Beams of Light: Of Shame, Destruction, and Denial
by I Heart The Nerd Herd
I ran. I had to. I had to run till I collapsed into Angel’s arms. I ran home and fell, just fell right as I entered and sobbed till my nose was red and my eyes were white. Mom wasn’t home, the house was more empty than ever before. I had... I don’t know what I did, but I know I sinned and I know I lied and I know I should be ashamed and I know I am. I can’t deny it, I am attracted to Spike. And I can’t deny I am sprailing to a place inside myself I worked so hard to mask, to pretend didn’t exist. It was me. It was me that had made out with death. It was me that let not one, but *two* killers continue to walk the earth. I was killing. If they killed, it was blood staining not only their hands, but mine. And I had tasted them both. Tasted the blood in their mouths and loved it. Loved it more than a person should. What if I wasn’t a person?
I was attracted to Spike’s bad boy and danger and the world he represented, but I don’t think I was ever attracted to him. I don’t know him, but I do. I know what he is and what he is capable of and it stops there. And if I see him again, I *will* plunge a peice of wood into his chest. I am a creature of darkness now. Creatures of darkness simply kill.
*~*~*~*~*
“Spike, Daddy doesn't want to play! He says I’m being *irratating!*” Drusilla crawled across the table, closer to where I was placed on my arse.
“Bloody right, he is kind of... like an exclopedia of humanity with legs and a mouth. Souls do things to you,” I laughed.
“No, it’s you. You don’t want him to play, so you get the wheels turning in his head! You make him think he doesn't love me!” Dru snarled.
“He *dosen’t* love you, pet. *I* love you. I’m the only one who loves you.”
“No, you lie. I can feel who you love, Spike. I’ve known since you first saw her, you loved her.”
“I don’t love anybody, but you, pet!” I felt the muscles in my cheekbones tighten. I *do* love Dru, I can trust that love. But I can’t ever trust the forbidden love I once tasted again. Temptation is not a friend or something you feed. Its like smokes. And Buffy is the smokes and I have to quit or else... I can’t hold this above my head, I can’t pretend to love her when I know I never can. I can’t pursue something I know I can never win. But wait a second, that’s me. I *always* pick the fights were the odds are against me. I don’t like to take the easiest road, though I do like to take some in my favor. But love. I like love and I bloody well like to be served my women in the Biblical sense of the word. And I think Buffy *deserves* the title Vampire Layer. Has only laid with one, she has to lay with two to get it.
“Liar! You love the Slayer! I can see her, swimming all around you, singing of lust and nasties. She tasted you and you tasted her and you loved her! You loved her more than you loved me! You loved her more than you loved anything! Anyone!”
“That’s not... It isn’t like *that*, Dru. We just...”
“You tasted her and you liked it.”
“Well, yeah. I am a male, Dru. But I love *you*! Sod the Slayer, when I get out of this bloody chair-”
“You can’t get out because you won’t try.”
“I can’t get out because my legs won’t move!”
“But if you tried... If you didn’t give up so easy when you think you lost, you would would be out of that chair. And back in my bed. Pleasing me. You would sing lovely songs, Spike. Won’t you sing again... For Mummy?”
“I would, Dru. I would. But... My legs...” Drusilla shrank away from the hand I stuck out for her. She writhed and hissed and moaned like a wild cat on the bloody table, shredding the wood with her sharpened clawlike nails.
“You aren’t the same boy I fell in love with, Spike.” And she crawled off the table to go irritate her Daddy once more. But this time, I was happy to see her go.
*~*~*~*~*
The rain beat against my head with a feriousity so unlike any rain I had felt anywhere. It was as if the world were mourning. In Sunnydale, it’s not all that hard to believe. My hair was plastered to my forehead, the expensive gel running down the side of my face, thick like drool. I stared out at the little town from my perch in the alley, just watching humans walk by, pondering the wonder of them. How was I so much different from them, really? How was I any different then them, walking around, completely oblivious to the fact a killer, no, a monster was watching them? Hadn’t I been oblivious? Hadn’t I had my eyes closed all these years, pretending to be evil and then pretending to be good? How was I doing any better than them?
