Normal Again: Tuesday
by Alicia
It's easier to live with the secrets again today. I don't have that same sensation that I'm pushing away a burden that I did when they first told me they were sending me home, but I do feel that I can adjust. I wake up at 5:43, and I'm wide awake. There are no scars or bruises anywhere on my body from my activities the day before. My eyes are hot and heavy, though. Is this what it's always like when you cry too much? I pretend to be weak for Brett as he takes my vitals, pretending nothing is wrong. I vaguely remember one of the doctors telling him to see if I need a straightjacket, but he doesn't mention that. Good. That would have been beyond humiliating.

Will the Slayer healing fade as I keep not-using the Slayer abilities? Will I be physically able to not-use my Slayer abilities? Is it not supernatural healing, after all, but just the memory of a delusion? I stop my mind right there. Today I'm going to be strong.

But as I think it, as I send the commands to my rebellious arms and legs to get up, I start drifting back into dream.

I notice that again. It's like there's something out there telling me I can't quit. This is my choice, I try to tell it...it doesn't belong to whoever invented the concept of the Slayer or even whatever raised the first vampire, but to me.

It's not listening.

I know I'm dreaming. I'm in the past, but not that far in the past. Only yesterday. Mom is holding me on one side, and Dad is standing awkwardly by her side, and Dawn...no, that's not right. There's no little girl in my arms. Just the three of us. I don't have a sister. I never had a sister.

But I do. I need her. She's me, in the deepest sense I can imagine. I want Dawn back! I will it, and slowly, the little girl takes shape and form again, and she's there in my arms. She's my potential. She's the reason I have to make choices. I feel protective. Not warm mixed with annoyed, or affectionate mixed with exasperated...just protective.

The scene shifts, and once again there's no Dawn. Nothing feels right without her.

I force myself awake, and I do not mention that dream to any of the nurses. What would I say--I dreamed my sister wasn't my sister and the only way to get her back was to take up a destiny I don't believe is real anymore and I never wanted? I can't even think of enough code words to write about it in my diary. I don't want to figure it out. I want to forget. It was just a nightmare anyway. Dawn is coming with Mom and Dad the very next time I get visitors.

Dr. Taylor doesn't say anything about sending me home. He doesn't say much. He makes some more noise about medication and tells me to get back to group. As long as it's just pills, I can find creative ways to not take them. They're never drugging me like that again. I'll give up my calling, but I'll never give up me, and I'll never let anyone take that away.

I get distracted from the scary groups all morning when they bring in a new patient. People have been coming and leaving every day, but this is different. The new girl's name is Emma, and she's kicking and screaming—literally—but not about being in the hospital. She gives this aura of being held back from...who knows what. It frightens me, and yet I want to know if I can help.

That's a good way to sum up this entire place.

My instincts—only two months, and I've developed Slayer instincts? or are they delusions?— tell me to help by finding something to pummel. But that's not going to be the way I solve problems anymore. So what do I do?

The question cycles in my head all day, and as the daily routine ends, I'm no closer to finding an answer.




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