from will feed me, too.

LUKE: I'm obsessed with this guy...

VIEWERS: Hmmm.... Subtext?

LUKE: So I'll do as he says.

BUFFY: I have to go home. (We're back in the library again. A/N: I actually cut some of the "script jumps" and a few specific exchanges to avoid "scenery" confusion.)

GILES: Oh. Erm, of course. Why?

BUFFY: Duh. I live with my mom. And she doesn't know that I'm a slayer. Secret identity, remember?

GILES: Oh! Yes. I--of course. Go ahead.

JOYCE: (At Buffy's house.) Where are you going?

BUFFY: Um... Out.

JOYCE: Out? Out where?

BUFFY: The Bronze. It's a club.

JOYCE: You're going clubbing? Are there boys involved?

BUFFY: Yeah, so?

JOYCE: Your principal called. He said that you're skipping classes. So, you can't go clubbing with the boys.

BUFFY: But Mom!...

JOYCE: Buffy, it isn't the end of the world.

BUFFY: It is too!.... I just can't tell you about it.

JOYCE: Good bye. By the way, you can stay up here, in your room, with the window open, for as long as you want. I won't come in to bother you.

BUFFY: Ah-ha..... Okay! I'm going to sneak out of the window as soon as you leave! (And she does.)

(In the alley outside of the Bronze.)

BUFFY: Hey.... What's going on?

GILES: They've, erm, already started.

BUFFY: So we bust in. You guys go in the back way. Try not to get killed! Oh.... Here's your near-ineffectual weapons. Have fun!

GILES, WILLOW, and XANDER: Gee, thanks.

BUFFY: Goodbye! Now I'm going to break in.

GILES, WILLOW, and XANDER: Hey, look! We've gotten in through the backdoor! Come on, peoples! Come out of here with us, and try very hard to do it quietly--or we'll all die! You can thank us later.

ASSORTED BRONZE-GOERS: Oh, thank you so much!

VAMPIRES: Even though we're really badasses, and so dedicated to our Master, we aren't going to notice them sneaking out.

VIEWERS: Why?

VAMPIRES: Ooh, look at the nice distraction--er, we mean, look at the problem with JESSE, CORDELIA, and DARLA!!!

JESSE: She's a bitch, and too snobby for anybody with a half a brain..... But she's hot and I like her.

DARLA: Too bad.

CORDELIA: I'm going to stand here and let the two of you argue over who's going to eat me.

VIEWERS: 'Atta girl.

BUFFY: Hi! I've broken in!

LUKE: Slayer!

BUFFY: I'll come on down to prevent you from killing people!

LUKE: I don't want to take the time to finish off her (points at CORDELIA), although it won't take a lot...... And I could by the time you get down here...... No, I want you and only you!

BUFFY: Works for me.

CORDELIA: Damn right! I'm too good for you!

*BUFFY and LUKE fight*

XANDER: Oh, no! Jesse! Despite the fact that we already went over, you're a vampire and nothing like you used to be, I'm going to try and appeal to our old friendship.

JESSE: I'm a vamp. Get over it. I'm better.

XANDER: I'm going to inaptly threaten you with a stake that I'll never use.

JESSE: Exactly. You won't..... (gets pushed into it by a random BRONZEGOER) Ah!!! (explodes into ash)

XANDER: Hey! I was..... Going to use that......

(BUFFY and LUKE have fought endlessly, and she picks up a metal stand)

LUKE: What a dumbass. Metal won't hurt me.

BUFFY: Duh. But the sunrise will..... (hurls metal stand at window)

LUKE: No!!!!.... Wait...... That's not sun.....

VIEWERS: So why did you scream in pain before it hit you? Street lights cause vampires pain?

BUFFY: Um, look, a distraction!

VIEWERS: Of course.

BUFFY: Sunrise. In many hours. The night just came. Dumbass yourself. (stakes LUKE)

LUKE: Ahh!!!! Nooo!!!! (explodes into ash)

ANGEL: (is in alleyway and sees fleeing vampires) She did it. I'll be damned. Except I already am. And I probably could've helped her. But she did it, so, good on her!

VIEWERS: Are you really any good?

ANGEL: (broodily stalks away)

(Next day; Sunnydale High School Exterior)

WILLOW: People forgot about it?

BUFFY: It's called repression.

GILES: Yup. And it's going to happen again and again and again......

XANDER: Oh. But we'll deal with it anyway. We'll mock it!

BUFFY & WILLOW: Yes!

GILES: Oh, dear.

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