I just watched for hours. I had to. I couldn’t face Spike right now, not now when I’m so vulnerable, the guy’ll jump all over me. I couldn’t stand it if he started in on me, so I stayed, letting my dead body get soaked. Not that I could even feel the wetness or the heaviness of my clothes in the first place.
*~*~*~*~*
I slipped into the little gap between the door and the frame, trying to sneak in without the vampires being able to detect me. This was not a social call. It had gone beyond that, it was time for action. Now or never.
“Slayer.” That cold vocie, the voice that had plaqued my thoughts for hours and hours, the voice that held more power over me than any, the voice with brought a new stream of wetness into my panties and a sudden taste of vomit in my mouth, the voice which brought tears to my eyes, that made my heart thud ferociously in my chest, that strung me higher, that never left me alone, that never allowed me to stay firmly planted on two feet. Before I even saw him, I was seriously debating about just hopping on him and taking him for a ride, but the need and want inside me only deepened when he wheeled into veiw. That sardonic, twisted, macioulous grin sent shudders down my spine. And those eyes, pale as the moon light, but as full as the sun, held me. I couldn’t kill this vampire. This was a weakness of mine. My hormones. He was a sexy guy, I had to admit and he turned me on, but I didn’t love him. I *couldn’t* love him.
“Spike. You were out of your chair before,” I smiled. I had to play for awhile. I couldn’t just leave now.
“Yeah, well, I’m not now,” he said simply, wheeling a little closer. “Do you have a reason for me to get out?” His smile made my heart thud harder and harder and harder and faster and faster and faster. He must have heard it. He must know how badly, insanely, how purely I wanted him inside me. I shook my head, trying to clear the sinful thoughts and urges out of my head. I had to get him out, but he came back like a dirty penny, always laughing, always smiling, always saying “Buffy.”
“No, but it seems strange. I’d think Dru would be happy you were up and fucking again,” I said coldly.
“Ooh, Slayer, didn’t know a good girl like you could talk so dirty to me,” he smiled that smile. The tempting, hop-on-me-while-I’m-hot smile.
“Not talking dirty. I don’t know what you’re accustomed to Spike, but that was hatred, not dirtiness,” I lied. I was trying to get him all hot and bothered so he would make the first move. Maybe that was all I really came here for. Maybe everything I ever believed was good about myself would end right here if he just moved. If he wanted me as badly as I wanted him.
“I don’t know... I think you meant for it to turn me on.” he moved closer, the wheels stopping right at my foot. I could feel the coldness of his dead body and I knew I had to... Do something before I lost all essence of myself in horniness. But Spike was faster. He grabbed me around the waist, freezing me with the coldness of his hands. He sent me crashing into his lap, his erection digging into my ass. He shot his tongue up my mouth and I couldn’t help but respond whole-heartidly. I ran my fingers up his shirt, caressing his bare back. He moaned and growled and bit my lip so hard it started bleeding, but I couldn’t help myself. Finally, our passion knocked down his wheelchair with a loud clatter. I lay painting on top of him, boobs and hair hanging in his face. It was only then that I realized the true extent of what I had done.
“Buffy,” he said my name again. But this time, I wasn’t going to fall for it.
“No! No! No! I’ve got to go! This is wrong and I can’t pretend to do this anymore! Spike, you better leave town or I’m going to dust you!” I screamed, tears streaming down my cheeks. I ran my fingers through my messy hair and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, staring at the man now standing in front of me. “I hate you! I hate you!” He came closer, pain etched in those pale sapphires and tried to comfort me. He wrapped his arms around me, but I struggled and kicked and squirmed and beat my hands against his chest, screaming for him to let me go. He just held tighter and tighter. “Spike, let me go!”
“I thought you loved me,” he said, his vocie broken with pain as I beat harder and faster.
“I hate you! I HATE YOU! You’re just a thing!” He slipped and I forced my way out of his arms. When he was on the ground, staring up at me, I sighed. “You’re just a thing.”
“But what if I got a soul?” The words stopped me dead in my tracks. But I shook my head and walked on. It wouldn’t matter, I would still hate him. I would still only love the thrill of touching a corpse. Not the thrill of touching the monster or man underneath.
*~*~*~*~*
I kicked the bloody chair till it broke. I wouldn’t need it anymore anyway. I was just fine. I kicked and kicked until the whole inside of my jeans leg was purple with blood from the metal slicing gashes in my leg. “Fuck you, bitch! You can’t just leave me like this! You can’t just give me a run for my money and the fucking run away!” Tears streamed down my cheeks and I crumpled on the dusty floor, feeling broken all over. “What if I got a soul? Would you fuck me when I have a soul?” I screamed.
When all the rage and pain had almost been completely funneled out of me and I blew my nose, I remembered something. That teacher, Miss Giles-Fucker or whatever she was, she had been trying to get back Angelus’ soul. He must have considered her a threat or else he wouldn’t have killed her. So that means, she must have gotten pretty far. And I knew Willow, the red head, she was aspiring to make herself a little witch. She could do the spell for me. I would make her do the spell for me.
I laughed to myself. I had made a plan.
*~*~*~*~*
I finally decided I needed to do something. I needed something. I watched the best hooker within the city limits pass me by. I followed her, not trying to alert her, but hookers had too much practice at sensing people behind them.
“You in need of a little service?” she asked. ”’Cause I don’t come cheap.”
“Yeah, actually I am. But I’m not really thinking I need to pay.” I grabbed her around the waist, sending her crashing against my body. I morphed and dug my fangs into her neck, gulping the nicotine empowered blood out of her veins. I had a head rush when I dropped her to the ground, but I still hadn’t lost the nagging tugging of guilt and shame at the site of the dead body. What was wrong with me? I knew exactly what was wrong with me, that soul. It had stained me, tainted me, scared me. Now I would never be the same again.
*~*~*~*~*
I watched the rain slide down the glass of my window. How could I not kill him? He could have easily raped me, he came fairly close, but I didn’t kill him. I should have, I could have, and I let him think he loved me. I let him think I loved him. I would never, ever love him. But I knew something inside me had changed. I knew I needed something to make me feel as bad as I was and that was him. It was an intense desire to be bad pulsing inside me and Spike had danger written all over him.
*~*~*~*~*
The school seemed a lot less terrifying in the dark. Not that it was dark to me, anyway. I busted open the doors to the classroom and found a laptop, probably Red’s, not Miss Giles-Fucker’s. But I couldn’t take any chances. I clicked the mouse attached and watched the computer come alive. It *was* Miss Giles-Fucker’s computer, but there was nothing on Angelus in any of the files. So, I pulled out every drawer, threw out every book in the bookcase, and finally decided to rearrange the furniture. Between the desk and the final cabinet, I found a floppy disc.
I surprised even myself with my computer knowledge, and managed to put the disc in the drive. It pulled up something in bloody Romanian, a language I never bothered to learn no matter how many years I sodding spent up there. But then it pulled up another file, this one in English. "Score," I said to myself as I read the title, "The Spell of Restoration".
"Now, all I need's a little witch." I grabbed the disc out of the drive and headed toward the address they had listed in the phone book for Rosenberg.
*~*~*~*~*
The rain felt strangely refreshing. Maybe if I stood out in it long enough, it would soak the soul right out of me. It would make it run down me in turrents. I hoped, but it was just a shallow hope. It would never happen. I was stained. But I could never get it back either. Living life in an in between stage would harder than anything I've had to face before. But I was still evil somewhere deep down and that was the part that wasn't going to give up just like that.
*~*~*~*~*
I heard the front door and Mom's scream of "Buffy!" I ran downstairs and ran right into her, giving her a huge hug.
"Mommy, I'm so glad you're home." I buried my face in her hair and sobbed. She dropped her shopping bags and wrapped her arms around me.
"Buffy, baby, what's wrong?" She managed to pry me off her and sat me down on the couch. "What's wrong, baby?"
"You remember Angel?"
"The boy you had sex with?" I turned red, but nodded. "What about him? Something has happened with him again, has it?"
"No!" I said, looking at the troubled look on her face. "No, not at all. It's... I had to see him, Mom. I had to. So I went to his... apartment complex and ran into one of his friends. I know his friend because Angel used to hang out with him when I was around. He was kind of... not nice. Not nice at all. Angel always kept him in line for me, though. But now that's he's... changed... his friend is getting more and more out of line. Well, he got hurt and he's in this wheelchair-"
"Angel?"
"No, Spike."
"Spike?"
"Angel's friend."
"Oh, okay, continue."
"Well, I think I made a big mistake. The first time I just talked to him and asked him where Angel was. I think he took it the wrong way. So when I came back... I don't know... I don't know what I did or why I did or.... I'm just so confused... Help me, Mommy." I buried myself in her hair again, sobs racking my body.
"Buffy, you have to tell me what happened. I still am getting the abridged version, I need to read the novel," Mom said calmly.
"Well, I came back and all the tension kept building and building until... I don't know, I wasn't thinking, but I kissed him. And then I ran away and I wasn't going to come back and if I was, I was going to tell him it was a mistake and that I wasn't ever going to seem him again and I didn't mean to imply whatever he might have thought I was implying, but I went back and it happened again. It was like we were magnets and we got so close to... You know as you can without it being... you know. It was so bad, we knocked his wheelchair over even and... And then he got out and he wouldn't let me go, but I got out somehow. And when I was leaving he said, 'But what if I clean up?' and I left and I'm so scared, Mommy. I'm so scared and I'm so dirty!" I sobbed. I took big gasps for air.
"Oh, Buffy. Oh, Buffy, baby. It's not so bad, it's not so bad. This happens to everyone at sometime or another. You don't want to be with someone, but you are and you want to be with someone else, so you go to this person for the comfort or abuse when you can't have the person you want loving you the same way you still love them. Don't go see Spike again. It won't happen again if you just control those urges and don't see him again."
"But I don't know if I can now."
*~*~*~*~*~*
I knocked on the screen door of Willow's bedroom. The red head was sitting behind her computer, probably looking something up for her good for nothing friends. "Willow, let me in!" I yelled. Finally, she turned around and gasped. I could she her mouth, "Spike?" "Yes, you ninny, let me in!" I yelled. The rain was ruining the leather on my duster. "Let me in!"
Willow tottled over to the door, her nightdress cut fairly short. She slid open the door and stared at me. "Spike?"
"Who do I look like? Bleeding Santa Claus? Let me in!"
"I dunno. You swear on your honor you'll be a good vampire?"
"On my honor, on my honor, let me in before my duster gets more sodding... sodden."
"Spike, uh... come on in." She moved out of the way as I ran in. "Can I take your... duster?" I slid it off my shoulders and handed it to her. She hung it up on a rack with her little pink jackets and her big puffy marshmallow like winter coat. "So, uh, Spike? What are you doing here?"
"Need a spell done."
"Quiet! My parents would kill me if they knew you were up here!" Willow whispered harshly.
"Sorry," I whispered. The more I saw this girl, the more I liked her. "Need a spell done."
"What kind of spell?"
"Well, put this baby in the computer and you'll see." I showed Willow the yellow floppy disc. She took it, cocking her eyebrow in a similar, yet cuter way than I did. When she sat down at her computer, her nightdress climbed a little higher, showing a smooth perfectly shaped thigh. I sighed. This was not a kill, no matter how much the urge shot through me. This was about Buffy. Always about Buffy.
Willow let out a little gasp of surprise as she looked at the two files saved in the floppy disc. "What do you want done with this?" she asked, threateningly.
"I want a soul."
"W-what? Spike, you're not for real?"
"I am for real. I want a bleeding soul."
"Why?"
"If I told you, you wouldn't believe me."
"Try me. It's hard enough to believe you're in here, talking to me about wanting a soul. So, it's not going to be any less believable than all the other stuff you just expect me to believe." She didn't look she was about to let me lie either.
"I'm in love with Buffy," I said simply.
"You're in what with who?"
"Love, Buffy."
"Oh my God... Spike, that's insane."
"No one ever said love was logical."
"Yeah, but... You're evil, how can you love Buffy?"
"You're asking me? I have no clue, but I can't change the way I feel about her. But I can change the way she feels about me. I want you to give me a soul."
"I dunno, Spike. This spell looks pretty complicated. And I'll need you to get me some stuff."
"I can do that. Anything, I can do anything."
"Okay... But you have to give me a sliver of a fraction of something to allow me to have a mistake."
"I give you a sliver of a fraction of a something."
"Alright, now get out before my mom comes up!"
Willow grabbed my duster, threw on my back, and threw *me* out the door. I laughed at the little red head. She was a little more relaxed and funny than Buffy. She was also a little bit cuter than Buffy. Buffy had lost a lot with Angel. Well, now what she had lost could come back. As soon as I showed her how much I loved her.
*~*~*~*~*
I had to do something about Buffy. I still loved her and that was something I had to stop. Maybe when she was gone, I would stop feeling so guilty in the first place. It was time I made my attack against her.
I decided the best place wouldn't be her house, so I walked around her normal patrol spots still I saw her battling a vampire. I crept up behind them, staking the vamp for her. Through the dust, she still knew who I was.
"Angel, what do you want?"
"You dead." I threw the first punch, she caught my fist and flipped me over on my back. She delivered a sharp kick to my ribs with a sickening snap. She broke at least two of them. I got swept her off her feet with a low kick, but she did that weird flippy thing she does and got to her feet, delivering a hard kick to my head. I grabbed her around the waist and banged her up against a headstone, her muscled back breaking it in two. She threw me over her body and straddled me, stake in hand.
*~*~*~*~*
I felt like crying, sitting there on top of Angel. His eyes didn't have the warmth they once did, but I still knew he had been the man I first fell in love with once. But not anymore. Not ever again. I drove the stake into his chest and the dead body underneath me eroded and I found myself laying in wet dust. Angel's wet dust. And I felt more alone than I ever did in my entire life.
*~*~*~*~*
I couldn't help myself. I came back to see Willow again the next night. I have no idea why. Maybe I'm just really anxious to get the spell done. It is a little nerve racking, this whole spell thing. But I could have gone *somewhere* other than here. But I came here anyway.
I knocked on the glass door and this time she opened it. "Spike, what are you doing here?" But she wasn't whispering this time.
"Uh... I dunno. Can I just... How far are you on the spell?"
"I'm still working it through. I need another person, living, breathing person, to help me with the spell. It's not something I can do all alone. And you can't help because you'll be getting cursed." She let me in and sat down on her bed staring at me. I hung my own duster on the rack and sat next to her on the bed.
"Well, you got someone in mind?"
"Two someones, actually. Oz and Amy. Oz would do it because he loves me and Amy would do it because it's a spell. Either way, no harm, no foul. If that's alright with you?"
"If it gets the spell done, I'm bloody alright with it."
"Okay. I also got the materials list." Willow went over to her computer and pulled up a file she had typed on Appleworks. She then printed it out and handed me the still warm piece of paper. "I trust you know of a decent occult shop that can provide you with all of these?"
I nodded. "Yeah. What time you want me to bring them over?"
"Tomorrow night's fine."
"Alright.... Uh, Willow, are you parents home?"
"No, why?"
"Well, Drusilla has found herself a new groupie, I really don't need to be up at the factory anymore... When are you parents coming back?"
"Uh... On Thursday." It was Tuesday now. So I *could* stay the night, if only she would let me.
"Can I... Since you're parents aren't home and I haven't got a place to stay, well, not really... Can I just stay here until Thursday night?" Willow looked taken aback at my request.
"Yeah, I guess... Jeez, never thought I'd be asked by a murderer if he could have a sleep-over at my house... Oh God. Spike, you promise to behave?"
"Cross my heart and hope not to die," I smiled teasingly. Willow smiled back.
"You don't mind sleeping on the couch?"
"No."
"Well," Willow yawned. "Good night, Spike."
I closed the door to her room and leaned against as soon as I did. What the *hell* was I doing?
*~*~*~*~*
I picked up the phone. I needed to talk to Willow desperately. She would know the big mistake and she would help me. She knew exactly who Spike was. I pressed number 2 on the speed dial and got a ring.
"Hello?" It was Willow.
"Will? I need to talk to you."
"Okay... What about?"
"Well, I kinda... When I went up to the factory... I kinda saw Spike a lot and I just... I dunno, I guess I was missing Angel so much that I needed to get all that pain and lust off on someone and he was there and he was sexy, so I-"
"Oh my God, you didn't sleep with him, did you?"
"NO! But I got close."
"So, why are you telling me this?"
"I dunno..."
"Well, I'm glad you told me and stuff, but I gotta go."
"Gotta go do what? Aren't your parental units gone until Thursday?"
"Yeah, but I-"
"Willow, do you have any Wheetabix?" I heard an obviously male voice, also obviously a cockney accent, also obviously Spike's.
"I don't have any Wheetabix, Spike. But I have Captain Crunch!" Willow called to him.
"SPIKE? SPIKE IS IN YOUR HOUSE?" I yelled into the receiver.
"It's not like that Buffy! You wouldn't understand!"
"Yeah, what I don't understand is how you can be cheating on Oz."
"I'm not cheating on Oz! I'm not, I swear! He's just... here. It's complicated, Buff, and I can't explain it all to you right now, but you'll get soon it enough." And she hung up.
*~*~*~*~*
"You sure you don't mind me being here, Will?" I asked her. We were getting on close terms now. When you hang out with someone for a day, it gets like that. I have to say, I'm very fond, very, very, very fond of the little red head. I think I might want to spend the rest of my life close to *her*. But she would never go for it. Even if I got my soul, she would never go for it. Buffy would. I would make Buffy go for it.
"Not at all. I hate being all alone in my house, anyway. It's nice to have someone, even an evil someone around."
"I'm not all that evil, am I?"
"No. Not like I would expect. I think I'm falling... Spike, I love you." I was so taken aback by those words, more than she had been when I asked her if I could stay over.
"W-willow? W-what d-did you s-say?"
"Spike, I love you. I didn't realize it until you came asking for the spell, but I have been for a long time. I love you. And when you get your soul, please say you'll love me, too."
"Oh, Willow." I took up the girl in my arms, pressing my face against her hair. She smelled like strawberries. "I'll love you, too. I'll love you now. Maybe I have since I came for the spell too. But I have known for a long time I was more attached to you than to anyone else. Oh, Will. I love you, too."
"Really, you're not just saying that?"
"I'm not just saying that. I don't just say that."
Willow gave me a hug. holding me tighter. If I had needed to breathe, I most likely couldn't. "Wow, Spike. You're buff."
*~*~*~*~*
I knocked against the glass of Willow's door, blinded in rage, grief, lust, God, so many things I was blinded by, and yet, I came to the one place I would never find my frustrations helped. Willow opened the door, out of breath and looking like she had just randomly thrown clothes on her body. I pushed past her to see exactly what I expected, Spike propped up her in her bed, shirtless.
"This is what not cheating on Oz looks like?" I yelled at her, feeling my face flush in anger.
"Buffy, I'm not... I can't explain... Right now... Buff, please, don't judge me yet-"
"Don't judge you? What am I supposed to do, Will? You're having sex with a *vampire*! A soul less *thing*!" I felt tears running down my cheeks. I don't know why they were coming and I had no way of stopping them, but I was in sobs.
"Actually," Spike stood up to reveal he was wearing pants. "I have a soul."
"W-what?" I stared at Willow instead of him. I couldn't bear to look at him in all his musclely goodness. "Y-you found the s-spell?"
"Yeah, Spike looked through some of Miss Calendar's old things. And I am not having sex with him!"
"Not yet, love." Willow giggled.
"Oh no! Oh *no*! You two aren't.... This can't be... Will, have you gone completely insane?"
"Buff, I told you. You aren't going to understand so I'm not going to bother explaining it to you. Just deal, okay? I love Spike, no matter what you or Xander or anyone can say about it and nothing I or anyone else can do is going to change the way I feel about him."
"You're all pyshco! All of you! How can you find that and not tell me? It could have saved Angel. It could have made me happy, but no, you had to make yourself happy, didn't you, Will?"
"I didn't... I would have told you, I would have! But I got... distracted..."
"Yeah, distracted translating to fucking shiny white boy over here."
"Buffy! What the *HELL* is wrong with you? You can't come in here and say things like that! I didn't do *any* of this to you when I found out you got all orgasmy with Angel!" Willow's face turned as firey red as her hair. And Spike looked more concerned about her than he did about me. And that was the final straw.
"I thought you loved me, Spikey! Just decided you'd love whatever girl was whorish enough to get you in their bed?"
"Willow is not *whorish*! And I *thought* I loved you, myself. But there *is* a line between love and lust a vampire just can't see. What's your excuse? I love Willow and I'll tell you what, when we make love, it's not a single bit your bloody business, so I advice you get the hell out of here before I go postal on *your* whorish ass!" Spike slinked over and wrapped his arm possesivly around Willow. Willow looked smug. And I realized just how far I had fallen. The moment I lost Angel, I went on an out of control tailspin leading me farther down until I wouldn't care enough to claw my way out.
"I hate you! I hate you both! Look how happy you are! Look!" I sobbed and sobbed until Willow, who was still my best friend despite the hateful things I had just said to her, wrapped her arms around me, letting me cry on her shoulders.
"Buff, shh. It's alright, I promise. What happened? Something had to happen to make you so upset." Willow calmly took me and sat me on the bed. Spike causually took a seat on Will's wheelie computer chair and gave us a measuring, stern father look. I have to say, I liked him better when he wasn't soul whipped and love puppy.
"A-Angel is d-dead!" I sobbed. It was all I could manage between rattling breaths, sobs, and hiccups.
"What? Oh, Buffy, did you?"
"Y-yeah. B-but he could be souled again if you had t-told me Spike found the spell!"
"Oh, Buff, I was, I was! But I got... distracted..."
"Doing what, dare I ask?" I made an motion with my eyes to Spike.
"Nothing!" they both squeaked in unison.
"Ha!" I stood up. "Ah ha! I knew it! You guys got with the blanket rolling, X rated version of Spike/Willow love shack, didn't you?"
"No! We were..." they both squeaked and trailed off.
"You were what?"
"Just... kissing..." Willow turned red.
"Yeah, and because you were kissing, I lost the love of my life. Well, enjoy each other, 'cause other people aren't going to be as lucky as you for the rest of their lives." I turned around to leave.
Spike grabbed me and turned me around to face him. "Don't you go acting all high and mighty! Just because you got knocked off your 'Something-good-shoved-up-your-arse' throne doesn't mean you have to go taking it out on us! What did we do? We weren't the ones who told you to drive a pointy wooden thing through your boyfriend's heart!" He had never looked more angry than all the times I had seen him pissed.
"Will, can I take your boyfriend out in the hall for a minute?" I asked.
"Yeah, just... Keep all pointy wooden objects away from *his* heart, okay?"
I grabbed Spike by the back of his neck and threw him out in the hall. I couldn't hold it in any longer. If it had been Xander standing here, I probably would have done the same thing. It had nothing to do with Spike in particular. I had a burning desire to be bad and a burning desire to be hated or loved and now, this moment, when we were all alone in the hall was the perfect oppurtinity.
I sent him crashing against the wall and pressed my lips against his so hard, the cuts from past expeirences that hadn't quite healed over, started bleeding into his mouth. I felt the satisfying sensation of his dick rise up and press against my inner thigh and I punched through the wall in a moment of passion. I pulled my fists out of the wall and sent them to massaging his well toned body. The blood from my hands and knuckles ran all down his torso and eventually into the nether regions covered by his tight fitting black jeans. He ran his icy cold hands all along the curves of my body, eventually lifting my shirt up so he could caress the bare skin of my stomach. I felt like grossing him out, so I lapped all the blood off his chest, making him shudder and gasp. I couldn't help myself. I slid my tongue up and down his torso, loving the sensation of the coppery taste of my own blood swirling around my mouth. I then tugged at his waist, grunting. I managed to get the stubborn button on his pants to open and the jammed zipper to go down and slid them down to his ankles. I licked the blood running all the way down to his kneecap and then devoted my attention to his erect dick.
I slid my tongue over the helmet, caressing his balls with the other hand. Never before had I even dreamed of doing things like this to anyone. And why was Spike just letting me do it? Didn't he feel his soul screaming for him to stop me? I kissed him, the blood in my mouth swirling around in his. I grabbed his dick and thrust it inside me. He growled, but didn't do any of the manuevering himself. I wrapped my legs around him, my booted feet digging against his white ass. I rocked back and forth, causing the pair of us to crash through the plaster wall. It rained bits and peices all over us, but I kept rocking and rocking. I leaned over, tossing my hair to the side, without even realizing it, exposing my bare neck.
Spike's face changed to the demonic face I had loved to loathe and he dug his fangs into the exposed, tender skin of my neck.
*~*~*~*~*
Buffy was a bloody stupid girl. She should have known never to get a vampire that far in heat. Even ones with souls can't stop themselves when the blood lust was upon them. When all they could do was drink. I stared down at the foolish girl. She was cold and dead. It was her own fault, but I knew I had *killed*. I had killed with a soul and that was something unforgivable. Willow may love me, but she would never love me again after this. After she saw the cold dead body of her friend. She would look at her wall, all broken, and she would think I had raped Buffy instead of vise versa and she would the body and she would kill me. But I can't blame her. I didn't stop Buffy. I liked it too much to stop Buffy, soul or no soul.
*~*~*~*~*
"Spike, baby, what happened?" I asked as he returned, blood running down his chin and chest, all the way down to stain the inside of his black pants purple. "What happened? Where's Buffy?"
"Buffy's dead, love. Buffy's dead. I killed her."
"W-what?" I couldn't move. I was paralysed. I may not have known I loved Spike from the start, but I knew now and I knew I had loved Buffy like I had loved no other friend I had in my entire life, and what had happened?
"She raped me, Will. She was being stupid... She was hurt, I got that, but she didn't have to take it out on me... But she was too hurt and she raped me and then... When you get a vampire's motor revving, soul or not, they're going to kill you when they get a taste of blood in their mouth. I did and Buffy's now dead."
"Oh my God... Spike, no! Spike, no!" I fell into his arms, sobs rattling every inch of my body. "Buffy... I should have helped her! I should have told her no! Oh my God, I'm so blind! But no one'll believe me when I tell... Giles' just think of something very British to say and he'll call me out of line for ever letting you in my house... And Xander hated Angel, he's only going to hate you more... Oh God, Spike, what am I going to do?"
"I have an idea." Spike moved the hair on my neck out of the way, gently slid his lips over it, and then I felt two sharp fangs peirce the skin on my neck. I felt my life force drain into his mouth, felt *me* enter him, and then I felt his wrist shoved against my mouth, barely consiocous.
"Drink, Willow, drink. When you wake up, you'll be more alive than ever before.
THE END!
*** All comments are welcome, I like to hear negative and postive things about my work! This is the darkest and most graphic thing I have ever written, I would really like a review on it, thanks!
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